02/20/2008 – FLIP-FLOP…

Is it that time again? And will it be business as usual? God, I’m so afraid the answer is yes. I passed a sign on someone’s fence today. It stated, simply enough “Had enough yet? Vote Democrat!” I looked at the sign and I just let the meaning sink in. I questioned myself – had enough of what? Bush? War? Republicans? What was it that this family has had enough of? Were they wanting to imply that their “enough” is the same as everyone else’s “enough”? What really bothered me was the suggestion that the answer to “enough” was now in the hands of the democrats. But that’s what I meant by “business as usual” here in America. And what prompted the title of today’s blog.

You see, I’ve come rather close to concluding that our American symbol might ought to be changed from that of a noble eagle to that of a flip-flop. Yes, you know… the foam-rubber shoe some of us used to refer to as a “shower-shoe” and used to only see in public showers or pools and on beaches, but which are now fashion accessories found in every color and material on the feet of young and old across the country. How totally apt!

Why a flip-flop you ask? Good question! It goes back to the sign on the fence. Have you had enough yet? Vote Democrat! We have to assume here that by “enough”, the person sending the message has wrapped up all the woes and ills of this country into a nice, neat package containing the war, all the hatred for the bushes, both former and present, all the presumed “lies” about weapons of mass destruction, and let’s not forget the thing that most clearly and directly put our country’s safety at risk, the mispronunciation of the work “nucular”! (Don’t get me started on how these same people LOVED Dan Quayle, even when he couldn’t spell Potato!) So – all of that is lumped into a package and labeled “Fault of the Republicans!” Are you still with me? So what’s the obvious solution if you are one of those who HAVE INDEED had enough? Well, the sign tells you! Vote Democrat!

You might begin to wonder here if I’m a Republican and if this is one of those anti-Democrat rants that are going to get your panties all knotted again. I assure you, I am not. Nor will I take responsibility for the condition of your panties! What I am is an independent person, in both my political and my spiritual views of the world and of our country specifically. Please do NOT confuse that with being a MEMBER of the Independent Political party. I AM NOT! I am an independent thinker, who is a member of NO political party, and incidentally, would never vote for a candidate simply because I read a sign somewhere on a fence telling me that I should!

But that sign kind highlighted for me where we are as a society, at least politically, here in the USA today, and it left me feeling somewhat empty and powerless. We are still largely a two-party system. And if you look back through our history, we have done a great deal of voting for a particular party (either Fat-Ass Elephants or Jack-Ass Donkeys) and when we’ve HAD ENOUGH – we simply vote for the other one! And the race this year seems to be no exception.

It actually doesn’t matter if you like George Jr. or not. He’s leaving. And if you think that he alone makes and executes domestic and foreign policy and law from the oval office and you blame him directly for the things you don’t like about the current US government, well then you are simply either stupid, or supremely naïve about how democratic process in the USA works. No single man or woman has that kind of clout or power, period! But that point aside, we are getting closer and closer to a two-man (pardon me Hillary) race. I don’t know how YOU feel – but I’m not excited about ANY of the prospects! That’s not to say that one or all of them won’t make a decent president, but I have yet to hear something from them or see something of character from any of them that suggests they would make a GREAT leader! I think this country NEEDS and DESERVES a great leader!

So what is the answer? I won’t pretend to have a simple remedy, but I don’t think the answer will be found in our current two-party system. I don’t think it will be found in our in-bred flip-flop mentality. I believe we need to raise our expectations and start really holding our elected officials accountable. If they work for us, then by golly, we should only hire the best! If that BEST PERSON is not a Democrat or Republican, or they don’t have a lot of money, then we need to have an electoral system that STILL allows them to be seen, and heard and tested.

Right now, if you haven’t noticed, each candidate moving through the primaries, is preparing a different speech and a different “face” for the particular state in which they are stumping. What the hell is that all about? I want a candidate that has one speech and one face for the entire nation. I want a candidate that is elected by the country as a whole, not by a pocket here for this reason, and a pocket there for that reason. That’s what we are reduced to today. And when the election is over… and time has run its course… eventually we will have had enough. And we will flip, or flop, once more.
I’ve had enough!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/18/2008 - ANCHORS....

anchor
an•chor [ángker]
noun (plural an•chors)
Definition:
1. device to hold ship in place: a heavy, traditionally double-hooked, device for keeping a ship or floating object in place
2. device keeping object in place: any device that keeps an object in place

Driving to work this morning I was thinking about anchors, not necessarily in the traditional sense of big iron hooks that drag and catch at the bottom of the murky seas, but more in the figurative or symbolic sense. I was thinking about the things in my life, both concrete, and imagined, that seem somehow to hold me in place and keep me from moving forward with my life’s dreams, goals and passions. You see, my soul has been stirring again lately, as it often does when I’m either doing something I shouldn’t or not doing something I should. If I’m really honest with myself, and from time to time I try to be, I might even admit that my soul has been stirring for a long time… a very long time.

But as some of you may know… not all stirrings are equal!

As I drove this morning, I marveled at my good mood. I was smiling for no reason other than the day was good and I had a sense of being alive. More than this, I had a sense of purpose about my life this day, which is something that has been missing for way too long. Too many days, weeks and months have gone by where I have dragged myself from bed, showered, shaved, dressed, gone through the motions at a job I detest, come home and then dreaded the repetition I knew waited for me the next day. WTF?! I deserve better than that out of life. The people I love deserve better than that out of ME!

At some point this weekend a seed of an idea drifted into my mind. It was the idea that all the excuses I keep making for not doing the things I want to do right now are just that – excuses! And that they are false. So what if I’m in the middle of a divorce? Does that mean my life needs to be put on hold? No. So what if I’ve been at my job for 9+ years and things “might” be starting to get better – does that mean I shouldn’t just jump out there and look for a “Dream Job”? No.

This led to my thoughts this morning about anchors – or those things that I keep allowing to drag me down, hold me back and keep my life from being the life I want to be living. My anchors include people, voices from the past, thoughts, ideas, doubts, fears, insecurities, worries and probably a host of other things! But basically any of those things that have a negative impact on my health, wellness and fulfillment in life.

The GOOD NEWS is… I’ve made a decision to do something about it! I’m going to start trying to identify my anchors, and as quickly, honestly and deliberately as possible, extract them from my life. I want to throw away the excuses for not living the life I want to live and not pursuing happiness. If I fail to achieve some of my goals – I can handle that – but I don’t want to miss out because I was too afraid to try, or had my head so deeply buried in self-doubts, fears and excuses to even see that I COULD have tried!

I’ve done a few things right in my life. My kids – VERY RIGHT! Therefore, by default, my wife – very right for the time, but that time is over. My partner now – VERY RIGHT! My love for other people – it’s right, but I don’t think I’m doing everything I SHOULD be doing in that area. So I’ll keep looking for the right way to apply myself. The rest of my current life is wide open for change. My job, this city, this country – everything is open for discussion and change. My dreams and passions include creativity, photography and travel. Is there a job for me somewhere that will fit those passions and dreams? I don’t know – but I won’t let my job stop me from pursuing LIFE!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right track with things, and every now and then I get a small cosmic tap on the shoulder that tells me everything will be ok. Today was no exception.

I arrived at the office this morning to find an email from a friend, who is also sort of an arch-nemesis when it comes to political views, and we rib each other quite a bit about such issues. But today he sent me these words accompanied by a short article which I will include as well:

“The Fear of Succeeding is the worst fear of all - because we all have it within ourselves to be really great.”

Monday, February 18, 2008
Decide and do
The route to success in any area of life can be summed up in a simple, easy-to-remember formula. Decide what you wish to do, and then do it.

That may seem entirely obvious, and indeed it is. Yet even though the path to success is so clear and simple, many people have great difficulty following it.

The decision of what to do can be greatly hindered by doubts, fears, insecurities and worries, as well as by confusion over priorities. To get past all that, remember that every doubt is a creation of your own mind, and deep within you is an authentic purpose that can transcend any challenge.
When it comes to taking action, there can be all sorts of justifications and excuses for not doing so. To move forward anyway, it's important to keep in mind that every moment is an opportunity to create value for your life and your world.

When you choose to do nothing with this moment, the opportunity it contains is gone forever, never to return. Choose instead to invest yourself in effective action, and the potential value of this moment is transformed into real, actual, lasting value in your life.

Decide how you can best express the values and dreams that mean so much to you. Then take step after step to successfully bring your decisions to life.

-- Ralph Marston

So it seems that my idea about pulling up the anchors of one’s soul isn’t an entirely new idea, nor did I intend to imply that it was. I’m just excited today because it has found its way into my way of thinking and reinvigorated me today. I entered 2008 feeling that changes would indeed be coming this year, but I felt that most of those changes would come at me like the Texas weather – with little warning and nothing I could do about it but wait until it changed again. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel I can have a more deliberate hand in my life and my future, if I only step up and decide to do so. Today I have made that decision.

I don’t pretend to believe that every day from here on out will be easy. I bet things are going to be a lot harder at times than they are today – especially when I make decisions of the heart over decisions of convenience as I may have done in the past. But if health, wellness and fulfillment are truly my goal, I will learn to deal with those times as well. Wish me luck! I wish you the same!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/14/2008 – HEART HAPPY…

Valentines Day! It’s kind of funny to think about this day and how its meaning has changed through my life. As a kid it was all about getting cards and giving out cards and of course, THE CANDY! Dude! Those conversation hearts were just the best! I don’t care if they were solid sugar and tasted like chalk. Hell, to this day I still love Necco Wafers! LOL

Then as I got a bit older, I’m guessing Junior High and High School – it got to be a bit more serious. It was more about impressing my girlfriend at the time. Getting flowers and candy and the right card for her. Sending a candy-gram during school and stuff like that. Spending the day with her – and just making sure everything about the day was special. That was fun, but there was also probably a bit more pressure associated with the holiday. It was less carefree – kinda like life.

Since I went to catechism to learn more about the catholic faith (my mom was catholic but my dad was protestant) I learned a little bit about St. Valentine and his contribution to the holiday. But I really never make that connection when the day comes around – it’s way too commercial for that!

Oh, and since I’ve become an adult, I am NOT a card buyer! I don’t like to buy greeting cards for ANY occasion! I do buy them every now and then but I would much rather make them. This year I did buy a Valentine card for Al because there are these two cartoon characters named Hoops and Yoyo that most closely resemble a cat and a rabbit that Al just loves! It’s a talking card and it was SOOO funny I had to buy it! If you come by the house to see us, ask about the card and we’ll show it to you!

As an adult now, Valentine’s Day means something completely different than when I was a child. I’m not much about candy at all. I don’t buy cards much. Ok, I will break down and buy a bouquet or two of tulips – but only because Al really loves them, and so do I. But to me, the holiday is more about service, and about reaching out to each other and to friends. I love to send messages to friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I love to send notes to my kids and tell them I love them. The focus is no longer on the candy, cards or gifts that come wrapped… but the focus is more on the thought and care that came across in the message – “I am thinking loving thoughts of you today” or “I miss you, and I wanted you to know”.

So, as this Valentine’s day draws to a close, I know I didn’t have the time to call, text, email or IM everyone I would have liked to connect with. Hopefully my blog will find you, or you will find it, and you will know that you are loved! Happy Valentine’s Day and have a wonderful and love-filled year! Pass it on!

WOOF to ya!
~bbw

02/12/2008 - ANOTHER PASSING...

Another day, another week, and another message that a friend has passed away. My first response always seems to be the same. My first thoughts are “There must be some mistake! That can’t be right!” Of course, I want there to be an error. There must be some crazy mix up! There is a part of me that desperately wants to find out that my friend is actually ok.

It seems that it was only yesterday that I last talked to him. Of course “yesterday” is inevitably more like weeks, or even months ago, which makes the loss sting just that much more. It brings home the fact that once more I’ve taken for granted the time I had to spend with a friend who no longer walks these streets with us. It seems weird that I can’t just pick up the phone and text or call him, or sit down at the computer and email or chat with him. I miss him more than I did when he moved across the country. I knew he’d come back for a visit from Atlanta. Or I could visit him. But what now?

I will miss his devilish grin and constant teasing. I will miss his silliness. I will miss walking up to his big muscular frame and declaring him my favorite lesbian. Mostly, I think, I will miss the gentle man he kept hidden inside of the rough macho exterior he presented to the world. I will miss him. I do miss him. I miss you John, my friend.

WOOF to ya bud, wherever you are!
~ bbw

02/01/2008 - HOLES IN TIME...

It’s been an odd week for me. Busy, sad and almost surreal. Two significant things happened this week, both of which have left places of emptiness in this time of my life. I want to explore them in reverse order. On Thursday, there was the divorce hearing in court that was similar to an out-of-body experience. There were times when I felt like an outside observer to the life I used to have, watching the woman I used to know and somewhere in the courtroom was the man I used to be. It was humbling and awakening all at the same time. On Wednesday night, while preparing information for the hearing the next morning, I received the news that a friend had died the night before. What’s worse is that he took himself away from us, making it even more confusing and heartbreaking to feel the pain and guilt when thinking about him, and missing him, wondering if there was anything I could have done that would have made a difference.

So, Court first: I sat in court this week and watched my wife, sitting with a friend of ours who came with her to provide emotional support. At one point the friend had to leave for the restroom or something and our attorneys were off doing whatever it is they do. And she and I sat alone on our court “pews”, me a couple of rows behind her, and I remembered that, for the biggest part of my life, she was my best friend and I hers. I looked at the back of her head, imagining how alone and vulnerable she must feel, and I prayed for her… tears filling my eyes. I knew it wouldn’t change what we had come there to do that day, but I wanted to send her peace and strength. I wanted her to not feel alone.

When the time came to face the judge, we made our way to the front and my wife looked at me once and smiled a silent hello. That was it. This was our brief moment before we turned things over to those who we have paid to protect our interests, at all costs.

The actual court proceedings really didn’t hold any surprises and I don’t think anyone came out feeling like they really won or lost. After all, it was a hearing and we settled very little in the larger scheme of things. If anything, I had one little surprise because I had this mental image of how my wife’s attorney might look, without ever having met her, and she fit that image exactly! She was neither young nor old, but very uptight and everything about her looked pinched, from her upturned nose to her shoes that one would imagine were at least three sizes too small. At one point during questioning I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing because she was coming at me very aggressively but she did it in the same way that school children argue. There was something so juvenile about the way she would use obvious sarcasm that it was cartoonish. It was almost like watching someone doing a spoof of a lawyer on comedy central. But I managed to hold it together.

Back to my friend, Bruce: Apparently, he found that he no longer had a place in this world, or that the world no longer had a place for him. I’ll never really know what he truly felt in his last minutes, days, weeks or even months. I’m ashamed to say it’s been months since I had talked to him, and that just adds to my sadness and guilt now. Ironically, on Tuesday, his final day with us, I was journaling and came across an entry from 2005 where I had written about him. I was reading that and thinking about him, which caused me to think about the last time I talked to him and then of course led me to think I need to call him and catch up, invite him to dinner and see how he’s doing. One day later I find out it’s too late and it just took the wind out of me. I asked about a funeral service to see if I could at least make plans for that, but found out the family was taking his body out of town and holding the funeral the very next day. So that was not even an option for us. So I’ve been carrying around this gnawing loss for two days now. Being able to write about it helps me get it out.

My friend Bruce was a shy guy in public. It didn’t matter where you were or what the crowd was like, big or small – he was always more comfortable one-on-one. He was also a blusher, which made him fun to tease. He was such a handsome man, with a great smile. I think the only thing bigger than his smile was his heart. He was such a sweet, gentle person. But he had his fun and wild side too. He was just an all-around good guy, an all-American boy and a wonderful friend. All of these things I will remember. All of these things I will hold dear. All of these things I will miss.
We miss you Bruce!

WOOF to ya!
~ bbw