WOW! I can't believe I've had this weblog for over a year. I started out just to learn about "blogging" and thought it might be a cool thing - but it soon seemed I was just talking to the wall. So I walked away for a while. Since then I've started a website (2 actually!) one for personal expression and the other for business (photography and art gallery!). I've considered putting an online journal of sorts out on my website and then I thought - hey! why not just link to the web log! So I think I will do that. Then I can check in here... add some thoughts, comments, concerns or rants and then anyone checking out my website can link here if they want to. That will also encourage me to be more faithful about posting information here and keeping things "fresh"! It would be cool to see comments posted or to enter into some discussion about things here - but I suppose that may come in time.
So - what's new with me? Well I'm not sure I mentioned it earlier in any of my blog entries... but I'm a man going through changes. I guess it was three years ago now that I began to discover/uncover things about my past and my childhood that my mind had chosen to keep hidden from me. I won't go into detail here in "public" but those discoveries centered around sexual abuse. It shook me up pretty hard and I ended up in therapy for about 12 months. I've been out of therapy now for about 18 months and I'm doing much better!
During therapy and the opening-up process, I also discovered that I had feelings for other men, both emotional and sexual feelings, that had not been explored. Again, this rattled me to my core. Until this whole process began, I was very anti-gay and completely homophobic. I did not make friends with many men. I didn't trust them or "bond" with them. Sure, I could drink with them, shoot the shit, play sports and such - but never get beyond a purely social encounter with them. My wife was my only "friend" and we pretty much did everything together. Looking back at my past and my childhood history - that makes much more sense to me now.
I guess where this is leading is that I have "come out" to my wife (did that about 2.5 years ago) and more recently to some friends of ours. I will also be having the "talk" with my two teenagers this weekend. So maybe next week you will see more about that.
Since November of 2004 I've been seeing a guy who I met online and chatted with for about a year. I've been very cautious in meeting new people because one of the first people I ever met in person led me to believe he wanted to be a friend and sort of mentor to me in the "coming out" process - but instead after a year of friendship - turned into a sociopathic stalker! So I have to be protective of my family, my friends and my self. But this guy I've been seeing since November is very different. He's helping me learn to love myself - all aspects of myself. And he's helping me learn to trust again - and in trusting - I'm learning to be truly and completely honest with myself and with everyone around me. That is such a freeing feeling. So! There you have it. I have a wife whom I love; kids whom I love and a man whom I love. And the best part is... they ALL love me! I'm a lucky man!!!
More to come.... (soon? time will tell!)
Woof you later!
- bbw
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