As the Sunday afternoon shadows grow longer and the weekend comes to a close, I reflect on the steps of my life that brought me here, to this moment, right now.
I could judge and blame myself, or others - but in truth, our lives are made up of a strange fabric, interwoven with all of our experiences collectively. There is nothing that has happened to you, that does not in some remote, unknown way, effect me. The reverse is also true.
So, while the current moment is not one in which I feel like singing and dancing, I do feel a sense of calm beneath it all, for knowing that I made the right decision at the start.
Love in it's purest form cannot be manufactured in yourself or in others. It is either present or it is not. When two people come together in that love - it can be bliss. But when one of two holds on to a secret, that their love, like the image they show to the world, is false, worlds begin to crumble. Pulling yourself from the wreckage of that broken world - and at the same time trying to stop the blood from gushing out of heart ripped apart... is at times, too much to take.
I'm climbing out of the rubble. I'm holding my heart close to me. I'm protecting what I have right now - so that I can stand stronger each day. Part of what gives me strength is knowing that out there, in a place I have not yet discovered, is the true love, the pure love that is meant for me. A love to match my own, and a life that has no need, nor room for lies.
Until I come across that love - I will continue to encourage myself and look to true friends for any help I may need along the way. And when someone with a secret shows up on my doorstep once again, I will be better prepared to recognize their true self and send them on their way.
The words of this song reflect the path I have been on for 5 1/2 years. But in this moment, right now, I have turned my life around and I look into the sun. Bright days are ahead...
Rehab...
Songwriters: Lane, Hannon; Timberlake, Justin; Mosley, Timothy;
Performed by: Rihanna
Baby baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept (?)
You'd do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know it's not meant to be
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
'Cause now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Now ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
My ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Oh! You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
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