Over the past few years, I've become more keenly aware of how people distance themselves from one another, and some of the reasons they do this. It's not a new phenomenon or anything - but it had never occurred to me in the past. I never had cause to really consider it - or maybe I was just not as aware before.
But lately, it has become something of a bigger matter in my life. I look at my relationships with my wife and with my children. I look at my relationships with friends and associates. In doing so, I find myself awed, surprised, bewildered and confused by the many different ways that we humans turn and maneuver our relationships, particularly when one or more involved parties are going through life's changes. In many ways, it resembles a ballet - or rather, some less disciplined and less controlled form of dance.
This has been very evident for me in my relationships with my "former" best friends, my pastor and his wife - and has also been very evident in others from my church. I say "former" not because there has been any verbal or written declaration of moving away from me and out of my life. In fact - there has been some direct and indirect correspondence suggesting that they want to continue with a loving and supporting relationship. Yet, for some reason only they know, they have declined to put any action behind it. I suppose it is a matter of waiting for me to make the first move. The message has reached me in this way: "We have support over here for you - if you want to come and get it!" - and though I have tried, I cannot understand that position. I can respect it but I cannot accept it. Maybe in the future that will change.
My wife and I have purposely been putting distance between us. Not because our love for each other is diminishing, in fact it is growing! We are applying measures of distance to help each other ease into a marital separation. We want to support each other, and challenge each other to grow as individuals. We both realize that would be very difficult, or near impossible, if we were to cling to our state of couple-hood and not allow for "room" or "distance" between us. We've also realized that it is now even MORE important to come back together and re-connect at times - just to gain stability and check on each other's progress. This has been hard for both of us - but overall - we are seeing more and more rewards in terms of building up individual strength, self-confidence and building new relationships with others.
Some of the challenges that my wife and I face include the fact that we don't move at the same pace. One of us may be experiencing growth that is readily apparent, while the other is still trying to build up enough courage to take an initial step. We have dealt with this and discussed it through tears of frustration and hugs of continued encouragement.
So I feel very good about the distance that we are allowing, and even insisting on between the two of us. We have found new ways to navigate around differences of opinion and perception as a result of discovering our "individual" selves. We no longer feel so much pressure to reach the same point of view, or the same perspective. We've learned so much about respecting the differences between us. I think that will only allow for our friendship to continue to grow, strengthen and flourish!
As for my friends from church, I'm not as encouraged. I'm not sure what to make of their silence. The silence seems to be directed at me - because I know they are talking. They are talking amongst themselves - asking each other about me and how I'm doing. They are asking each other how my children are handling it, or how my wife is handling it. Yet, not one of them has picked up a phone, or a pen, or a keyboard to directly ask me how I'm doing.
I don't usually worry about things like that - and truthfully, I'm not worried at all now - but I do wonder. I wonder because I've seen these people in action when they percieve a need in their community. I've never known them to sit back and wait and let someone, who is supposedly dear to them, come to them when there is a need. Perhaps they don't think I have a need, and for the most part, I would have to say that is true. Perhaps, and most likey I'm guessing, they don't know how to approach me. They don't know what to say. I can understand that - and I can respect that. What I have a harder time respecting is the talking about me...
In any case, I feel more alive today than I have in years. I feel that I have gone through some terribly dark times. I know there will be more ahead - but I hope that the worst ones are behind me. Even if that is not true - I am better prepared and I know I can get through them. Regardless of what others talk about, regardless of how many times they might say they want to support me and love me, yet take no action to do either, and regardless of what anyone might think about my life, my path, my choices or my beliefs - I know that I will survive. I will continue to learn about myself. I will continue to love my wife, my children, my partner and the friends who choose to be with me without requiring anything of me in return. I will do all this because I have what I need. I have my faith in the future and in God. I have my faith in myself and my inner strength. I have my faith in those I call "loved-ones" as they stick by me and encourage me by being in my life and loving me just because they do. Praise be to God - I have EVERYTHING I need!
Genuinely love one another and show each other that love every day!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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