02/16/2006 - OLD AGE...

This was sent to me today by my Dad. Having just turned 44, and having experienced some of the feelings of "getting older" physically despite the age I "feel" inside... I thought it quite appropriate to include here. Enjoy!

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body. The wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I did not need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I can say "yes." and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

02/06/2006 - ANOTHER YEAR BETTER...

This past Saturday was my birthday. The celebrating actually started on Friday night as my wife made a wonderful Cajun meal of crawfish étouffé, maquechoux (fried corn dish), rice and veggies. My bf made my birthday cake – a pineapple upside-down cake, which is my absolute favorite! It was so moist and the whole meal was just WONDERFUL! After dinner, my bf and I went to a club to celebrate another friends’ birthday. It was nice to see some friends we had not seen in a while. Then on Saturday morning, my wife and kids (mostly my wife!) made a breakfast of waffles, ham, sausage, grits, eggs, cinnamon toast, juice and more! It was a wonderful feast – again! (Birthday’s are GOOD!) But I wasn’t finished with the eating just yet… Saturday night I had dinner at a local seafood restaurant called Hook Line and Sinker. The seafood there is so fresh and delicious and the place is always hopping! The party of 10 ended up being just 7 because three friends ended up not making it. We all ate well and then headed out for some drinks, dancing and socializing. All in all it was a very fun night! Then, Sunday was Super Bowl – so decadent eating was planned again as we had all kinds of junk-food piled up at the house and friends over to enjoy the game! What a great weekend! And, what a great family and group of friends I have at this point in my life! I am more blessed than I can ever express. I hope I do a good job of letting them all know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate their love and care. THANK YOU!

Yes, I’m another year older – but I prefer to think of it as another year BETTER. Better in the sense that I have another year of life-experience and of lessons learned under my belt. I have another year of time spent designing and building this thing I call “my life”. I have another year of shared experiences with family, friends (old and new!) and loved-ones. This year I turned 44. In some ways that seems “old” but in so many ways – I don’t feel “old” at all. When I think about it – I never have felt old – at least not yet. But there are days when I look in the mirror and am faced with the reality of physical changes. Some days I look more tired, or allergies have me looking puffy and such. But inside, I still have energy and vitality – and in many ways I have more than I’ve had in years! So, should 44 bother me? It doesn’t. I hear all the time that I look much younger than I am. That can be very flattering – and, if I let myself believe it, I suppose it could affect how I see myself. But I’ve never been a fan of letting others decide for me how to feel about myself. I spent far too much time in my childhood and youth letting others tell me who I was, what I liked, what I wanted and what I was supposed to be and do. So I’m pretty resistant now to letting others affect or alter my self-image, even if it is a positive change. But just like the comments I hear about how young I look – there are many people, especially men in the gay community, that are hung up on the “numbers” of age.

When I used to chat more online, I would sometimes encounter guys who would engage me in conversation, only to stop abruptly when they found out I was 40 or older. I have had some tell me they really aren’t interested in talking to or meeting someone in their 40s. Other’s revealed that they only talk to guys aged 30 or younger and so on and so forth. I never could understand this – and I guess I still don’t. But if I did buy into this way of thinking – I think I would feel old. I think that many guys DO buy into it – that’s why I see so many guys my age and older getting face lifts, botox, dye-jobs, spray-on tans and more. I don’t want to judge them for this – but I do think it is sad that the idea of the “culture of youth” causes them to try and alter their appearance – often with less than desirable results. What’s even sadder – is that often the procedures don’t mask their age at all – it only underlines their age and their desperation to escape to younger days. I would love to encourage everyone to embrace their own age and to embrace others for who they are as people – regardless of their age. I think if we could all do more of that – the world would be a friendlier, warmer and more loving place. And I think the gay community would experience less frustration, loneliness and exclusion from inside as well as out.

My birthday marked the beginning of another year of my life. Hey! I’m 44 now!!! What will that mean in the long run? I guess I’ll know the answer to that next February. I can say that I am very excited about what this next year holds for me. I’m continuing to gradually build my business as an artist and photographer. I’m continuing to express myself creatively in writing, art and the way I live my life. I’m continuing to face each day on my own terms – taking care of myself, my family, my wife, my kids, my boyfriend and my friends. I’m continuing to express the feelings and desires of my heart and soul by journaling both in private and in this blog. I’m continuing to speak out against what I see as unjust or unfair or just downright wrong – and I’m continuing to applaud, encourage and support those things in life that are good, fair, uplifting and bringing freedom to people around the world. I have a busy year ahead of me! I don’t have time to feel old, or sorry for myself. I find the more that I get involved in life – the more energy I have and the younger I feel. I encourage you all to try it. Get into life. Get into your life and move it in a direction that is right and healthy for you and your spirit!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw