When you get bad news about someone you don't really know - it is easy to sympathize, but most often, deep feelings are spared. When you get bad news about someone you care about - there is the real pain of hurting for them, and hurting with them, and of course - wanting to do something to help.Recently I heard some bad news about someone who falls outside of the two categories above. It was about someone I know, and used to care dearly for as a friend, but who has since shown himself to be very emotionally immature and unstable, choosing to attack me both physically and verbally, to such a degree that my feelings for him now are more akin to contempt and pity.
Then last week, without warning, I was told the "word on the street" is that my former friend had contracted the HIV virus, and worse, that he was having unprotected sex with others and lying to them about his status. I didn't know what to think. Moreover, I didn't know what to feel.
Knowing a little about the gay community in Dallas, and having some sense of the large number of people this man has alienated, I thought, and even hoped - that it was just a vicious rumor. Knowing also that it is practically impossible to truly know the HIV status of another person without actually seeing their medical test results, I questioned how accurate this news could really be. So I sat on what I had been told, and I realized that it was really bothering me. So I started to think about why I was so bothered.
I have since come to the conclusion that what bothered me initially was the fact that I didn't know how to feel. I was torn. I felt sad for the guy, and found myself hoping that it wasn't true. I also felt sad for anyone who may have had unprotected sex with him, because if they also heard the news - they would be in a panic over their careless choices - whether the news was factual or not. Then I felt angry... angry that anyone with HIV would lie to others about their status and angry with anyone who wouldn't just simply protect themselves REGARDLESS of what a random sex partner told them.
I thought about contacting the guy and just asking him outright if the news was true. I figured that he would either get mad that I asked, or deny that he was positive, or simply ignore my question. After giving it some thought, I determined to send him a message online and just tell him what I had heard and ask if it was true. I have always felt the best way to dispel a rumor was to go to the source. Since only he would know the "truth" I decided to give him the opportunity to set things straight. I figured that if he confirmed that he was indeed HIV positive, I could offer my condolences and maybe try to see if there was anything I could do to help. If he told me he was not HIV positive, then I would choose to believe him and be relieved that the rumor was false. So last week I asked him - and he chose not to respond.
The lack of response is actually what I expected from him. So I was not surprised or bothered by it. I also expected that he would then start talking to others about how I am spreading a rumor that he has contracted HIV - which he has already started to do. None of that bothers me - and in fact - I feel much better now. I'm no longer torn about how to feel. I think it was appropriate that I was worried for him and that I let him know what I had heard. If he ever does find out that he has HIV, I want him to know he can talk to me about it. Whether or not he ever chooses to do that would be in his court.
It is a peculiar world we live in where we have to assume other people are liars. But when it comes to sex, particularly in the gay community, we need to do just that. Unless someone tells us they have HIV or AIDS - if we want to have a sexual encounter with them, we need to assume that they are positive. And we need to protect ourselves accordingly! Too many people have contracted the HIV virus from others who swore they were negative. Too many young men, thinking that playing "somewhat" safe is safe enough - are now dealing with HIV and AIDS and all the emotions and trauma and health issues and costs that go along with that. Too many men aren't even being tested because not knowing their status allows them to say either they are negative "last time they checked" or to say "I don't know" leaving others to hope for the best.
If my former friend is HIV positive and having unprotected sex, well shame on him. But we cannot rest the blame solely on him, or anyone who is doing that. We need to hold all parties accountable. NO ONE out there in the world has made YOUR HEALTH their number one priority. So if you don't do it - no one will. Everyone - please know that there ARE men in the Dallas area and all over the world who are lying about their HIV status. Please take the responsibility that is yours alone - and protect yourself during sex.
TBRU is coming up this weekend. Please - make it a fun, and safe experience!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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