09/28/2005 - DISTANCES...

Over the past few years, I've become more keenly aware of how people distance themselves from one another, and some of the reasons they do this. It's not a new phenomenon or anything - but it had never occurred to me in the past. I never had cause to really consider it - or maybe I was just not as aware before.

But lately, it has become something of a bigger matter in my life. I look at my relationships with my wife and with my children. I look at my relationships with friends and associates. In doing so, I find myself awed, surprised, bewildered and confused by the many different ways that we humans turn and maneuver our relationships, particularly when one or more involved parties are going through life's changes. In many ways, it resembles a ballet - or rather, some less disciplined and less controlled form of dance.

This has been very evident for me in my relationships with my "former" best friends, my pastor and his wife - and has also been very evident in others from my church. I say "former" not because there has been any verbal or written declaration of moving away from me and out of my life. In fact - there has been some direct and indirect correspondence suggesting that they want to continue with a loving and supporting relationship. Yet, for some reason only they know, they have declined to put any action behind it. I suppose it is a matter of waiting for me to make the first move. The message has reached me in this way: "We have support over here for you - if you want to come and get it!" - and though I have tried, I cannot understand that position. I can respect it but I cannot accept it. Maybe in the future that will change.

My wife and I have purposely been putting distance between us. Not because our love for each other is diminishing, in fact it is growing! We are applying measures of distance to help each other ease into a marital separation. We want to support each other, and challenge each other to grow as individuals. We both realize that would be very difficult, or near impossible, if we were to cling to our state of couple-hood and not allow for "room" or "distance" between us. We've also realized that it is now even MORE important to come back together and re-connect at times - just to gain stability and check on each other's progress. This has been hard for both of us - but overall - we are seeing more and more rewards in terms of building up individual strength, self-confidence and building new relationships with others.

Some of the challenges that my wife and I face include the fact that we don't move at the same pace. One of us may be experiencing growth that is readily apparent, while the other is still trying to build up enough courage to take an initial step. We have dealt with this and discussed it through tears of frustration and hugs of continued encouragement.

So I feel very good about the distance that we are allowing, and even insisting on between the two of us. We have found new ways to navigate around differences of opinion and perception as a result of discovering our "individual" selves. We no longer feel so much pressure to reach the same point of view, or the same perspective. We've learned so much about respecting the differences between us. I think that will only allow for our friendship to continue to grow, strengthen and flourish!

As for my friends from church, I'm not as encouraged. I'm not sure what to make of their silence. The silence seems to be directed at me - because I know they are talking. They are talking amongst themselves - asking each other about me and how I'm doing. They are asking each other how my children are handling it, or how my wife is handling it. Yet, not one of them has picked up a phone, or a pen, or a keyboard to directly ask me how I'm doing.

I don't usually worry about things like that - and truthfully, I'm not worried at all now - but I do wonder. I wonder because I've seen these people in action when they percieve a need in their community. I've never known them to sit back and wait and let someone, who is supposedly dear to them, come to them when there is a need. Perhaps they don't think I have a need, and for the most part, I would have to say that is true. Perhaps, and most likey I'm guessing, they don't know how to approach me. They don't know what to say. I can understand that - and I can respect that. What I have a harder time respecting is the talking about me...

In any case, I feel more alive today than I have in years. I feel that I have gone through some terribly dark times. I know there will be more ahead - but I hope that the worst ones are behind me. Even if that is not true - I am better prepared and I know I can get through them. Regardless of what others talk about, regardless of how many times they might say they want to support me and love me, yet take no action to do either, and regardless of what anyone might think about my life, my path, my choices or my beliefs - I know that I will survive. I will continue to learn about myself. I will continue to love my wife, my children, my partner and the friends who choose to be with me without requiring anything of me in return. I will do all this because I have what I need. I have my faith in the future and in God. I have my faith in myself and my inner strength. I have my faith in those I call "loved-ones" as they stick by me and encourage me by being in my life and loving me just because they do. Praise be to God - I have EVERYTHING I need!

Genuinely love one another and show each other that love every day!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/26/2005 - THE CALM AFTER THE STORM...

I'm not sure about any of you, but I don't think this nation can take another hurricane right now! Yes, Katrina was horrible and caused a great deal of tragedy. Rita was shaping up to be an even bigger mess, but miraculously turned out to be less costly in terms of damage and loss of life - but for those directly affected - it was tragic enough. I have a great appreciation for storms and the damage they can do to property and to our emotional sense of security. Personally, I'm one of those "nutz" who like storms! I love heavy winds and extreme weather conditions. I do protect and have concern for the safety of my family and I take precautions for my own safety, but I have to admit there is a part of me that makes me more likely to run into a storm rather than away from it. I think I would make a good tornado chaser if I didn't have a family to care and provide for. Afterall, I recognize a storm for what it is; violent and unpredictable. That is a storms nature. You would be silly to expect something different.

So, although my heart goes out to those who lost property and loved ones (including so many pets) to the recent storms in the gulf region of the United States, I am appalled at the stories I've heard coming from those who tried to evacuate the Galveston and Houston areas of Texas. I'm also disappointed in the behavior of some of the citizens right here in the Dallas Metroplex.

Thursday night, as people were trying to get out of the southeast Texas regions and head north to avoid REAL danger, some of the people in Plano and other Dallas suburbs were acting as if they had lost their minds! Gas stations were drained of fuel. Store shelves were stripped of merchandise like bottled water, flashlights and other "necessities". I suppose I could accept this if it weren't for the way I saw and heard people treating each other. I personally saw people deliberately cut off other motorists to prevent them from getting to the gas pumps first. I saw people hordeing groceries as if they were stocking up for a three-year stint in a bomb shelter. I saw a lot of pushing, shoving and jockying for "first dibs" on things!

I also kept checking with friends who had either evacuated Houston or were in the process of trying to get out. They told me horror stories of gridlock on I-45 heading north. If someone's car ran out of gas, or stalled for whatever reason, the other motorists honked, screamed, yelled and then eventually got out of their vehicles, not to help the stranded motorists, but to move their vehicles off of the freeway! I'm sure there are other stories of people who did good deeds - and I would have liked to hear or read about them - but none of those stories have made it my way.

I like to think that difficult times help to galvanize civilized people, but that was not the case with Hurricane Rita. Fear got the better of many folks. So, while it is not my place to judge anyone or to disparage them or their motives, I must say I was saddened and disappointed with what I saw and heard about. Perhaps many of us learned a little bit more about oursleves in the process - and if there is a "next time", we can better steel ourselves to act out of love and compassion rather than fear and self-preservation.

In the end, at least in the Dallas metroplex - Rita will be remembered as the "storm that never was". We got a bit of wind and even less than a bit of precipitation. Nothing to justify the panic behavior of our "good" citizens. Perhaps in the future, when we are faced again with uncertainty and trepidaton - we can hold each other's hand, help out those in need, and make sure that everyone is cared for in the same way we want to care for ourselves and our loved ones. We are all neighbors, and in a way, all family.

Love and peace to you all!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/16/2005 - PROUD BEGINNINGS...

Gosh! It's been a week since I wrote anything here. I knew I was busy - but I guess I was busier than I thought! If anyone is even reading this, my apologies for the delay. :)

This weekend is "Pride" weekend in the Dallas gay community. There will be people in from out of town and a parade on Sunday. Supposedly it is a big deal. I've never attended any of the events before so it will all be new to me. Hopefully the weather will be nice for the parade. I think my allergies and sinus issues have decided to turn into a head-cold, so I have that to deal with too.

This has also been a week full of different, yet meaningful and deep conversations. Some with my wife, some with my kids and still some others with friends and acquaintances. Sometimes deeply felt, emotional conversations can take a huge toll on my emotional resources. I guess that is why I'm feeling somewhat depleted today. Of course - it could also be the head-cold! Perhaps I should take off early and get some bed-rest today. I'll have to consider that. I do have quite a bit of work to get done so I don't think that will happen.

I also spoke this week with some more people who had been displaced by hurricane Katrina, and were now living off the kindness of friends in Houston. I asked them if they knew some of my friends from New Orleans and one of the guys did - but had not been in touch with them since before the storm. He said a lot of people still had no phone or computer access. In fact - many computers got ruined in the flood waters. So I'm still looking for confirmation that the people I know from that area are alright.

I will continue to think of, and pray for them, and all other affected by the storm and ensuing destruction.

Please remember to keep each other close, safe and warm. Everyone needs someone to love them.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/09/2005 - WORDS IN ACTION...

Friday! Woo Hoo!!! It's been a relatively quiet day although it has also been productive. It's almost 2pm now and I haven't taken a break or a lunch. I've been finalizing process diagrams, answering meeting requests, sending out template requests, filing reimbursement claims, and retyping my cell phone address book because I have to switch to a new phone and guess what? That's correct! No SIM card! I still have so much to do so I will make this brief today.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Actions Speak Louder Than Words"? I'm sure you have - and you may have taken that for granted as well. I think for the most part I have taken it for granted - like a basic truth or something. But recently I've begun to wonder if it is ALWAYS the case. If the actions are there - but no words to accompany them - is that enough? I would suggest that the answer could be "sometimes" or "it depends".

But - on what does it depend?

Well for me, I guess it could depend on my emotional state of being. Let's take for example the word "I love you". Have you ever been with someone who you KNOW loves you because they are always so loving toward you - but they never SAY it? Has that been a problem for you? I was in college the first time I heard one of my parents say "I love you". I was floored. Those words had such power because I had never heard them before from my parents. I do know that I find it very important to tell my kids, my wife and my friends that I love them - even if I feel they should know it already from my actions. For me, those words need to be heard, and need to be said - regardless of how loving the actions are.

In contrast - if someone uses the words all the time - but their actions indicate something else, then the power of those words can be diluted or even altered so that the hearer no longer equates them with something "good" or positive.

Recently I experienced a situation with a loved one who was having a hard time dealing with some emotional issues. I reached out to this person with words of love, and encouragement, but I didn't have a lot of time to be with them and "do" things for them. This person ended up feeling neglected because they wanted to be "shown" love and support. One week later - the same person was again dealing with some emotional burdens - and in this case I had the time to be present, and in a physical sense - by hugging and holding, show them that I love and support them. I just listened and really couldn't think of anything "insightful" to share - so I just silently held, hugged and provided a shoulder to cry on. After some time went by my friend made it clear that they really wanted to hear words of encouragement - and that the "showing" of love just wasn't enough. I was a bit blown away and even a bit miffed - feeling like I was doing what I could - and what I thought was the right thing - and yet it seemed I couldn't get it "right"! Had I provided both words and actions - perhaps that would have turned out better. In any case - it gave me something to think about.

When dealing with people we love - we really need to try and assess their emotional "temperature" and in time, learn to read that and respond in ways that are beneficial to that person - while still staying true to our own nature. This reminds me of a book I read some years ago called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book helps us learn to meet our friend/partner/lover on their terms when it comes to loving. In other words - we learn to love them the way they need to be loved - not the way we THINK they want to be loved. It is very insightful and eye-opening!

Well - enough for now. I hope that we can all learn to reach out to each other in love - sharing our world, our lives and our passions with each other in a positive and uplifting way!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/05/2005 - CH CH CH CHANGES...

In just over a week - the face of the North American Gulf Coast region has changed - forever. Not that change is necessarily bad - but in this case - it was devastating to so many. And 8 days later - the devastation continues. So many people are homeless. So many areas are destroyed, both physically and economically. There is lawlessness in the land and very little that most of us can do about it.

And the changes continue to roll in...

Read the paper and watch the news. See and hear the personal stories of heartache, courage, despair and heroism that issue forth from those in the midst of the turmoil in New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulfport and their surrounding areas. Pan across the United States - particularly the neighboring states - as storm refugees are helped, and sometimes forced, to relocate to "unknown lands". I met some of these people in person this weekend. People who have nothing to return home for, because there is no home. People who have lost everything except the clothes on their backs. They now have to rely on the charity of others. I sometimes wonder if we have that much charity to give. In my heart I want to believe we do - but just like the rumblings of the West Germans when "The Wall" came down in Berlin... I'm hearing murmers of discontent at having to accomodate the refugees.

Change has come to Dallas, Texas, and to Houston, Baton Rouge and many other cities, as a result of Hurricane Katrina. And as a general rule - people don't like change.

I've wondered over the weekend about how Dallas Mayor, Laura Miller must be feeling right now. In the past she has proposed changes to the law that include making it a criminal offense to remove a shopping cart from the private property of the grocery store or other retail operation. She has presented for consideration, the idea of making charity a crime - if that charity takes the form of giving money to the homeless. You see - Ms. Miller wants to clean up Dallas streets - and get rid of street people. And now look what we've gone and done - we've opened up our arms, our hearts, our wallets, our hotels and yes- our cities - to busload after busload of homeless people. How many will remain homeless - I don't know. I will pray that each and every one of these souls find a place to call home. In the meantime - I pray that we all learn to deal with the changes in a positive and uplifting manner.

There are also other changes in the wind...

More on those once the wind settles down...

Until then...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw