I've always been the kind of person who gathers things from various places, whether I need them or not, and brings them home for "future use". Call me a "collector". It has a better ring to it than, say... "dumpster diver"! Although, I remember all the way back in grade school, in June, after school was out, I would go behind the school and go through the dumpsters and find all the really "cool" stuff that the janitors and teachers had thrown away. Friends and I would get the used fluorescent tubes and play swords! Ultimately exploding the tubes on the cement with utter joy! We had light sabers before Star Wars came around! But I stray from the story... remember this point... I'm a "collector".
The thing about us "collectors" is that we turn into what other people sometimes refer to as "pack rats"! That's because we can collect much easier and faster than we can consume or use the items we store away. Often we don't even know what we will use something for. We just know that there is a "purpose" for the item somewhere in the future! Needless to say - we have space issues, storage issues, priority issues, and in particular... issues with letting our "stuff" go.
At this point in time, no vehicles can be parked in my two-car garage. One reason for that is that I did not put the 24 storage tubs of Christmas decorations (yes, more stuff!) back into the attic yet. But even if I did, there wouldn't be room for a car. My den has stacks of boxes and tubs that have to be moved just to get to the closet. I have stacks and stacks of books I plan to read someday, after I retire... maybe.
I plan to go through all these things, and have made several well-intentioned attempts to "clear things out" and get rid of things I don't need. But, the stuff usually wins.
I've been thinking about this aspect of my personality a lot lately. Not because I keep stubbing my toe on the stacks of boxes, or because it is a literal struggle to walk through my garage with my briefcase and camera bag each evening... but because I have realized I have trouble letting go of a lot of things - and not just "stuff".
This past week, as I struggled to develop and maintain two mySpace profiles, I realized how much time it was taking out of my days. I began to evaluate all the time I spend on those profiles, and the three websites I maintain, and emails accounts I have to check, read and answer for work and my personal email, and I came to the realization that I was simply running out of time! I asked myself why I was adding new mySpace profiles and came to the conclusion that it was so I could stay in touch with my friends, several of whom had urged me to get on mySpace!
So, there I was - tired, frustrated, running out of time and not knowing what to do about it all. I truly felt that each profile was a connection for me to someone, some friend or friends somewhere. And after all, we all want to be connected. We all want to belong. So it was somewhat against my nature when I started to think about closing some profiles. It made sense that I closed the mySpace because it was the newest and the one that took more time to maintain than some others. I also discovered that the need to simplify my life was greater than the need to "hold on" to my new "friend connections". It helped for me to realize that I'm not really cutting off contact with my friends, because they have my email and phone number. I was simply letting go of ONLY ONE way or method of reaching me.
This process of trying to simplify my life by reducing unnecessary elements, led me to think even deeper about my issues with letting go, and how this relates to people I know.
Even though I've always been shy, and it is hard for me to approach new people, once I was able to develop a rapport with someone, I have always considered them friends for life. Until the last 3 years, I had no concept of turning away a friend. Sure, sometimes we grow apart from people and lose track - but I had never considered cutting anyone out of my life intentionally. That is until I attracted a stalker! This stalker had been a friend, and because of that I made concession after concession and excuse after excuse and only when he became a danger to myself and my family did I tell him to leave us alone and never contact us again. At that point, I felt it was a need - even though it hurt me to do that to someone I once called friend.
But now, my thoughts are different. I'm looking at the people in my life and seeing that they too take time to care for, to nurture, to support and to encourage. All the things we do for our friends. And I realized that my time and resources are limited in this area as well. I had to start looking at individuals and ask myself - am I benefiting from this relationship - or is it more one-sided? Is there too much "take" and not enough "give" to support a friendship we can refer to as "healthy"? The collector in me says "You can never have too many friends!" but reality has begun to teach me a little different. First, I have to figure out what a true friend should look like. Just because someone is friendly and fun to be around - they may not really be bringing enough substance or positive energy to your life to sustain a true friendship. I think that if a person is a true friend, then the friendship is mutually beneficial to both parties. If that isn't the case - perhaps we need to let them "go" as friends, and be satisfied to consider them acquaintances instead - but then also limit the amount of energy and resources we devote to them - reserving enough energy and resources to keep ourselves healthy and our true friendships healthy as well.
I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this - but I do know I have people in my life whom I have considered friends, but who in reality take far more energy and resources than they give, sometimes bringing more drama than peace to my life and who may also be complicating and jeopardizing my true friendships as a result. I'll have to think more about this topic, and may find that rather than holding onto something or someone who is draining me instead of supporting me, I may just have to begin letting go...
May you each find peace, love and friendship in the truest sense...
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
