Honesty is the best policy… Really it is! The relationship I have with Al is based on complete and total honesty. That means we don’t lie to each other. It also means we don’t allow lies of omission. But that doesn’t mean we talk about everything. Not immediately anyway.There are times when I have thoughts, like little things that are bothering me. Not things about him, just things about life… things in general. And they are such small things that I feel they aren’t really worth mentioning to him – or maybe just not “right now” - whenever that is.
Other times I may just have a feeling or feelings that I don’t really understand myself. I may associate it with a “bad mood” but I really can’t articulate it. So how do you talk about something you can’t articulate? You just don’t. Sometimes, given more time and perspective, I grow into a better understanding and either the whole issue disappears or I get to a place where I CAN talk about it – and then I do.
Even with these kinds of understandings about myself, it still seems weird to me when I’m in those moments of non-communication, or non-verbal communication.
There have been times when Al and I will be in the same room catching up on email and chatting with friends online when I will come across a chat message from him that he sent either minutes or even seconds ago - and he’s sitting only a few feet or even inches away from me. On occasion I will respond to him verbally, but every so often I will respond with silent key strokes, as if he were a million miles away. And on some rare occasions, we have some rather deep, meaningful, yet silent, conversations that go on for a good length of time like this. With neither of us acknowledging the other in the room.
It’s as if there’s a wall of protection around me, or him, or both of us. I don’t really know what it feels like for him. But there’s an isolationist quality to it that feels somewhat familiar to me – and not altogether bad. I’ve always felt safest when people couldn’t touch me.
Usually these “distant” conversations will be about “little” things that we are feeling that aren’t big enough to come up in everyday conversation, but may have been nagging at the back or our minds and the tips of our tongues. Sometimes they are things that we consider non-issues – but we just want to put out there to clear the air. Dust we’ve swept under the rug that we want to put into the dustbin once and for all. Typically – the virtual conversations are sealed with a virtual kiss, but occasionally we also address each other in person later – expressing gratitude for having had the conversations in the first place and for keeping the lines of communication open – in any form.
In case I haven’t mentioned it here before… I’m a lucky guy.
Just thought you should know.
Hugz to you all, and
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
