08/14/2006 - MEASURING...

Today I seem to be struggling with the idea that being busy should always result in quantifiable and measurable outputs. That's the way it is at work. We get measured by what we produce - and when we are really busy - we end up with more "product" to show for it. But life outside of the workforce doesn't seem to follow that same rule.

Instead, I look at my calendar and see very few slots of time where I don't have something going on. But when the day, week, month or year is gone - I find myself looking for the things "produced" from all of that activity. Do you ever look at the clock late at night and ask yourself "where did the day go?" You know it was a long and hectic (i.e. busy) day - but you don't feel like you have enough to show for it. Well, that's what I'm struggling with in my mind today.

I just celebrated two anniversaries last week. One was the 22nd anniversary of marriage to my wife, and the other was the 8th anniversary with my current employer. In both cases, I can see a lot of output over the years, but I still find myself wondering where the time went - and if I did "enough" with that time.

I'm sure if you asked 100 different people how they measure "success" over time - you would get somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 different answers and methods or measuring. So, for me as well, this feeling is part of an internal and personal struggle.

I've never worked for a company for 8 years before. I'm not sure I ever wanted to work somewhere for that long a period of time, because I used to think that meant doing pretty much the same thing over and over for years. I've had to change my thoughts about that since my current company is so large and I've actually held several different jobs, in different disciplines and with different groups of people - so it hardly seems like working in the same place after all. Someday I'm sure I'll leave - or at least transfer to another part of the world - just for a change of scenery and culture.

22 years of marriage is also nothing to sneeze at. I've always been proud of being married - even when my wife and I started moving in different directions about 4 or so years ago, the marriage itself was something we trusted in and felt strongly about. We drew a lot of personal strength from being a family and from being parents and partners in raising our children. That's why it was really hard for me, and strange, that we really didn't do anything to celebrate it this year. It's actually 25 years now that we have been together, since we dated for three years prior to getting married, but it seems like we are less "together" now than we have ever been, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.

My wife and I have been concentrating on "finding our own way" and our own lives - apart or separated from one another - while trying to stay together as partners in parenting and as a family. That has worked well for us in the past but may have run its course now. The kids are pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. Though two still live at home, one is in college and working and the other is about to start his senior year in high school and spends a lot of time developing his art. Which leaves my wife and I with very little interaction.

I have a partner with whom I spend as much time as possible, and my wife has been spending her time with friends, on dates or online meeting new men - looking for her "self" and "her own way". The more we do this - the more awkward it seems for us to come together and "reconnect" as parents and as friends. I've never done this before so I don't know if what we are doing is normal or the "right" way or not, but I do know it is impossible to go back to where we used to be - and very hard to see the direction we should be taking ahead!

I have faith that she and I are good people, good parents and good friends. We may not be able to be at our best around each other right now - but in the long run, we will find ways to tap into all of the love and goodness that God has bestowed upon us and within us and we will not only find our way to fulfillment and happiness - but also find our way through past hurts to the place called forgiveness. When that happens - we will truly celebrate!

So I look at my job and all of the experience that now covers my resume' and can see that I've gotten a lot out of my 8 years with this employer. I also look at my children and the adults they have become and are still becoming and it makes me very proud to be their father. I think it is even fair to say that with children - with my three anyway - I get out far more than I ever put in. And I measure the outputs in smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, tears and the lifetime of "togetherness" shared up until now, and the promise of what is yet to come!

Remember - love today like there is no tomorrow!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw