It seems that for some time now, I have been holding my breath. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought I would do that and time would stand still. Maybe I was thinking I could preserve some of what I had in my life if I just held my breath long enough. But, long enough for what? I’m not completely sure. The closest thing I can relate this to is when I was a small boy, I used to think that old people were trying to poison me. So, whenever I passed old people on the street or in shops in town, I would hold my breath until they were well past me. Sometimes this was rather difficult if I came upon a large group of them – but somehow I managed not to pass out! And so lately, it has seemed like that again. Like I had been holding my breath. Waiting for something bad to pass. And now, having reached a settlement agreement on my divorce during mediation… it seems like the right time to take a breath of air again. Fresh air.
In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.
Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.
So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.
I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.
2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
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