Here it is, Thursday - but it's kinda like a Friday already. At least for me. I'm taking tomorrow off from work - or working from home for a bit maybe - but I also want to try and have a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday to get some of the JUNK out of my house and garage! So while I won't be relaxing - I will be productive!
I was thinking on my way driving in to work this morning (a sentence you will hear or read over and over I'm sure...) mostly because that is the best time for me to just think. It's quiet (for the most part) and there are few distractions (if you don't count idiot drivers!). But I realized this morning that I have spent a good part of the past two or three years turned inwards. I've been caught up in self-discovery, self-healing and yes... self-pity for a good number of months! While I'm not apologizing for it - because I think I've been doing a lot of what I needed to be doing - I still think that things could have been handled differently, or better, for those around me. And in realizing that - I think, hope and pray that I can make some changes that lead me to reach out more to those around me whom I love, cherish and need.
I've always been one to reach out - but more in a "robotic" or "automatic" kind of way. I was programmed to be like that since I was a baby. I was raised a "pleaser" - some of you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Somehow I was programmed to believe that my existence was predominantly geared to be of use, service, amusement and pleasure for others. EVEN THOUGH I would never be "good enough" - I was still expected to do my best to fill those roles. And boy did I buy into it! This is not a totally bad thing, mind you. I enjoy helping others, and doing for others. My mistake was doing that at my own expense, and thus, at the expense of others too. It led me to living an unfulfilled life of constantly giving and living merely off of the praise and thank you's that I received in return. I felt that if I volunteered here, or helped there - then I was fulfilling my purpose in life. Truth is - it was really more about fulfilling someone else's needs - and ignoring my purpose altogether.
So what is my purpose? I had never thought much about that. I thought it was to be a husband, and a father. I honestly thought that if I succeeded at that - my purpose would be fulfilled - but my spirit cried out for more. I will never diminish what it means to me to be a husband or a father. I don't think I will ever accomplish anything in my life that brings me more joy and pride than those two things. But I am of the mindset now that I cannot just define myself by my relationships to other people. I need to know who I am as an individual. Not as a husband. Not as a father. Not even as a lover or a friend or an employee... Who am I as a man? AND - what is it that I want to accomplish in this life as that man? Well - I don't have a lot of answers - but one thing I do know is that I want to live with intention.
I don't want to spend another second just letting time pass me by. I don't want to "get through" the day, or live "for the weekend". I want each day to count for something. I want each second and minute of each day to have a purpose and a direction. Even if that time span is set aside to do nothing more than sitting quietly, and listening or reflecting - to recharge my body, my mind or my soul - I need those things too.
I used to dread when someone asked me "where do you see yourself five years from now?" because my honest response was "I don't know". I had no concept of what life or I would be like then. I had no capacity or reference to be able to look into the future and see what I wanted it to be like. I brushed off such questions as "ridiculous" simply because I could not fathom myself ever really having a plan. I think that had a lot to do with being cut off from a significant amount of my past. All I REALLY had was now. That's what I needed to concentrate on - surviving the now!
Well - I'm hoping those days are behind me. Yes, I know I will "backslide" now and then and fall into some lazy habits. But I'm also listening more to the encouragement of others and to the callings within my own spirit. I am starting to build an image in my mind of my future. Will it look exactly like that when I arrive? I doubt it! But I will be in the vicinity - and if I change my mind and my direction along the way - I'm allowing that to be ok too, because it is done with intention - and with a plan in mind. No longer do I want to be a dandelion umbrella seed blowing in the breeze, taking whatever I get and making "lemonade". I want to create things - photographs, paintings, memories and most importantly - I want to create a life that has meaning, is fulfilling to me and brings joy to others.
My first step is to spend less time "inside" of me and more time reaching out with love, compassion and yes, even my own "needs" and allowing those around me to love me and to participate in this life with me. That is a great challenge for me - but hey, I'm up for a challenge!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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