My blog today was intended to be something vastly different. Something much lighter but still meaningful to me. Now that will have to wait. Because my mind, heart and very core have been turned and torn in a totally different direction. As I sat here at work getting ready to take lunch at my desk, I thought I’d look at the news online and my eyes caught the headline “Court rejects death penalty for raping children”. Now, I don’t know where you fall in your beliefs about the death penalty, but I believe there are situations that warrant it. Child rape by an adult is one of those situations. Of course I read the article. I can’t say it was a mistake because I want to be an informed person, even about things I find disdainful. It’s just that this issue affects me to my very core, and stirs up in me things I don’t want stirred up. Once again I felt like a child with no voice, trying to scream… and now the supreme court is speaking for me, saying what? It’s not THAT bad? I guess that’s what I got out of the article. Unless the perpetrator kills me – they don’t deserve to die for their crime. I don’t think the supreme court understands child rape or what it means to die… emotionally and spiritually, over and over again. They can’t possibly understand. Well I guess some of them did. The vote was 5 to 4.
"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.
Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.
So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.
I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.
I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.
I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.
I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.
Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
06/11/2008 - WHY AM I HERE...
Do you ever wake up, or pause in your day, and just wonder why you are where you are in your life? I do. I don’t know if I do it a lot, but I do it, every now and then. It’s not so much that I wonder how I got where I am, although that’s a part of the thought process for sure, but it’s mainly why. Why am I here, in this place, with this job, this partner, at this time in my life? Why?
Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.
Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.
I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.
If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.
Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.
And I continue hacking through the weeds…
Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.
So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.
I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.
Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.
There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.
Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.
Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.
I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.
If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.
Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.
And I continue hacking through the weeds…
Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.
So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.
I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.
Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.
There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.
Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
06/11/2008 - ON HEROES...
Just a quick scribble. In reading a magazine recently, I came across a quote by an actor I rather admire. He's not considered the "Hollywood Hottie" - but that flavor seems to change weekly. He's just a very good actor who seems to have staying power - and someone with whom I have always felt sort of a kinship without ever really knowing why. After reading the quote, maybe I have a better sense of why. This man comes across as a very deep, very real and very spiritual person. I like that. I identify with that. So... here's his quote. I hope you find something in it for yourself as well.When asked to name a real life hero, the actor responded...
"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” - John Cusack
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
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