08/14/2006 - MEASURING...

Today I seem to be struggling with the idea that being busy should always result in quantifiable and measurable outputs. That's the way it is at work. We get measured by what we produce - and when we are really busy - we end up with more "product" to show for it. But life outside of the workforce doesn't seem to follow that same rule.

Instead, I look at my calendar and see very few slots of time where I don't have something going on. But when the day, week, month or year is gone - I find myself looking for the things "produced" from all of that activity. Do you ever look at the clock late at night and ask yourself "where did the day go?" You know it was a long and hectic (i.e. busy) day - but you don't feel like you have enough to show for it. Well, that's what I'm struggling with in my mind today.

I just celebrated two anniversaries last week. One was the 22nd anniversary of marriage to my wife, and the other was the 8th anniversary with my current employer. In both cases, I can see a lot of output over the years, but I still find myself wondering where the time went - and if I did "enough" with that time.

I'm sure if you asked 100 different people how they measure "success" over time - you would get somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 different answers and methods or measuring. So, for me as well, this feeling is part of an internal and personal struggle.

I've never worked for a company for 8 years before. I'm not sure I ever wanted to work somewhere for that long a period of time, because I used to think that meant doing pretty much the same thing over and over for years. I've had to change my thoughts about that since my current company is so large and I've actually held several different jobs, in different disciplines and with different groups of people - so it hardly seems like working in the same place after all. Someday I'm sure I'll leave - or at least transfer to another part of the world - just for a change of scenery and culture.

22 years of marriage is also nothing to sneeze at. I've always been proud of being married - even when my wife and I started moving in different directions about 4 or so years ago, the marriage itself was something we trusted in and felt strongly about. We drew a lot of personal strength from being a family and from being parents and partners in raising our children. That's why it was really hard for me, and strange, that we really didn't do anything to celebrate it this year. It's actually 25 years now that we have been together, since we dated for three years prior to getting married, but it seems like we are less "together" now than we have ever been, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.

My wife and I have been concentrating on "finding our own way" and our own lives - apart or separated from one another - while trying to stay together as partners in parenting and as a family. That has worked well for us in the past but may have run its course now. The kids are pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. Though two still live at home, one is in college and working and the other is about to start his senior year in high school and spends a lot of time developing his art. Which leaves my wife and I with very little interaction.

I have a partner with whom I spend as much time as possible, and my wife has been spending her time with friends, on dates or online meeting new men - looking for her "self" and "her own way". The more we do this - the more awkward it seems for us to come together and "reconnect" as parents and as friends. I've never done this before so I don't know if what we are doing is normal or the "right" way or not, but I do know it is impossible to go back to where we used to be - and very hard to see the direction we should be taking ahead!

I have faith that she and I are good people, good parents and good friends. We may not be able to be at our best around each other right now - but in the long run, we will find ways to tap into all of the love and goodness that God has bestowed upon us and within us and we will not only find our way to fulfillment and happiness - but also find our way through past hurts to the place called forgiveness. When that happens - we will truly celebrate!

So I look at my job and all of the experience that now covers my resume' and can see that I've gotten a lot out of my 8 years with this employer. I also look at my children and the adults they have become and are still becoming and it makes me very proud to be their father. I think it is even fair to say that with children - with my three anyway - I get out far more than I ever put in. And I measure the outputs in smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, tears and the lifetime of "togetherness" shared up until now, and the promise of what is yet to come!

Remember - love today like there is no tomorrow!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

07/28/2006 - BLAH BLAH BLOG...

I don't usually just write in the blog without something particular on my mind, but it's been TOO long since I've added an update, and I've been so buried in spreadsheets today at work that I have to take a break. So here I am...

It's Friday and that's a good thing! Nothing big planned for the weekend except possibly a trip to Hurricane Harbor with some friends. That place is always fun. Of course, I love the water.

My son is 17 and drove a car for the first time yesterday. He called his mom and told her it was the most harrowing experience of his life! I'm glad he is taking it seriously and we told him to hang in there, it was like that for us at his age too. :) It is scary to think of him driving though. I tease my daughter all the time that she's already hit everything in town. That is a slight exaggeration. My son is generally a more careful person. I hope that is also reflected in his driving skills.

Life for me has been good lately. My partner and I moved to a bigger place. It seems much more like "our place" even though I still live at home with my wife and kids too. I guess you can say I have two homes right now. I think sometimes living this way is more difficult than just moving out all at once but I take it as part of the "transition". As far as I can tell - everyone seems to be handling it well, although we all have our "tough" days too.

Being in my current position is hard to define. I'm not "between" partners - I'm in the middle of having "overlapping" partners... my wife and my boyfriend. I love and care for them both - and yet still have to find time for my kids and for myself. Some days it is harder to tell if the balance is working but I continue to try and do my best without getting too stressed over what others think and feel. That's the hard part for me.

I decided (again) this week that my life really shouldn't be based on what other's think or feel is right for me. I have come to that conclusion many times before but I always seem to migrate back to being a "pleaser" and whether I act on that impulse or not, the pressure to make others happy is always on me. I'm not sure what I want to do about it either - but I want the end result to be a healthy one for me.

I think this is all for today. I'm a bit stressed and need to go decompress. I think I'll take in a movie with my bf. Then perhaps go out and drink heavily (but responsibly!). I hope that all of the people close to me in this journey and in my life know that I love them, care for them and need them. I may not always be doing enough to get that message across. For that I can only hope for their understanding and mercy.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

05/24/2006 - TRUE FRIENDS...

My dad sent this to me the other day - and except for some minor tweaks - I have included it here unchanged. I laughed when I read this because it is VERY much like me. I hope you enjoy it as well. :)


Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this post - just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will speak slower and use smaller words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Remember: Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.


WOOF ya later!
- bbw

05/12/2006 - LETTING GO...

I've always been the kind of person who gathers things from various places, whether I need them or not, and brings them home for "future use". Call me a "collector". It has a better ring to it than, say... "dumpster diver"! Although, I remember all the way back in grade school, in June, after school was out, I would go behind the school and go through the dumpsters and find all the really "cool" stuff that the janitors and teachers had thrown away. Friends and I would get the used fluorescent tubes and play swords! Ultimately exploding the tubes on the cement with utter joy! We had light sabers before Star Wars came around! But I stray from the story... remember this point... I'm a "collector".

The thing about us "collectors" is that we turn into what other people sometimes refer to as "pack rats"! That's because we can collect much easier and faster than we can consume or use the items we store away. Often we don't even know what we will use something for. We just know that there is a "purpose" for the item somewhere in the future! Needless to say - we have space issues, storage issues, priority issues, and in particular... issues with letting our "stuff" go.

At this point in time, no vehicles can be parked in my two-car garage. One reason for that is that I did not put the 24 storage tubs of Christmas decorations (yes, more stuff!) back into the attic yet. But even if I did, there wouldn't be room for a car. My den has stacks of boxes and tubs that have to be moved just to get to the closet. I have stacks and stacks of books I plan to read someday, after I retire... maybe.

I plan to go through all these things, and have made several well-intentioned attempts to "clear things out" and get rid of things I don't need. But, the stuff usually wins.

I've been thinking about this aspect of my personality a lot lately. Not because I keep stubbing my toe on the stacks of boxes, or because it is a literal struggle to walk through my garage with my briefcase and camera bag each evening... but because I have realized I have trouble letting go of a lot of things - and not just "stuff".

This past week, as I struggled to develop and maintain two mySpace profiles, I realized how much time it was taking out of my days. I began to evaluate all the time I spend on those profiles, and the three websites I maintain, and emails accounts I have to check, read and answer for work and my personal email, and I came to the realization that I was simply running out of time! I asked myself why I was adding new mySpace profiles and came to the conclusion that it was so I could stay in touch with my friends, several of whom had urged me to get on mySpace!

So, there I was - tired, frustrated, running out of time and not knowing what to do about it all. I truly felt that each profile was a connection for me to someone, some friend or friends somewhere. And after all, we all want to be connected. We all want to belong. So it was somewhat against my nature when I started to think about closing some profiles. It made sense that I closed the mySpace because it was the newest and the one that took more time to maintain than some others. I also discovered that the need to simplify my life was greater than the need to "hold on" to my new "friend connections". It helped for me to realize that I'm not really cutting off contact with my friends, because they have my email and phone number. I was simply letting go of ONLY ONE way or method of reaching me.

This process of trying to simplify my life by reducing unnecessary elements, led me to think even deeper about my issues with letting go, and how this relates to people I know.

Even though I've always been shy, and it is hard for me to approach new people, once I was able to develop a rapport with someone, I have always considered them friends for life. Until the last 3 years, I had no concept of turning away a friend. Sure, sometimes we grow apart from people and lose track - but I had never considered cutting anyone out of my life intentionally. That is until I attracted a stalker! This stalker had been a friend, and because of that I made concession after concession and excuse after excuse and only when he became a danger to myself and my family did I tell him to leave us alone and never contact us again. At that point, I felt it was a need - even though it hurt me to do that to someone I once called friend.

But now, my thoughts are different. I'm looking at the people in my life and seeing that they too take time to care for, to nurture, to support and to encourage. All the things we do for our friends. And I realized that my time and resources are limited in this area as well. I had to start looking at individuals and ask myself - am I benefiting from this relationship - or is it more one-sided? Is there too much "take" and not enough "give" to support a friendship we can refer to as "healthy"? The collector in me says "You can never have too many friends!" but reality has begun to teach me a little different. First, I have to figure out what a true friend should look like. Just because someone is friendly and fun to be around - they may not really be bringing enough substance or positive energy to your life to sustain a true friendship. I think that if a person is a true friend, then the friendship is mutually beneficial to both parties. If that isn't the case - perhaps we need to let them "go" as friends, and be satisfied to consider them acquaintances instead - but then also limit the amount of energy and resources we devote to them - reserving enough energy and resources to keep ourselves healthy and our true friendships healthy as well.

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this - but I do know I have people in my life whom I have considered friends, but who in reality take far more energy and resources than they give, sometimes bringing more drama than peace to my life and who may also be complicating and jeopardizing my true friendships as a result. I'll have to think more about this topic, and may find that rather than holding onto something or someone who is draining me instead of supporting me, I may just have to begin letting go...

May you each find peace, love and friendship in the truest sense...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

04/20/2006 - THE HEAT IS ON...

Hey all!!! WoW! It's been a month since I was last on here... NO I was not on vacation. I've just been very very bizzayyyyy!!!

I guess the highlights since my last post include attending TBRU (Texas Bear Round-Up) in Dallas over the last weekend of March. Then I went to Corpus Christi and Padre Island to attend a wedding in which my bf was a groomsman. And then last weekend was Easter and on Sunday I took my bf, my wife and my kids down to the park off of Turtle Creek in Dallas to picnic and to watch the annual "Pooch Parade"!

TBRU has never been much of an "event" for me because I have never registered and done the whole "run" with all of its activities. Instead, I just go out in the gayborhood and to the clubs and bars to meet people - either new friends or old friends who are visiting from out of town. It is always fun and a little less hectic since I don't have the event schedule to keep up with! This year was the same. I got to meet some new people and see some other friends who I hadn't seen since last year. It was fun to relax and play catch-up over a few Bud Lite's! :) My bf and I spent the weekend just chillin either at his place or at Buli (awesome coffee shop on Cedar Springs) or at one patio or another! We both had a really good time.

The wedding in Corpus started out as a good excuse for a road-trip but turned out to be a total BLAST! The couple that got married have actually been married for 9 years, but that was done at the Justice of the Peace and the bride wanted a church wedding! But by including the bf and I - I believe she got much more than she bargained for! She and her husband and all of their family and friends turned out to be just the nicest, sweetest, funnest and most down-to-earth people that you would ever want to meet!

I was asked to do the photography for the pre-party, wedding and after-party (yes - they partayyyy!) and decided I would do that as a wedding gift, although several people had offered to pay for pictures. I took almost 1000 pics during the weekend. The one down-spot for me was that one of my memory cards had become corrupted and I lost about 250 pictures- including all the really good ones of the children at the reception. I'm STILL BUMMED!!! (moving on...)

The wedding couple and their friends took us on a limo tour of Corpus and parts of Padre while we drank and joked as the driver just rolled his eyes. I can't even go into all the different things we did that night - but believe me, it was crazy, unexpected and some of the things we did were just very, VERY WRONG!!!! LOL - but most of all - it was FUN! (and not entirely illegal!) We've been in touch with that crew almost daily since we came home and we all can't wait for a chance to get together again!

Easter this year was definitely different for me. In the most recent years prior - I would be all tied up in church activities - preparing for the Good Friday service, and then for the Easter Sunday service, and last year we even had a service on Saturday night! But with the my old church now officially defunct - I was free to do whatever I wanted! What a good feeling that was! So I decided to have the whole family go down to the park and watch Dallas' annual "pooch parade"! I'm not sure of the official name but a lot of people will dress up their dogs and even themselves to put on a parade for the people in the park. We got their with our fried chicken, mashed potatoes and our blankets and grabbed a spot in the shade! It got VERY VERY HOT that day - might have even broke 100F. Other friends called and came out to meet us and visit. It was just a real nice, relaxing time. It was really cool to include my kids, my wife and my boyfriend in this special way.

Well - that should have me caught up on the latest about what is going on with me... I hope that all of you are enjoying life, following your dreams and being kind to those around you. If not - you BETTER START!

Love and peace!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/21/2006 - FOOD FOR THOUGHT...

This was sent to me by the man I love. I believe it applies to us all. So I wanted to share...


As you grow up…
You will learn that the one person who wasn't ever supposed to let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it gets harder to handle each time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
And
You will eventually lose someone you love

Go ahead and take too many pictures
Make as many memories as you can
Laugh too much and too loud
And love like you've never been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

So…Wait for the ONE who…
…calls you beautiful instead of hot
…calls you back after you hang up on them
…will stay awake just to watch you sleep
…kisses your forehead
…wants to show you off to the world when you are in baggy pants and a torn T-shirt
…holds your hand in front of their friends
.…is constantly reminding you of how much they care about you
…says how lucky they are to have you
…turns to their friends and points to you and says, "..there he/she is – they are the ONE for me!"

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/20/2006 - TORN...

When you get bad news about someone you don't really know - it is easy to sympathize, but most often, deep feelings are spared. When you get bad news about someone you care about - there is the real pain of hurting for them, and hurting with them, and of course - wanting to do something to help.

Recently I heard some bad news about someone who falls outside of the two categories above. It was about someone I know, and used to care dearly for as a friend, but who has since shown himself to be very emotionally immature and unstable, choosing to attack me both physically and verbally, to such a degree that my feelings for him now are more akin to contempt and pity.

Then last week, without warning, I was told the "word on the street" is that my former friend had contracted the HIV virus, and worse, that he was having unprotected sex with others and lying to them about his status. I didn't know what to think. Moreover, I didn't know what to feel.

Knowing a little about the gay community in Dallas, and having some sense of the large number of people this man has alienated, I thought, and even hoped - that it was just a vicious rumor. Knowing also that it is practically impossible to truly know the HIV status of another person without actually seeing their medical test results, I questioned how accurate this news could really be. So I sat on what I had been told, and I realized that it was really bothering me. So I started to think about why I was so bothered.

I have since come to the conclusion that what bothered me initially was the fact that I didn't know how to feel. I was torn. I felt sad for the guy, and found myself hoping that it wasn't true. I also felt sad for anyone who may have had unprotected sex with him, because if they also heard the news - they would be in a panic over their careless choices - whether the news was factual or not. Then I felt angry... angry that anyone with HIV would lie to others about their status and angry with anyone who wouldn't just simply protect themselves REGARDLESS of what a random sex partner told them.

I thought about contacting the guy and just asking him outright if the news was true. I figured that he would either get mad that I asked, or deny that he was positive, or simply ignore my question. After giving it some thought, I determined to send him a message online and just tell him what I had heard and ask if it was true. I have always felt the best way to dispel a rumor was to go to the source. Since only he would know the "truth" I decided to give him the opportunity to set things straight. I figured that if he confirmed that he was indeed HIV positive, I could offer my condolences and maybe try to see if there was anything I could do to help. If he told me he was not HIV positive, then I would choose to believe him and be relieved that the rumor was false. So last week I asked him - and he chose not to respond.

The lack of response is actually what I expected from him. So I was not surprised or bothered by it. I also expected that he would then start talking to others about how I am spreading a rumor that he has contracted HIV - which he has already started to do. None of that bothers me - and in fact - I feel much better now. I'm no longer torn about how to feel. I think it was appropriate that I was worried for him and that I let him know what I had heard. If he ever does find out that he has HIV, I want him to know he can talk to me about it. Whether or not he ever chooses to do that would be in his court.

It is a peculiar world we live in where we have to assume other people are liars. But when it comes to sex, particularly in the gay community, we need to do just that. Unless someone tells us they have HIV or AIDS - if we want to have a sexual encounter with them, we need to assume that they are positive. And we need to protect ourselves accordingly! Too many people have contracted the HIV virus from others who swore they were negative. Too many young men, thinking that playing "somewhat" safe is safe enough - are now dealing with HIV and AIDS and all the emotions and trauma and health issues and costs that go along with that. Too many men aren't even being tested because not knowing their status allows them to say either they are negative "last time they checked" or to say "I don't know" leaving others to hope for the best.

If my former friend is HIV positive and having unprotected sex, well shame on him. But we cannot rest the blame solely on him, or anyone who is doing that. We need to hold all parties accountable. NO ONE out there in the world has made YOUR HEALTH their number one priority. So if you don't do it - no one will. Everyone - please know that there ARE men in the Dallas area and all over the world who are lying about their HIV status. Please take the responsibility that is yours alone - and protect yourself during sex.

TBRU is coming up this weekend. Please - make it a fun, and safe experience!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/06/2006 - BLESSED DAYS...

I'm back in the office today for the first time in almost two weeks. Normally that would mean I had a good, lengthy vacation - but not this time. My daughter suffers from Crohn's disease and we spent 11 days in the hospital trying to get her stabilized after discovering two abscesses in her abdomen and two new fistulae. I spent most of the time in her hospital room with her, leaving for a few of the nights while my wife came to give me a break, but working remotely from the hospital during the days. The good news is that she is home now and feeling much better! Praise God!

They say that God works in mysterious ways - and it was no different in the past two weeks. Getting to spend time with my daughter, almost completely uninterrupted for 11 days, was a blessing in itself. Much of the time she spent sleeping - so I was left in the quiet, dark room with plenty of time to think, or chat with friends online. When she was alert, we could talk and sit around playing cards. In our busy lives, we haven't had that much alone time with each other, and it was wonderful for us.

During that time, especially when I was the only one in the room awake - I would keep an outside line going with friends and family on the "outside". I was able to keep people updated on her condition and to also catch up with news about them and their families and loved ones. There was also a lot of time for prayer and reflection. It was during these times that I realized how lucky I am.

I'm lucky to have a daughter, and especially one so beautiful, talented and wonderful. It makes me pause when I see her so sick, and think about what my life would be like if I did not have her with me tomorrow. It really brings home to me how precious our time really is. Not that I didn't already know that - but it was a timely reminder. To see her in the hospital, dealing with the doctors, answering their questions and taking control of her treatment and her life - I see a strong and capable woman of 18. Her fierce independence and stubbornness that sometimes aggravates me to no end, makes me very proud to be her father and to know that she can take care of herself if she has to. Her timid, suffering moment - when she reaches for my hand to squeeze when she is scared or when the pain is too much to bear alone, breaks my heart and floods it with warmth and pride all at the same time. She is my daughter and I will always be her daddy.

I'm lucky to have my son too. He will be turning 17 this year! He is so excited about his birthday and about becoming a man. It thrills me to spend time with him and watch him with his still-childlike exuberance balanced on the edge of a man-like seriousness. He's always been the one who never wanted to grow up. He has always loved childhood - and because of that - has instilled something his childhood into each person who knows him. But he is growing up - and the fact that he is looking forward to the independence that comes with age will attest to that. He still takes life a day at a time. He still doesn't take too many things too seriously. And he still loves to laugh, tease, instigate, joke and play - just as much as he did when he was two! I look forward to any opportunity to be with him and to watch his mind work, and to see him shape his own personality, his own humor and his love of others, into the man that he is becoming. He is my son - and he lovingly calls me Dad.

I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to let me go and grow into the man I am becoming. My wife and I are still on our parallel journey. We are separated in many ways - yet also inextricably linked as parents, partners and friends forever. Our path is not completely smooth but neither is it unbearably rocky. Our challenges constantly change as we both become more and more independent - not unlike our children! We continue to make new friends and meet new people - all of whom come secondary to our family but some of whom get introduced to our family - and become friends of us all. We do tend to move quite slowly when it comes to introducing new people to our kids. We don't want to make the same mistake we did a few years ago when we introduced a man named Christopher, whom we thought was a friend, but who turned out instead, to be a fraud and an opportunist - looking for other people he could pull into his life to supply him with love, affection and intimacy to make up for what is lacking in himself. But like so much other garbage in our lives - we put that, and him, behind us and my wife and I are moving forward. Our love and our commitment to each other and to our children continue to hold strong. We continue to try and find time to connect - even for the briefest of moments at times - just to find out how the other is doing - and if either needs something. It is almost like a dance - to a slow and unfamiliar tune. We may not know all the steps, but we know each other - and that closeness allows us to dance right on through to the end. Our moments together should be treated like gold. When we forget that - we have each other and our children to remind us.

I'm lucky to have a partner who feels as lucky to have me as I am to have him. There is so much to be said about balance being one of the keys to fulfillment. For the first time in a long time, I feel balanced. It isn't so much about equality - because we are not always equal - but it is about finding equilibrium, coming to the center - and maintaining a healthy balance. My partner has been able to reflect back to me a man I've never seen before. He also shows me in himself, a person capable of deep love, deep spirituality, unearned trust and undeserved forgiveness. No matter where we are - the connection is felt. No matter how independent our thoughts, feelings, wants, dreams, desires or actions - we consider and "feel" the other. And through that connection - we are able to maintain our independence and not sacrifice our respect and commitment to each other. I can put pages and pages of words down on paper or on the computer screen - but the words will never adequately describe the truly unique and special bond I have with him.

So you see - these days - I am living a blessed life. Perhaps it has always been so and I just couldn't see it because of some dark events of the past. But I know that each day I try to live for that day and those moments. I try to look over the horizon into tomorrow and build hopes and dreams there. I try to make sure that each time I place my foot on the earth - I am pointing it in the direction of those hopes and those dreams. I try to spend less and less time peering over my shoulder and fearing the demons of childhood. Like for my children and for all children - there is a time to grow up and to put childish things away. My time is now - and it is a most blessed time.

May your days be filled with blessings; even when the sky is dark and the ground is trembling... blessings are on the way!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

02/16/2006 - OLD AGE...

This was sent to me today by my Dad. Having just turned 44, and having experienced some of the feelings of "getting older" physically despite the age I "feel" inside... I thought it quite appropriate to include here. Enjoy!

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body. The wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I did not need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I can say "yes." and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

02/06/2006 - ANOTHER YEAR BETTER...

This past Saturday was my birthday. The celebrating actually started on Friday night as my wife made a wonderful Cajun meal of crawfish étouffé, maquechoux (fried corn dish), rice and veggies. My bf made my birthday cake – a pineapple upside-down cake, which is my absolute favorite! It was so moist and the whole meal was just WONDERFUL! After dinner, my bf and I went to a club to celebrate another friends’ birthday. It was nice to see some friends we had not seen in a while. Then on Saturday morning, my wife and kids (mostly my wife!) made a breakfast of waffles, ham, sausage, grits, eggs, cinnamon toast, juice and more! It was a wonderful feast – again! (Birthday’s are GOOD!) But I wasn’t finished with the eating just yet… Saturday night I had dinner at a local seafood restaurant called Hook Line and Sinker. The seafood there is so fresh and delicious and the place is always hopping! The party of 10 ended up being just 7 because three friends ended up not making it. We all ate well and then headed out for some drinks, dancing and socializing. All in all it was a very fun night! Then, Sunday was Super Bowl – so decadent eating was planned again as we had all kinds of junk-food piled up at the house and friends over to enjoy the game! What a great weekend! And, what a great family and group of friends I have at this point in my life! I am more blessed than I can ever express. I hope I do a good job of letting them all know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate their love and care. THANK YOU!

Yes, I’m another year older – but I prefer to think of it as another year BETTER. Better in the sense that I have another year of life-experience and of lessons learned under my belt. I have another year of time spent designing and building this thing I call “my life”. I have another year of shared experiences with family, friends (old and new!) and loved-ones. This year I turned 44. In some ways that seems “old” but in so many ways – I don’t feel “old” at all. When I think about it – I never have felt old – at least not yet. But there are days when I look in the mirror and am faced with the reality of physical changes. Some days I look more tired, or allergies have me looking puffy and such. But inside, I still have energy and vitality – and in many ways I have more than I’ve had in years! So, should 44 bother me? It doesn’t. I hear all the time that I look much younger than I am. That can be very flattering – and, if I let myself believe it, I suppose it could affect how I see myself. But I’ve never been a fan of letting others decide for me how to feel about myself. I spent far too much time in my childhood and youth letting others tell me who I was, what I liked, what I wanted and what I was supposed to be and do. So I’m pretty resistant now to letting others affect or alter my self-image, even if it is a positive change. But just like the comments I hear about how young I look – there are many people, especially men in the gay community, that are hung up on the “numbers” of age.

When I used to chat more online, I would sometimes encounter guys who would engage me in conversation, only to stop abruptly when they found out I was 40 or older. I have had some tell me they really aren’t interested in talking to or meeting someone in their 40s. Other’s revealed that they only talk to guys aged 30 or younger and so on and so forth. I never could understand this – and I guess I still don’t. But if I did buy into this way of thinking – I think I would feel old. I think that many guys DO buy into it – that’s why I see so many guys my age and older getting face lifts, botox, dye-jobs, spray-on tans and more. I don’t want to judge them for this – but I do think it is sad that the idea of the “culture of youth” causes them to try and alter their appearance – often with less than desirable results. What’s even sadder – is that often the procedures don’t mask their age at all – it only underlines their age and their desperation to escape to younger days. I would love to encourage everyone to embrace their own age and to embrace others for who they are as people – regardless of their age. I think if we could all do more of that – the world would be a friendlier, warmer and more loving place. And I think the gay community would experience less frustration, loneliness and exclusion from inside as well as out.

My birthday marked the beginning of another year of my life. Hey! I’m 44 now!!! What will that mean in the long run? I guess I’ll know the answer to that next February. I can say that I am very excited about what this next year holds for me. I’m continuing to gradually build my business as an artist and photographer. I’m continuing to express myself creatively in writing, art and the way I live my life. I’m continuing to face each day on my own terms – taking care of myself, my family, my wife, my kids, my boyfriend and my friends. I’m continuing to express the feelings and desires of my heart and soul by journaling both in private and in this blog. I’m continuing to speak out against what I see as unjust or unfair or just downright wrong – and I’m continuing to applaud, encourage and support those things in life that are good, fair, uplifting and bringing freedom to people around the world. I have a busy year ahead of me! I don’t have time to feel old, or sorry for myself. I find the more that I get involved in life – the more energy I have and the younger I feel. I encourage you all to try it. Get into life. Get into your life and move it in a direction that is right and healthy for you and your spirit!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/30/2006 - MONDAY MONDAY...

Well January 2006 is almost gone! WOW - it's been a whirlwind month. By all rights I should not be feeling so good today - having just gotten over a cold and only getting 4 hours of sleep last night. Also dealing with some difficult projects at work and business meetings and conference calls - to which I like to joke, I'm allergic! But, it was just one of those positive and high-energy days and nothing could get me down. My spirit has been soaring all day and I managed to get quite a bit accomplished. I'm feeling better after the cold and the rest of my family and loved-ones are all happy and healthy!

That's not to say my feathers didn't get ruffled a bit - especially when I got the news that a whole new batch of former church members are now phoning around gossiping about how they heard a rumor that I was living a "homosexual lifestyle". Apparently this was a topic of discussion at the pastor's home where church was held this past Sunday. It seems that at some time after church, calls were relayed across the metroplex to people I haven't had any contact with in over 5 years, trying to find out if anyone knew or could validate the rumor! I guess my question would be "What exactly is a 'homosexual lifestyle'?"

I mean seriously! I've always had a problem with labels being used to define people, so this didn't sit too well with me on that count. But this also had me chuckling and shaking my head as I pictured these poor unfulfilled people scattering and burning up the phone lines trying to find some threads of truth about my life - no, make that "lifestyle"! What on earth do these folks do with their time? What kind of life allows one to sit in church and discuss someone elses life, AND in sexual terms, and then causes them to take action to involve as many people as they can to try and get to the "truth" - which of course they can't get to without going to the source - which would be my family and I. Finally, a call was placed to some friends of ours who did contact my wife to offer support and apologize for what they called "the gossip". Even though these friends have yet to talk to me - I applaud them for at least calling my wife and letting her know what was going on.

As for the gossip, if I try to make a comparison, I try to imagine me discussing some of them and asking if it is true they are living a hetersexual lifestyle, or in the case of some, an asexual lifestyle. "Could it be true - she ain't gettin' any?" I simply can't imagine that subject being discussed in the church I used to attend. I can't imagine anyone putting up with that. In some ways it is sad. In some ways it is comical, and still in other ways, it is disturbing. These are your "christian" leaders in the community! I just have to say "no thanks!" I'll stick with God and with a deep spirituality and sense of love and integrity as taught by Jesus. I don't have much use for cowards, hypocrites and glass-housed finger pointers. They are the ones giving christians a bad name.

Last year, after my pastor and his wife called my wife over to their house to "out" me to her and to offer her their support, I dealt with my initial reaction and went back to church. I was still the same me, the same man they had always known, but now, some of them knew a little bit more. Since I was not ashamed of my life, it was rather easy for me to continue going. But once the pastor's wife stopped making eye contact and avoiding me without ever saying a word to me about the whole matter, and went to my wife accusing me of avoiding her - I figured it was way too much trouble for her to deal with. Add to that, the fact that my best friends (the pastor and his wife) decided not to discuss the "issues" with me but to talk about me with others instead, and I decided not to return to that church. Once again, these are the people that others in the church look to for leadership. What example is being set?

If you have read this far, you might have forgotten that today, Monday, was a really GOOD day for me. It really was. I've long since dealt with the break-down of past relationships based on the inability of others to face me or deal directly with me. Some send their love to me via my wife. Others act as if I've fallen off the face of the planet. That for the most part is behind me. So the "stirring" today has caused me to think, to ponder, to laugh and to walk through my thoughts and feelings again - but it was also very self-affirming. I found I was rather surprised by my emotional reaction. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hurt. I was just a bit agitated in a pebble-in-the-shoe kind of way. But mostly I laughed at the ridiculous nature of the people whose names were given to me today - the names of those who are all "caught-up" in my "lifestyle" rumor! And the fact that I didn't feel angry or hurt helped me to see that I have grown. I feel that I am learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. So much of what has happened to me, my feelings, my relationships, my choices, etc. is still a bit new to me. I'm still adjusting. My wife and kids are still adjusting. And best of all - even if no one else ever came around to offer support - we have each other. We are still and always will be, a family. I love them. They love me. And I'm learning a little more each day to love me too.

Monday was a good day...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/24/2006 - SPIRITUAL DEPTHS...

As I got ready for work this morning - I was listening to music on my much-loved iPod when a christian song came on. It was one I had not heard in a while. I think it was by DC Talk. The lyrics state "I know you need some Jesus in your life" and I got to thinking about what that meant.

On the drive in this morning - the questions were still buzzing around in my head and I reached the conclusion that what was missing from most christian churches, theologies and orthodox teachings was just that, Christ - or rather, Jesus.

I've always been a deeply spiritual person - even more so since belonging to my former church where Pastor John taught us about spirit, the "true voice" of Christ and the foundational nature of love and forgiveness. And since that is a part of my nature, I've been missing the sense of belonging to a spiritual community. I would love to say I miss my old church and my "friends" there - but in truth, I only miss what they once represented to me. Before I left the church, they were always so friendly and not one day would go by without me getting at least one email or phone call from someone at church. But after being somewhat "outed" to my pastor and his wife, apparently tongues got to wagging and these so-called friends and christians began talking about me rather than to me. So I can't say I miss them at all. But I do miss the idea of them as friends and as my spiritual "family".

So the lyrics of the song spoke to me this morning, and I started to think of them in a larger context - that the world needs some Jesus. What does this mean? Should we spread Christianity across the world? Should we spread Jesus across the world? No... I don't think that is what God wants nor do I think it is what Jesus called us to do. Instead, we are to take the model Jesus brought us; the model of love and forgiveness, of acceptance and tolerance, of patience and kindness, and remake ourselves in that image. If we were to do that - we wouldn't have to be caught up in teaching "about" Jesus - instead, we would be teaching those around us how to BE Jesus.

Yes, we need some Jesus in our lives. We need to be able to see him in our actions AND our words, not just one or the other. We need to be able to see him in our reflection when we gaze upon the mirror or a still pond. We need to be able to see him in our children who are the best reflections of ourselves that we shall ever encounter. We need to see him in the eyes of our friends when they look upon us with a pure love.

Today's religions are all working from the wrong spiritual foundation. One of the first things they do when a newcomer walks in the door is to explain why "they" are different from other religions - and then - why "they" are right while others are wrong. This in itself screams hypocrasy because Jesus would have started not by focusing on differences, but by focusing on things held in common. Jesus was all about inclusion - while most world religions today are about exclusion. How could they have missed the mark on such a basic concept?

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, or as a rant of sorts - they are just my thoughts. My soul continues to grow and my spirituality continues to deepen with each day. I have some friends and family with whom I can share this - but I want to reach out into the world and encourage all of mankind, to love each other and to accept each other.

I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people, friends and family that love and accept me in a way I've never experienced before in my life. I want that for you too!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/17/2006 - TIME TRAVELING...

Ah yes... a new year and all the promise and excitement that holds in our imaginations! What will this year bring? What will we do with our time this year? Will we finally make the time to do that thing we have been thinking about for years...

Only you know the answers to those questions for yourself.

As for me, it is strange that I even ask the questions. I've always been a "today" kinda guy. For many, many reasons I have never spent a lot of time thinking about my past. Although, for a long time, my past did seem to consume way too much of my present! On the other side of things - I could never grasp the concept of "seeing" a future. Even now it is strange for me.

I've often been to seminars, meetings or simply in discussion with friends where I was asked to tell or write about where I see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I HATED that! I could never come up with anything. All I could say was "I don't know" and the truth be told - I really didn't. No one knows for sure where they will be in the coming years - or if they will even be around. But that was never the point! I'm beginning to understand that the point was to allow ourselves to dream of a future. That was something I could never do. I always saw myself in the same spot - doing the same job, living in the same place, driving the same vehicle, hanging with the same people and following the same routine. Not that any of that was bad or wrong - but I was so tightly tied to the present (and control issues) that I wouldn't allow things to become fluid and actually allow for "unknown" change in my vision.

That is starting to change for me now. I'm starting to loosen up as I realize control is just an illusion. I'm starting to live with more purpose and with less fear, and a few days ago I realized that my bf had a lot to do bringing about this change in me.

I won't go into all the ways he has helped me to be calm, to feel safe and to learn trust. Many of those things are very subtle and they are too many to name... But I managed to put some of my feelings into words in a poem I wrote for him yesterday. Yesterday also happened to be my mother's birthday. She passed away in 2001 and she also represented a huge "control" issue for me in my life. So as I continue to let go of some of my issues regarding control, fear and distrust, perhaps I am also saying goodbye to some negative feelings and energy.

So today, I send my mother a kiss and a wish for a happy birthday as I remember the good things in her - and hope that wherever she is - her spirit is blessed.

To my bf - I give this poem and I thank him for helping me dream of a future, my future, our future.

-----------------------------------------------

My Time Traveler

Today I looked at myself
And saw a man I didn’t recognize
I found someone stronger
And more self assured
Than the last time I looked
Someone happier
And more whole
And I thought to myself
Why
Where did he come from
What has happened to me
And I realized
It was you
You happened to me
And you have touched
Every part of me

Like a time traveler
You have moved from the now
Into all parts of my life
You have not only changed my today
But my tomorrow
And surprisingly – my yesterday
No longer is the future so terribly foggy
And today when I looked at my past
The days were not as dark
Nor as hideous
It’s not that the past has changed
But those days no longer hold me
No longer sink fangs into my skin
And catch my every breath
You have changed
Every part of me

What a gift God has given you
To be able to impact time
To have the ability to brighten the future
And calm the turbulent past
What a gift from God
That I now have you in my life
A spirit that travels the same path as I
A soul that understands hurt and pain
A hand that soothes and a word that heals
How blessed are we to have each other
And to have honesty and integrity
You reflect back to me the man I want to be
The man I hope I am
Like a mirror that casts
The light of time across
Every part of me

-----------------------------------------------

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/09/2006 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

Well this is rather uncharacteristic of me, putting a personal message out here on the World Wide Web, especially since I am such a private person who likes to keep personal matters to myself. However, having said that, I think that birthdays should be celebrated and that we should always try to celebrate those around us. Today is the anniversary of the birth of my boyfriend. And yes, it is traditional to celebrate such days as special and to treat the person to gifts, parties, surprises and tons of attention, but it is so much more to me. Today I celebrate the beginning of a journey that began 35 years ago. I met him just before he turned 34 - so in truth - it took 33 years of wandering through life for us to find each other. The kicker is we weren't aware of each other - nor were we looking for anyone. Yet, somehow life had other plans for us. We were treated to something special... call it fate, or destiny or whatever you want. What I recognize is the miracle of meeting, getting to know, and being with someone who helps me to be a stronger, better man. He is someone who brings out my best instead of my worst, someone who compliments my personality and tempers my rough edges. So, while today is a celebration of his life - I feel like the greatest of gifts was actually given to me. For that, and for him, I am deeply, deeply grateful. One last gift is this poem I wrote for him tonight...

*** DEEPER ***
Tidal waters move
Pounding the shore
Grinding rock, stone, sand
Wearing down
Washing back out
Only to recharge
Pound again
And then wash away
Finding a place
Deeper

So like life
As days come upon us
Sometimes overwhelming
Tearing down
Retreating for a while
Only to cycle around
And hit us again
With circumstance
While we search for something
Deeper

Then there is you
Entering my world
Never overbearing
Always building me up
Yet giving me space
To fail and to grow
For such is love
Within you I've found a soul
And a place
Deeper

--- Happy Birthday Baby!

For us all, let's treat every day like our loved one's birthday - making sure they know they are loved, and appreciated, and that THEY are the true gifts in our lives.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/01/2006 - TO BEGIN AGAIN...

Here we are - a new year has begun! I'm not sure about you, but I've never been big on new year's resolutions. It's just never made much sense to me. Why wait until the beginning of a new year to put into practice something you know you should have done on May 18th?! Now I'm not trying to stomp on anyone's tradition. I believe it is fine for those you practice it - but for me - I want to practice daily resolutions. That is... as each day unfolds and I come across something I need to change in order for my life to be more fulfilled - I want to put that change into effect ASAP!

I hope that as 2006 begins to open up to us, that we can all move into it with intention and determination. I hope we can all find the strength and motivation to develop new self-disciplines if that is what we need to get our lives in order. This is particularly important to me because I tend to over-stretch my life, my time and my involvement in so many different areas. Also, my office at home and my garage are both a wreck - and I need to be more disciplined in cleaning them up - organizing them and keeping them that way!

I also pray that each of you find peace, love and fulfillment this year. That you find a way to make your own lives better and also enhance the lives of those around you.

Happy New Year everyone! May it be the best one yet!!!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

12/27/2005 - HAPPY HAPPY...

Well, another year about to come to a close. Christmas is now behind us and the new year just days away. So many thoughts and feelings have been going through my mind lately. The Christmas season was great, and it was so fun to celebrate with my wife and kids AND my boyfriend all together under one roof. We also had some friends over so it was a full house!

I was able to send out cards to many long-standing friends, and send email messages and phone text greetings to some other for whom I don't have a mailing address. I'm sure there are still others whom I missed, and to them I say "Happy, Happy Ho Ho!!!" I hope that everyone's Christmas was blessed and that the coming year is filled with opportunities to do more of what we want to do with our lives!

We've had our share of health issues with my daughter dealing with Crohn's disease that doesn't seem to want to rest. The rest of use battling IBS or migraines along with other minor maladies that just make living and working that much more of a challenge. All in all our health has been good - and I pause to think of friends who have HIV, AIDS, Cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. I pray a special prayer for them. It is a prayer of peace, of healing and of love. I've often said to family and friends that I am a great nurse but a terrible patient. If I'm caring for someone who is ill - I will do pretty much whatever I can to make them comfortable and to make sure their needs are met even before they voice them. But, when I'm I'll - a lot of the time I just want to be left alone. I'm trying to be less like that - and more open to allowing others to provide comfort to me. It is just not how I was raised and is so foreign to me that it feels wrong. I say this because I know other people who are ill, who have a hard time facing others or allowing themselves to "need" others in their illness. I'm trying to be more understanding of that and find creative ways to be compassionate and available to them.

For those of us who have been experiencing good health - may it continue into and through the new year!

There is a lot on which I can reflect from 2005, and I probably will in an upcoming blog. In the meantime I just want to send out warm wishes of love and peace to all who read this. May you have peace in your lives, in your heart and in your world.

With all my love and hope for the coming year!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

12/05/2005 - ON THE RUN...

No, I'm not trying to hide from the holiday crowds and the crazy mall traffic - although I will avoid them as much as I can... but I am moving forward in life at a rather quick clip! This past week and weekend were full of activities and it doesn't look like things will slow down for some time.

My bf and I participated in an art auction this past weekend, both contributing an original piece for sale. All time, supplies and artwork were donated by about 100 local artists, including five really good bands who supplied live music for the auction audience. There were also countless volunteers to help get the venue ready by cleaning, setting up tables, serving drinks - you name it! The event was a total success with amazing attendance and it raised over $11,000 for the Children's Health Fund. My wife, kids and other friends were in attendance and really enjoyed viewing the art and taking in the experience!

We also did our family Christmas cards in our typical family tradition. To make it more of a fun thing - we always go to a local restaurant early on a Saturday morning and order food to eat while we all write out cards, share stories and just basically have a fun time. We also include friends who want to participate and this year my bf came with us.

After doing our cards, we attended the Turtle Creek Chorale holiday concert. This was a first for my children and they really enjoyed the show!

As we get closer and closer to Christmas and New Years, our schedules get tighter and tighter. There are several evenings where I am double-booked and still trying to figure out how to be in two places at one time! No matter! I'm not going to stress out about it and will only do as much as I can. :)

This year the holidays will be somewhat different than in the past few years. Since our last church disbanded and since I'm no longer attending the new church - many of those old friends are no longer in touch with me or with my family. We are still sending them Christmas cards - but I will miss seeing their faces and sitting down to pot-lucks with them. I wish them all the best for their holidays and the coming year. Saying goodbye to the old usually means that we are also saying hello to something new. This year, my bf will participate in our family traditions, feasts and celebrations. I'm not sure how comfortable or awkward any of that will be, but if Thanksgiving is any indication - we are all going to have a wonderful, comfortable, very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

I'm more excited about the holidays this year than I have been in about 4 years... I hope you are excited too!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/22/2005 - LETTING GO...

As Thanksgiving approaches, there is so much in life for which to be thankful. Sometimes it is harder to see those things. As we become busy with work, family, friends and just daily survival - we can miss the miracles that surround us every second of the day. My prayer for the world is that we all find a way to slow down, to look around, to let go of things that are holding us down, or are simply just not important, and that we take time, no, MAKE time, to do those things that are important. We need to do the things that feed our passions and our souls.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a vision today of a man. Perhaps he was you, or maybe he was me. This man walked around with his left hand balled up into a fist. He was not an angry man and he wasn't attempting to express discontent with a particular person or thing. In fact, he was quite a peaceful man; sort of quiet and even a little sad.

The man's left hand was balled up because he was holding a fistful of sand. He didn't even notice it much anymore, except when he felt some of the sand working through his fingers and spilling out. It had become second nature to him, to hold onto the sand with all his might. So while he was rather laid back and relaxed in most aspects of his demeanor and lifestyle - his left hand and arm had become rigid and stiff. The veins protruding under the bronzed skin covering muscle, sinew and bone.

From his youth, he remembered that day on the beach so clearly. The old woman, who reminded him of a gypsy fortune-teller, had told him to thrust his hand deep into the sand and grab a big handful of the slippery stuff. She told him to hold onto it and never let go. She explained that those grains of sand, each little one, represented a piece of him - and that losing even one grain could result in the loss of something too important to do without.

This had a tremendous impact on his boy-mind - and he worried about his future. He asked the old woman how he would be able to go through life without the use of his left hand. The old woman told him that the sacrifice of his left hand was insignificant compared to the control he now had on his life and his future. She told him that his left hand now held all the power he would ever need to be successful at business, at love and at life in general. She warned the boy that if he were to give up and drop the sand - he would be forever cursed and doomed to failure and even to the point of death. Then she walked away and eventually disappeared on the horizon.

While the boy had been impressionable and intimidated by the prospect of death, with age that intimidation had become determination. Very soon the boy learned to do things using only his right hand. As his dexterity improved, his confidence grew and he felt better and better about himself. The only time that really concerned him was at night, when his body relaxed and he worried about loosening his grip and losing the sand while he slept. So he had devised a contraption of cloth and rubber bands that he placed on his hand each night to assure that his hand would stay tight. Over time, even this became unnecessary as his body learned not to relax his left hand.

As years went by, from time to time a few of the smaller grains of sand would shift and work their way through the cracks in his fist and fall out. At these times the man would panic. He would begin to imagine that his sight would go, or that his kidneys would cease to function. Perhaps he would lose his job or his dog would run away. These panics would be so debilitating that it would take days, sometimes even weeks for him to fully recover, and only after realizing that those particular grains of sand must have represented something minor. Perhaps it was the reason his hair was thinning.

Every now and then - he would begin to sense a deep aching in his left hand. It started out as a minor pain, but soon would work up into a vicious throbbing that radiated from his hand with the pain and heat of a wild fire. The first time this happened - he went to the doctor, desperate for some painkillers. After the doctor called him into the examination room - the man explained about the pain and about the sand in his hand. The doctor looked at him dumbfounded and told him the only thing he needed to do was to let go of the sand. The doctor then started to explain the physiological implications of holding his hand closed so tightly, but was interrupted by the man who, without allowing further explanation, began hurling insults at the doctor and then ran from the examination room, never slowing down until he was safely home. Tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't understand why.

Then suddenly the man in my vision looked up at the mirror in his foyer and saw me. He asked me if I was a vision or a reflection and I told him I was no longer sure. I noticed that the front of my shirt was tear-soaked as well. Then I asked the man to show me his left hand. He held up his fist to the mirror, knowing that I could not touch it. I asked him to show me what was inside of his balled fingers. He withdrew slightly and said that he could not, because if he opened his hand, he would die. I looked into his wet, tired eyes and said three simple words; “It’s just sand”.

Suddenly the man’s mind reeled with images of all the things he had given up as a child, as a young man and as an adult in order to hold tightly to his sand. He remembered the playground where he watched the other kids swing as he stood by gripping his treasure. He remembered the awkward high-school years when he wanted to play baseball and football but settled for being a fan on the sidelines – enduring the taunts of others who called him the “sandman”. He remembered the warm brown eyes of the one woman who ever took the time to talk to him, and who encouraged him to know her better by opening his heart, and his hand to take hers. The salt of new tears blurred these images and burned his face as he realized what a fool he had been. How the old woman at the beach had tricked him and how he had been so gullible. And yet, even in the midst of this revelation – his hand stayed shut like an iron cage.

Defeated, he looked back at the mirror and into my eyes. Desperately he asked – “what can I do?”

Looking back at him, I said that his hand had been closed for many, many years, and that he could not expect to simply open it wide at once. I explained that he needed to go slowly, and break old habits by consciously willing his hand to open. I told him it might take days, months or even years for him to regain full dexterity in his hand, but that the first step was to make the decision to let go. Let the sand fall free. Take the twisted, gnarled hand and treat it with warmth and with love and eventually it would return to him with the usefulness God intended.

As the vision began to fade from me – I thought I saw the man smile, but his head dropped down and I couldn’t be sure. I followed his gaze to the floor to see what he was staring at and there it was; a small,
but growing,
...pile of sand.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peace, love and thanks to all of you!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/14/2005 - SEARCHING...

I'm in a weird mood today - so who knows what this blog will reveal! Maybe it's because I'm tired. The weekend was a busy one as I volunteered to work a vendor booth and also work security at the IGRA (International Gay Rodeo Association) National Finals, held in Mesquite, Texas this past weekend. My bf and I both volunteered and had to be there early in the morning. By Sunday evening we were just completely worn out. We stopped for dinner with friends on our way home and then got to his place and just crashed...

All in all it was a wonderful weekend though. We got to see some dear friends and meet some new people too. I was able to take some pictures of the rodeo and hopefully some of those will turn out good enough to include in my portfolio.

Also, on Thursday, my bf and I celebrated the one-year anniversary of our first face-to-face meeting (we really didn't consider it a date - we just attended the same movie with a group of people). That was a spectacular milestone for us. I'm proud of him and of myself in a small way - for sticking together and communicating with each other through the hard times. He's really an amazing man!

I guess that is what got my mind wandering as I drove in to work today. I thought about how wonderful he is and how much he says, and shows me he loves me. Then I thought about why I find that so incredible, and actually, very hard to believe. I think it goes back to my being raised to think I would never amount to anything - and therefore - never be loveable. On the conscious level - I don't think I ever bought into that. But at some deeper levels - I think I'm conditioned to believe it even today. That is something about myself I want to change.

I started thinking about why, when it appears I have everything I will ever need to bring me happiness and fulfillment, I feel the need to search for something else, or something more. Why can I not accept things as "good" and let them be? Why do I have to have these nagging little thoughts that tell me "it's too good to be true"? Can't it just be true?

I get the feeling that the something else I'm searching for is actually something inside of me - or maybe missing from inside of me. I've worried in the past that I will never really be able to love someone, simply because I don't think I was ever taught what love is, and how love (healthy love) is supposed to look. I'm thoroughly convinced that I can make others "feel" loved. I can even convince myself that I "love" that other person. But - there is still the nagging question in my brain, asking "Is it real? Are you sure? Could you just be fibbing to yourself and to the other person - and then believing your own lie?" This turns into absolute torture for me as I doubt myself, my own intentions, my own feelings and those of everyone around me.

If it is torture for me - imagine what it is like for the people whom I profess to love - when they become aware of my questions, my insecurities, my distrust of myself and of them.

That's why I can tell you that my bf is an amazing man. He knows these "bad" things about me. He even understands a little bit about why I have such doubts. He knows my demons - and also knows that they are not "me". Yes, they are a part of me. They are a part of my experience, but they do not equal me as a person. He knows, and tells me, that I am much larger than those demons, much better and kinder in spirit, and much stronger - so that one day, I will recognize them and overcome them.

So what am I searching for? What are so many of us in the world out there searching for? Perhaps it is the day, or the moment, when we can recognize our own strength, and our own goodness, and then be able to apply that recognition to our new experience of life and finally put away our self-doubts and truly love ourselves, and all of those who are around us, without ever wondering if it is "real". Because then, it will be!

To my hero, my partner, my better-half and soulmate - thank you for making my life "real"!

Peace to your spirits, your searching souls.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/09/2005 - PICK UP, MOVE FORWARD...

The election results in Texas are clear: poor voter turnout with an overwhelming lean toward legislated bigotry, divisiveness and discrimination. Of course I'm talking about Proposition 2, that amends the Texas state constitution to define a "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman. It pains me to realize that here in the "bible belt" - there is very little of Christ in our christianity! This kind of legislation directly contradicts the teachings of Jesus - who always upheld inclusion, acceptance and love. I would include forgiveness - but that does not even apply here. Should we require forgiveness for being gay, bi or transgendered? I don't think so. If forgiveness should be applied to this situation in any way - it will have to be our forgiveness of those who voted for the amendment for "they know not what they do".

Speaking of those who are transgendered, how will this amendment impact them? How will they be looked upon under the law that does not specifically define "man" and "woman"? I guess that is up to future court cases to decide. In any event - this is merely a blight on the human record, that I feel will in time be corrected. Our children and their children are already learning how to accept and embrace diversity. Someday they will be more active in our churches, in our schools and in our government - and they will look back and shake their heads at what has happened here today. They will ask themselves and each other - "What were they thinking?!!!"

For us here today - we need to keep hold of hope. We need to accept this minor defeat, pick ourselves up, dust off our britches and move forward, continuing to spread a message of love, acceptance, inclusion and yes, forgiveness. But we also need to practice what we preach! Let's not just talk about it - let's do it.

In the meantime... peace and love to you all!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw