01/30/2006 - MONDAY MONDAY...

Well January 2006 is almost gone! WOW - it's been a whirlwind month. By all rights I should not be feeling so good today - having just gotten over a cold and only getting 4 hours of sleep last night. Also dealing with some difficult projects at work and business meetings and conference calls - to which I like to joke, I'm allergic! But, it was just one of those positive and high-energy days and nothing could get me down. My spirit has been soaring all day and I managed to get quite a bit accomplished. I'm feeling better after the cold and the rest of my family and loved-ones are all happy and healthy!

That's not to say my feathers didn't get ruffled a bit - especially when I got the news that a whole new batch of former church members are now phoning around gossiping about how they heard a rumor that I was living a "homosexual lifestyle". Apparently this was a topic of discussion at the pastor's home where church was held this past Sunday. It seems that at some time after church, calls were relayed across the metroplex to people I haven't had any contact with in over 5 years, trying to find out if anyone knew or could validate the rumor! I guess my question would be "What exactly is a 'homosexual lifestyle'?"

I mean seriously! I've always had a problem with labels being used to define people, so this didn't sit too well with me on that count. But this also had me chuckling and shaking my head as I pictured these poor unfulfilled people scattering and burning up the phone lines trying to find some threads of truth about my life - no, make that "lifestyle"! What on earth do these folks do with their time? What kind of life allows one to sit in church and discuss someone elses life, AND in sexual terms, and then causes them to take action to involve as many people as they can to try and get to the "truth" - which of course they can't get to without going to the source - which would be my family and I. Finally, a call was placed to some friends of ours who did contact my wife to offer support and apologize for what they called "the gossip". Even though these friends have yet to talk to me - I applaud them for at least calling my wife and letting her know what was going on.

As for the gossip, if I try to make a comparison, I try to imagine me discussing some of them and asking if it is true they are living a hetersexual lifestyle, or in the case of some, an asexual lifestyle. "Could it be true - she ain't gettin' any?" I simply can't imagine that subject being discussed in the church I used to attend. I can't imagine anyone putting up with that. In some ways it is sad. In some ways it is comical, and still in other ways, it is disturbing. These are your "christian" leaders in the community! I just have to say "no thanks!" I'll stick with God and with a deep spirituality and sense of love and integrity as taught by Jesus. I don't have much use for cowards, hypocrites and glass-housed finger pointers. They are the ones giving christians a bad name.

Last year, after my pastor and his wife called my wife over to their house to "out" me to her and to offer her their support, I dealt with my initial reaction and went back to church. I was still the same me, the same man they had always known, but now, some of them knew a little bit more. Since I was not ashamed of my life, it was rather easy for me to continue going. But once the pastor's wife stopped making eye contact and avoiding me without ever saying a word to me about the whole matter, and went to my wife accusing me of avoiding her - I figured it was way too much trouble for her to deal with. Add to that, the fact that my best friends (the pastor and his wife) decided not to discuss the "issues" with me but to talk about me with others instead, and I decided not to return to that church. Once again, these are the people that others in the church look to for leadership. What example is being set?

If you have read this far, you might have forgotten that today, Monday, was a really GOOD day for me. It really was. I've long since dealt with the break-down of past relationships based on the inability of others to face me or deal directly with me. Some send their love to me via my wife. Others act as if I've fallen off the face of the planet. That for the most part is behind me. So the "stirring" today has caused me to think, to ponder, to laugh and to walk through my thoughts and feelings again - but it was also very self-affirming. I found I was rather surprised by my emotional reaction. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hurt. I was just a bit agitated in a pebble-in-the-shoe kind of way. But mostly I laughed at the ridiculous nature of the people whose names were given to me today - the names of those who are all "caught-up" in my "lifestyle" rumor! And the fact that I didn't feel angry or hurt helped me to see that I have grown. I feel that I am learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. So much of what has happened to me, my feelings, my relationships, my choices, etc. is still a bit new to me. I'm still adjusting. My wife and kids are still adjusting. And best of all - even if no one else ever came around to offer support - we have each other. We are still and always will be, a family. I love them. They love me. And I'm learning a little more each day to love me too.

Monday was a good day...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/24/2006 - SPIRITUAL DEPTHS...

As I got ready for work this morning - I was listening to music on my much-loved iPod when a christian song came on. It was one I had not heard in a while. I think it was by DC Talk. The lyrics state "I know you need some Jesus in your life" and I got to thinking about what that meant.

On the drive in this morning - the questions were still buzzing around in my head and I reached the conclusion that what was missing from most christian churches, theologies and orthodox teachings was just that, Christ - or rather, Jesus.

I've always been a deeply spiritual person - even more so since belonging to my former church where Pastor John taught us about spirit, the "true voice" of Christ and the foundational nature of love and forgiveness. And since that is a part of my nature, I've been missing the sense of belonging to a spiritual community. I would love to say I miss my old church and my "friends" there - but in truth, I only miss what they once represented to me. Before I left the church, they were always so friendly and not one day would go by without me getting at least one email or phone call from someone at church. But after being somewhat "outed" to my pastor and his wife, apparently tongues got to wagging and these so-called friends and christians began talking about me rather than to me. So I can't say I miss them at all. But I do miss the idea of them as friends and as my spiritual "family".

So the lyrics of the song spoke to me this morning, and I started to think of them in a larger context - that the world needs some Jesus. What does this mean? Should we spread Christianity across the world? Should we spread Jesus across the world? No... I don't think that is what God wants nor do I think it is what Jesus called us to do. Instead, we are to take the model Jesus brought us; the model of love and forgiveness, of acceptance and tolerance, of patience and kindness, and remake ourselves in that image. If we were to do that - we wouldn't have to be caught up in teaching "about" Jesus - instead, we would be teaching those around us how to BE Jesus.

Yes, we need some Jesus in our lives. We need to be able to see him in our actions AND our words, not just one or the other. We need to be able to see him in our reflection when we gaze upon the mirror or a still pond. We need to be able to see him in our children who are the best reflections of ourselves that we shall ever encounter. We need to see him in the eyes of our friends when they look upon us with a pure love.

Today's religions are all working from the wrong spiritual foundation. One of the first things they do when a newcomer walks in the door is to explain why "they" are different from other religions - and then - why "they" are right while others are wrong. This in itself screams hypocrasy because Jesus would have started not by focusing on differences, but by focusing on things held in common. Jesus was all about inclusion - while most world religions today are about exclusion. How could they have missed the mark on such a basic concept?

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, or as a rant of sorts - they are just my thoughts. My soul continues to grow and my spirituality continues to deepen with each day. I have some friends and family with whom I can share this - but I want to reach out into the world and encourage all of mankind, to love each other and to accept each other.

I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people, friends and family that love and accept me in a way I've never experienced before in my life. I want that for you too!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/17/2006 - TIME TRAVELING...

Ah yes... a new year and all the promise and excitement that holds in our imaginations! What will this year bring? What will we do with our time this year? Will we finally make the time to do that thing we have been thinking about for years...

Only you know the answers to those questions for yourself.

As for me, it is strange that I even ask the questions. I've always been a "today" kinda guy. For many, many reasons I have never spent a lot of time thinking about my past. Although, for a long time, my past did seem to consume way too much of my present! On the other side of things - I could never grasp the concept of "seeing" a future. Even now it is strange for me.

I've often been to seminars, meetings or simply in discussion with friends where I was asked to tell or write about where I see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I HATED that! I could never come up with anything. All I could say was "I don't know" and the truth be told - I really didn't. No one knows for sure where they will be in the coming years - or if they will even be around. But that was never the point! I'm beginning to understand that the point was to allow ourselves to dream of a future. That was something I could never do. I always saw myself in the same spot - doing the same job, living in the same place, driving the same vehicle, hanging with the same people and following the same routine. Not that any of that was bad or wrong - but I was so tightly tied to the present (and control issues) that I wouldn't allow things to become fluid and actually allow for "unknown" change in my vision.

That is starting to change for me now. I'm starting to loosen up as I realize control is just an illusion. I'm starting to live with more purpose and with less fear, and a few days ago I realized that my bf had a lot to do bringing about this change in me.

I won't go into all the ways he has helped me to be calm, to feel safe and to learn trust. Many of those things are very subtle and they are too many to name... But I managed to put some of my feelings into words in a poem I wrote for him yesterday. Yesterday also happened to be my mother's birthday. She passed away in 2001 and she also represented a huge "control" issue for me in my life. So as I continue to let go of some of my issues regarding control, fear and distrust, perhaps I am also saying goodbye to some negative feelings and energy.

So today, I send my mother a kiss and a wish for a happy birthday as I remember the good things in her - and hope that wherever she is - her spirit is blessed.

To my bf - I give this poem and I thank him for helping me dream of a future, my future, our future.

-----------------------------------------------

My Time Traveler

Today I looked at myself
And saw a man I didn’t recognize
I found someone stronger
And more self assured
Than the last time I looked
Someone happier
And more whole
And I thought to myself
Why
Where did he come from
What has happened to me
And I realized
It was you
You happened to me
And you have touched
Every part of me

Like a time traveler
You have moved from the now
Into all parts of my life
You have not only changed my today
But my tomorrow
And surprisingly – my yesterday
No longer is the future so terribly foggy
And today when I looked at my past
The days were not as dark
Nor as hideous
It’s not that the past has changed
But those days no longer hold me
No longer sink fangs into my skin
And catch my every breath
You have changed
Every part of me

What a gift God has given you
To be able to impact time
To have the ability to brighten the future
And calm the turbulent past
What a gift from God
That I now have you in my life
A spirit that travels the same path as I
A soul that understands hurt and pain
A hand that soothes and a word that heals
How blessed are we to have each other
And to have honesty and integrity
You reflect back to me the man I want to be
The man I hope I am
Like a mirror that casts
The light of time across
Every part of me

-----------------------------------------------

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/09/2006 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

Well this is rather uncharacteristic of me, putting a personal message out here on the World Wide Web, especially since I am such a private person who likes to keep personal matters to myself. However, having said that, I think that birthdays should be celebrated and that we should always try to celebrate those around us. Today is the anniversary of the birth of my boyfriend. And yes, it is traditional to celebrate such days as special and to treat the person to gifts, parties, surprises and tons of attention, but it is so much more to me. Today I celebrate the beginning of a journey that began 35 years ago. I met him just before he turned 34 - so in truth - it took 33 years of wandering through life for us to find each other. The kicker is we weren't aware of each other - nor were we looking for anyone. Yet, somehow life had other plans for us. We were treated to something special... call it fate, or destiny or whatever you want. What I recognize is the miracle of meeting, getting to know, and being with someone who helps me to be a stronger, better man. He is someone who brings out my best instead of my worst, someone who compliments my personality and tempers my rough edges. So, while today is a celebration of his life - I feel like the greatest of gifts was actually given to me. For that, and for him, I am deeply, deeply grateful. One last gift is this poem I wrote for him tonight...

*** DEEPER ***
Tidal waters move
Pounding the shore
Grinding rock, stone, sand
Wearing down
Washing back out
Only to recharge
Pound again
And then wash away
Finding a place
Deeper

So like life
As days come upon us
Sometimes overwhelming
Tearing down
Retreating for a while
Only to cycle around
And hit us again
With circumstance
While we search for something
Deeper

Then there is you
Entering my world
Never overbearing
Always building me up
Yet giving me space
To fail and to grow
For such is love
Within you I've found a soul
And a place
Deeper

--- Happy Birthday Baby!

For us all, let's treat every day like our loved one's birthday - making sure they know they are loved, and appreciated, and that THEY are the true gifts in our lives.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/01/2006 - TO BEGIN AGAIN...

Here we are - a new year has begun! I'm not sure about you, but I've never been big on new year's resolutions. It's just never made much sense to me. Why wait until the beginning of a new year to put into practice something you know you should have done on May 18th?! Now I'm not trying to stomp on anyone's tradition. I believe it is fine for those you practice it - but for me - I want to practice daily resolutions. That is... as each day unfolds and I come across something I need to change in order for my life to be more fulfilled - I want to put that change into effect ASAP!

I hope that as 2006 begins to open up to us, that we can all move into it with intention and determination. I hope we can all find the strength and motivation to develop new self-disciplines if that is what we need to get our lives in order. This is particularly important to me because I tend to over-stretch my life, my time and my involvement in so many different areas. Also, my office at home and my garage are both a wreck - and I need to be more disciplined in cleaning them up - organizing them and keeping them that way!

I also pray that each of you find peace, love and fulfillment this year. That you find a way to make your own lives better and also enhance the lives of those around you.

Happy New Year everyone! May it be the best one yet!!!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw