Ah yes... a new year and all the promise and excitement that holds in our imaginations! What will this year bring? What will we do with our time this year? Will we finally make the time to do that thing we have been thinking about for years... Only you know the answers to those questions for yourself.
As for me, it is strange that I even ask the questions. I've always been a "today" kinda guy. For many, many reasons I have never spent a lot of time thinking about my past. Although, for a long time, my past did seem to consume way too much of my present! On the other side of things - I could never grasp the concept of "seeing" a future. Even now it is strange for me.
I've often been to seminars, meetings or simply in discussion with friends where I was asked to tell or write about where I see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I HATED that! I could never come up with anything. All I could say was "I don't know" and the truth be told - I really didn't. No one knows for sure where they will be in the coming years - or if they will even be around. But that was never the point! I'm beginning to understand that the point was to allow ourselves to dream of a future. That was something I could never do. I always saw myself in the same spot - doing the same job, living in the same place, driving the same vehicle, hanging with the same people and following the same routine. Not that any of that was bad or wrong - but I was so tightly tied to the present (and control issues) that I wouldn't allow things to become fluid and actually allow for "unknown" change in my vision.
That is starting to change for me now. I'm starting to loosen up as I realize control is just an illusion. I'm starting to live with more purpose and with less fear, and a few days ago I realized that my bf had a lot to do bringing about this change in me.
I won't go into all the ways he has helped me to be calm, to feel safe and to learn trust. Many of those things are very subtle and they are too many to name... But I managed to put some of my feelings into words in a poem I wrote for him yesterday. Yesterday also happened to be my mother's birthday. She passed away in 2001 and she also represented a huge "control" issue for me in my life. So as I continue to let go of some of my issues regarding control, fear and distrust, perhaps I am also saying goodbye to some negative feelings and energy.
So today, I send my mother a kiss and a wish for a happy birthday as I remember the good things in her - and hope that wherever she is - her spirit is blessed.
To my bf - I give this poem and I thank him for helping me dream of a future, my future, our future.
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My Time Traveler
Today I looked at myself
And saw a man I didn’t recognize
I found someone stronger
And more self assured
Than the last time I looked
Someone happier
And more whole
And I thought to myself
Why
Where did he come from
What has happened to me
And I realized
It was you
You happened to me
And you have touched
Every part of me
Like a time traveler
You have moved from the now
Into all parts of my life
You have not only changed my today
But my tomorrow
And surprisingly – my yesterday
No longer is the future so terribly foggy
And today when I looked at my past
The days were not as dark
Nor as hideous
It’s not that the past has changed
But those days no longer hold me
No longer sink fangs into my skin
And catch my every breath
You have changed
Every part of me
What a gift God has given you
To be able to impact time
To have the ability to brighten the future
And calm the turbulent past
What a gift from God
That I now have you in my life
A spirit that travels the same path as I
A soul that understands hurt and pain
A hand that soothes and a word that heals
How blessed are we to have each other
And to have honesty and integrity
You reflect back to me the man I want to be
The man I hope I am
Like a mirror that casts
The light of time across
Every part of me
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WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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