I'm back in the office today for the first time in almost two weeks. Normally that would mean I had a good, lengthy vacation - but not this time. My daughter suffers from Crohn's disease and we spent 11 days in the hospital trying to get her stabilized after discovering two abscesses in her abdomen and two new fistulae. I spent most of the time in her hospital room with her, leaving for a few of the nights while my wife came to give me a break, but working remotely from the hospital during the days. The good news is that she is home now and feeling much better! Praise God!They say that God works in mysterious ways - and it was no different in the past two weeks. Getting to spend time with my daughter, almost completely uninterrupted for 11 days, was a blessing in itself. Much of the time she spent sleeping - so I was left in the quiet, dark room with plenty of time to think, or chat with friends online. When she was alert, we could talk and sit around playing cards. In our busy lives, we haven't had that much alone time with each other, and it was wonderful for us.
During that time, especially when I was the only one in the room awake - I would keep an outside line going with friends and family on the "outside". I was able to keep people updated on her condition and to also catch up with news about them and their families and loved ones. There was also a lot of time for prayer and reflection. It was during these times that I realized how lucky I am.
I'm lucky to have a daughter, and especially one so beautiful, talented and wonderful. It makes me pause when I see her so sick, and think about what my life would be like if I did not have her with me tomorrow. It really brings home to me how precious our time really is. Not that I didn't already know that - but it was a timely reminder. To see her in the hospital, dealing with the doctors, answering their questions and taking control of her treatment and her life - I see a strong and capable woman of 18. Her fierce independence and stubbornness that sometimes aggravates me to no end, makes me very proud to be her father and to know that she can take care of herself if she has to. Her timid, suffering moment - when she reaches for my hand to squeeze when she is scared or when the pain is too much to bear alone, breaks my heart and floods it with warmth and pride all at the same time. She is my daughter and I will always be her daddy.
I'm lucky to have my son too. He will be turning 17 this year! He is so excited about his birthday and about becoming a man. It thrills me to spend time with him and watch him with his still-childlike exuberance balanced on the edge of a man-like seriousness. He's always been the one who never wanted to grow up. He has always loved childhood - and because of that - has instilled something his childhood into each person who knows him. But he is growing up - and the fact that he is looking forward to the independence that comes with age will attest to that. He still takes life a day at a time. He still doesn't take too many things too seriously. And he still loves to laugh, tease, instigate, joke and play - just as much as he did when he was two! I look forward to any opportunity to be with him and to watch his mind work, and to see him shape his own personality, his own humor and his love of others, into the man that he is becoming. He is my son - and he lovingly calls me Dad.
I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to let me go and grow into the man I am becoming. My wife and I are still on our parallel journey. We are separated in many ways - yet also inextricably linked as parents, partners and friends forever. Our path is not completely smooth but neither is it unbearably rocky. Our challenges constantly change as we both become more and more independent - not unlike our children! We continue to make new friends and meet new people - all of whom come secondary to our family but some of whom get introduced to our family - and become friends of us all. We do tend to move quite slowly when it comes to introducing new people to our kids. We don't want to make the same mistake we did a few years ago when we introduced a man named Christopher, whom we thought was a friend, but who turned out instead, to be a fraud and an opportunist - looking for other people he could pull into his life to supply him with love, affection and intimacy to make up for what is lacking in himself. But like so much other garbage in our lives - we put that, and him, behind us and my wife and I are moving forward. Our love and our commitment to each other and to our children continue to hold strong. We continue to try and find time to connect - even for the briefest of moments at times - just to find out how the other is doing - and if either needs something. It is almost like a dance - to a slow and unfamiliar tune. We may not know all the steps, but we know each other - and that closeness allows us to dance right on through to the end. Our moments together should be treated like gold. When we forget that - we have each other and our children to remind us.
I'm lucky to have a partner who feels as lucky to have me as I am to have him. There is so much to be said about balance being one of the keys to fulfillment. For the first time in a long time, I feel balanced. It isn't so much about equality - because we are not always equal - but it is about finding equilibrium, coming to the center - and maintaining a healthy balance. My partner has been able to reflect back to me a man I've never seen before. He also shows me in himself, a person capable of deep love, deep spirituality, unearned trust and undeserved forgiveness. No matter where we are - the connection is felt. No matter how independent our thoughts, feelings, wants, dreams, desires or actions - we consider and "feel" the other. And through that connection - we are able to maintain our independence and not sacrifice our respect and commitment to each other. I can put pages and pages of words down on paper or on the computer screen - but the words will never adequately describe the truly unique and special bond I have with him.
So you see - these days - I am living a blessed life. Perhaps it has always been so and I just couldn't see it because of some dark events of the past. But I know that each day I try to live for that day and those moments. I try to look over the horizon into tomorrow and build hopes and dreams there. I try to make sure that each time I place my foot on the earth - I am pointing it in the direction of those hopes and those dreams. I try to spend less and less time peering over my shoulder and fearing the demons of childhood. Like for my children and for all children - there is a time to grow up and to put childish things away. My time is now - and it is a most blessed time.
May your days be filled with blessings; even when the sky is dark and the ground is trembling... blessings are on the way!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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