03/21/2006 - FOOD FOR THOUGHT...

This was sent to me by the man I love. I believe it applies to us all. So I wanted to share...


As you grow up…
You will learn that the one person who wasn't ever supposed to let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it gets harder to handle each time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
And
You will eventually lose someone you love

Go ahead and take too many pictures
Make as many memories as you can
Laugh too much and too loud
And love like you've never been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

So…Wait for the ONE who…
…calls you beautiful instead of hot
…calls you back after you hang up on them
…will stay awake just to watch you sleep
…kisses your forehead
…wants to show you off to the world when you are in baggy pants and a torn T-shirt
…holds your hand in front of their friends
.…is constantly reminding you of how much they care about you
…says how lucky they are to have you
…turns to their friends and points to you and says, "..there he/she is – they are the ONE for me!"

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/20/2006 - TORN...

When you get bad news about someone you don't really know - it is easy to sympathize, but most often, deep feelings are spared. When you get bad news about someone you care about - there is the real pain of hurting for them, and hurting with them, and of course - wanting to do something to help.

Recently I heard some bad news about someone who falls outside of the two categories above. It was about someone I know, and used to care dearly for as a friend, but who has since shown himself to be very emotionally immature and unstable, choosing to attack me both physically and verbally, to such a degree that my feelings for him now are more akin to contempt and pity.

Then last week, without warning, I was told the "word on the street" is that my former friend had contracted the HIV virus, and worse, that he was having unprotected sex with others and lying to them about his status. I didn't know what to think. Moreover, I didn't know what to feel.

Knowing a little about the gay community in Dallas, and having some sense of the large number of people this man has alienated, I thought, and even hoped - that it was just a vicious rumor. Knowing also that it is practically impossible to truly know the HIV status of another person without actually seeing their medical test results, I questioned how accurate this news could really be. So I sat on what I had been told, and I realized that it was really bothering me. So I started to think about why I was so bothered.

I have since come to the conclusion that what bothered me initially was the fact that I didn't know how to feel. I was torn. I felt sad for the guy, and found myself hoping that it wasn't true. I also felt sad for anyone who may have had unprotected sex with him, because if they also heard the news - they would be in a panic over their careless choices - whether the news was factual or not. Then I felt angry... angry that anyone with HIV would lie to others about their status and angry with anyone who wouldn't just simply protect themselves REGARDLESS of what a random sex partner told them.

I thought about contacting the guy and just asking him outright if the news was true. I figured that he would either get mad that I asked, or deny that he was positive, or simply ignore my question. After giving it some thought, I determined to send him a message online and just tell him what I had heard and ask if it was true. I have always felt the best way to dispel a rumor was to go to the source. Since only he would know the "truth" I decided to give him the opportunity to set things straight. I figured that if he confirmed that he was indeed HIV positive, I could offer my condolences and maybe try to see if there was anything I could do to help. If he told me he was not HIV positive, then I would choose to believe him and be relieved that the rumor was false. So last week I asked him - and he chose not to respond.

The lack of response is actually what I expected from him. So I was not surprised or bothered by it. I also expected that he would then start talking to others about how I am spreading a rumor that he has contracted HIV - which he has already started to do. None of that bothers me - and in fact - I feel much better now. I'm no longer torn about how to feel. I think it was appropriate that I was worried for him and that I let him know what I had heard. If he ever does find out that he has HIV, I want him to know he can talk to me about it. Whether or not he ever chooses to do that would be in his court.

It is a peculiar world we live in where we have to assume other people are liars. But when it comes to sex, particularly in the gay community, we need to do just that. Unless someone tells us they have HIV or AIDS - if we want to have a sexual encounter with them, we need to assume that they are positive. And we need to protect ourselves accordingly! Too many people have contracted the HIV virus from others who swore they were negative. Too many young men, thinking that playing "somewhat" safe is safe enough - are now dealing with HIV and AIDS and all the emotions and trauma and health issues and costs that go along with that. Too many men aren't even being tested because not knowing their status allows them to say either they are negative "last time they checked" or to say "I don't know" leaving others to hope for the best.

If my former friend is HIV positive and having unprotected sex, well shame on him. But we cannot rest the blame solely on him, or anyone who is doing that. We need to hold all parties accountable. NO ONE out there in the world has made YOUR HEALTH their number one priority. So if you don't do it - no one will. Everyone - please know that there ARE men in the Dallas area and all over the world who are lying about their HIV status. Please take the responsibility that is yours alone - and protect yourself during sex.

TBRU is coming up this weekend. Please - make it a fun, and safe experience!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/06/2006 - BLESSED DAYS...

I'm back in the office today for the first time in almost two weeks. Normally that would mean I had a good, lengthy vacation - but not this time. My daughter suffers from Crohn's disease and we spent 11 days in the hospital trying to get her stabilized after discovering two abscesses in her abdomen and two new fistulae. I spent most of the time in her hospital room with her, leaving for a few of the nights while my wife came to give me a break, but working remotely from the hospital during the days. The good news is that she is home now and feeling much better! Praise God!

They say that God works in mysterious ways - and it was no different in the past two weeks. Getting to spend time with my daughter, almost completely uninterrupted for 11 days, was a blessing in itself. Much of the time she spent sleeping - so I was left in the quiet, dark room with plenty of time to think, or chat with friends online. When she was alert, we could talk and sit around playing cards. In our busy lives, we haven't had that much alone time with each other, and it was wonderful for us.

During that time, especially when I was the only one in the room awake - I would keep an outside line going with friends and family on the "outside". I was able to keep people updated on her condition and to also catch up with news about them and their families and loved ones. There was also a lot of time for prayer and reflection. It was during these times that I realized how lucky I am.

I'm lucky to have a daughter, and especially one so beautiful, talented and wonderful. It makes me pause when I see her so sick, and think about what my life would be like if I did not have her with me tomorrow. It really brings home to me how precious our time really is. Not that I didn't already know that - but it was a timely reminder. To see her in the hospital, dealing with the doctors, answering their questions and taking control of her treatment and her life - I see a strong and capable woman of 18. Her fierce independence and stubbornness that sometimes aggravates me to no end, makes me very proud to be her father and to know that she can take care of herself if she has to. Her timid, suffering moment - when she reaches for my hand to squeeze when she is scared or when the pain is too much to bear alone, breaks my heart and floods it with warmth and pride all at the same time. She is my daughter and I will always be her daddy.

I'm lucky to have my son too. He will be turning 17 this year! He is so excited about his birthday and about becoming a man. It thrills me to spend time with him and watch him with his still-childlike exuberance balanced on the edge of a man-like seriousness. He's always been the one who never wanted to grow up. He has always loved childhood - and because of that - has instilled something his childhood into each person who knows him. But he is growing up - and the fact that he is looking forward to the independence that comes with age will attest to that. He still takes life a day at a time. He still doesn't take too many things too seriously. And he still loves to laugh, tease, instigate, joke and play - just as much as he did when he was two! I look forward to any opportunity to be with him and to watch his mind work, and to see him shape his own personality, his own humor and his love of others, into the man that he is becoming. He is my son - and he lovingly calls me Dad.

I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to let me go and grow into the man I am becoming. My wife and I are still on our parallel journey. We are separated in many ways - yet also inextricably linked as parents, partners and friends forever. Our path is not completely smooth but neither is it unbearably rocky. Our challenges constantly change as we both become more and more independent - not unlike our children! We continue to make new friends and meet new people - all of whom come secondary to our family but some of whom get introduced to our family - and become friends of us all. We do tend to move quite slowly when it comes to introducing new people to our kids. We don't want to make the same mistake we did a few years ago when we introduced a man named Christopher, whom we thought was a friend, but who turned out instead, to be a fraud and an opportunist - looking for other people he could pull into his life to supply him with love, affection and intimacy to make up for what is lacking in himself. But like so much other garbage in our lives - we put that, and him, behind us and my wife and I are moving forward. Our love and our commitment to each other and to our children continue to hold strong. We continue to try and find time to connect - even for the briefest of moments at times - just to find out how the other is doing - and if either needs something. It is almost like a dance - to a slow and unfamiliar tune. We may not know all the steps, but we know each other - and that closeness allows us to dance right on through to the end. Our moments together should be treated like gold. When we forget that - we have each other and our children to remind us.

I'm lucky to have a partner who feels as lucky to have me as I am to have him. There is so much to be said about balance being one of the keys to fulfillment. For the first time in a long time, I feel balanced. It isn't so much about equality - because we are not always equal - but it is about finding equilibrium, coming to the center - and maintaining a healthy balance. My partner has been able to reflect back to me a man I've never seen before. He also shows me in himself, a person capable of deep love, deep spirituality, unearned trust and undeserved forgiveness. No matter where we are - the connection is felt. No matter how independent our thoughts, feelings, wants, dreams, desires or actions - we consider and "feel" the other. And through that connection - we are able to maintain our independence and not sacrifice our respect and commitment to each other. I can put pages and pages of words down on paper or on the computer screen - but the words will never adequately describe the truly unique and special bond I have with him.

So you see - these days - I am living a blessed life. Perhaps it has always been so and I just couldn't see it because of some dark events of the past. But I know that each day I try to live for that day and those moments. I try to look over the horizon into tomorrow and build hopes and dreams there. I try to make sure that each time I place my foot on the earth - I am pointing it in the direction of those hopes and those dreams. I try to spend less and less time peering over my shoulder and fearing the demons of childhood. Like for my children and for all children - there is a time to grow up and to put childish things away. My time is now - and it is a most blessed time.

May your days be filled with blessings; even when the sky is dark and the ground is trembling... blessings are on the way!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw