10/25/2009 - A MANIFESTO: PASS IT ON...

I believe John Spong, a straight, retired bishop from Newark, NJ, is an excellent example of a theologian who "gets it". I have served as an ordained deacon in my own church and have been a part of religious debates and witch-hunts as well as seen the bible used to twist words and to twist the minds of people and turn them against others. I had come to the same conclusion as Mr. Spong a few years ago. I will no longer participate! Those churches and people who do not follow or teach the ALL INCLUSIVE love of Christ - have no place in this world or in my life. Please read this letter from Bishop Spong and pass it on to everyone on your contact list.

A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!
I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant." I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement. I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves. I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one.

I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged.

In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer.

I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude. I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population. I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable.

I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces. We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women? The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite.

I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote.

The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon.

I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union. I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people.

Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever.

This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.

– John Shelby Spong

PASS IT ON...

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/02/2009 - MOVING FORWARD...

It's odd, but I was thinking the other day as I pondered my upbringing and life with my mom and dad and brother - and I came to the conclusion that they have had a profound impact on my life - but not necessarily a very positive one. I came away with this thought...

I've never come across a mountain laying across the path in front of me that I haven't been able to cross or find my way around, but it's always the valleys behind me that keep dragging me down.

There's something profound in those words. And pondering this one thought further - and discussing it with my partner and lifemate - it has led me to another thought...

I must live my life going forward from this point with new eyes... wide open

To Al - I love you Al-ways!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

02/17/2009 - THE JOY AND THE PAIN...

Judging from this blog, it may seem as if my life has been uneventful as of late. Trust me – don’t let my lack of blogging deceive you! Things have been plenty busy!

I notice that my last entry was July 7, 2008. That was the day after my father’s birthday last year. I went back and glanced over my writing to get a sense of what was going on at that point last Summer. I laughed to myself a little remembering the events that led to me writing that blog. I also thought it a little odd that I never even mentioned my dad’s birthday. But then again – maybe it was just an indicator of things to come…

THE JOY
Like I already mentioned, a LOT has gone on since July 7 of last year. I’m just coming off of a WONDERFUL Valentine’s weekend that was preceded by an INCREDIBLE birthday “Season”! It almost seemed like Christmas was extended because Al’s birthday came almost immediately after New Year and then my birthday was right around the corner! And in the meantime we found the time to take a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico! What a splendid way to begin a new year!

Last week, my daughter took me out for a “date”, just the two of us, like we used to do for Valentine’s when she was little. This was more for my birthday, and she took me out – but it was very special, and we hadn’t had time alone like that in a VERY long time. I think we will need to plan that more often.

I’ve been thinking about taking a trip with my son, just he and I, probably next year when he has some time off from school. I did that with my daughter when we went to New York during her Senior year in high school, but he never really got a trip like that. Next year there are no kids graduating so money should be easier to save, and I think he would enjoy a trip where it’s more about him!

Some other things that have happened since last July…well one of the biggest is that my divorce was finally settled and finalized! WOO HOO! I’d like to say it was a completely amicable event from start to finish – but I’ll just say that the divorce ended in a better place than it started. I’m glad to have that part of my life behind me and I look forward to focusing on building a brighter future with Al.

THE PAIN
But even in paradise, not everything is perfect all the time. I’d like to say that every aspect of my life is rosy and now that I’m out of a marriage that was unhealthy and unfulfilling, the universe has re-aligned and hate and bigotry, ignorance and intolerance have just melted away – but if I said that, you would probably have me locked up – and heavily medicated!

The element of this that hits me closest to home is my father. When he came down for my son’s graduation in 2007, he acted like a complete ass. This is no different than the man I’ve known him to be my entire life. But now his “assness” seemed to have more focus – more purpose. He let me know ahead of time he did not want any part of my “other” life and when he got here, he acted like Al did not exist and made it a very public point to pay for my ex-wife’s meals and for my kids – but not for mine or Al’s. I never said a word, but let his behavior speak for itself. Since then, he’s written me Christmas and Birthday cards and aside from tons of junk email, sent me maybe 2 emails in almost 2 years, and mentioned that he doesn’t hear from me often. At the risk of seriously going-off on the man, I’ve chosen to ignore his comment and just continue to thank him for his cards (addressed only to me) and his gifts (checks at Christmas and Birthdays).

What has irked me most is that he still tries to give me parenting advice! His last email advised me to do what’s best for my kids. As if I would do something OTHER than that? The issue I have is that HE never raised any children. He brought home a paycheck and let my mother do ALL of the child rearing. He watched television and went hunting and fishing, and IF we were to go fishing with him, we were not allowed to speak (or even whisper) because that would scare the fish. However – slaps to the head and our crying apparently had no effect on fish-fears whatsoever!

I’m very tempted to reply to his latest email and tell him that it’s not too late for him to follow his own advice. But then again, maybe it is… I have decided it is birthday and Christmas cards only for him from now on. Father’s Day cards are reserved from men who were actually Fathers – not just sperm donors and paycheck providers.

In the meantime, I’ll work on my attitude.
You work on loving everyone around you!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

07/07/2008 – FUNNY WORLD…

What a funny world we live in, filled with funny people. And by “funny” in this context, I mean “odd”.

I’ve often said “It takes all kinds”, but you know what, I’m not sure that ALL kinds are really required. I’m almost certain that there are certain kinds of folks we can do without. In fact, the world might most assuredly be a better place without some types of people. But who wants to be the one to pick who stays and who goes? Well… not me. Not yet anyway.

But that’s not really the point is it. It’s not the actual person – it’s the behavior that is really at issue. It leaves us wondering – WHY do people act like that? WHAT makes a person do that, or say that? But with some people it is hard to separate their identity from their behavior. HOW they are is so intensely related to WHO they are. And I guess that is the basis for how we relate to others. Why we like or dislike someone. We may not REALLY know them, so we judge them based on HOW they come across. That’s really an interesting thing for me to ponder.

Yesterday was the end of a long, fun, tiring holiday weekend for my partner and I. We spent four days and evenings of non-stop running around, traveling to visit friends, going to pool parties, barbecues, softball tournaments, time with family and wrapped it up with a going away party for friends who are moving out of state. When we finally got home Sunday night, unpacked the car, got the laundry going, fed the dog, checked the mail and sat down to check email, we were truly exhausted.

As I cleared my inbox I found an item in my junk-mail box that was appropriately filtered from an address I did not recognize. It was from someone (a guy I have to assume based on the contents of the email) who had been to my blog here and was commenting back to me. By the way, he did not identify himself in the email, but rather, chose to remain anonymous. What was even more odd, is that his translation of what he read in my blog was almost unrecognizable. In addition to taking what I wrote way out of context, this person proceeded to relate to me that he had “been with me” in the past and also with my partner under very “questionable” circumstances. The entire tone was “I’m letting you know I’ve been with you both without the other one knowing… and guess what – this is what we did!”

Now, I’ve encountered people in the past who, for some reason, make it their objective to bust up relationships, for whatever reason. I can’t say I understand it, and I didn’t used to believe it. In fact I used to have an acquaintance who I spoke with on a regular basis both before I was partnered and after, who I was later warned, had tried to break up three other couples I know. I kind of just brushed off this warning as a misunderstanding, but then I heard it again, and again – with pretty concrete examples of what the guy would do. So, for whatever reason, there are people who do this sort of thing. So when I read the email, I just replied back that I have no idea who he is, I seriously doubt that either one of us had been with him and if either had – certainly NOT under the circumstance he described. And then I let it go. I didn’t even bother my partner with it. I knew he was tired and we would talk about it later anyway.

What I didn’t know was that my partner also received an email from this guy – with pretty much the same intentions, but with a different story line. In the note to my partner, there’s no mention of him ever meeting my partner. Instead, he states he met me and then describes things that, if he really knew me, he would know would NEVER have occurred. So my partner asks me if I recognized this email address, and I tell him yes and then I read him the one I received and my reply back. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed because we figured here’s another one of THOSE people; someone who, for some reason, is trying to cause trouble for others. Luckily for us, we don’t get caught up in other people’s drama, and we don’t let them lead us around with their stories - especially some chicken-shit who sends an anonymous email. What is up with that?

So, whether it’s some cheesy sleaze who has nothing better to do than hide behind his anonymous email and make up stories, or some vertically-challenged low class horn-dog from the past with a history of cheating on his partner who messages my partner with the story of how he and I first met, hoping desperately and in vain, for an invitation to our bed, my partner and I have the type of relationship and communication that allows us to smile at this funny world, with all it’s beauty, comedy, and yes, even the oddities, because we know our love is stronger when we are together.

May you also find strength in honesty and love

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/25/2008 – HOLLOWED & BURNED...

My blog today was intended to be something vastly different. Something much lighter but still meaningful to me. Now that will have to wait. Because my mind, heart and very core have been turned and torn in a totally different direction. As I sat here at work getting ready to take lunch at my desk, I thought I’d look at the news online and my eyes caught the headline “Court rejects death penalty for raping children”. Now, I don’t know where you fall in your beliefs about the death penalty, but I believe there are situations that warrant it. Child rape by an adult is one of those situations. Of course I read the article. I can’t say it was a mistake because I want to be an informed person, even about things I find disdainful. It’s just that this issue affects me to my very core, and stirs up in me things I don’t want stirred up. Once again I felt like a child with no voice, trying to scream… and now the supreme court is speaking for me, saying what? It’s not THAT bad? I guess that’s what I got out of the article. Unless the perpetrator kills me – they don’t deserve to die for their crime. I don’t think the supreme court understands child rape or what it means to die… emotionally and spiritually, over and over again. They can’t possibly understand. Well I guess some of them did. The vote was 5 to 4.

"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.

Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.

So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.

I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.

I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.

I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.

I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.

Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - WHY AM I HERE...

Do you ever wake up, or pause in your day, and just wonder why you are where you are in your life? I do. I don’t know if I do it a lot, but I do it, every now and then. It’s not so much that I wonder how I got where I am, although that’s a part of the thought process for sure, but it’s mainly why. Why am I here, in this place, with this job, this partner, at this time in my life? Why?

Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.

Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.

I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.

If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.

Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.

And I continue hacking through the weeds…

Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.

So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.

I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.

Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.

There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.

Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - ON HEROES...

Just a quick scribble. In reading a magazine recently, I came across a quote by an actor I rather admire. He's not considered the "Hollywood Hottie" - but that flavor seems to change weekly. He's just a very good actor who seems to have staying power - and someone with whom I have always felt sort of a kinship without ever really knowing why. After reading the quote, maybe I have a better sense of why. This man comes across as a very deep, very real and very spiritual person. I like that. I identify with that. So... here's his quote. I hope you find something in it for yourself as well.

When asked to name a real life hero, the actor responded...

"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” - John Cusack

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/13/2008 – TIME TO BREATHE…

It seems that for some time now, I have been holding my breath. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought I would do that and time would stand still. Maybe I was thinking I could preserve some of what I had in my life if I just held my breath long enough. But, long enough for what? I’m not completely sure. The closest thing I can relate this to is when I was a small boy, I used to think that old people were trying to poison me. So, whenever I passed old people on the street or in shops in town, I would hold my breath until they were well past me. Sometimes this was rather difficult if I came upon a large group of them – but somehow I managed not to pass out! And so lately, it has seemed like that again. Like I had been holding my breath. Waiting for something bad to pass. And now, having reached a settlement agreement on my divorce during mediation… it seems like the right time to take a breath of air again. Fresh air.

In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.

Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.

So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.

I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.

2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw