I'm in a weird mood today - so who knows what this blog will reveal! Maybe it's because I'm tired. The weekend was a busy one as I volunteered to work a vendor booth and also work security at the IGRA (International Gay Rodeo Association) National Finals, held in Mesquite, Texas this past weekend. My bf and I both volunteered and had to be there early in the morning. By Sunday evening we were just completely worn out. We stopped for dinner with friends on our way home and then got to his place and just crashed...
All in all it was a wonderful weekend though. We got to see some dear friends and meet some new people too. I was able to take some pictures of the rodeo and hopefully some of those will turn out good enough to include in my portfolio.
Also, on Thursday, my bf and I celebrated the one-year anniversary of our first face-to-face meeting (we really didn't consider it a date - we just attended the same movie with a group of people). That was a spectacular milestone for us. I'm proud of him and of myself in a small way - for sticking together and communicating with each other through the hard times. He's really an amazing man!
I guess that is what got my mind wandering as I drove in to work today. I thought about how wonderful he is and how much he says, and shows me he loves me. Then I thought about why I find that so incredible, and actually, very hard to believe. I think it goes back to my being raised to think I would never amount to anything - and therefore - never be loveable. On the conscious level - I don't think I ever bought into that. But at some deeper levels - I think I'm conditioned to believe it even today. That is something about myself I want to change.
I started thinking about why, when it appears I have everything I will ever need to bring me happiness and fulfillment, I feel the need to search for something else, or something more. Why can I not accept things as "good" and let them be? Why do I have to have these nagging little thoughts that tell me "it's too good to be true"? Can't it just be true?
I get the feeling that the something else I'm searching for is actually something inside of me - or maybe missing from inside of me. I've worried in the past that I will never really be able to love someone, simply because I don't think I was ever taught what love is, and how love (healthy love) is supposed to look. I'm thoroughly convinced that I can make others "feel" loved. I can even convince myself that I "love" that other person. But - there is still the nagging question in my brain, asking "Is it real? Are you sure? Could you just be fibbing to yourself and to the other person - and then believing your own lie?" This turns into absolute torture for me as I doubt myself, my own intentions, my own feelings and those of everyone around me.
If it is torture for me - imagine what it is like for the people whom I profess to love - when they become aware of my questions, my insecurities, my distrust of myself and of them.
That's why I can tell you that my bf is an amazing man. He knows these "bad" things about me. He even understands a little bit about why I have such doubts. He knows my demons - and also knows that they are not "me". Yes, they are a part of me. They are a part of my experience, but they do not equal me as a person. He knows, and tells me, that I am much larger than those demons, much better and kinder in spirit, and much stronger - so that one day, I will recognize them and overcome them.
So what am I searching for? What are so many of us in the world out there searching for? Perhaps it is the day, or the moment, when we can recognize our own strength, and our own goodness, and then be able to apply that recognition to our new experience of life and finally put away our self-doubts and truly love ourselves, and all of those who are around us, without ever wondering if it is "real". Because then, it will be!
To my hero, my partner, my better-half and soulmate - thank you for making my life "real"!
Peace to your spirits, your searching souls.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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