What a funny world we live in, filled with funny people. And by “funny” in this context, I mean “odd”.
I’ve often said “It takes all kinds”, but you know what, I’m not sure that ALL kinds are really required. I’m almost certain that there are certain kinds of folks we can do without. In fact, the world might most assuredly be a better place without some types of people. But who wants to be the one to pick who stays and who goes? Well… not me. Not yet anyway.
But that’s not really the point is it. It’s not the actual person – it’s the behavior that is really at issue. It leaves us wondering – WHY do people act like that? WHAT makes a person do that, or say that? But with some people it is hard to separate their identity from their behavior. HOW they are is so intensely related to WHO they are. And I guess that is the basis for how we relate to others. Why we like or dislike someone. We may not REALLY know them, so we judge them based on HOW they come across. That’s really an interesting thing for me to ponder.
Yesterday was the end of a long, fun, tiring holiday weekend for my partner and I. We spent four days and evenings of non-stop running around, traveling to visit friends, going to pool parties, barbecues, softball tournaments, time with family and wrapped it up with a going away party for friends who are moving out of state. When we finally got home Sunday night, unpacked the car, got the laundry going, fed the dog, checked the mail and sat down to check email, we were truly exhausted.
As I cleared my inbox I found an item in my junk-mail box that was appropriately filtered from an address I did not recognize. It was from someone (a guy I have to assume based on the contents of the email) who had been to my blog here and was commenting back to me. By the way, he did not identify himself in the email, but rather, chose to remain anonymous. What was even more odd, is that his translation of what he read in my blog was almost unrecognizable. In addition to taking what I wrote way out of context, this person proceeded to relate to me that he had “been with me” in the past and also with my partner under very “questionable” circumstances. The entire tone was “I’m letting you know I’ve been with you both without the other one knowing… and guess what – this is what we did!”
Now, I’ve encountered people in the past who, for some reason, make it their objective to bust up relationships, for whatever reason. I can’t say I understand it, and I didn’t used to believe it. In fact I used to have an acquaintance who I spoke with on a regular basis both before I was partnered and after, who I was later warned, had tried to break up three other couples I know. I kind of just brushed off this warning as a misunderstanding, but then I heard it again, and again – with pretty concrete examples of what the guy would do. So, for whatever reason, there are people who do this sort of thing. So when I read the email, I just replied back that I have no idea who he is, I seriously doubt that either one of us had been with him and if either had – certainly NOT under the circumstance he described. And then I let it go. I didn’t even bother my partner with it. I knew he was tired and we would talk about it later anyway.
What I didn’t know was that my partner also received an email from this guy – with pretty much the same intentions, but with a different story line. In the note to my partner, there’s no mention of him ever meeting my partner. Instead, he states he met me and then describes things that, if he really knew me, he would know would NEVER have occurred. So my partner asks me if I recognized this email address, and I tell him yes and then I read him the one I received and my reply back. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed because we figured here’s another one of THOSE people; someone who, for some reason, is trying to cause trouble for others. Luckily for us, we don’t get caught up in other people’s drama, and we don’t let them lead us around with their stories - especially some chicken-shit who sends an anonymous email. What is up with that?
So, whether it’s some cheesy sleaze who has nothing better to do than hide behind his anonymous email and make up stories, or some vertically-challenged low class horn-dog from the past with a history of cheating on his partner who messages my partner with the story of how he and I first met, hoping desperately and in vain, for an invitation to our bed, my partner and I have the type of relationship and communication that allows us to smile at this funny world, with all it’s beauty, comedy, and yes, even the oddities, because we know our love is stronger when we are together.
May you also find strength in honesty and love
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Monday, July 07, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
06/25/2008 – HOLLOWED & BURNED...
My blog today was intended to be something vastly different. Something much lighter but still meaningful to me. Now that will have to wait. Because my mind, heart and very core have been turned and torn in a totally different direction. As I sat here at work getting ready to take lunch at my desk, I thought I’d look at the news online and my eyes caught the headline “Court rejects death penalty for raping children”. Now, I don’t know where you fall in your beliefs about the death penalty, but I believe there are situations that warrant it. Child rape by an adult is one of those situations. Of course I read the article. I can’t say it was a mistake because I want to be an informed person, even about things I find disdainful. It’s just that this issue affects me to my very core, and stirs up in me things I don’t want stirred up. Once again I felt like a child with no voice, trying to scream… and now the supreme court is speaking for me, saying what? It’s not THAT bad? I guess that’s what I got out of the article. Unless the perpetrator kills me – they don’t deserve to die for their crime. I don’t think the supreme court understands child rape or what it means to die… emotionally and spiritually, over and over again. They can’t possibly understand. Well I guess some of them did. The vote was 5 to 4.
"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.
Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.
So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.
I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.
I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.
I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.
I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.
Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.
Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.
So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.
I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.
I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.
I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.
I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.
Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
06/11/2008 - WHY AM I HERE...
Do you ever wake up, or pause in your day, and just wonder why you are where you are in your life? I do. I don’t know if I do it a lot, but I do it, every now and then. It’s not so much that I wonder how I got where I am, although that’s a part of the thought process for sure, but it’s mainly why. Why am I here, in this place, with this job, this partner, at this time in my life? Why?
Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.
Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.
I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.
If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.
Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.
And I continue hacking through the weeds…
Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.
So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.
I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.
Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.
There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.
Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.
Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.
I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.
If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.
Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.
And I continue hacking through the weeds…
Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.
So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.
I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.
Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.
There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.
Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
06/11/2008 - ON HEROES...
Just a quick scribble. In reading a magazine recently, I came across a quote by an actor I rather admire. He's not considered the "Hollywood Hottie" - but that flavor seems to change weekly. He's just a very good actor who seems to have staying power - and someone with whom I have always felt sort of a kinship without ever really knowing why. After reading the quote, maybe I have a better sense of why. This man comes across as a very deep, very real and very spiritual person. I like that. I identify with that. So... here's his quote. I hope you find something in it for yourself as well.When asked to name a real life hero, the actor responded...
"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” - John Cusack
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
05/13/2008 – TIME TO BREATHE…
It seems that for some time now, I have been holding my breath. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought I would do that and time would stand still. Maybe I was thinking I could preserve some of what I had in my life if I just held my breath long enough. But, long enough for what? I’m not completely sure. The closest thing I can relate this to is when I was a small boy, I used to think that old people were trying to poison me. So, whenever I passed old people on the street or in shops in town, I would hold my breath until they were well past me. Sometimes this was rather difficult if I came upon a large group of them – but somehow I managed not to pass out! And so lately, it has seemed like that again. Like I had been holding my breath. Waiting for something bad to pass. And now, having reached a settlement agreement on my divorce during mediation… it seems like the right time to take a breath of air again. Fresh air.
In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.
Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.
So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.
I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.
2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.
Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.
So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.
I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.
2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
04/30/2008 - THANKS GEORGE...
The following has been attributed to George Carlin. Supposedly he wrote this after his wife passed away. I cannot validate whether or not he is in fact the author, but it seems like something he would write. He's always had a keen sense of wisdom injected into his humor. It is that sense of wisdom that shines through here - but the sense of humor is not alltogether lost. I've decided to go ahead and give him credit. Thanks George!
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin
God Bless and...
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin
God Bless and...
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Friday, April 11, 2008
04/11/2008 - NO IMMUNITY...
I must admit - I am not immune. Sometimes I fall into the same trap I try to warn others against, and it's not only embarrassing, but it's humbling. I would say the humbling part is a good thing - it helps to keep me/us "real" and remind us that we are not faultless and yes, sometimes that glass house is our own.
On January 17 of this year I posted a blog titled Crazy Times, and it held up "Muslim" or Islamic ideals and compared them with "American" ideals, basically to show how inconsistent the two are and how they, like oil and water, don't fundamentally mix. That in itself isn't a bad exercise - but the big OOPS that leaves me feeling so humbled and foolish - is that I drank the same "internet kool-aid" that led me and so many others to believe for a "fact" that Barack Obama was a Muslim. At the time - I had never heard Mr. Obama state that he was Muslim - but I got emails and read internet blather almost daily that said so. AND his name seemed to fit that image as well. AND he never publicly stated that he was NOT a muslim... that is, until some months later.
Now I have heard from his very mouth that he is in fact a Christian, who reads the Bible - and well, I'll say it again - I feel foolish. I fell into the trap of the haters and I put on their sheep's skin and walked on all fours like them...
So I ask that Mr. Obama forgive me, and that you forgive me as well. It proves to me how easy it is to "believe" something when we hear it stated as fact, particularly when it is stated in a public place by seemingly professional and "knowing" people - over and over again! Much like Hillary's account of entering Bosnia under sniper fire. Had I not been informed by others who were there, I would believe her. She would have liked that.
Thanks to all of you for your love, your support, your forgiveness! Let's continue to hold each other accountable!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
On January 17 of this year I posted a blog titled Crazy Times, and it held up "Muslim" or Islamic ideals and compared them with "American" ideals, basically to show how inconsistent the two are and how they, like oil and water, don't fundamentally mix. That in itself isn't a bad exercise - but the big OOPS that leaves me feeling so humbled and foolish - is that I drank the same "internet kool-aid" that led me and so many others to believe for a "fact" that Barack Obama was a Muslim. At the time - I had never heard Mr. Obama state that he was Muslim - but I got emails and read internet blather almost daily that said so. AND his name seemed to fit that image as well. AND he never publicly stated that he was NOT a muslim... that is, until some months later.
Now I have heard from his very mouth that he is in fact a Christian, who reads the Bible - and well, I'll say it again - I feel foolish. I fell into the trap of the haters and I put on their sheep's skin and walked on all fours like them...
So I ask that Mr. Obama forgive me, and that you forgive me as well. It proves to me how easy it is to "believe" something when we hear it stated as fact, particularly when it is stated in a public place by seemingly professional and "knowing" people - over and over again! Much like Hillary's account of entering Bosnia under sniper fire. Had I not been informed by others who were there, I would believe her. She would have liked that.
Thanks to all of you for your love, your support, your forgiveness! Let's continue to hold each other accountable!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
02/20/2008 – FLIP-FLOP…
Is it that time again? And will it be business as usual? God, I’m so afraid the answer is yes. I passed a sign on someone’s fence today. It stated, simply enough “Had enough yet? Vote Democrat!” I looked at the sign and I just let the meaning sink in. I questioned myself – had enough of what? Bush? War? Republicans? What was it that this family has had enough of? Were they wanting to imply that their “enough” is the same as everyone else’s “enough”? What really bothered me was the suggestion that the answer to “enough” was now in the hands of the democrats. But that’s what I meant by “business as usual” here in America. And what prompted the title of today’s blog.You see, I’ve come rather close to concluding that our American symbol might ought to be changed from that of a noble eagle to that of a flip-flop. Yes, you know… the foam-rubber shoe some of us used to refer to as a “shower-shoe” and used to only see in public showers or pools and on beaches, but which are now fashion accessories found in every color and material on the feet of young and old across the country. How totally apt!
Why a flip-flop you ask? Good question! It goes back to the sign on the fence. Have you had enough yet? Vote Democrat! We have to assume here that by “enough”, the person sending the message has wrapped up all the woes and ills of this country into a nice, neat package containing the war, all the hatred for the bushes, both former and present, all the presumed “lies” about weapons of mass destruction, and let’s not forget the thing that most clearly and directly put our country’s safety at risk, the mispronunciation of the work “nucular”! (Don’t get me started on how these same people LOVED Dan Quayle, even when he couldn’t spell Potato!) So – all of that is lumped into a package and labeled “Fault of the Republicans!” Are you still with me? So what’s the obvious solution if you are one of those who HAVE INDEED had enough? Well, the sign tells you! Vote Democrat!
You might begin to wonder here if I’m a Republican and if this is one of those anti-Democrat rants that are going to get your panties all knotted again. I assure you, I am not. Nor will I take responsibility for the condition of your panties! What I am is an independent person, in both my political and my spiritual views of the world and of our country specifically. Please do NOT confuse that with being a MEMBER of the Independent Political party. I AM NOT! I am an independent thinker, who is a member of NO political party, and incidentally, would never vote for a candidate simply because I read a sign somewhere on a fence telling me that I should!
But that sign kind highlighted for me where we are as a society, at least politically, here in the USA today, and it left me feeling somewhat empty and powerless. We are still largely a two-party system. And if you look back through our history, we have done a great deal of voting for a particular party (either Fat-Ass Elephants or Jack-Ass Donkeys) and when we’ve HAD ENOUGH – we simply vote for the other one! And the race this year seems to be no exception.
It actually doesn’t matter if you like George Jr. or not. He’s leaving. And if you think that he alone makes and executes domestic and foreign policy and law from the oval office and you blame him directly for the things you don’t like about the current US government, well then you are simply either stupid, or supremely naïve about how democratic process in the USA works. No single man or woman has that kind of clout or power, period! But that point aside, we are getting closer and closer to a two-man (pardon me Hillary) race. I don’t know how YOU feel – but I’m not excited about ANY of the prospects! That’s not to say that one or all of them won’t make a decent president, but I have yet to hear something from them or see something of character from any of them that suggests they would make a GREAT leader! I think this country NEEDS and DESERVES a great leader!
So what is the answer? I won’t pretend to have a simple remedy, but I don’t think the answer will be found in our current two-party system. I don’t think it will be found in our in-bred flip-flop mentality. I believe we need to raise our expectations and start really holding our elected officials accountable. If they work for us, then by golly, we should only hire the best! If that BEST PERSON is not a Democrat or Republican, or they don’t have a lot of money, then we need to have an electoral system that STILL allows them to be seen, and heard and tested.
Right now, if you haven’t noticed, each candidate moving through the primaries, is preparing a different speech and a different “face” for the particular state in which they are stumping. What the hell is that all about? I want a candidate that has one speech and one face for the entire nation. I want a candidate that is elected by the country as a whole, not by a pocket here for this reason, and a pocket there for that reason. That’s what we are reduced to today. And when the election is over… and time has run its course… eventually we will have had enough. And we will flip, or flop, once more.
I’ve had enough!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
Monday, February 18, 2008
02/18/2008 - ANCHORS....
anchoran•chor [ángker]
noun (plural an•chors)
Definition:
1. device to hold ship in place: a heavy, traditionally double-hooked, device for keeping a ship or floating object in place
2. device keeping object in place: any device that keeps an object in place
Driving to work this morning I was thinking about anchors, not necessarily in the traditional sense of big iron hooks that drag and catch at the bottom of the murky seas, but more in the figurative or symbolic sense. I was thinking about the things in my life, both concrete, and imagined, that seem somehow to hold me in place and keep me from moving forward with my life’s dreams, goals and passions. You see, my soul has been stirring again lately, as it often does when I’m either doing something I shouldn’t or not doing something I should. If I’m really honest with myself, and from time to time I try to be, I might even admit that my soul has been stirring for a long time… a very long time.
But as some of you may know… not all stirrings are equal!
As I drove this morning, I marveled at my good mood. I was smiling for no reason other than the day was good and I had a sense of being alive. More than this, I had a sense of purpose about my life this day, which is something that has been missing for way too long. Too many days, weeks and months have gone by where I have dragged myself from bed, showered, shaved, dressed, gone through the motions at a job I detest, come home and then dreaded the repetition I knew waited for me the next day. WTF?! I deserve better than that out of life. The people I love deserve better than that out of ME!
At some point this weekend a seed of an idea drifted into my mind. It was the idea that all the excuses I keep making for not doing the things I want to do right now are just that – excuses! And that they are false. So what if I’m in the middle of a divorce? Does that mean my life needs to be put on hold? No. So what if I’ve been at my job for 9+ years and things “might” be starting to get better – does that mean I shouldn’t just jump out there and look for a “Dream Job”? No.
This led to my thoughts this morning about anchors – or those things that I keep allowing to drag me down, hold me back and keep my life from being the life I want to be living. My anchors include people, voices from the past, thoughts, ideas, doubts, fears, insecurities, worries and probably a host of other things! But basically any of those things that have a negative impact on my health, wellness and fulfillment in life.
The GOOD NEWS is… I’ve made a decision to do something about it! I’m going to start trying to identify my anchors, and as quickly, honestly and deliberately as possible, extract them from my life. I want to throw away the excuses for not living the life I want to live and not pursuing happiness. If I fail to achieve some of my goals – I can handle that – but I don’t want to miss out because I was too afraid to try, or had my head so deeply buried in self-doubts, fears and excuses to even see that I COULD have tried!
I’ve done a few things right in my life. My kids – VERY RIGHT! Therefore, by default, my wife – very right for the time, but that time is over. My partner now – VERY RIGHT! My love for other people – it’s right, but I don’t think I’m doing everything I SHOULD be doing in that area. So I’ll keep looking for the right way to apply myself. The rest of my current life is wide open for change. My job, this city, this country – everything is open for discussion and change. My dreams and passions include creativity, photography and travel. Is there a job for me somewhere that will fit those passions and dreams? I don’t know – but I won’t let my job stop me from pursuing LIFE!
Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right track with things, and every now and then I get a small cosmic tap on the shoulder that tells me everything will be ok. Today was no exception.
I arrived at the office this morning to find an email from a friend, who is also sort of an arch-nemesis when it comes to political views, and we rib each other quite a bit about such issues. But today he sent me these words accompanied by a short article which I will include as well:
“The Fear of Succeeding is the worst fear of all - because we all have it within ourselves to be really great.”
Monday, February 18, 2008
Decide and do
The route to success in any area of life can be summed up in a simple, easy-to-remember formula. Decide what you wish to do, and then do it.
That may seem entirely obvious, and indeed it is. Yet even though the path to success is so clear and simple, many people have great difficulty following it.
The decision of what to do can be greatly hindered by doubts, fears, insecurities and worries, as well as by confusion over priorities. To get past all that, remember that every doubt is a creation of your own mind, and deep within you is an authentic purpose that can transcend any challenge.
When it comes to taking action, there can be all sorts of justifications and excuses for not doing so. To move forward anyway, it's important to keep in mind that every moment is an opportunity to create value for your life and your world.
When you choose to do nothing with this moment, the opportunity it contains is gone forever, never to return. Choose instead to invest yourself in effective action, and the potential value of this moment is transformed into real, actual, lasting value in your life.
Decide how you can best express the values and dreams that mean so much to you. Then take step after step to successfully bring your decisions to life.
-- Ralph Marston
So it seems that my idea about pulling up the anchors of one’s soul isn’t an entirely new idea, nor did I intend to imply that it was. I’m just excited today because it has found its way into my way of thinking and reinvigorated me today. I entered 2008 feeling that changes would indeed be coming this year, but I felt that most of those changes would come at me like the Texas weather – with little warning and nothing I could do about it but wait until it changed again. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel I can have a more deliberate hand in my life and my future, if I only step up and decide to do so. Today I have made that decision.
I don’t pretend to believe that every day from here on out will be easy. I bet things are going to be a lot harder at times than they are today – especially when I make decisions of the heart over decisions of convenience as I may have done in the past. But if health, wellness and fulfillment are truly my goal, I will learn to deal with those times as well. Wish me luck! I wish you the same!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
Thursday, February 14, 2008
02/14/2008 – HEART HAPPY…
Valentines Day! It’s kind of funny to think about this day and how its meaning has changed through my life. As a kid it was all about getting cards and giving out cards and of course, THE CANDY! Dude! Those conversation hearts were just the best! I don’t care if they were solid sugar and tasted like chalk. Hell, to this day I still love Necco Wafers! LOL
Then as I got a bit older, I’m guessing Junior High and High School – it got to be a bit more serious. It was more about impressing my girlfriend at the time. Getting flowers and candy and the right card for her. Sending a candy-gram during school and stuff like that. Spending the day with her – and just making sure everything about the day was special. That was fun, but there was also probably a bit more pressure associated with the holiday. It was less carefree – kinda like life.
Since I went to catechism to learn more about the catholic faith (my mom was catholic but my dad was protestant) I learned a little bit about St. Valentine and his contribution to the holiday. But I really never make that connection when the day comes around – it’s way too commercial for that!
Oh, and since I’ve become an adult, I am NOT a card buyer! I don’t like to buy greeting cards for ANY occasion! I do buy them every now and then but I would much rather make them. This year I did buy a Valentine card for Al because there are these two cartoon characters named Hoops and Yoyo that most closely resemble a cat and a rabbit that Al just loves! It’s a talking card and it was SOOO funny I had to buy it! If you come by the house to see us, ask about the card and we’ll show it to you!
As an adult now, Valentine’s Day means something completely different than when I was a child. I’m not much about candy at all. I don’t buy cards much. Ok, I will break down and buy a bouquet or two of tulips – but only because Al really loves them, and so do I. But to me, the holiday is more about service, and about reaching out to each other and to friends. I love to send messages to friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I love to send notes to my kids and tell them I love them. The focus is no longer on the candy, cards or gifts that come wrapped… but the focus is more on the thought and care that came across in the message – “I am thinking loving thoughts of you today” or “I miss you, and I wanted you to know”.
So, as this Valentine’s day draws to a close, I know I didn’t have the time to call, text, email or IM everyone I would have liked to connect with. Hopefully my blog will find you, or you will find it, and you will know that you are loved! Happy Valentine’s Day and have a wonderful and love-filled year! Pass it on!
WOOF to ya!
~bbw
Then as I got a bit older, I’m guessing Junior High and High School – it got to be a bit more serious. It was more about impressing my girlfriend at the time. Getting flowers and candy and the right card for her. Sending a candy-gram during school and stuff like that. Spending the day with her – and just making sure everything about the day was special. That was fun, but there was also probably a bit more pressure associated with the holiday. It was less carefree – kinda like life.
Since I went to catechism to learn more about the catholic faith (my mom was catholic but my dad was protestant) I learned a little bit about St. Valentine and his contribution to the holiday. But I really never make that connection when the day comes around – it’s way too commercial for that!
Oh, and since I’ve become an adult, I am NOT a card buyer! I don’t like to buy greeting cards for ANY occasion! I do buy them every now and then but I would much rather make them. This year I did buy a Valentine card for Al because there are these two cartoon characters named Hoops and Yoyo that most closely resemble a cat and a rabbit that Al just loves! It’s a talking card and it was SOOO funny I had to buy it! If you come by the house to see us, ask about the card and we’ll show it to you!
As an adult now, Valentine’s Day means something completely different than when I was a child. I’m not much about candy at all. I don’t buy cards much. Ok, I will break down and buy a bouquet or two of tulips – but only because Al really loves them, and so do I. But to me, the holiday is more about service, and about reaching out to each other and to friends. I love to send messages to friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I love to send notes to my kids and tell them I love them. The focus is no longer on the candy, cards or gifts that come wrapped… but the focus is more on the thought and care that came across in the message – “I am thinking loving thoughts of you today” or “I miss you, and I wanted you to know”.
So, as this Valentine’s day draws to a close, I know I didn’t have the time to call, text, email or IM everyone I would have liked to connect with. Hopefully my blog will find you, or you will find it, and you will know that you are loved! Happy Valentine’s Day and have a wonderful and love-filled year! Pass it on!
WOOF to ya!
~bbw
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
02/12/2008 - ANOTHER PASSING...
Another day, another week, and another message that a friend has passed away. My first response always seems to be the same. My first thoughts are “There must be some mistake! That can’t be right!” Of course, I want there to be an error. There must be some crazy mix up! There is a part of me that desperately wants to find out that my friend is actually ok.
It seems that it was only yesterday that I last talked to him. Of course “yesterday” is inevitably more like weeks, or even months ago, which makes the loss sting just that much more. It brings home the fact that once more I’ve taken for granted the time I had to spend with a friend who no longer walks these streets with us. It seems weird that I can’t just pick up the phone and text or call him, or sit down at the computer and email or chat with him. I miss him more than I did when he moved across the country. I knew he’d come back for a visit from Atlanta. Or I could visit him. But what now?
I will miss his devilish grin and constant teasing. I will miss his silliness. I will miss walking up to his big muscular frame and declaring him my favorite lesbian. Mostly, I think, I will miss the gentle man he kept hidden inside of the rough macho exterior he presented to the world. I will miss him. I do miss him. I miss you John, my friend.
WOOF to ya bud, wherever you are!
~ bbw
It seems that it was only yesterday that I last talked to him. Of course “yesterday” is inevitably more like weeks, or even months ago, which makes the loss sting just that much more. It brings home the fact that once more I’ve taken for granted the time I had to spend with a friend who no longer walks these streets with us. It seems weird that I can’t just pick up the phone and text or call him, or sit down at the computer and email or chat with him. I miss him more than I did when he moved across the country. I knew he’d come back for a visit from Atlanta. Or I could visit him. But what now?
I will miss his devilish grin and constant teasing. I will miss his silliness. I will miss walking up to his big muscular frame and declaring him my favorite lesbian. Mostly, I think, I will miss the gentle man he kept hidden inside of the rough macho exterior he presented to the world. I will miss him. I do miss him. I miss you John, my friend.
WOOF to ya bud, wherever you are!
~ bbw
Saturday, February 02, 2008
02/01/2008 - HOLES IN TIME...
It’s been an odd week for me. Busy, sad and almost surreal. Two significant things happened this week, both of which have left places of emptiness in this time of my life. I want to explore them in reverse order. On Thursday, there was the divorce hearing in court that was similar to an out-of-body experience. There were times when I felt like an outside observer to the life I used to have, watching the woman I used to know and somewhere in the courtroom was the man I used to be. It was humbling and awakening all at the same time. On Wednesday night, while preparing information for the hearing the next morning, I received the news that a friend had died the night before. What’s worse is that he took himself away from us, making it even more confusing and heartbreaking to feel the pain and guilt when thinking about him, and missing him, wondering if there was anything I could have done that would have made a difference.
So, Court first: I sat in court this week and watched my wife, sitting with a friend of ours who came with her to provide emotional support. At one point the friend had to leave for the restroom or something and our attorneys were off doing whatever it is they do. And she and I sat alone on our court “pews”, me a couple of rows behind her, and I remembered that, for the biggest part of my life, she was my best friend and I hers. I looked at the back of her head, imagining how alone and vulnerable she must feel, and I prayed for her… tears filling my eyes. I knew it wouldn’t change what we had come there to do that day, but I wanted to send her peace and strength. I wanted her to not feel alone.
When the time came to face the judge, we made our way to the front and my wife looked at me once and smiled a silent hello. That was it. This was our brief moment before we turned things over to those who we have paid to protect our interests, at all costs.
The actual court proceedings really didn’t hold any surprises and I don’t think anyone came out feeling like they really won or lost. After all, it was a hearing and we settled very little in the larger scheme of things. If anything, I had one little surprise because I had this mental image of how my wife’s attorney might look, without ever having met her, and she fit that image exactly! She was neither young nor old, but very uptight and everything about her looked pinched, from her upturned nose to her shoes that one would imagine were at least three sizes too small. At one point during questioning I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing because she was coming at me very aggressively but she did it in the same way that school children argue. There was something so juvenile about the way she would use obvious sarcasm that it was cartoonish. It was almost like watching someone doing a spoof of a lawyer on comedy central. But I managed to hold it together.
Back to my friend, Bruce: Apparently, he found that he no longer had a place in this world, or that the world no longer had a place for him. I’ll never really know what he truly felt in his last minutes, days, weeks or even months. I’m ashamed to say it’s been months since I had talked to him, and that just adds to my sadness and guilt now. Ironically, on Tuesday, his final day with us, I was journaling and came across an entry from 2005 where I had written about him. I was reading that and thinking about him, which caused me to think about the last time I talked to him and then of course led me to think I need to call him and catch up, invite him to dinner and see how he’s doing. One day later I find out it’s too late and it just took the wind out of me. I asked about a funeral service to see if I could at least make plans for that, but found out the family was taking his body out of town and holding the funeral the very next day. So that was not even an option for us. So I’ve been carrying around this gnawing loss for two days now. Being able to write about it helps me get it out.
My friend Bruce was a shy guy in public. It didn’t matter where you were or what the crowd was like, big or small – he was always more comfortable one-on-one. He was also a blusher, which made him fun to tease. He was such a handsome man, with a great smile. I think the only thing bigger than his smile was his heart. He was such a sweet, gentle person. But he had his fun and wild side too. He was just an all-around good guy, an all-American boy and a wonderful friend. All of these things I will remember. All of these things I will hold dear. All of these things I will miss.
We miss you Bruce!
WOOF to ya!
~ bbw
So, Court first: I sat in court this week and watched my wife, sitting with a friend of ours who came with her to provide emotional support. At one point the friend had to leave for the restroom or something and our attorneys were off doing whatever it is they do. And she and I sat alone on our court “pews”, me a couple of rows behind her, and I remembered that, for the biggest part of my life, she was my best friend and I hers. I looked at the back of her head, imagining how alone and vulnerable she must feel, and I prayed for her… tears filling my eyes. I knew it wouldn’t change what we had come there to do that day, but I wanted to send her peace and strength. I wanted her to not feel alone.
When the time came to face the judge, we made our way to the front and my wife looked at me once and smiled a silent hello. That was it. This was our brief moment before we turned things over to those who we have paid to protect our interests, at all costs.
The actual court proceedings really didn’t hold any surprises and I don’t think anyone came out feeling like they really won or lost. After all, it was a hearing and we settled very little in the larger scheme of things. If anything, I had one little surprise because I had this mental image of how my wife’s attorney might look, without ever having met her, and she fit that image exactly! She was neither young nor old, but very uptight and everything about her looked pinched, from her upturned nose to her shoes that one would imagine were at least three sizes too small. At one point during questioning I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing because she was coming at me very aggressively but she did it in the same way that school children argue. There was something so juvenile about the way she would use obvious sarcasm that it was cartoonish. It was almost like watching someone doing a spoof of a lawyer on comedy central. But I managed to hold it together.
Back to my friend, Bruce: Apparently, he found that he no longer had a place in this world, or that the world no longer had a place for him. I’ll never really know what he truly felt in his last minutes, days, weeks or even months. I’m ashamed to say it’s been months since I had talked to him, and that just adds to my sadness and guilt now. Ironically, on Tuesday, his final day with us, I was journaling and came across an entry from 2005 where I had written about him. I was reading that and thinking about him, which caused me to think about the last time I talked to him and then of course led me to think I need to call him and catch up, invite him to dinner and see how he’s doing. One day later I find out it’s too late and it just took the wind out of me. I asked about a funeral service to see if I could at least make plans for that, but found out the family was taking his body out of town and holding the funeral the very next day. So that was not even an option for us. So I’ve been carrying around this gnawing loss for two days now. Being able to write about it helps me get it out.
My friend Bruce was a shy guy in public. It didn’t matter where you were or what the crowd was like, big or small – he was always more comfortable one-on-one. He was also a blusher, which made him fun to tease. He was such a handsome man, with a great smile. I think the only thing bigger than his smile was his heart. He was such a sweet, gentle person. But he had his fun and wild side too. He was just an all-around good guy, an all-American boy and a wonderful friend. All of these things I will remember. All of these things I will hold dear. All of these things I will miss.
We miss you Bruce!
WOOF to ya!
~ bbw
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
01/30/2008 – ROLLING STONES…
They say rolling stones gather no moss. Well I’m not sure we’ve exactly been “rolling” but things have been busy this month for sure! 2008 came in with a bang! and January is gone already!
I’m glad to report that Al’s surgery went well. It was longer than we originally anticipated. A little over 8 and a half hours! They had him face down on a steel table, unconscious the entire time. Even though there was a pad under him, it was so stressful on his body physically that it caused two huge pressure sores on his chest that looked like 2nd degree burns and actually had to be treated with silver sulfadine cream. The doctor told me there was a lot of pressure on Al’s spine but said he did great through the surgery and everything went well. He spent about 2 and a half hours in recovery before they sent him up to his room Friday evening. The hospital staff was generally very good, and outside of some quirky nurses, they took good care of us until we left on Sunday afternoon. The room we were in was a large private sweet with a couch that pulled out into a bed, so I was able to spend the entire time there with him and take care of him. Al’s second cousin, Melanie was a sweetheart and came over everyday and brought me meals and kept us both company.
Recovery at home the past week and a half has been slow but steady. People have been asking me how Al is doing and I tell them “He’s getting better every day!” Which is true. He is getting up out of bed by himself and can get around the house. But I still have to put his socks on in the morning before I go to work and make his lunch and put it on a high shelf in the fridge so he can reach it. We still have about three and a half weeks before he goes back to the doctor for a checkup. Hopefully by then he will be feeling stronger and have a better range of motion.
Another change looming is my divorce. Tomorrow is my first court appearance. I’m not really sure what to expect. I know that my wife has been less than communicative about everything since she moved out except when she wants something and the latest batch of papers from her attorney indicate that they are now trying to say the divorce is my fault. This is quite a departure from all the conversations my wife and I have had in the past about how we wanted to handle our divorce, but it’s no surprise that she has changed her mind. It’s just sad to see her choose to throw away friendship in exchange for some material possessions to which she somehow feels entitled.
I’ve always wanted her to be happy. I don’t think anything I own, or any amount of money is going to bring her that happiness. I hope that she finds it in herself.
As February comes rushing at us… I still don’t really know who I will be cheering on at the Super Bowl Party! I know Al is going for the Patriots (ONLY because of Tom Brady!) and I’m usually known for picking the underdog – so will I pick the Giants? Who knows? If you see me – make sure and wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
I’m glad to report that Al’s surgery went well. It was longer than we originally anticipated. A little over 8 and a half hours! They had him face down on a steel table, unconscious the entire time. Even though there was a pad under him, it was so stressful on his body physically that it caused two huge pressure sores on his chest that looked like 2nd degree burns and actually had to be treated with silver sulfadine cream. The doctor told me there was a lot of pressure on Al’s spine but said he did great through the surgery and everything went well. He spent about 2 and a half hours in recovery before they sent him up to his room Friday evening. The hospital staff was generally very good, and outside of some quirky nurses, they took good care of us until we left on Sunday afternoon. The room we were in was a large private sweet with a couch that pulled out into a bed, so I was able to spend the entire time there with him and take care of him. Al’s second cousin, Melanie was a sweetheart and came over everyday and brought me meals and kept us both company.
Recovery at home the past week and a half has been slow but steady. People have been asking me how Al is doing and I tell them “He’s getting better every day!” Which is true. He is getting up out of bed by himself and can get around the house. But I still have to put his socks on in the morning before I go to work and make his lunch and put it on a high shelf in the fridge so he can reach it. We still have about three and a half weeks before he goes back to the doctor for a checkup. Hopefully by then he will be feeling stronger and have a better range of motion.
Another change looming is my divorce. Tomorrow is my first court appearance. I’m not really sure what to expect. I know that my wife has been less than communicative about everything since she moved out except when she wants something and the latest batch of papers from her attorney indicate that they are now trying to say the divorce is my fault. This is quite a departure from all the conversations my wife and I have had in the past about how we wanted to handle our divorce, but it’s no surprise that she has changed her mind. It’s just sad to see her choose to throw away friendship in exchange for some material possessions to which she somehow feels entitled.
I’ve always wanted her to be happy. I don’t think anything I own, or any amount of money is going to bring her that happiness. I hope that she finds it in herself.
As February comes rushing at us… I still don’t really know who I will be cheering on at the Super Bowl Party! I know Al is going for the Patriots (ONLY because of Tom Brady!) and I’m usually known for picking the underdog – so will I pick the Giants? Who knows? If you see me – make sure and wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Friday, January 18, 2008
01/18/2007 THE TIME IS AT HAND…
It’s a little past midnight and we are getting ready for bed. The bags are pretty much packed and the house is pretty much ready. My daughter and her boyfriend came to get the dog tonight to keep her for the weekend. And I’ve set the alarm for 4:30 am so that I can get up and drive Al to the hospital in Arlington for spinal surgery. They want us there by 5:45 am even though they won’t take him into surgery until 7:15 am. I guess we are as ready as we can be.
We had a burst of energy earlier in the evening, moving the big couch into the living room, vacuuming all of the carpets and sitting down to a quiet dinner. Then we pulled out all of our DVDs and re-arranged them into more logical groupings. Maybe it was nervous energy. Maybe it was something else.
During the week there’s been this unspoken feeling and sense of things between us. It wasn’t fear or uneasiness. For the most part, we’ve been comfortable with the pending procedure and yesterday the doctor even pulled out a model and showed Al exactly what they were going to be doing with his spine. That helped even more. No, the feeling between us has not been a bad thing at all.
We both certainly understand that with any kind of surgery, no matter how minor or how complicated, there is always the chance that something could go wrong. We have not been carrying around any kind of fear associated with that subtle knowledge. The feeling that has been unspoken, but deeply felt, is more akin to sensing the moments of being together. It has been us being more keenly aware of the preciousness of those moments. Each glance, each meal shared, each good night kiss – has lately been that much more special and wrapped in the aura of a gift. And it has so palpable lately. So sweet.
While we still “check in” with each other on a regular basis and ask how the other is doing, no matter what the answer has been, behind that answer is a knowing look that says “I know… and I love you more each day”.
So as I turn out the light tonight, pull him closer to me, snuggle up and whisper “good night” and “I love you” – the words we exchange will carry with them that extra bit of care, love and heart-felt devotion that assures the other that we recognize these moments, as much as any other, are more precious than gold!
May we all live in the fullness of each moment of our lives!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
We had a burst of energy earlier in the evening, moving the big couch into the living room, vacuuming all of the carpets and sitting down to a quiet dinner. Then we pulled out all of our DVDs and re-arranged them into more logical groupings. Maybe it was nervous energy. Maybe it was something else.
During the week there’s been this unspoken feeling and sense of things between us. It wasn’t fear or uneasiness. For the most part, we’ve been comfortable with the pending procedure and yesterday the doctor even pulled out a model and showed Al exactly what they were going to be doing with his spine. That helped even more. No, the feeling between us has not been a bad thing at all.
We both certainly understand that with any kind of surgery, no matter how minor or how complicated, there is always the chance that something could go wrong. We have not been carrying around any kind of fear associated with that subtle knowledge. The feeling that has been unspoken, but deeply felt, is more akin to sensing the moments of being together. It has been us being more keenly aware of the preciousness of those moments. Each glance, each meal shared, each good night kiss – has lately been that much more special and wrapped in the aura of a gift. And it has so palpable lately. So sweet.
While we still “check in” with each other on a regular basis and ask how the other is doing, no matter what the answer has been, behind that answer is a knowing look that says “I know… and I love you more each day”.
So as I turn out the light tonight, pull him closer to me, snuggle up and whisper “good night” and “I love you” – the words we exchange will carry with them that extra bit of care, love and heart-felt devotion that assures the other that we recognize these moments, as much as any other, are more precious than gold!
May we all live in the fullness of each moment of our lives!
WOOF ya later!
~bbw
Thursday, January 17, 2008
01/17/2008 CRAZY TIMES…
Can Muslims be good Americans?
This is an interesting question.
This great country was founded on some damn fine principles. One of those was the principle of freedom of religion. Any free man should be allowed to practice ANY religion he likes. Right! Right? Any religion? Like Jim Jones and the Kool-Aid Klan? Or Tom Cruise and his cult of Scientology? I’m all for letting people find their own path and working out their own spirituality and their own salvation, but I have to draw the line at proselytizing or evangelizing through coercion, guilt, force etc. And I certainly don’t condone the freedom of someone’s religion to infringe on the rights and freedoms of others. So what about Islam and this Muslim faith?
Can a good Muslim be a good American? To get at an answer, we need to have a better understanding of the basic tenets of what it means to be a Muslim. The question was forwarded to a gentleman who has worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. In an email that was copied to me, the following is his reply:
Theologically – no, because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon God of Arabia.
Religiously – no, because no other religion is accepted by His Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256) (Koran).
Scripturally – no, because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.
Geographically – no, because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially – no, because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.
Politically – no, because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America, the great Satan.
Domestically – no, because he is instructed to marry 4 women and beat and scourge his wives if they disobey him
Intellectually – no, because he cannot accept the US Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles, and he believes the Bible to be corrupt
Philosophically – no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually – no, because when we declare 'one nation under God,' the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.
Therefore after such deliberation, should we be suspect of ALL MUSLIMS in this country? If they are truly devout, can they really be both good Muslims and good Americans?
The more we understand about this, the better it will be for our country and our future. A religious war has been waged against our country, of that there can be no doubt. The religious war is bigger than we know or can comprehend.
Retraction: 04/11/2008 - Regrettably - the statement in brackets below was made out of my ignorance, and in fact, Mr. Obama is a practicing Christian! My apologies to him and to you. ~bbw
[And we also know that Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, wants to be our President. He’s even said if he wins the election, he will be sworn in on the Quran (Koran), not the Bible.]
Is there a conflict of interest here?
Do you think America cares?
Some days I’m just not sure…
Let’s all remember to:
- Love one-another
- Look after one-another
- Hold one-another accountable
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
This is an interesting question.
This great country was founded on some damn fine principles. One of those was the principle of freedom of religion. Any free man should be allowed to practice ANY religion he likes. Right! Right? Any religion? Like Jim Jones and the Kool-Aid Klan? Or Tom Cruise and his cult of Scientology? I’m all for letting people find their own path and working out their own spirituality and their own salvation, but I have to draw the line at proselytizing or evangelizing through coercion, guilt, force etc. And I certainly don’t condone the freedom of someone’s religion to infringe on the rights and freedoms of others. So what about Islam and this Muslim faith?
Can a good Muslim be a good American? To get at an answer, we need to have a better understanding of the basic tenets of what it means to be a Muslim. The question was forwarded to a gentleman who has worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. In an email that was copied to me, the following is his reply:
Theologically – no, because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon God of Arabia.
Religiously – no, because no other religion is accepted by His Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256) (Koran).
Scripturally – no, because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.
Geographically – no, because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially – no, because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.
Politically – no, because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America, the great Satan.
Domestically – no, because he is instructed to marry 4 women and beat and scourge his wives if they disobey him
Intellectually – no, because he cannot accept the US Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles, and he believes the Bible to be corrupt
Philosophically – no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually – no, because when we declare 'one nation under God,' the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.
Therefore after such deliberation, should we be suspect of ALL MUSLIMS in this country? If they are truly devout, can they really be both good Muslims and good Americans?
The more we understand about this, the better it will be for our country and our future. A religious war has been waged against our country, of that there can be no doubt. The religious war is bigger than we know or can comprehend.
Retraction: 04/11/2008 - Regrettably - the statement in brackets below was made out of my ignorance, and in fact, Mr. Obama is a practicing Christian! My apologies to him and to you. ~bbw
[And we also know that Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, wants to be our President. He’s even said if he wins the election, he will be sworn in on the Quran (Koran), not the Bible.]
Is there a conflict of interest here?
Do you think America cares?
Some days I’m just not sure…
Let’s all remember to:
- Love one-another
- Look after one-another
- Hold one-another accountable
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
01/08/2008 – TIME MARCHES ON...
Another year gone and a new one sitting in front of us, already slipping under our feet, begging the question… “what will you do with me?” What indeed.
It’s not a question I like to take lightly because I truly believe that time is one of our most valuable resources, yet it is a question I find completely perplexing and difficult to answer. There are so many things I WANT to do, but I really don’t have a clue as to what I will ACTUALLY do this year. And yes I know, that’s pretty much a cop-out for an answer – but it’s honest nonetheless.
When I start to think about making plans, setting goals, jotting lists and then executing those, my head begins to spin, I get dizzy, my palms sweat and I feel faint. I’m emotionally unprepared to actually “see” myself in the future. Not that I don’t spend more than my fair share of time dreaming, because I do! But when it comes down to practicality, I’m more of a “here and now” kinda guy! I’ve always been that way. So you can probably guess that I’m not really strong when it comes to saving, or building up an investment portfolio. I don’t have a documented and charted five or ten year goal worksheet or checklist. What I do have is a crystal clear notion that I DON’T want to be where I am now in 10 years, and I DO want to be somewhere else! But I don’t have more than a foggy notion of what that journey will look like or where it will end up. And, for the most part, I’m ok with that.
From what I’ve seen in this life, most things “planned” don’t even turn out the way we first envisioned them. I’ve also learned that the quickest way to disappointment is through expectation, especially when it comes to dealing with other people. So, I guess you could say that I’ve fashioned my life to be somewhat of a loosely planned, one-day-at-a time, creatively-directed and spiritually-open adventure of sorts. While I have a full-time “day job” I have many other “hobbies” that don’t generate any real income at this time, but they do bring a “return” of sorts. In the future that may change and I may actually be able to make a tangible living with these more creative pursuits, but for now, they all serve a purpose.
And what about changes? Things constantly change around us. 2007 was a big year for changes around our home! My partner and I moved back into the house and started much-needed renovations. My son graduated from high school and enrolled in college! (YAY him!) My daughter moved out of the house and into an apartment she shares with her boyfriend. My wife started school, moved out of the house into her own apartment and then started divorce proceedings (YAY her!) And these are only a FEW of the year’s highlights! If you had asked which of these were planned at the beginning of the year, I think only the high school graduation was high on the list of hopeful (if questionable!). The divorce may also have seemed inevitable to some, but even at the beginning of 2007 there was no conscious thought of “this is the year”. But like I said, things change – and people change.
So with all these factors to consider, how am I supposed to know right here and now what I am going to do with 2008? I planned a birthday party for Al this coming Friday. What happens if I get hit with a bus on Thursday? See what I mean? Yes it’s silly not to plan at all – but how far out is too far? I guess that’s different for everyone. Unfortunately, my reach isn’t that far. So far this year I’ve planned: a dinner for Al and I to celebrate on his actual birthday, a dinner party to help celebrate Al’s birthday with friends, time off to be with Al when he is having back surgery and a VERY tentative schedule of my vacation days for the year. Beyond that – nothing has been planned. I know I will end up doing other things. Al and I like to stay active and love to get involved in volunteer activities, particularly if they are coupled with art-related events. So we’re always looking for those types of things to plug into.
Then there’s travel! I love to “get out and about” whether that’s across town, across the state, across the country or around the world! I’ve been known to leave town on a whim with no bags packed at all. That works when it’s a weekend trip and you aren’t going too far, but generally trips take a bit more planning and preparation. So here I am challenged once again. Last summer a friend approached me about a cruise coming up in February of 2008. I immediately told him to discuss it with Al because that kind of planning stressed me out. I joked with him about my blood pressure – but I was only partially joking. It really does stress me out to have to make concrete plans that far into the future. I have no idea why I’m wired like that. I just am. It’s weird.
So, 2008, I welcome you. I’m not sure what you have in store for me. And I’m not at all certain what I have planned for you. But between the two of us, I think we can make it one helluva good year!
Happy New Year everyone!
Make it the best it can be!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
It’s not a question I like to take lightly because I truly believe that time is one of our most valuable resources, yet it is a question I find completely perplexing and difficult to answer. There are so many things I WANT to do, but I really don’t have a clue as to what I will ACTUALLY do this year. And yes I know, that’s pretty much a cop-out for an answer – but it’s honest nonetheless.
When I start to think about making plans, setting goals, jotting lists and then executing those, my head begins to spin, I get dizzy, my palms sweat and I feel faint. I’m emotionally unprepared to actually “see” myself in the future. Not that I don’t spend more than my fair share of time dreaming, because I do! But when it comes down to practicality, I’m more of a “here and now” kinda guy! I’ve always been that way. So you can probably guess that I’m not really strong when it comes to saving, or building up an investment portfolio. I don’t have a documented and charted five or ten year goal worksheet or checklist. What I do have is a crystal clear notion that I DON’T want to be where I am now in 10 years, and I DO want to be somewhere else! But I don’t have more than a foggy notion of what that journey will look like or where it will end up. And, for the most part, I’m ok with that.
From what I’ve seen in this life, most things “planned” don’t even turn out the way we first envisioned them. I’ve also learned that the quickest way to disappointment is through expectation, especially when it comes to dealing with other people. So, I guess you could say that I’ve fashioned my life to be somewhat of a loosely planned, one-day-at-a time, creatively-directed and spiritually-open adventure of sorts. While I have a full-time “day job” I have many other “hobbies” that don’t generate any real income at this time, but they do bring a “return” of sorts. In the future that may change and I may actually be able to make a tangible living with these more creative pursuits, but for now, they all serve a purpose.
And what about changes? Things constantly change around us. 2007 was a big year for changes around our home! My partner and I moved back into the house and started much-needed renovations. My son graduated from high school and enrolled in college! (YAY him!) My daughter moved out of the house and into an apartment she shares with her boyfriend. My wife started school, moved out of the house into her own apartment and then started divorce proceedings (YAY her!) And these are only a FEW of the year’s highlights! If you had asked which of these were planned at the beginning of the year, I think only the high school graduation was high on the list of hopeful (if questionable!). The divorce may also have seemed inevitable to some, but even at the beginning of 2007 there was no conscious thought of “this is the year”. But like I said, things change – and people change.
So with all these factors to consider, how am I supposed to know right here and now what I am going to do with 2008? I planned a birthday party for Al this coming Friday. What happens if I get hit with a bus on Thursday? See what I mean? Yes it’s silly not to plan at all – but how far out is too far? I guess that’s different for everyone. Unfortunately, my reach isn’t that far. So far this year I’ve planned: a dinner for Al and I to celebrate on his actual birthday, a dinner party to help celebrate Al’s birthday with friends, time off to be with Al when he is having back surgery and a VERY tentative schedule of my vacation days for the year. Beyond that – nothing has been planned. I know I will end up doing other things. Al and I like to stay active and love to get involved in volunteer activities, particularly if they are coupled with art-related events. So we’re always looking for those types of things to plug into.
Then there’s travel! I love to “get out and about” whether that’s across town, across the state, across the country or around the world! I’ve been known to leave town on a whim with no bags packed at all. That works when it’s a weekend trip and you aren’t going too far, but generally trips take a bit more planning and preparation. So here I am challenged once again. Last summer a friend approached me about a cruise coming up in February of 2008. I immediately told him to discuss it with Al because that kind of planning stressed me out. I joked with him about my blood pressure – but I was only partially joking. It really does stress me out to have to make concrete plans that far into the future. I have no idea why I’m wired like that. I just am. It’s weird.
So, 2008, I welcome you. I’m not sure what you have in store for me. And I’m not at all certain what I have planned for you. But between the two of us, I think we can make it one helluva good year!
Happy New Year everyone!
Make it the best it can be!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
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