01/30/2006 - MONDAY MONDAY...

Well January 2006 is almost gone! WOW - it's been a whirlwind month. By all rights I should not be feeling so good today - having just gotten over a cold and only getting 4 hours of sleep last night. Also dealing with some difficult projects at work and business meetings and conference calls - to which I like to joke, I'm allergic! But, it was just one of those positive and high-energy days and nothing could get me down. My spirit has been soaring all day and I managed to get quite a bit accomplished. I'm feeling better after the cold and the rest of my family and loved-ones are all happy and healthy!

That's not to say my feathers didn't get ruffled a bit - especially when I got the news that a whole new batch of former church members are now phoning around gossiping about how they heard a rumor that I was living a "homosexual lifestyle". Apparently this was a topic of discussion at the pastor's home where church was held this past Sunday. It seems that at some time after church, calls were relayed across the metroplex to people I haven't had any contact with in over 5 years, trying to find out if anyone knew or could validate the rumor! I guess my question would be "What exactly is a 'homosexual lifestyle'?"

I mean seriously! I've always had a problem with labels being used to define people, so this didn't sit too well with me on that count. But this also had me chuckling and shaking my head as I pictured these poor unfulfilled people scattering and burning up the phone lines trying to find some threads of truth about my life - no, make that "lifestyle"! What on earth do these folks do with their time? What kind of life allows one to sit in church and discuss someone elses life, AND in sexual terms, and then causes them to take action to involve as many people as they can to try and get to the "truth" - which of course they can't get to without going to the source - which would be my family and I. Finally, a call was placed to some friends of ours who did contact my wife to offer support and apologize for what they called "the gossip". Even though these friends have yet to talk to me - I applaud them for at least calling my wife and letting her know what was going on.

As for the gossip, if I try to make a comparison, I try to imagine me discussing some of them and asking if it is true they are living a hetersexual lifestyle, or in the case of some, an asexual lifestyle. "Could it be true - she ain't gettin' any?" I simply can't imagine that subject being discussed in the church I used to attend. I can't imagine anyone putting up with that. In some ways it is sad. In some ways it is comical, and still in other ways, it is disturbing. These are your "christian" leaders in the community! I just have to say "no thanks!" I'll stick with God and with a deep spirituality and sense of love and integrity as taught by Jesus. I don't have much use for cowards, hypocrites and glass-housed finger pointers. They are the ones giving christians a bad name.

Last year, after my pastor and his wife called my wife over to their house to "out" me to her and to offer her their support, I dealt with my initial reaction and went back to church. I was still the same me, the same man they had always known, but now, some of them knew a little bit more. Since I was not ashamed of my life, it was rather easy for me to continue going. But once the pastor's wife stopped making eye contact and avoiding me without ever saying a word to me about the whole matter, and went to my wife accusing me of avoiding her - I figured it was way too much trouble for her to deal with. Add to that, the fact that my best friends (the pastor and his wife) decided not to discuss the "issues" with me but to talk about me with others instead, and I decided not to return to that church. Once again, these are the people that others in the church look to for leadership. What example is being set?

If you have read this far, you might have forgotten that today, Monday, was a really GOOD day for me. It really was. I've long since dealt with the break-down of past relationships based on the inability of others to face me or deal directly with me. Some send their love to me via my wife. Others act as if I've fallen off the face of the planet. That for the most part is behind me. So the "stirring" today has caused me to think, to ponder, to laugh and to walk through my thoughts and feelings again - but it was also very self-affirming. I found I was rather surprised by my emotional reaction. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hurt. I was just a bit agitated in a pebble-in-the-shoe kind of way. But mostly I laughed at the ridiculous nature of the people whose names were given to me today - the names of those who are all "caught-up" in my "lifestyle" rumor! And the fact that I didn't feel angry or hurt helped me to see that I have grown. I feel that I am learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. So much of what has happened to me, my feelings, my relationships, my choices, etc. is still a bit new to me. I'm still adjusting. My wife and kids are still adjusting. And best of all - even if no one else ever came around to offer support - we have each other. We are still and always will be, a family. I love them. They love me. And I'm learning a little more each day to love me too.

Monday was a good day...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw