Tuesdays right now are very busy days for me. I attend all day work-sessions that usually last until 6:00pm or later. I thought about blowing off the blog today but it is only 5:00pm and I thought I'd take just a moment to check in.
Well - as was feared, Hurricane Katrina caused a lot of damage and took several lives - I haven't even seen a stable estimate yet of the number of deaths related to the storm. But whether the number is 1 or 100 - we should take a moment to think about and pray for the friends and loved ones who now have to figure out how to adjust to a life without them. Pray also for peace and comfort for all that have lost property and the necessities like electricity and clean water that we enjoy and so often take for granted.
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I heard from my friend James today. It was excellent timing because I was beginning to wonder and almost worry about him. He was nowhere near the gulf coast (to my knowledge) but since returning from China I had only heard from him twice. This is unusual for James. I thought on my drive in from work this morning that I might have to call his mother to see if she had heard from him! But when he called, I found out today that he is still in San Francisco getting over a bronchial infection of sorts. His plans are to return to Alaska in the next day or two and then off to explore colleges! I'm so proud of him!
I have a planned "family night" tonight with my wife and kids so I'm gonna make this real short and head home. I got my inbox cleared for the day and feel pretty caught up on things at the office.
I hope everyone's week is off to a good start and then just keeps getting better!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
08/29/2005 - COUNTING BLESSINGS...
Good morning bloggers... It is Monday and almost the end of August. Hurricane Katrina just hit New Orleans and is Headed to Mobile and points East. Even though it has been downgraded from a Category 5 down to around a 3 - it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of many states, cities, towns and individual lives.
Yesterday I spoke with friends who had plans to go to NOLA next week. They were anxiously watching the news and weather reports as things were shaping up to be pretty disastrous to the gulf regions in the path of the storm. Of course the media tends to make things as dramatic as possible - but you still have to wonder how close to reality they are at times. Times like these. I felt bad for my friends who seemed almost certain to have a change in plans - and the trip was a birthday present too. Yesterday, I felt bad. Today - I feel a bit different.
Today I feel lucky to not live in New Orleans or the countless other places not mentioned in the news, but which are nonetheless destined for change due to the terrible impact of Katrina. Today I feel glad that my friends are here in Dallas rather than already in Louisiana having to worry about their own safety. Today I feel my heart sink as I think about those poor people huddled in the Superdome, with rain leaking and pouring into the dimly lit, un-airconditioned space. Just the thought is sickening. How much worse is it to actually be there - crowded in among the cities poor, feeble and homeless. I'm sure there are no words to describe what it is like to bear the heat, the smell and the sounds of scared, weary but restless crowd. Today I feel lucky and thankful that I am safe and that my loved-ones and friends are safe too.
I have some friends in New Orleans too. Friends with whom I have not been able to get in touch yet. Today I think of them. I wonder if they are ok. I pray that they are and feel in my heart that they will make it through intact. Still I wonder, and I pray.
For me - today is set aside for praying and being thankful.
Please join me - and pray...
Blessings,
- bbw
Yesterday I spoke with friends who had plans to go to NOLA next week. They were anxiously watching the news and weather reports as things were shaping up to be pretty disastrous to the gulf regions in the path of the storm. Of course the media tends to make things as dramatic as possible - but you still have to wonder how close to reality they are at times. Times like these. I felt bad for my friends who seemed almost certain to have a change in plans - and the trip was a birthday present too. Yesterday, I felt bad. Today - I feel a bit different.
Today I feel lucky to not live in New Orleans or the countless other places not mentioned in the news, but which are nonetheless destined for change due to the terrible impact of Katrina. Today I feel glad that my friends are here in Dallas rather than already in Louisiana having to worry about their own safety. Today I feel my heart sink as I think about those poor people huddled in the Superdome, with rain leaking and pouring into the dimly lit, un-airconditioned space. Just the thought is sickening. How much worse is it to actually be there - crowded in among the cities poor, feeble and homeless. I'm sure there are no words to describe what it is like to bear the heat, the smell and the sounds of scared, weary but restless crowd. Today I feel lucky and thankful that I am safe and that my loved-ones and friends are safe too.
I have some friends in New Orleans too. Friends with whom I have not been able to get in touch yet. Today I think of them. I wonder if they are ok. I pray that they are and feel in my heart that they will make it through intact. Still I wonder, and I pray.
For me - today is set aside for praying and being thankful.
Please join me - and pray...
Blessings,
- bbw
Friday, August 26, 2005
08/26/2005 - HOT TEXAS DAYS...
Yes, It's been rather hot here in Texas lately. But I'm not complaining (not much anyway) because I can usually be found in the A/C. Amazing thing, air conditioning... I have often said that I could not live without it - and yet I know that for eons, people did live without it. I suppose I really mean I don't want to live without it - EVER! And not just the cool air - but also the warm air in winter. To those of you who have only heard of Texas but never been here - it DOES get cold. Not that we have spectacular winters or anything like that. We usually have the occasional ice storm, freezing rain and ever-so-rarely, something that resembles snow but is coarser and never lasts long. We also get a lot of wind. Combine freezing temperatures with wind and some sleet thrown in for fun and you can see why we might want to have a heated home, office, and car! But for today - I'm thankful for electrically cooled air! It really is best for me. Ask my wife! Often she has told others "you do NOT want him to get hot!" and she means it. There is something about an elevated body temperature that makes me a bit surly. Even just hot air hitting my face is enough to make me scowl and bitch a little (under my breath). I am not proud of the fact - but I do acknoweldge it.
Today, I'm cool. Not that I'm walking around like the Fonz in my leather jacket or anything - but my body temperature is comfortable and I'm in a good mood to boot! I guess my team-mates here in the office should consider themselves lucky huh? C'mon! I'm not THAT bad!
I am looking forward to this weekend. Not because of any specific plans but because it has been a rather hectic and draining week. Work has really picked up for me and shows no sign of slowing down. This is all good as I have not really been "challenged" at work for some time now. I'm moving into a new position with new responsibilities, new team members and new management. Good thing I'm not devastated by change - it could be overwhelming!
I've also been emotionally taxed this week as I consider what is going on in my personal life and how everyone is affected by decisions I and they make. It's a bit scary when you start really examining things you've done and decisions you have made. For examply, decisions I've made, thinking they are what is "best" for everyone - may truly not be what is best. They may just be what is easiest. Working through those kinds of issues is important, but should be handled slowly, deliberately and with great caution. I try to lean away from making assumptions and get down to basic facts. However, in terms of emotional issues - facts can be completely useless. So there - that is just a "taste" of where my mind and heart has been this week. I don't have any great secrets or revelations to announce - so for now- it is business as usual. I continue my journey one step at a time - and I still consider myself lucky that I don't have to travel alone.
Spiritually, I've also been mulling over my future direction. I love my church and the direction it is taking - but lately I've felt less and less inclined to go. I've been examining these feelings and I think that maybe I should consider "moving on" and taking what I know to be true for me spiritually - with me to another place. The people at my current church are wonderful and very loving and supportive. Several (if not all) now know about my relationship situation and have either offered their continued love and support or have said nothing at all. Still, I have felt a pull to examine other places of worship. I will need to continue examining my feelings, and along with my family and loved ones - decide what is best for the future.
So - you can see I have a LOT going on. But life is good - even when it doesn't feel peachy - it is fertile and offers MUCH room for growth! Praise God!
Please remember to listen to each other... try to understand each other... reach out to each other... forgive each other and above all - love each other!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Today, I'm cool. Not that I'm walking around like the Fonz in my leather jacket or anything - but my body temperature is comfortable and I'm in a good mood to boot! I guess my team-mates here in the office should consider themselves lucky huh? C'mon! I'm not THAT bad!
I am looking forward to this weekend. Not because of any specific plans but because it has been a rather hectic and draining week. Work has really picked up for me and shows no sign of slowing down. This is all good as I have not really been "challenged" at work for some time now. I'm moving into a new position with new responsibilities, new team members and new management. Good thing I'm not devastated by change - it could be overwhelming!
I've also been emotionally taxed this week as I consider what is going on in my personal life and how everyone is affected by decisions I and they make. It's a bit scary when you start really examining things you've done and decisions you have made. For examply, decisions I've made, thinking they are what is "best" for everyone - may truly not be what is best. They may just be what is easiest. Working through those kinds of issues is important, but should be handled slowly, deliberately and with great caution. I try to lean away from making assumptions and get down to basic facts. However, in terms of emotional issues - facts can be completely useless. So there - that is just a "taste" of where my mind and heart has been this week. I don't have any great secrets or revelations to announce - so for now- it is business as usual. I continue my journey one step at a time - and I still consider myself lucky that I don't have to travel alone.
Spiritually, I've also been mulling over my future direction. I love my church and the direction it is taking - but lately I've felt less and less inclined to go. I've been examining these feelings and I think that maybe I should consider "moving on" and taking what I know to be true for me spiritually - with me to another place. The people at my current church are wonderful and very loving and supportive. Several (if not all) now know about my relationship situation and have either offered their continued love and support or have said nothing at all. Still, I have felt a pull to examine other places of worship. I will need to continue examining my feelings, and along with my family and loved ones - decide what is best for the future.
So - you can see I have a LOT going on. But life is good - even when it doesn't feel peachy - it is fertile and offers MUCH room for growth! Praise God!
Please remember to listen to each other... try to understand each other... reach out to each other... forgive each other and above all - love each other!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
08/24/2005 - CATCHUP...
Wednesday is sometimes referred to as "Hump" day. For some this means that they've made it to the middle of the week - and everything that comes after is downhill - and coasting into the weekend! For others - "hump" day is taken as a verb... and can actually fall on any day of the week! I'll let you decide which point-of-view best fits you. :)
It is Wednesday and I realized that I haven't made a journal entry since last Thursday - almost a week. I would like to develop better discipline than that - and try to get here every day, but things are WAY too busy for that right now.
The weekend was good - and started early for me. I took Friday as a vacation day and went with friends to a local water park. The weather was great and there were no lines because all the kids were back in school!!! WOO HOO! My friends have made this an annual event but this was the first year I joined them. I think it is a great idea and will try to fit it onto my calendar next year as well.
I've been a bit overwhelmed by things lately, with my son starting back to school last week and my daughter starting college next week. I'm also still juggling family time, bf time and me time and finding there sometimes just isn't that much time! Work has really picked up so I'm working some longer hours and kicking off some new projects. This is a good thing but also completes for time!
I guess, having said that - I recognize that I've sort of un-plugged myself from some of my normal daily activities in the past week. I haven't been online much at all. I've made it to the gym but not as much as I wanted. I haven't been out to a club lately and really haven't missed it. I think I just need some time to breathe, to regenerate and to realign things in my life. I'm taking care of "chores" and trying to prioritize the things I "want" to do. Again - I notice that all of this has to fit into that thing called "time".
So now I will keep this blog short and just wish all of you a wonderful "Hump" day! I hope the remainder of your week goes well and that you make it a priority this week to catch up, center yourself, regenerate or reinvigorate your spirit and make the most of your time.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
It is Wednesday and I realized that I haven't made a journal entry since last Thursday - almost a week. I would like to develop better discipline than that - and try to get here every day, but things are WAY too busy for that right now.
The weekend was good - and started early for me. I took Friday as a vacation day and went with friends to a local water park. The weather was great and there were no lines because all the kids were back in school!!! WOO HOO! My friends have made this an annual event but this was the first year I joined them. I think it is a great idea and will try to fit it onto my calendar next year as well.
I've been a bit overwhelmed by things lately, with my son starting back to school last week and my daughter starting college next week. I'm also still juggling family time, bf time and me time and finding there sometimes just isn't that much time! Work has really picked up so I'm working some longer hours and kicking off some new projects. This is a good thing but also completes for time!
I guess, having said that - I recognize that I've sort of un-plugged myself from some of my normal daily activities in the past week. I haven't been online much at all. I've made it to the gym but not as much as I wanted. I haven't been out to a club lately and really haven't missed it. I think I just need some time to breathe, to regenerate and to realign things in my life. I'm taking care of "chores" and trying to prioritize the things I "want" to do. Again - I notice that all of this has to fit into that thing called "time".
So now I will keep this blog short and just wish all of you a wonderful "Hump" day! I hope the remainder of your week goes well and that you make it a priority this week to catch up, center yourself, regenerate or reinvigorate your spirit and make the most of your time.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
08/16/2005 - JUDGE YE NOT LEST...
Anyone hear about the nomination of Judge John G. Roberts Jr. to the Supreme Court? Anyone know much about this man? I will have to admit that I do not. I've not been following the stories about the nominees proposed to fill the Supreme Court spot vacated with the retirment of Judge Sandra Day O'Connor.
My commentary today will do nothing to enlighten you on the nature or character of Mr. Roberts - nor will it do anything to explain the process one must go through to get confirmed to sit on the Supreme Court. What really brought this whole subject up was a brief glance through the Dallas Voice over lunch yesterday.
A survey question was posed to several people and their answers provided. I do not want to assume that the interviewees are themselves gay - but because the article appears in a gay-oriented newspaper, I will assert that they become representatives of the gay community - regardless of their orientation. Why is this important? Because of the question posed and the answers some of them gave.
The question went something like this: Since Judge John Roberts has a history of helping out the gay community (cited some past case) do you trust or feel good about his nomination to the Supreme Court? This seems like an intelligent question. And some of the respondees gave what I consider intelligent responses - but there were some answers that just didn't sit well with me.
At least two of the responses posted in the paper had nothing to do with the character, legal record, or even personal feelings about Judge Roberts - instead, they centered on feelings about the man who nominated him - namely President Bush. In essence - they said they did not trust John Roberts Jr. because he was nominated by President Bush. As I read this, it was very apparent that these people, and others like them were ready to judge a book by the cover of a completely different book. And I thought to myself... why?
I have to admit that perhaps I'm a bit more bothered about this than I should be - only because I've experienced the same kind of judgment and discrimination at the hands of the "gay community". Not from everyone mind you - but enough to present a pattern. I've been chastised for not voting the Democratic Party Line and even been called "Republican" out in public, even though I've never in my life been a member of the Republican party. So I ask - is there room in the gay community for independent thinkers? How about independent political views or independent spiritual direction and religious inclinations? Is there a group of gay people that NEED everyone to pick a side? Do things have to be black or white in order for them to comprehend where everyone stands? If the answer is yes - do they not see the hypocrisy of that?
I've heard it said that the gay community (again - I don't really like to lump everyone together but I'm just illustrating what I've heard...) is the most judgmental and discriminating of others and of themselves - yet they constantly complain about others judging them. Having said that - and assuming there is some grain of truth in it - again it begs the question - "Why?" followed by "What do we want to do about it?" or "How can we change that?"
If you know anything about me - you will know that I don't care much for labeling myself or labeling others. That is very difficult to do (even for me at times) in our society that relies on such labels to figure out HOW to think about others. The labels help us to indentify how we are united or separated from others. Is that why some gays have become so label-conscious and so resistant to any label that implies ambiguity (bisexual for instance). It's as if there is some deep-seated need to pick a position and to have everyone else pick a position, a VERY clear position, and stay there. There also seems to be a lot of finger pointing at all those who have not picked a Black or White label - and that is followed with accusations of "hiding" and "denial" or out-and-out deceit!
Do I have the answers? No. But perhaps the first step to finding an answer is to understand the questions. And those may be different questions for each of us. We should look at who we are as individuals and as a community of mankind and ask ourselves how we judge others. We need to recognize what we have inside of us that makes us "require" a label for everything and everyone else in our world. Once we see our own limitations and the limitations we set on our own hearts, minds, and our very lives - then we can begin to examine them, expose them and grow beyond them. I think that only then will we find true freedom to be ourselves and to celebrate the true nature of others. I'll have to think about it - and I invite you to do the same. Try to find the walls you have created in yourself that keep you separated from those who may hold different lifestyles, different points of view, different political and/or religious values - and try find in them the true nature of humanity that is shared by us all. Then learn to open up to that humanity with a loving response rather than a judgment. It's a challege - and you are invited to try...
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
My commentary today will do nothing to enlighten you on the nature or character of Mr. Roberts - nor will it do anything to explain the process one must go through to get confirmed to sit on the Supreme Court. What really brought this whole subject up was a brief glance through the Dallas Voice over lunch yesterday.
A survey question was posed to several people and their answers provided. I do not want to assume that the interviewees are themselves gay - but because the article appears in a gay-oriented newspaper, I will assert that they become representatives of the gay community - regardless of their orientation. Why is this important? Because of the question posed and the answers some of them gave.
The question went something like this: Since Judge John Roberts has a history of helping out the gay community (cited some past case) do you trust or feel good about his nomination to the Supreme Court? This seems like an intelligent question. And some of the respondees gave what I consider intelligent responses - but there were some answers that just didn't sit well with me.
At least two of the responses posted in the paper had nothing to do with the character, legal record, or even personal feelings about Judge Roberts - instead, they centered on feelings about the man who nominated him - namely President Bush. In essence - they said they did not trust John Roberts Jr. because he was nominated by President Bush. As I read this, it was very apparent that these people, and others like them were ready to judge a book by the cover of a completely different book. And I thought to myself... why?
I have to admit that perhaps I'm a bit more bothered about this than I should be - only because I've experienced the same kind of judgment and discrimination at the hands of the "gay community". Not from everyone mind you - but enough to present a pattern. I've been chastised for not voting the Democratic Party Line and even been called "Republican" out in public, even though I've never in my life been a member of the Republican party. So I ask - is there room in the gay community for independent thinkers? How about independent political views or independent spiritual direction and religious inclinations? Is there a group of gay people that NEED everyone to pick a side? Do things have to be black or white in order for them to comprehend where everyone stands? If the answer is yes - do they not see the hypocrisy of that?
I've heard it said that the gay community (again - I don't really like to lump everyone together but I'm just illustrating what I've heard...) is the most judgmental and discriminating of others and of themselves - yet they constantly complain about others judging them. Having said that - and assuming there is some grain of truth in it - again it begs the question - "Why?" followed by "What do we want to do about it?" or "How can we change that?"
If you know anything about me - you will know that I don't care much for labeling myself or labeling others. That is very difficult to do (even for me at times) in our society that relies on such labels to figure out HOW to think about others. The labels help us to indentify how we are united or separated from others. Is that why some gays have become so label-conscious and so resistant to any label that implies ambiguity (bisexual for instance). It's as if there is some deep-seated need to pick a position and to have everyone else pick a position, a VERY clear position, and stay there. There also seems to be a lot of finger pointing at all those who have not picked a Black or White label - and that is followed with accusations of "hiding" and "denial" or out-and-out deceit!
Do I have the answers? No. But perhaps the first step to finding an answer is to understand the questions. And those may be different questions for each of us. We should look at who we are as individuals and as a community of mankind and ask ourselves how we judge others. We need to recognize what we have inside of us that makes us "require" a label for everything and everyone else in our world. Once we see our own limitations and the limitations we set on our own hearts, minds, and our very lives - then we can begin to examine them, expose them and grow beyond them. I think that only then will we find true freedom to be ourselves and to celebrate the true nature of others. I'll have to think about it - and I invite you to do the same. Try to find the walls you have created in yourself that keep you separated from those who may hold different lifestyles, different points of view, different political and/or religious values - and try find in them the true nature of humanity that is shared by us all. Then learn to open up to that humanity with a loving response rather than a judgment. It's a challege - and you are invited to try...
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Friday, August 12, 2005
08/12/2005 - WHAT COULD BE WRONG?
Actually... the answer is "nothing"! It's Friday and that's a good thing. Not only because it marks the end of the work week - but because it also launches a good portion of us into that sometimes hectic, sometimes harried, always welcomed phase of life known as "the weekend"! Please don't get me wrong - I think each day is special and that good things can and do come along at any time - but there is something just a little "special" about knowing that you can walk away from the office this afternoon and put all the bizness stuff behind you for two days! [side note: for those of you who have to work on Saturday and/or Sunday - ignore this blog - I'm NOT trying to rub it in!]I don't think I'm going to write a whole lot in here today - mostly because I don't want to spend my entire lunch hour here - but also because I'm trying to ease into weekend mode a little early! Where, when it comes to work - less is more!
I'm going to be doing some networking tonight to try and drum up some business for my photography and also for my bf's interior design business. My wife has a happy-hour planned with some friends from her office. She's excited but a little hesitant too. We usually do social things together. I'm sure she will be just fine and have a really good time.
Last weekend I went to a pool party and it was great. I would like to find another one this weekend - mainly because I've had so little time to swim this year and I love the water. I'm not going to put a lot of effort into it tho - there are so MANY things I could be doing.
Well - I'm off to grab a bite to eat and start working my way out of these shoes and into some flip-flops!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Thursday, August 11, 2005
08/11/2005 - WYSIWYG...
Remember this buzzword: WYSIWYG? (pronounced wizzeewig) which stood for What You See Is What You Get...
For some reason today that kinda sums up me feelings. I'm not sure if it is because of the overcast weather, or the humid, muggy feeling in the air outside, or simply the fact that this has been a blah week at work, but I'm worn out.
Yesterday, my 21st anniversary, was actually a good day. Perhaps I'm coming down from that and by comparison this day is just phooey... actually - as I typed that last line, it struck me! I know exactly why I'm a bit bummed... it is my work anniversary today! I've been here for 7 LONG years.
Now isn't that sad? I should be happy to have a job. I should be pleased that I was not laid-off during the countless staff reductions I've survived over the past 7 years. I should be happy that my wage is on-par with others in my field of work. I should be glad that I enjoy working with my team-members. There is so much I should be happy about and grateful for... but for some reason - all of that is buried beneath a cloud of blah today. Instead of counting my blessings today - I've been contemplating the reason I come to this job at all. Yes, I need to get paid. And yes, I need to be productive. But sitting in an all-day workshop on Tuesday - I looked around the room of "professionals" and wondered to myself - why are we all here? What are we trying to accomplish and what difference will it make in the world? What difference will it make in people's lives? Sure, we are trying to improve the nature of the way we run our corporation - and thus make the company more profitable - but who will that really impact? The shareholders. The executives. Some of the project managers. And after reviewing that list I wonder to myself how really important all that is. I don't have a good, solid answer - but the answer deep down inside feels like "not very".
I know this is part of my inner reflection to find my true self and my true calling. I don't feel that I'm called to work in this corporation for the next 7 years. I don't feel called to work for any corporation for the rest of my working career. I do feel called to be creative - to be helpful to others - to follow my passion and to inspire passion in others. So how do I get there? Well - my photography business is one way - but will it really take off? Will it really inspire me and others? I don't know, and today, I don't have the energy to search too deeply for an answer.
So, for today - WYSIWYG!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
For some reason today that kinda sums up me feelings. I'm not sure if it is because of the overcast weather, or the humid, muggy feeling in the air outside, or simply the fact that this has been a blah week at work, but I'm worn out.
Yesterday, my 21st anniversary, was actually a good day. Perhaps I'm coming down from that and by comparison this day is just phooey... actually - as I typed that last line, it struck me! I know exactly why I'm a bit bummed... it is my work anniversary today! I've been here for 7 LONG years.
Now isn't that sad? I should be happy to have a job. I should be pleased that I was not laid-off during the countless staff reductions I've survived over the past 7 years. I should be happy that my wage is on-par with others in my field of work. I should be glad that I enjoy working with my team-members. There is so much I should be happy about and grateful for... but for some reason - all of that is buried beneath a cloud of blah today. Instead of counting my blessings today - I've been contemplating the reason I come to this job at all. Yes, I need to get paid. And yes, I need to be productive. But sitting in an all-day workshop on Tuesday - I looked around the room of "professionals" and wondered to myself - why are we all here? What are we trying to accomplish and what difference will it make in the world? What difference will it make in people's lives? Sure, we are trying to improve the nature of the way we run our corporation - and thus make the company more profitable - but who will that really impact? The shareholders. The executives. Some of the project managers. And after reviewing that list I wonder to myself how really important all that is. I don't have a good, solid answer - but the answer deep down inside feels like "not very".
I know this is part of my inner reflection to find my true self and my true calling. I don't feel that I'm called to work in this corporation for the next 7 years. I don't feel called to work for any corporation for the rest of my working career. I do feel called to be creative - to be helpful to others - to follow my passion and to inspire passion in others. So how do I get there? Well - my photography business is one way - but will it really take off? Will it really inspire me and others? I don't know, and today, I don't have the energy to search too deeply for an answer.
So, for today - WYSIWYG!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
08/10/2005 - MILESTONES...
You have probably figured out by now that I did not ever get to the "Late Edition" on Monday - but that's ok - I just didn't have the energy for another loooong topic... So I just blew it off!
Today is a special day for me. It is my 21st wedding anniversary - and that in itself is quite an accomplishment - but under the circumstances that exist in my life - it seems even more extraordinary. It certainly causes me to pause, and to reflect on where I am today in my marital relationship as well as other relationships.
I have so many truly special people in my life, and though each one is different, they are all just as deeply special. My children are special for many obvious reasons, and for other reasons that may not be quite so apparent. They are both loving, caring and accepting people. My daughter is more of an adult now than a child - yet I still see and experience the child in her. It is that child that more quickly brings laughter to her face and mine. I worry a bit that she may grow up to be too serious of an adult. I hope that she finds a way to balance maturity, responsibilty and child-like fun and enthusiasm into her life and lifestyle. My son is growing into a man - but always with trepidation. It's not that he doesn't want to grow up - because he does. He just doesn't want to rush it. His sense of "time" in the world is uncanny. At his age I lived like time was endless, invisible and abundant. My son senses the impermanence of things, and of life - and for that reason I think he has a much richer experience of what it means to be alive. I have much to learn from him.
I have friends in my life too. Some are distant and I haven't seen them in some time. Some I have never met in person - only through the internet - yet a friendship has formed that allows us to talk about things so deeply personal and allows us to reach out to each other in need. Friends like that are not many in number - but having even 3 or 4 is a lot! I have some friends who live locally. Some of them have known me before I went through the changes associated with my self-discovery. One married couple whom I consider real, true friends, seem to struggle with knowing how to deal with me now. I've seen them a number of times since coming out - and for the most part - things seem the same. But there is an underlying current of awkwardness that I'm not sure I can do anything about. It's as if they are waiting for me to make the first move, or every move when it comes to spending time together. And I guess I'm waiting for them to approach me - so that I can be sure I don't cause them to feel awkward. I'm sure in time all will work itself out.
I have a boyfriend who I am continuously getting to know better. And, he is getting to know more about me. I'm guessing that sometimes we may not like what we learn - but we appreciate learning even that. He is a man, just like all men, with a past. His past and his present contain all the ingredients of life - including pain and personal challenges. In dealing with him through issues related to such pain and challenge - I'm able to get closer and love him more deeply - more completely. And in doing that I have learned more about myself and about my other relationships. At my age - I'm learning more and more about my own limitations and my own challenges in relationships. I know now that it is a challenge to be my friend, and even more of a challenge to be my lover. For years I did not "get" this. I wasn't in a place where I could really "hear" it. I had so much of myself "locked away" from me. I just didn't have access. And while I could be really sad about that, and pine and complain about the time I have wasted for myself and for those who love me - I won't. I accept that I still have a lot of learning to do - a lot of self yet to be discovered, and I forgive myself for not being better sooner. But knowing these things about myself helps me to appreciate those around me even more. Particularly those closest to me. I know now that those who choose to walk with me for more than a day - are people who have consciously chosen not to take the easy road. I'm blessed by their choices. I need to remember to always let them know I am thankful.
Then there is my wife... there isn't enough time or space or even enough words to write everything my heart and soul feel for her. Today we celebrate 21 years of marriage and nearly 24 years of being together. Wow - almost a quarter century - yet that does not make me feel old. Instead, I feel lucky. I have no regrets about our marriage, our life together and our creation and raising of a family. Should I have done some things differently? Sure, and I would if I could. I would have been kinder with my words when I got edgy. I would have been much more of a listener and less of an authority. I would have been less arrogant and less pushy with my opinions and more open minded to the qualities of meekness and humbleness. I would have been more confident in myself and therefore less stressed by the pressures of life. I would have taught my children to settle conflict with love and understanding rather than with loud voices and venom. But hey... even though I can't go back and undo the things I want to correct - I have the opportunity to correct them now. And that is what I am trying to do each day now.
My wife and I are closer friends now than we have been in a long time, possibly ever. It feels good and right for it to be that way - now that we need each other more than ever. I'm learning to let myself "need" others now and that helps her too.
So today is a good day - a good anniversary and a good milestone in my life. I feel blessed by my current relationships and I know that I am a truly lucky man. When days are dark and my past pains creep in on me - I have people to whom I can turn. I pray to God for the strength to make that turn and to let them in.
To all of you - my gratitude and my love!
Woof ya later!
- bbw
Today is a special day for me. It is my 21st wedding anniversary - and that in itself is quite an accomplishment - but under the circumstances that exist in my life - it seems even more extraordinary. It certainly causes me to pause, and to reflect on where I am today in my marital relationship as well as other relationships.
I have so many truly special people in my life, and though each one is different, they are all just as deeply special. My children are special for many obvious reasons, and for other reasons that may not be quite so apparent. They are both loving, caring and accepting people. My daughter is more of an adult now than a child - yet I still see and experience the child in her. It is that child that more quickly brings laughter to her face and mine. I worry a bit that she may grow up to be too serious of an adult. I hope that she finds a way to balance maturity, responsibilty and child-like fun and enthusiasm into her life and lifestyle. My son is growing into a man - but always with trepidation. It's not that he doesn't want to grow up - because he does. He just doesn't want to rush it. His sense of "time" in the world is uncanny. At his age I lived like time was endless, invisible and abundant. My son senses the impermanence of things, and of life - and for that reason I think he has a much richer experience of what it means to be alive. I have much to learn from him.
I have friends in my life too. Some are distant and I haven't seen them in some time. Some I have never met in person - only through the internet - yet a friendship has formed that allows us to talk about things so deeply personal and allows us to reach out to each other in need. Friends like that are not many in number - but having even 3 or 4 is a lot! I have some friends who live locally. Some of them have known me before I went through the changes associated with my self-discovery. One married couple whom I consider real, true friends, seem to struggle with knowing how to deal with me now. I've seen them a number of times since coming out - and for the most part - things seem the same. But there is an underlying current of awkwardness that I'm not sure I can do anything about. It's as if they are waiting for me to make the first move, or every move when it comes to spending time together. And I guess I'm waiting for them to approach me - so that I can be sure I don't cause them to feel awkward. I'm sure in time all will work itself out.
I have a boyfriend who I am continuously getting to know better. And, he is getting to know more about me. I'm guessing that sometimes we may not like what we learn - but we appreciate learning even that. He is a man, just like all men, with a past. His past and his present contain all the ingredients of life - including pain and personal challenges. In dealing with him through issues related to such pain and challenge - I'm able to get closer and love him more deeply - more completely. And in doing that I have learned more about myself and about my other relationships. At my age - I'm learning more and more about my own limitations and my own challenges in relationships. I know now that it is a challenge to be my friend, and even more of a challenge to be my lover. For years I did not "get" this. I wasn't in a place where I could really "hear" it. I had so much of myself "locked away" from me. I just didn't have access. And while I could be really sad about that, and pine and complain about the time I have wasted for myself and for those who love me - I won't. I accept that I still have a lot of learning to do - a lot of self yet to be discovered, and I forgive myself for not being better sooner. But knowing these things about myself helps me to appreciate those around me even more. Particularly those closest to me. I know now that those who choose to walk with me for more than a day - are people who have consciously chosen not to take the easy road. I'm blessed by their choices. I need to remember to always let them know I am thankful.
Then there is my wife... there isn't enough time or space or even enough words to write everything my heart and soul feel for her. Today we celebrate 21 years of marriage and nearly 24 years of being together. Wow - almost a quarter century - yet that does not make me feel old. Instead, I feel lucky. I have no regrets about our marriage, our life together and our creation and raising of a family. Should I have done some things differently? Sure, and I would if I could. I would have been kinder with my words when I got edgy. I would have been much more of a listener and less of an authority. I would have been less arrogant and less pushy with my opinions and more open minded to the qualities of meekness and humbleness. I would have been more confident in myself and therefore less stressed by the pressures of life. I would have taught my children to settle conflict with love and understanding rather than with loud voices and venom. But hey... even though I can't go back and undo the things I want to correct - I have the opportunity to correct them now. And that is what I am trying to do each day now.
My wife and I are closer friends now than we have been in a long time, possibly ever. It feels good and right for it to be that way - now that we need each other more than ever. I'm learning to let myself "need" others now and that helps her too.
So today is a good day - a good anniversary and a good milestone in my life. I feel blessed by my current relationships and I know that I am a truly lucky man. When days are dark and my past pains creep in on me - I have people to whom I can turn. I pray to God for the strength to make that turn and to let them in.
To all of you - my gratitude and my love!
Woof ya later!
- bbw
Monday, August 08, 2005
08/08/2005 - [Early Edition] SISSIES INDEED!
It's Monday, and it is still morning. I've been hard at work getting caught up on business mail, creating new systems diagrams and scheduling meetings to review those diagrams with others. Yet I still have a lot on my mind. On the morning drive - I had two specific and distinct thoughts that I wanted to explore. I'm not sure I will have time to do them both justice today - but just in case I do - I'll mark my first entry as the "early" edition.
Here we go... thought number one...
Well, it's not actually a thought, but a review of a play I went to see yesterday. The title of the play is Southern Baptist Sissies, written by Del Shores and directed by Bruce Coleman. The play is running through August 21, so if you are interested in seeing it - check out more information at http://www.uptownplayers.org/.
I had not had any exposure to reviews or information about the play except that I was told it was written by the same guy who wrote "Sordid Lives". So given the comedic nature of that work and the seemingly humorous title - I thought I was going to see a comedy. I love comedies. I like to laugh - and will generally choose that over something that makes me think too much or feel too deeply. So there's a glimpse at the coward in me.
So I went. I bought tickets for myself, my wife, my boyfriend and three other friends of ours. We also met some friends who had tickets for the same date and time. The theater is part of the Trinity River Arts Center at off of Stemmons Freeway and Motor street in Dallas. I'm not sure how many people can be seated in the theater, but I'm guessing it was not more than 250 people. The theater stage is small and intimate; a perfect setting for the play I was about to see.
I don't really want to give anything away in my review, because nothing I write here could provide the reader with a sense of having experienced something profound and important. I want you to go see this play for yourself! I don't want to spoil it for you.
The play deals with so many themes that if listed, would certainly overwhelm the best of orderly minds. But that is the way of life. We don't experience life as a list of strung-together events. We experience life in layers. Layers upon layers upon layers. That is how I felt sitting there watching this play. It felt so... so REAL!
There is plenty of very good dialog and some great one-liners that I know will be repeated over and over by some of us. There were some laughs (there's my comedy!) and there were some tears. Actually, for me, there were lots of tears. Some for the personal pain of living in a judging world, but more for the pain experienced by those who are dear to me, and who actually "lived" the story unfolded on that stage. My boyfriend sat there sobbing through many parts, sometimes uncontrollably, because some of the pain was just too close to home and so deeply pressed into his soul. Way too much of the play and the dialogue could have been written by him - from personal experience. He was, and in many ways still is, Mark, the main character in the play (played by Carter Hudson). He was raised deeply rooted in one of the strictest religions I know of. He became involved in a same-sex physical relationship early in his teen years with someone who could not handle the consequential guilt and shame. He fell in love with the boy - only to be used and discarded - dismissed as a "phase", a "mistake" and an "abomination". I know life is unfair at times. It is also painful at times. But I think the deepest cuts and resulting scars come from the pain associated with the "L" word - yes... Love.
This play explores all of these themes and more! Love is looked at from many angles; self love, God's love, mothers' love, physical love, false love, love in friendship, love lost, love found and once again - this listing might be endless - and therefore meaningless to pursue an end...
I count myself as lucky. I have love in my life. True love. Those who attended the play with me could see it for themselves as I held the hand of my wife of 22 years on my left side, and held the hand of my boyfriend of 9 months on my right side. We all three felt the piercing message of the play. We felt the twisting despair caused by religious daggers of judgment and we heard the message of hope in words that told us to believe in ourselves and to believe in love - no matter what! And each of us understand the need to reach out to one another and bolster the quivering hearts and spirits until we can all soar again - in peace... in freedom... in love.
Don't take my word for anything here... go see the play for yourself. It can be transforming, and freeing.
If you want to find ways to better understand how bigotry, judgmentalism and fundamentalism are formed and ingrained into the very fabric of mankind - look to the portrayal of the preacher and the mothers, caught up in an unholy, ungrounded, rickety and contradictory theology that is more defeating than liberating.
If you want to find ways to love more deeply - look to the "sissies" where you will find they aren't sissies at all - but real men, as God created man to be. In all their diversity, and variety. Their glory is His glory. Their victory is a victory for us all.
In the words of Mark - "sometimes I close my eyes and imagine a perfect world..." Let's all try to imagine Mark's world - and then open our eyes and make it real!
Peace to you all!
Woof ya later!
- bbw
Here we go... thought number one...
Well, it's not actually a thought, but a review of a play I went to see yesterday. The title of the play is Southern Baptist Sissies, written by Del Shores and directed by Bruce Coleman. The play is running through August 21, so if you are interested in seeing it - check out more information at http://www.uptownplayers.org/.
I had not had any exposure to reviews or information about the play except that I was told it was written by the same guy who wrote "Sordid Lives". So given the comedic nature of that work and the seemingly humorous title - I thought I was going to see a comedy. I love comedies. I like to laugh - and will generally choose that over something that makes me think too much or feel too deeply. So there's a glimpse at the coward in me.
So I went. I bought tickets for myself, my wife, my boyfriend and three other friends of ours. We also met some friends who had tickets for the same date and time. The theater is part of the Trinity River Arts Center at off of Stemmons Freeway and Motor street in Dallas. I'm not sure how many people can be seated in the theater, but I'm guessing it was not more than 250 people. The theater stage is small and intimate; a perfect setting for the play I was about to see.
I don't really want to give anything away in my review, because nothing I write here could provide the reader with a sense of having experienced something profound and important. I want you to go see this play for yourself! I don't want to spoil it for you.
The play deals with so many themes that if listed, would certainly overwhelm the best of orderly minds. But that is the way of life. We don't experience life as a list of strung-together events. We experience life in layers. Layers upon layers upon layers. That is how I felt sitting there watching this play. It felt so... so REAL!
There is plenty of very good dialog and some great one-liners that I know will be repeated over and over by some of us. There were some laughs (there's my comedy!) and there were some tears. Actually, for me, there were lots of tears. Some for the personal pain of living in a judging world, but more for the pain experienced by those who are dear to me, and who actually "lived" the story unfolded on that stage. My boyfriend sat there sobbing through many parts, sometimes uncontrollably, because some of the pain was just too close to home and so deeply pressed into his soul. Way too much of the play and the dialogue could have been written by him - from personal experience. He was, and in many ways still is, Mark, the main character in the play (played by Carter Hudson). He was raised deeply rooted in one of the strictest religions I know of. He became involved in a same-sex physical relationship early in his teen years with someone who could not handle the consequential guilt and shame. He fell in love with the boy - only to be used and discarded - dismissed as a "phase", a "mistake" and an "abomination". I know life is unfair at times. It is also painful at times. But I think the deepest cuts and resulting scars come from the pain associated with the "L" word - yes... Love.
This play explores all of these themes and more! Love is looked at from many angles; self love, God's love, mothers' love, physical love, false love, love in friendship, love lost, love found and once again - this listing might be endless - and therefore meaningless to pursue an end...
I count myself as lucky. I have love in my life. True love. Those who attended the play with me could see it for themselves as I held the hand of my wife of 22 years on my left side, and held the hand of my boyfriend of 9 months on my right side. We all three felt the piercing message of the play. We felt the twisting despair caused by religious daggers of judgment and we heard the message of hope in words that told us to believe in ourselves and to believe in love - no matter what! And each of us understand the need to reach out to one another and bolster the quivering hearts and spirits until we can all soar again - in peace... in freedom... in love.
Don't take my word for anything here... go see the play for yourself. It can be transforming, and freeing.
If you want to find ways to better understand how bigotry, judgmentalism and fundamentalism are formed and ingrained into the very fabric of mankind - look to the portrayal of the preacher and the mothers, caught up in an unholy, ungrounded, rickety and contradictory theology that is more defeating than liberating.
If you want to find ways to love more deeply - look to the "sissies" where you will find they aren't sissies at all - but real men, as God created man to be. In all their diversity, and variety. Their glory is His glory. Their victory is a victory for us all.
In the words of Mark - "sometimes I close my eyes and imagine a perfect world..." Let's all try to imagine Mark's world - and then open our eyes and make it real!
Peace to you all!
Woof ya later!
- bbw
Thursday, August 04, 2005
08/04/2005 - INTENTIONAL LIVING...
Here it is, Thursday - but it's kinda like a Friday already. At least for me. I'm taking tomorrow off from work - or working from home for a bit maybe - but I also want to try and have a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday to get some of the JUNK out of my house and garage! So while I won't be relaxing - I will be productive!
I was thinking on my way driving in to work this morning (a sentence you will hear or read over and over I'm sure...) mostly because that is the best time for me to just think. It's quiet (for the most part) and there are few distractions (if you don't count idiot drivers!). But I realized this morning that I have spent a good part of the past two or three years turned inwards. I've been caught up in self-discovery, self-healing and yes... self-pity for a good number of months! While I'm not apologizing for it - because I think I've been doing a lot of what I needed to be doing - I still think that things could have been handled differently, or better, for those around me. And in realizing that - I think, hope and pray that I can make some changes that lead me to reach out more to those around me whom I love, cherish and need.
I've always been one to reach out - but more in a "robotic" or "automatic" kind of way. I was programmed to be like that since I was a baby. I was raised a "pleaser" - some of you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Somehow I was programmed to believe that my existence was predominantly geared to be of use, service, amusement and pleasure for others. EVEN THOUGH I would never be "good enough" - I was still expected to do my best to fill those roles. And boy did I buy into it! This is not a totally bad thing, mind you. I enjoy helping others, and doing for others. My mistake was doing that at my own expense, and thus, at the expense of others too. It led me to living an unfulfilled life of constantly giving and living merely off of the praise and thank you's that I received in return. I felt that if I volunteered here, or helped there - then I was fulfilling my purpose in life. Truth is - it was really more about fulfilling someone else's needs - and ignoring my purpose altogether.
So what is my purpose? I had never thought much about that. I thought it was to be a husband, and a father. I honestly thought that if I succeeded at that - my purpose would be fulfilled - but my spirit cried out for more. I will never diminish what it means to me to be a husband or a father. I don't think I will ever accomplish anything in my life that brings me more joy and pride than those two things. But I am of the mindset now that I cannot just define myself by my relationships to other people. I need to know who I am as an individual. Not as a husband. Not as a father. Not even as a lover or a friend or an employee... Who am I as a man? AND - what is it that I want to accomplish in this life as that man? Well - I don't have a lot of answers - but one thing I do know is that I want to live with intention.
I don't want to spend another second just letting time pass me by. I don't want to "get through" the day, or live "for the weekend". I want each day to count for something. I want each second and minute of each day to have a purpose and a direction. Even if that time span is set aside to do nothing more than sitting quietly, and listening or reflecting - to recharge my body, my mind or my soul - I need those things too.
I used to dread when someone asked me "where do you see yourself five years from now?" because my honest response was "I don't know". I had no concept of what life or I would be like then. I had no capacity or reference to be able to look into the future and see what I wanted it to be like. I brushed off such questions as "ridiculous" simply because I could not fathom myself ever really having a plan. I think that had a lot to do with being cut off from a significant amount of my past. All I REALLY had was now. That's what I needed to concentrate on - surviving the now!
Well - I'm hoping those days are behind me. Yes, I know I will "backslide" now and then and fall into some lazy habits. But I'm also listening more to the encouragement of others and to the callings within my own spirit. I am starting to build an image in my mind of my future. Will it look exactly like that when I arrive? I doubt it! But I will be in the vicinity - and if I change my mind and my direction along the way - I'm allowing that to be ok too, because it is done with intention - and with a plan in mind. No longer do I want to be a dandelion umbrella seed blowing in the breeze, taking whatever I get and making "lemonade". I want to create things - photographs, paintings, memories and most importantly - I want to create a life that has meaning, is fulfilling to me and brings joy to others.
My first step is to spend less time "inside" of me and more time reaching out with love, compassion and yes, even my own "needs" and allowing those around me to love me and to participate in this life with me. That is a great challenge for me - but hey, I'm up for a challenge!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
I was thinking on my way driving in to work this morning (a sentence you will hear or read over and over I'm sure...) mostly because that is the best time for me to just think. It's quiet (for the most part) and there are few distractions (if you don't count idiot drivers!). But I realized this morning that I have spent a good part of the past two or three years turned inwards. I've been caught up in self-discovery, self-healing and yes... self-pity for a good number of months! While I'm not apologizing for it - because I think I've been doing a lot of what I needed to be doing - I still think that things could have been handled differently, or better, for those around me. And in realizing that - I think, hope and pray that I can make some changes that lead me to reach out more to those around me whom I love, cherish and need.
I've always been one to reach out - but more in a "robotic" or "automatic" kind of way. I was programmed to be like that since I was a baby. I was raised a "pleaser" - some of you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Somehow I was programmed to believe that my existence was predominantly geared to be of use, service, amusement and pleasure for others. EVEN THOUGH I would never be "good enough" - I was still expected to do my best to fill those roles. And boy did I buy into it! This is not a totally bad thing, mind you. I enjoy helping others, and doing for others. My mistake was doing that at my own expense, and thus, at the expense of others too. It led me to living an unfulfilled life of constantly giving and living merely off of the praise and thank you's that I received in return. I felt that if I volunteered here, or helped there - then I was fulfilling my purpose in life. Truth is - it was really more about fulfilling someone else's needs - and ignoring my purpose altogether.
So what is my purpose? I had never thought much about that. I thought it was to be a husband, and a father. I honestly thought that if I succeeded at that - my purpose would be fulfilled - but my spirit cried out for more. I will never diminish what it means to me to be a husband or a father. I don't think I will ever accomplish anything in my life that brings me more joy and pride than those two things. But I am of the mindset now that I cannot just define myself by my relationships to other people. I need to know who I am as an individual. Not as a husband. Not as a father. Not even as a lover or a friend or an employee... Who am I as a man? AND - what is it that I want to accomplish in this life as that man? Well - I don't have a lot of answers - but one thing I do know is that I want to live with intention.
I don't want to spend another second just letting time pass me by. I don't want to "get through" the day, or live "for the weekend". I want each day to count for something. I want each second and minute of each day to have a purpose and a direction. Even if that time span is set aside to do nothing more than sitting quietly, and listening or reflecting - to recharge my body, my mind or my soul - I need those things too.
I used to dread when someone asked me "where do you see yourself five years from now?" because my honest response was "I don't know". I had no concept of what life or I would be like then. I had no capacity or reference to be able to look into the future and see what I wanted it to be like. I brushed off such questions as "ridiculous" simply because I could not fathom myself ever really having a plan. I think that had a lot to do with being cut off from a significant amount of my past. All I REALLY had was now. That's what I needed to concentrate on - surviving the now!
Well - I'm hoping those days are behind me. Yes, I know I will "backslide" now and then and fall into some lazy habits. But I'm also listening more to the encouragement of others and to the callings within my own spirit. I am starting to build an image in my mind of my future. Will it look exactly like that when I arrive? I doubt it! But I will be in the vicinity - and if I change my mind and my direction along the way - I'm allowing that to be ok too, because it is done with intention - and with a plan in mind. No longer do I want to be a dandelion umbrella seed blowing in the breeze, taking whatever I get and making "lemonade". I want to create things - photographs, paintings, memories and most importantly - I want to create a life that has meaning, is fulfilling to me and brings joy to others.
My first step is to spend less time "inside" of me and more time reaching out with love, compassion and yes, even my own "needs" and allowing those around me to love me and to participate in this life with me. That is a great challenge for me - but hey, I'm up for a challenge!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
08/03/2005 - MIDWEEK BLUES?
I've heard of "blue monday" but what about Tuesday or Wednesday? Is that allowed? Well it doesn't matter - I'm not going to let a bit of "down" feelings spoil my day or my life!
I have had some trouble communicating with folks lately. Not sure what's going on with that - after all - I think I did a pretty decent job with the kids on Sunday. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm still feeling crappy due to allergies. Maybe it is that I don't have a lot of job satisfaction. Or, maybe I'm just feeling some pressure from outside sources, or people... pressure to try and "make" them feel better and me feeling down because I just can't.
In any event - it is now Wednesday AND the workday is almost over. (YES I'm typing this while at work! Now go take your cigarette break!). This has been a busy/hectic week already. Lot's going on at the office. Much more than usual, but I'm going to take that as a "good thing" for now.
Emotionally I'm feeling somewhat distant, disconnected and cold. I'm not particularly angry, hurt or bothered, just somewhat "shut down" on the inside. I'm not excited about anything. Could care less if I go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. I get like that sometimes - and I guess it is OK because I don't give in to the feelings. I have a meeting this evening for married men who are bi/gay/curious. It is a good group and they all have a lot to offer. I would suggest it for anyone who is going through such issues - or for anyone who has already been through it because your experience can really help others!
Well, I think that is all I need to write for today. I know it's not much, and not very deep, profound or thought provoking - but hey... what more do you want on a Wednesday? Perhaps you could contact me and we could go to Monica's tonight for 50-Cent margaritas!!! (or are they 75 cents now?) ANYWAY....
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
I have had some trouble communicating with folks lately. Not sure what's going on with that - after all - I think I did a pretty decent job with the kids on Sunday. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm still feeling crappy due to allergies. Maybe it is that I don't have a lot of job satisfaction. Or, maybe I'm just feeling some pressure from outside sources, or people... pressure to try and "make" them feel better and me feeling down because I just can't.
In any event - it is now Wednesday AND the workday is almost over. (YES I'm typing this while at work! Now go take your cigarette break!). This has been a busy/hectic week already. Lot's going on at the office. Much more than usual, but I'm going to take that as a "good thing" for now.
Emotionally I'm feeling somewhat distant, disconnected and cold. I'm not particularly angry, hurt or bothered, just somewhat "shut down" on the inside. I'm not excited about anything. Could care less if I go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. I get like that sometimes - and I guess it is OK because I don't give in to the feelings. I have a meeting this evening for married men who are bi/gay/curious. It is a good group and they all have a lot to offer. I would suggest it for anyone who is going through such issues - or for anyone who has already been through it because your experience can really help others!
Well, I think that is all I need to write for today. I know it's not much, and not very deep, profound or thought provoking - but hey... what more do you want on a Wednesday? Perhaps you could contact me and we could go to Monica's tonight for 50-Cent margaritas!!! (or are they 75 cents now?) ANYWAY....
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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