You have probably figured out by now that I did not ever get to the "Late Edition" on Monday - but that's ok - I just didn't have the energy for another loooong topic... So I just blew it off!
Today is a special day for me. It is my 21st wedding anniversary - and that in itself is quite an accomplishment - but under the circumstances that exist in my life - it seems even more extraordinary. It certainly causes me to pause, and to reflect on where I am today in my marital relationship as well as other relationships.
I have so many truly special people in my life, and though each one is different, they are all just as deeply special. My children are special for many obvious reasons, and for other reasons that may not be quite so apparent. They are both loving, caring and accepting people. My daughter is more of an adult now than a child - yet I still see and experience the child in her. It is that child that more quickly brings laughter to her face and mine. I worry a bit that she may grow up to be too serious of an adult. I hope that she finds a way to balance maturity, responsibilty and child-like fun and enthusiasm into her life and lifestyle. My son is growing into a man - but always with trepidation. It's not that he doesn't want to grow up - because he does. He just doesn't want to rush it. His sense of "time" in the world is uncanny. At his age I lived like time was endless, invisible and abundant. My son senses the impermanence of things, and of life - and for that reason I think he has a much richer experience of what it means to be alive. I have much to learn from him.
I have friends in my life too. Some are distant and I haven't seen them in some time. Some I have never met in person - only through the internet - yet a friendship has formed that allows us to talk about things so deeply personal and allows us to reach out to each other in need. Friends like that are not many in number - but having even 3 or 4 is a lot! I have some friends who live locally. Some of them have known me before I went through the changes associated with my self-discovery. One married couple whom I consider real, true friends, seem to struggle with knowing how to deal with me now. I've seen them a number of times since coming out - and for the most part - things seem the same. But there is an underlying current of awkwardness that I'm not sure I can do anything about. It's as if they are waiting for me to make the first move, or every move when it comes to spending time together. And I guess I'm waiting for them to approach me - so that I can be sure I don't cause them to feel awkward. I'm sure in time all will work itself out.
I have a boyfriend who I am continuously getting to know better. And, he is getting to know more about me. I'm guessing that sometimes we may not like what we learn - but we appreciate learning even that. He is a man, just like all men, with a past. His past and his present contain all the ingredients of life - including pain and personal challenges. In dealing with him through issues related to such pain and challenge - I'm able to get closer and love him more deeply - more completely. And in doing that I have learned more about myself and about my other relationships. At my age - I'm learning more and more about my own limitations and my own challenges in relationships. I know now that it is a challenge to be my friend, and even more of a challenge to be my lover. For years I did not "get" this. I wasn't in a place where I could really "hear" it. I had so much of myself "locked away" from me. I just didn't have access. And while I could be really sad about that, and pine and complain about the time I have wasted for myself and for those who love me - I won't. I accept that I still have a lot of learning to do - a lot of self yet to be discovered, and I forgive myself for not being better sooner. But knowing these things about myself helps me to appreciate those around me even more. Particularly those closest to me. I know now that those who choose to walk with me for more than a day - are people who have consciously chosen not to take the easy road. I'm blessed by their choices. I need to remember to always let them know I am thankful.
Then there is my wife... there isn't enough time or space or even enough words to write everything my heart and soul feel for her. Today we celebrate 21 years of marriage and nearly 24 years of being together. Wow - almost a quarter century - yet that does not make me feel old. Instead, I feel lucky. I have no regrets about our marriage, our life together and our creation and raising of a family. Should I have done some things differently? Sure, and I would if I could. I would have been kinder with my words when I got edgy. I would have been much more of a listener and less of an authority. I would have been less arrogant and less pushy with my opinions and more open minded to the qualities of meekness and humbleness. I would have been more confident in myself and therefore less stressed by the pressures of life. I would have taught my children to settle conflict with love and understanding rather than with loud voices and venom. But hey... even though I can't go back and undo the things I want to correct - I have the opportunity to correct them now. And that is what I am trying to do each day now.
My wife and I are closer friends now than we have been in a long time, possibly ever. It feels good and right for it to be that way - now that we need each other more than ever. I'm learning to let myself "need" others now and that helps her too.
So today is a good day - a good anniversary and a good milestone in my life. I feel blessed by my current relationships and I know that I am a truly lucky man. When days are dark and my past pains creep in on me - I have people to whom I can turn. I pray to God for the strength to make that turn and to let them in.
To all of you - my gratitude and my love!
Woof ya later!
- bbw
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