01/05/2007 - GROWING OLDER OR WIZER...

What does “growing up” really mean? I'm guessing it means different things to different people. Just like all things. But I can remember when I was little, growing up meant getting older. There wasn’t a lot to thought put into it then. It was just all about getting older and being able to do things that the older people did.

But now that I'm one of the “older people”, growing up means something more, something different. It has more to do with maturity now than age. I mean, face it – we all age. We all get older. But look around you. How many adults do you know that you can really call “grown up”?

I tease sometimes saying I still don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” – indicating that I have never really settled on doing just one thing in my life. I’m ok with that. I like change. I also tease saying I hope I never “grow up”, meaning that I enjoy being mischievous and living life with a certain child-like playfulness. I'm ok with that too. What concerns me about the world around me, is that some people (lots actually) seem to have missed the necessary “growth” required to mature emotionally.

Too often I'm confronted with “grown” adults who say things that just blow me away, or who act in ways that remind me of high school – or worse – JUNIOR HIGH! Usually it is about their relationships with other people, but can be about their jobs, their pets, or just anything in general.

Now I'm just a laid-back kind of guy who has piles-a-plenty of my own personal shit to deal with. So getting caught up in someone else’s drama is not my thing. And I'm usually pretty quick to let them know too. I have sort of a zero-tolerance policy on drama, pettiness and squirrelly grade-school antics. To them I just want to say “GROW THE FCUK UP!” and I don’t mean for them to magically get older.

From a distance, I’ve watched these people, some of them dear friends of mine, and some of them worthless shits like the asshole that was stalking me for a couple of years (see… zero-tolerance!). And as I watch them I try to understand what makes them behave so. What makes an “adult” fall apart when the person they are smitten with, doesn’t return the sentiment? What makes an “adult” come to the conclusion that they cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t believe, think, vote or feel the way they do? What makes an “adult” try to convince their friends to pick them over other friends with whom they have had a falling-out? How does an “adult” become obsessed with another person to the point that they will do anything, include harm the other person – all in the name of some screwed-up idea they call “love”? I don’t think you can just label them crazy or psychotic and issue them medication and weekly therapy. There are too many highly-functioning, professional, seemingly normal-in-all-other-ways people out there who are behaving this way. So what can it be?

Now, I'm only guessing here, based on my observations and many discussions with some of these individuals, and I believe that much of it is rooted in lack of self-respect, lack of self-esteem, and lack of responsibility for one’s own actions and one’s own feelings. When I’ve confronted friends about how they are acting, they usually start out with blaming the other person for their feelings. Now we all should know by now – our feelings are our responsibility, as are our actions. Of course there are other factors involved, such as past history, depression and such. But I'm still at a loss for how to deal with this behavior in my own friends. If people I don’t know act this way – well that’s for their friends to handle. But when it is people I know, or even people I care about, it really gets me turned-around, and a bit angry at them for behaving so NOT “grown up”.

Well – I don’t have some magical solution for this dilemma. I can’t even say I haven’t behaved in a similar manner (in JUNIOR HIGH!). But I must say, I think the best thing I can continue to do is to be honest with these people, and to support them without supporting the behavior. I hope in time that people are able to see in themselves those behaviors that are holding them back from truly fulfilling lives. And that they find the courage and resources to make positive changes in themselves. Call it a silly, childish dream if you want to… but I will believe in it until I decide to grow up.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw