During her daily class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked some of her male students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a dinner date with a nice young lady, how would you excuse yourself and let her know that you have to go to the restroom?
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher informed him that it would be rude and impolite to use such vulgar and common language. She turned to another boy.
"What about you Peter?” She asked, “How would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better.” The teacher encouraged, “But it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom to a lady or at the dinner table."
Obviously frustrated, she turned to little Johnny, who had his hand raised and a twinkle in his eye. She didn’t particularly care for him but she was at her wit’s end with the boys so she thought she’d give him a chance. “And you, little Johnny?” She asked, “Can you use your brain for once and show us all some good manners?"
“Why sure, Ma’am” was Johnny’s reply. "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I sincerely hope you will get to meet later after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
03/22/2007 - CHANGES LOOMING...
To say that I’ve been unbelievably busy in the past few months would be an understatement. Often I’ve simply been overwhelmed! In some ways it’s a reflection of things going well in my life. But, I’ve also had some soul-stretching times that have had me re-evaluating where I am and where I want to be, particularly in my professional life.Personally, I have not felt my best. I’ve been dealing with health issues since the beginning of the year, but they aren’t the kind where you can just go to the doctor for a pill and then everything gets better. They are much more vague than that. I’ve had a record number of headaches and my stomach issues have just run rampant. I can logically link most of it to stress – usually about work, but that doesn’t bring me any closer to a solution.
After weeks of daily neck pain and migraines, I got referred to a specialist who ended up having some good and innovative ideas about healthcare, but ultimately, I never felt comfortable with him or his associates and office staff, and I’m looking forward to getting back to my doctor. That’s one less stress I have to deal with! I have begun to improve since the end of February.
I’ve been working together with my boyfriend Al quite a bit on renovating my house. I’ve spent way too much money and there is still so much work to be done, but finally we are out of the “planning” and “talking” stages and into the “doing” stage – so that in itself brings about a real sense of accomplishment! I have Al to thank for encouraging me and gently “pushing” me to actually move forward with the work. The house and yard really needed the work too! My wife and kids are not very handy with that kind of upkeep and it was depressing for me to see the condition of the house every time I went over there. I can already see a huge difference and we are only now getting started!
On the professional front, changes at work have had me jumping through hoops as I’ve been through three management changes in the past few months. Through each change I’ve come to discover more and more that I really do not enjoy what I’m doing at my company anymore. I’ve migrated so far away from where I started and from what my expertise is that I’m having to learn an entirely new vocabulary and way of thinking. That in itself is not a bad thing, but my upper management has expectations that I know everything as if I’ve done this job for years. The pressure has been unbearable at times and this is the most unhappy I have been in my 8 plus years with this company. Perhaps it is time for a change. I’m dusting off the resume, so who knows what the future has in store. I’m keeping my eyes and ears open.
With all the pressures of work and the time spent working on house projects, and my health issues, I have neglected to take care of things like working out and eating properly. So my energy level isn’t where it should be and I find myself in a cycle of being really busy and getting a lot of things done – followed by crashing at the end of the day where I don’t want to move and I really just want to veg or sleep. Which is all well and good if I was single, but I’m not. So add to my list above – the stress of feeling like I’m not meeting the needs of my partner (even when he says that I do).
Whew! That’s a long-winded way to tell you why I haven’t blogged in a while! But honestly – I wanted to just let you know that I’ve been busy – and now you know a little bit about why and what I’ve been up to!
So – now that you’re up to speed, I have to say that all in all, life is very good! My children are healthy for the most part and are just as wonderful as ever! My wife is working on improving her life and on being a happy independent woman and we still love and support each other. Al and I feel so blessed to have each other in this life and in this world. The relationships we have and the new ones we continue to form make us stronger, happier and wealthier people!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Friday, February 09, 2007
02/09/2007 - BEWARE BAD APPLES...
At times, I wonder… “do good people sometimes do bad things?” Followed by “can they do bad things and still be good people?” and Invariably the answer I come up with is “Yes”. But generally, when a good person does something wrong or “bad” – it is usually done without thinking, or without forethought and intentional malice. They have either just messed up, or have come to hold onto some form of credible validation that allows them to see the thing as “good” or, at the very least, as “excusable”.
But there’s another side to the coin. You see… I also believe, that if a person does something “bad” with forethought, planning and intentional malice – well, then they are not good people. Instead – they are “bad apples”. They may have seemed to be good people. They may have, up to the point when the “bad” thing is discovered, appeared to be persons with respect for themselves and for others, but who, upon further inspection, turn out to be selfish, egotistical and shallow. Remember the poison apple in Snow White? It was all shiny and bright red. It looked delicious and inviting. But it was only an illusion.
Such people can hide for years beneath the VENEER of “nice”, “giving”, “caring”, “decent” and “respectable” (the list goes on and on…), but eventually cracks begin to appear in their “surface” and they start to show their true nature, and their selfish and corrupt core. Similar to Sauder furniture, like you can buy at K-Mart – they are all particle-board at the core – but with a thin cherry-wood-looking plastic veneer to make them look better in the light of day.
The cracks usually begin to show in their shiny, plastic surface during times of stress. It’s already gotta be hard for them to walk around and “appear” to be decent because it goes against their true nature. If you don’t believe it – try to go around for just one week and try to convince others you are someone you aren’t. Heck – try it for a day. I think you may find the stress is unbearable. The fear of being found out, of others realizing you are a liar and a fraud. You see – I think most of the time, bad people know they are bad. They may lie to themselves to help them live with it. And they may use justifications with themselves to stomach their actions – but deep down in their core… I think they know.
You see… I’ve had some experience with these people. I knew a guy once who befriended me for over a year. He would say things to me and do things for me that convinced me he wanted to be a friend and that the both of us would benefit from it. He thanked me for inviting him to church, telling me, with tears in his eyes, how he credited me with restoring his faith in God, in the teachings of Jesus and in spirituality. He would tell me how thankful he was for inviting him to share holidays with my family, since he was so far from his own. He shared his feelings, thoughts and emotions with me, which in turn led me to open up to him about things I would feel, or think, or do. In the end – he was a total fraud and a liar. Turns out he was obsessed with me and had plans all along to “win” me over and “make” me fall in love with him. He joined my church to be near me. Went through my computer, journal and anything he could get his hands on to use as leverage to a) get to know me better and b) to try and blackmail me. He illegally logged into my Toll-Tag records to track where I was going in town. And sure there were red-flags or “cracks” in his veneer along the way. But I was trying to be a good Christian and a good friend, by forgiving him and giving him yet another chance.
But this story isn’t about him… not exactly. It’s about someone else like him. And today, it’s about a particular person who has finally shown her true colors. Not to everyone mind you, but only to a select few who she has deemed “disposable” and “expendable”. This is a story about another bad apple. We’ll call her Kristin, because that is her name… and there is no innocence to protect here.
Here’s a pre-warning before you read any further. Kristin uses MySpace. She has a profile and will read your profile if she has access. She will also use any information she finds on your profile as she see’s fit. I think most of you should be ok – but you never know. Also, what you are about to read could be graphic in nature and should not be read by those who are easily shaken or disturbed by harsh words or offended by ugly truths. I may be tempted to use the word BITCH a time or two… or more. Read only at your own risk. YOU HAVE BEEN CAUTIONED! Oh… and bye-the-way – any resemblance to real people is purely intentional (or is it coincidental?) – but probably will induce the guilty party to get her panties in a wad! Finally, for the full effect and in order for you to really feel the foundational soundtrack for the subject of this story, you should play Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous Girl” and over-dub it with Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back”. Preferably in Surround Sound.
Kristin came into my life because she works with my partner, Al. I met her for the first time when I went to have lunch with Al. She seemed nice enough and was eager to befriend people, having just moved with her daughter to Dallas from Austin. Her husband was still in Austin trying to sell their house and he was also trying to find a job in the Dallas area so that he could join them. During that first lunch, I noticed she did a lot of gossiping about people from her work. This was not unusual to me but something about her vibe came off as if she thought she was above and better than everyone else with whom she worked. I later told Al that Kristin “seemed” nice, but that he should be careful to not get caught up in her gossip and that he should insist on maintaining a professional relationship at work.
A few weeks later I met Kristen’s husband when she invited Al and I to go out with them. She wanted us to show them around and asked us to suggest the best night clubs to visit. We started out in Deep Ellum but there wasn’t much going on and the music wasn’t what she wanted to dance to – so we told her that we could try TMC – a gay dance club. We ended up going there and having a good time. During the evening another friend from her work came to join us, and I discovered that her husband and I do basically the same kind of work. I told him that if he would send me a résumé, I would look it over and forward it to HR or any recruiters I knew. He was very gracious and thankful. She was somewhat disinterested.
It wasn’t long after this that Kristin invited us again to a birthday party for herself at her apartment. She had also invited other people from her work, including another gay man, who brought his boyfriend. Over the course of time, this other gay man would become her close confidant and babysitter when she wanted to go clubbing, or visit with other men… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What’s important to remember is that Kristin initiated the so called “friendships” with Al, myself and the others. Her husband was still living in Austin and only met us through her. He was also blissfully unaware that she was already sleeping around on him, and making plans for her future without him.
About a week later, I received his résumé, which I worked on with him via email to get it into what I considered better shape. He was also pursuing certification which would make him even more marketable as he tried to find something that would allow him to join his family.
Not long after, I heard the first of many rumors that Kristin was considering leaving her husband. I was saddened because we had just begun to know them as a couple, and we liked them both.
For Halloween, Kristin had decided she wanted to hang out in the gay section of Dallas and take part in the costume revelry and parade going on down there. She asked if she could hang out with Al and I. She had already told me about the costume she and her husband would wear. But when the night came – she had her costume with her but not her husband. Instead she had a gay friend with her. I thought it odd that her husband was not with her, and when I asked her about it, she was vague and kind of rolled her eyes saying he couldn’t make it.
To move the story along… Kristin had decided that she was going to do her own thing, on her own. She said she wanted to join a rock band and asked if we knew anyone who could help her with that. She also started telling her “close friends” about the other men she was sleeping with. It seemed VERY important to her that she let everyone know she was now an independent, strong woman. She started blogging about it on her MySpace and started to write obscure poems.
As things moved forward, I told Kristin and her husband that I did not want to be in the middle of their issues. Al and I let them know we like them both and wanted to be friends with them both, but we asked them specifically not to involve us in their problems. But, in the middle is precisely where Kristin wanted us. Once her husband realized she was not amenable to counseling and making amends, he decided to start planning for his own future as a single father. This seemed to completely confound Kristin because she planned on calling all the shots. She became very angry, suspicious and childish – going even so far as to block certain people from reading her blogs on MySpace. I wanted to remain supportive so I just brushed it off as childishness.
For Christmas, Kristin had her daughter during the actual holidays. So I invited her husband to have Christmas dinner at my house with my wife and kids. He was very grateful – and almost backed out when he thought it might cause a problem at work for Al. I left it up to him, but explained that we often had friends over at Christmas and he was more than welcome. He decided to join us and we all had a great holiday.
In the end, being a friend was turned into an unfortunate lesson that really hurt only two people, Kristin’s husband and her daughter.
During a custody hearing this week, in which Kristin and her husband were both vying for full custody, Kristin cast off her veneer and showed her true self. She did this by attacking her husband and everyone else who had befriended her in Dallas, whom she felt could be used to help her lie to the judge and gain full custody of her daughter.
Her husband was grilled about his sexual identity. He was quizzed as to the nature of his relationship with myself and Al. Our MySpace blogs, which are certainly in the public domain, were used to skew the picture of a platonic friendship and healthy support, and used to suggest that “maybe” something more was going on. She used homophobia to smear the reputation of her straight but too-kind husband. She lied to the judge about her own friendships and did nothing to underline the fact that her husband ONLY knew us because of her. It is well known that she let a gay man babysit her daughter. She invited gay men and gay couples to parties where her daughter was present. She bragged of at least three other men she was sleeping with before her husband was even aware she wanted to separate. Who knows if there were others she kept to herself. One of the men she is still seeing. So there’s another person who is in line to be hurt by all of this. But when it comes to sex, love or infatuation – no one can open your eyes for you!
So now I’m thinking… this story is already too long. It’s filled with fact, rumor, innuendo and second-hand information. Are there details missing? Most certainly! Enough to turn this blog into a novel! Is the story told objectively? I’ve been as objective as I know how, especially considering that I am one of the persons who was used by Kristin for her own agenda. Is the story over? Don’t you wish it was? I know I do – but there are still others in Kristin’s life who are unaware of what she has done and what she is capable of doing when she decides to be finished with them. Also remember, there is a child involved. These two parents will need to continue to raise that child and hopefully do it with dignity, respect and sacrifice. I have no doubt the father can live up to the task – he’s already proven that. But the mother, Kristin, still needs to learn that her daughter, and the example she sets for her, are more important than Mommy getting into a rock band, or wearing a Wonder Woman costume to a gay Halloween party, or even getting her snatch itched (or is it her itch scratched?) once in a while. I have no real problem with someone being a slut or even a whore, as long as they can be honest with themselves and others. I have a huge problem with someone being a liar and a user!
So now you see… the answer is “Yes” boys and girls… good people can do bad things. And bad people can do good things. But really shitty people do bad things to good people just to fill their own selfish needs.
Oh and lest I forget to give in to my own childish temptation… Kristin is a BITCH!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
But there’s another side to the coin. You see… I also believe, that if a person does something “bad” with forethought, planning and intentional malice – well, then they are not good people. Instead – they are “bad apples”. They may have seemed to be good people. They may have, up to the point when the “bad” thing is discovered, appeared to be persons with respect for themselves and for others, but who, upon further inspection, turn out to be selfish, egotistical and shallow. Remember the poison apple in Snow White? It was all shiny and bright red. It looked delicious and inviting. But it was only an illusion.
Such people can hide for years beneath the VENEER of “nice”, “giving”, “caring”, “decent” and “respectable” (the list goes on and on…), but eventually cracks begin to appear in their “surface” and they start to show their true nature, and their selfish and corrupt core. Similar to Sauder furniture, like you can buy at K-Mart – they are all particle-board at the core – but with a thin cherry-wood-looking plastic veneer to make them look better in the light of day.
The cracks usually begin to show in their shiny, plastic surface during times of stress. It’s already gotta be hard for them to walk around and “appear” to be decent because it goes against their true nature. If you don’t believe it – try to go around for just one week and try to convince others you are someone you aren’t. Heck – try it for a day. I think you may find the stress is unbearable. The fear of being found out, of others realizing you are a liar and a fraud. You see – I think most of the time, bad people know they are bad. They may lie to themselves to help them live with it. And they may use justifications with themselves to stomach their actions – but deep down in their core… I think they know.
You see… I’ve had some experience with these people. I knew a guy once who befriended me for over a year. He would say things to me and do things for me that convinced me he wanted to be a friend and that the both of us would benefit from it. He thanked me for inviting him to church, telling me, with tears in his eyes, how he credited me with restoring his faith in God, in the teachings of Jesus and in spirituality. He would tell me how thankful he was for inviting him to share holidays with my family, since he was so far from his own. He shared his feelings, thoughts and emotions with me, which in turn led me to open up to him about things I would feel, or think, or do. In the end – he was a total fraud and a liar. Turns out he was obsessed with me and had plans all along to “win” me over and “make” me fall in love with him. He joined my church to be near me. Went through my computer, journal and anything he could get his hands on to use as leverage to a) get to know me better and b) to try and blackmail me. He illegally logged into my Toll-Tag records to track where I was going in town. And sure there were red-flags or “cracks” in his veneer along the way. But I was trying to be a good Christian and a good friend, by forgiving him and giving him yet another chance.
But this story isn’t about him… not exactly. It’s about someone else like him. And today, it’s about a particular person who has finally shown her true colors. Not to everyone mind you, but only to a select few who she has deemed “disposable” and “expendable”. This is a story about another bad apple. We’ll call her Kristin, because that is her name… and there is no innocence to protect here.
Here’s a pre-warning before you read any further. Kristin uses MySpace. She has a profile and will read your profile if she has access. She will also use any information she finds on your profile as she see’s fit. I think most of you should be ok – but you never know. Also, what you are about to read could be graphic in nature and should not be read by those who are easily shaken or disturbed by harsh words or offended by ugly truths. I may be tempted to use the word BITCH a time or two… or more. Read only at your own risk. YOU HAVE BEEN CAUTIONED! Oh… and bye-the-way – any resemblance to real people is purely intentional (or is it coincidental?) – but probably will induce the guilty party to get her panties in a wad! Finally, for the full effect and in order for you to really feel the foundational soundtrack for the subject of this story, you should play Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous Girl” and over-dub it with Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back”. Preferably in Surround Sound.
Kristin came into my life because she works with my partner, Al. I met her for the first time when I went to have lunch with Al. She seemed nice enough and was eager to befriend people, having just moved with her daughter to Dallas from Austin. Her husband was still in Austin trying to sell their house and he was also trying to find a job in the Dallas area so that he could join them. During that first lunch, I noticed she did a lot of gossiping about people from her work. This was not unusual to me but something about her vibe came off as if she thought she was above and better than everyone else with whom she worked. I later told Al that Kristin “seemed” nice, but that he should be careful to not get caught up in her gossip and that he should insist on maintaining a professional relationship at work.
A few weeks later I met Kristen’s husband when she invited Al and I to go out with them. She wanted us to show them around and asked us to suggest the best night clubs to visit. We started out in Deep Ellum but there wasn’t much going on and the music wasn’t what she wanted to dance to – so we told her that we could try TMC – a gay dance club. We ended up going there and having a good time. During the evening another friend from her work came to join us, and I discovered that her husband and I do basically the same kind of work. I told him that if he would send me a résumé, I would look it over and forward it to HR or any recruiters I knew. He was very gracious and thankful. She was somewhat disinterested.
It wasn’t long after this that Kristin invited us again to a birthday party for herself at her apartment. She had also invited other people from her work, including another gay man, who brought his boyfriend. Over the course of time, this other gay man would become her close confidant and babysitter when she wanted to go clubbing, or visit with other men… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What’s important to remember is that Kristin initiated the so called “friendships” with Al, myself and the others. Her husband was still living in Austin and only met us through her. He was also blissfully unaware that she was already sleeping around on him, and making plans for her future without him.
About a week later, I received his résumé, which I worked on with him via email to get it into what I considered better shape. He was also pursuing certification which would make him even more marketable as he tried to find something that would allow him to join his family.
Not long after, I heard the first of many rumors that Kristin was considering leaving her husband. I was saddened because we had just begun to know them as a couple, and we liked them both.
For Halloween, Kristin had decided she wanted to hang out in the gay section of Dallas and take part in the costume revelry and parade going on down there. She asked if she could hang out with Al and I. She had already told me about the costume she and her husband would wear. But when the night came – she had her costume with her but not her husband. Instead she had a gay friend with her. I thought it odd that her husband was not with her, and when I asked her about it, she was vague and kind of rolled her eyes saying he couldn’t make it.
To move the story along… Kristin had decided that she was going to do her own thing, on her own. She said she wanted to join a rock band and asked if we knew anyone who could help her with that. She also started telling her “close friends” about the other men she was sleeping with. It seemed VERY important to her that she let everyone know she was now an independent, strong woman. She started blogging about it on her MySpace and started to write obscure poems.
As things moved forward, I told Kristin and her husband that I did not want to be in the middle of their issues. Al and I let them know we like them both and wanted to be friends with them both, but we asked them specifically not to involve us in their problems. But, in the middle is precisely where Kristin wanted us. Once her husband realized she was not amenable to counseling and making amends, he decided to start planning for his own future as a single father. This seemed to completely confound Kristin because she planned on calling all the shots. She became very angry, suspicious and childish – going even so far as to block certain people from reading her blogs on MySpace. I wanted to remain supportive so I just brushed it off as childishness.
For Christmas, Kristin had her daughter during the actual holidays. So I invited her husband to have Christmas dinner at my house with my wife and kids. He was very grateful – and almost backed out when he thought it might cause a problem at work for Al. I left it up to him, but explained that we often had friends over at Christmas and he was more than welcome. He decided to join us and we all had a great holiday.
In the end, being a friend was turned into an unfortunate lesson that really hurt only two people, Kristin’s husband and her daughter.
During a custody hearing this week, in which Kristin and her husband were both vying for full custody, Kristin cast off her veneer and showed her true self. She did this by attacking her husband and everyone else who had befriended her in Dallas, whom she felt could be used to help her lie to the judge and gain full custody of her daughter.
Her husband was grilled about his sexual identity. He was quizzed as to the nature of his relationship with myself and Al. Our MySpace blogs, which are certainly in the public domain, were used to skew the picture of a platonic friendship and healthy support, and used to suggest that “maybe” something more was going on. She used homophobia to smear the reputation of her straight but too-kind husband. She lied to the judge about her own friendships and did nothing to underline the fact that her husband ONLY knew us because of her. It is well known that she let a gay man babysit her daughter. She invited gay men and gay couples to parties where her daughter was present. She bragged of at least three other men she was sleeping with before her husband was even aware she wanted to separate. Who knows if there were others she kept to herself. One of the men she is still seeing. So there’s another person who is in line to be hurt by all of this. But when it comes to sex, love or infatuation – no one can open your eyes for you!
So now I’m thinking… this story is already too long. It’s filled with fact, rumor, innuendo and second-hand information. Are there details missing? Most certainly! Enough to turn this blog into a novel! Is the story told objectively? I’ve been as objective as I know how, especially considering that I am one of the persons who was used by Kristin for her own agenda. Is the story over? Don’t you wish it was? I know I do – but there are still others in Kristin’s life who are unaware of what she has done and what she is capable of doing when she decides to be finished with them. Also remember, there is a child involved. These two parents will need to continue to raise that child and hopefully do it with dignity, respect and sacrifice. I have no doubt the father can live up to the task – he’s already proven that. But the mother, Kristin, still needs to learn that her daughter, and the example she sets for her, are more important than Mommy getting into a rock band, or wearing a Wonder Woman costume to a gay Halloween party, or even getting her snatch itched (or is it her itch scratched?) once in a while. I have no real problem with someone being a slut or even a whore, as long as they can be honest with themselves and others. I have a huge problem with someone being a liar and a user!
So now you see… the answer is “Yes” boys and girls… good people can do bad things. And bad people can do good things. But really shitty people do bad things to good people just to fill their own selfish needs.
Oh and lest I forget to give in to my own childish temptation… Kristin is a BITCH!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Thursday, January 18, 2007
01/18/2007 - PONDER THIS...
This was sent to me by my Dad. Thought I'd share it here.
Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday when they are lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost us two-hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves only thirty cents?
Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and those same people take Prozac to make it normal
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We can pinpoint the exact location of one cow with Mad-cow-disease among the millions and millions of cows in America. But, we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located? Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday when they are lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost us two-hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves only thirty cents?
Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and those same people take Prozac to make it normal
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We can pinpoint the exact location of one cow with Mad-cow-disease among the millions and millions of cows in America. But, we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located? Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Friday, January 05, 2007
01/05/2007 - GROWING OLDER OR WIZER...
What does “growing up” really mean? I'm guessing it means different things to different people. Just like all things. But I can remember when I was little, growing up meant getting older. There wasn’t a lot to thought put into it then. It was just all about getting older and being able to do things that the older people did.
But now that I'm one of the “older people”, growing up means something more, something different. It has more to do with maturity now than age. I mean, face it – we all age. We all get older. But look around you. How many adults do you know that you can really call “grown up”?
I tease sometimes saying I still don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” – indicating that I have never really settled on doing just one thing in my life. I’m ok with that. I like change. I also tease saying I hope I never “grow up”, meaning that I enjoy being mischievous and living life with a certain child-like playfulness. I'm ok with that too. What concerns me about the world around me, is that some people (lots actually) seem to have missed the necessary “growth” required to mature emotionally.
Too often I'm confronted with “grown” adults who say things that just blow me away, or who act in ways that remind me of high school – or worse – JUNIOR HIGH! Usually it is about their relationships with other people, but can be about their jobs, their pets, or just anything in general.
Now I'm just a laid-back kind of guy who has piles-a-plenty of my own personal shit to deal with. So getting caught up in someone else’s drama is not my thing. And I'm usually pretty quick to let them know too. I have sort of a zero-tolerance policy on drama, pettiness and squirrelly grade-school antics. To them I just want to say “GROW THE FCUK UP!” and I don’t mean for them to magically get older.
From a distance, I’ve watched these people, some of them dear friends of mine, and some of them worthless shits like the asshole that was stalking me for a couple of years (see… zero-tolerance!). And as I watch them I try to understand what makes them behave so. What makes an “adult” fall apart when the person they are smitten with, doesn’t return the sentiment? What makes an “adult” come to the conclusion that they cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t believe, think, vote or feel the way they do? What makes an “adult” try to convince their friends to pick them over other friends with whom they have had a falling-out? How does an “adult” become obsessed with another person to the point that they will do anything, include harm the other person – all in the name of some screwed-up idea they call “love”? I don’t think you can just label them crazy or psychotic and issue them medication and weekly therapy. There are too many highly-functioning, professional, seemingly normal-in-all-other-ways people out there who are behaving this way. So what can it be?
Now, I'm only guessing here, based on my observations and many discussions with some of these individuals, and I believe that much of it is rooted in lack of self-respect, lack of self-esteem, and lack of responsibility for one’s own actions and one’s own feelings. When I’ve confronted friends about how they are acting, they usually start out with blaming the other person for their feelings. Now we all should know by now – our feelings are our responsibility, as are our actions. Of course there are other factors involved, such as past history, depression and such. But I'm still at a loss for how to deal with this behavior in my own friends. If people I don’t know act this way – well that’s for their friends to handle. But when it is people I know, or even people I care about, it really gets me turned-around, and a bit angry at them for behaving so NOT “grown up”.
Well – I don’t have some magical solution for this dilemma. I can’t even say I haven’t behaved in a similar manner (in JUNIOR HIGH!). But I must say, I think the best thing I can continue to do is to be honest with these people, and to support them without supporting the behavior. I hope in time that people are able to see in themselves those behaviors that are holding them back from truly fulfilling lives. And that they find the courage and resources to make positive changes in themselves. Call it a silly, childish dream if you want to… but I will believe in it until I decide to grow up.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
But now that I'm one of the “older people”, growing up means something more, something different. It has more to do with maturity now than age. I mean, face it – we all age. We all get older. But look around you. How many adults do you know that you can really call “grown up”?
I tease sometimes saying I still don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” – indicating that I have never really settled on doing just one thing in my life. I’m ok with that. I like change. I also tease saying I hope I never “grow up”, meaning that I enjoy being mischievous and living life with a certain child-like playfulness. I'm ok with that too. What concerns me about the world around me, is that some people (lots actually) seem to have missed the necessary “growth” required to mature emotionally.
Too often I'm confronted with “grown” adults who say things that just blow me away, or who act in ways that remind me of high school – or worse – JUNIOR HIGH! Usually it is about their relationships with other people, but can be about their jobs, their pets, or just anything in general.
Now I'm just a laid-back kind of guy who has piles-a-plenty of my own personal shit to deal with. So getting caught up in someone else’s drama is not my thing. And I'm usually pretty quick to let them know too. I have sort of a zero-tolerance policy on drama, pettiness and squirrelly grade-school antics. To them I just want to say “GROW THE FCUK UP!” and I don’t mean for them to magically get older.
From a distance, I’ve watched these people, some of them dear friends of mine, and some of them worthless shits like the asshole that was stalking me for a couple of years (see… zero-tolerance!). And as I watch them I try to understand what makes them behave so. What makes an “adult” fall apart when the person they are smitten with, doesn’t return the sentiment? What makes an “adult” come to the conclusion that they cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t believe, think, vote or feel the way they do? What makes an “adult” try to convince their friends to pick them over other friends with whom they have had a falling-out? How does an “adult” become obsessed with another person to the point that they will do anything, include harm the other person – all in the name of some screwed-up idea they call “love”? I don’t think you can just label them crazy or psychotic and issue them medication and weekly therapy. There are too many highly-functioning, professional, seemingly normal-in-all-other-ways people out there who are behaving this way. So what can it be?
Now, I'm only guessing here, based on my observations and many discussions with some of these individuals, and I believe that much of it is rooted in lack of self-respect, lack of self-esteem, and lack of responsibility for one’s own actions and one’s own feelings. When I’ve confronted friends about how they are acting, they usually start out with blaming the other person for their feelings. Now we all should know by now – our feelings are our responsibility, as are our actions. Of course there are other factors involved, such as past history, depression and such. But I'm still at a loss for how to deal with this behavior in my own friends. If people I don’t know act this way – well that’s for their friends to handle. But when it is people I know, or even people I care about, it really gets me turned-around, and a bit angry at them for behaving so NOT “grown up”.
Well – I don’t have some magical solution for this dilemma. I can’t even say I haven’t behaved in a similar manner (in JUNIOR HIGH!). But I must say, I think the best thing I can continue to do is to be honest with these people, and to support them without supporting the behavior. I hope in time that people are able to see in themselves those behaviors that are holding them back from truly fulfilling lives. And that they find the courage and resources to make positive changes in themselves. Call it a silly, childish dream if you want to… but I will believe in it until I decide to grow up.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
01/02/2007 - STARTING FRESH...
Here we are again! Another new year, full of promise, potential and possibilities! We should all be brimming with energy and excitement just thinking about it. But sometimes that is not the case. Sometimes, we are coming down off of the high of the recent holiday excitement. Or we may be simply exhausted from it all. Sometimes we may be dreading another year of unfulfilling jobs, insurmountable bills and loving relationships that seem out of our grasp.
In some ways, I'm very lucky. Not that my job is all that sweet. It does pay well but I find it harder and harder to go to work every day. I will have to really consider what to do about that this year. I plan to get a better handle on my finances this year too. I made some pretty good progress in 2006, but there’s still some work to do, and some additional self-discipline to apply.
In the area of relationships, I'm very lucky indeed. Now, I know that luck isn’t all of it, because real relationships take work, and effort on everyone’s behalf. But I’m starting off 2007 with great friends, a wonderful family, and a partner who is as much in tune with me as anyone I’ve ever met.
This New Year’s Eve, I went to dinner with my wife and my boyfriend (how many people can say that?!) and we talked about our plans and expectations for the coming year. The kids made their own NYE plans for the first time in their lives, so the adults were pretty much on their own. It was kinda cool! New Year’s Day, we all got back together with the kids, cooked up some home-made Chinese pork dumplings and sat around watching movies.
The week after Christmas, I mailed a letter to my Dad, effectively “coming out” to him and letting him know where my life is today and giving him some high-level insight into my relationship status with my wife and with Al. I wanted to do it after Christmas so that he would not have that on his heart during that time, but I also wanted him to know before the new year began. He called me on December 30 but I didn’t take the call. I wasn’t ready to have a discussion just yet. He left me an encouraging voice-mail, letting me know he loved me and that I would always be his son. I have to admit – I did not expect that response. I didn’t know what to expect, and I felt it was safer to have no expectations at all.
On NYE, I called him back and we chatted briefly. His main concern was that I was not depressed during the holidays. I explained how I have had about 4 years to deal with it now, and that I was doing well, and he shouldn’t worry. He also did not want me to worry. He only mentioned twice how he does not approve of “that kind of lifestyle” but that he loved me. Then there was the awkward joke when he asked if this was a “Brokeback Mountain” kind of thing and all I could do was laugh and explain to him that no, we did not own any sheep! LOL
In retrospect, I'm not sure how the wine industry will measure their vintages from the past 12 months, but for me, 2006 was a good year. I traveled a bit, met and made some really great friends, and created some wonderful memories. So if I may correct myself… 2006 was a GREAT year!
Looking forward to 2007 is a bit daunting, as it always is for me trying to “see” into the future. But I will deal with the issues of my job, and will continue to prioritize finances, family and fun as we move forward into the year. I will continue to cherish the friends and loved ones who stand by me, reach out to me and support me in this journey called “life”. I will continue to be open to learning new things, seeing new perspectives, making new friends and experiencing life to the fullest. I really can’t say what 2007 has in store for me, but I know this… I’m ready for the adventure!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
In some ways, I'm very lucky. Not that my job is all that sweet. It does pay well but I find it harder and harder to go to work every day. I will have to really consider what to do about that this year. I plan to get a better handle on my finances this year too. I made some pretty good progress in 2006, but there’s still some work to do, and some additional self-discipline to apply.
In the area of relationships, I'm very lucky indeed. Now, I know that luck isn’t all of it, because real relationships take work, and effort on everyone’s behalf. But I’m starting off 2007 with great friends, a wonderful family, and a partner who is as much in tune with me as anyone I’ve ever met.
This New Year’s Eve, I went to dinner with my wife and my boyfriend (how many people can say that?!) and we talked about our plans and expectations for the coming year. The kids made their own NYE plans for the first time in their lives, so the adults were pretty much on their own. It was kinda cool! New Year’s Day, we all got back together with the kids, cooked up some home-made Chinese pork dumplings and sat around watching movies.
The week after Christmas, I mailed a letter to my Dad, effectively “coming out” to him and letting him know where my life is today and giving him some high-level insight into my relationship status with my wife and with Al. I wanted to do it after Christmas so that he would not have that on his heart during that time, but I also wanted him to know before the new year began. He called me on December 30 but I didn’t take the call. I wasn’t ready to have a discussion just yet. He left me an encouraging voice-mail, letting me know he loved me and that I would always be his son. I have to admit – I did not expect that response. I didn’t know what to expect, and I felt it was safer to have no expectations at all.
On NYE, I called him back and we chatted briefly. His main concern was that I was not depressed during the holidays. I explained how I have had about 4 years to deal with it now, and that I was doing well, and he shouldn’t worry. He also did not want me to worry. He only mentioned twice how he does not approve of “that kind of lifestyle” but that he loved me. Then there was the awkward joke when he asked if this was a “Brokeback Mountain” kind of thing and all I could do was laugh and explain to him that no, we did not own any sheep! LOL
In retrospect, I'm not sure how the wine industry will measure their vintages from the past 12 months, but for me, 2006 was a good year. I traveled a bit, met and made some really great friends, and created some wonderful memories. So if I may correct myself… 2006 was a GREAT year!
Looking forward to 2007 is a bit daunting, as it always is for me trying to “see” into the future. But I will deal with the issues of my job, and will continue to prioritize finances, family and fun as we move forward into the year. I will continue to cherish the friends and loved ones who stand by me, reach out to me and support me in this journey called “life”. I will continue to be open to learning new things, seeing new perspectives, making new friends and experiencing life to the fullest. I really can’t say what 2007 has in store for me, but I know this… I’m ready for the adventure!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Monday, December 18, 2006
12/18/2006 - AROUND THE CORNER...
It's almost 2am and I should probably get to sleep. It has been a good weekend overall. Al has been suffering with a painful sprain in his lower back since pulling it at work on Thursday - so we have been taking it easy and hoping it will heal up soon.
We are about to head into the last week before Christmas and it will be a short week at work. I'm excited about taking some time off, especially since work hasn't been exactly challenging as of late. At least the pay is good and I get along with the people.
I'm already looking ahead into 2007 and trying to imagine what changes the new year will bring. We don't know what is waiting around the corner at any point in our lives - but we can initiate change, and I hope to be an active agent in as much of that as possible moving forward. That's not to say that I have lived my life in the past as a passive bystander - far from it. But so often I have felt like a victim of circumstance, or an ineffectual contributor. In 2007 (no! this is not a resolution!) I want to be even MORE intentional about the path my life takes. I want to plan more of my "journey" and shape it in a way that I feel I'm getting the most out of my life - and that my life is getting the best from me.
I've already started the wheels in motion with my family, signaling changes that are to come in the future. They all know I want to move to Australia someday - but so far that has just been a dream. I guess an easier way to say it is that I want to start focusing on making my dreams come true.
I've spent a good part of my 44 years trying to please others and make them as comfortable as possible in life, sometimes succeeding but often failing miserably. It took me a long time to realize that the inability of others to find contentment wasn't really MY failure, nor was it ever really my responsibility to make others happy, to make them comfortable or to make sure they were fulfilled, and certainly not at my own expense.
So I move forward with a slightly different perspective now, and yes it continues to change and alter as I continue to learn and grow. I am blessed to have a partner now who is skilled at helping me find focus (he'll laugh at that - but it's true!) and who believe in me enough to nudge me forward when I'm having an off day, or week or what-have-you!
I'll admit - I have no certainty about what lies around the corner, but I do know - it's a part of my life - and what I call "the Adventure". So bring it on!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
We are about to head into the last week before Christmas and it will be a short week at work. I'm excited about taking some time off, especially since work hasn't been exactly challenging as of late. At least the pay is good and I get along with the people.
I'm already looking ahead into 2007 and trying to imagine what changes the new year will bring. We don't know what is waiting around the corner at any point in our lives - but we can initiate change, and I hope to be an active agent in as much of that as possible moving forward. That's not to say that I have lived my life in the past as a passive bystander - far from it. But so often I have felt like a victim of circumstance, or an ineffectual contributor. In 2007 (no! this is not a resolution!) I want to be even MORE intentional about the path my life takes. I want to plan more of my "journey" and shape it in a way that I feel I'm getting the most out of my life - and that my life is getting the best from me.
I've already started the wheels in motion with my family, signaling changes that are to come in the future. They all know I want to move to Australia someday - but so far that has just been a dream. I guess an easier way to say it is that I want to start focusing on making my dreams come true.
I've spent a good part of my 44 years trying to please others and make them as comfortable as possible in life, sometimes succeeding but often failing miserably. It took me a long time to realize that the inability of others to find contentment wasn't really MY failure, nor was it ever really my responsibility to make others happy, to make them comfortable or to make sure they were fulfilled, and certainly not at my own expense.
So I move forward with a slightly different perspective now, and yes it continues to change and alter as I continue to learn and grow. I am blessed to have a partner now who is skilled at helping me find focus (he'll laugh at that - but it's true!) and who believe in me enough to nudge me forward when I'm having an off day, or week or what-have-you!
I'll admit - I have no certainty about what lies around the corner, but I do know - it's a part of my life - and what I call "the Adventure". So bring it on!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
12/12/2006 - EVERYTHING BUT THE...
Lists were all made. Gifts have all been purchased and wrapped and crowding the tree. Cards have all been written, addressed, stamped and mailed. Some parties already behind us. A few still to come. Two Advent Sundays down. Two to go. Nicklaus Tag finished and the boots put away. Trees are all up. Lights are hung. Stockings are already getting stuffed. Can this really be true? Can it be that I am this far ahead of the "game"? Yes! Even the relatives in Germany should get their cards before Weinachten this year! Someone... pinch me! QUICK!
I only make a big deal about it because... well, it's a big deal to me! It is a rare thing when I don't have last minute things to do and buy and worry about. Of course I'm sure there will be some small things I'll want to add here and there between now and Christmas day - but I'll be able to do that without stress because everything else is taken care of! But I certainly can't take credit for all of this! It was a great team effort! I especially want to thank my bf for keeping me focused.
I think the kids are really getting excited! That's usually where I get my energy from too around this time of year - seeing their faces and the look of anticipation in their eyes. It's the best! I also love the traditions we have followed over the years and this year has been a little different because now that they are older - they work, and our schedules make getting everyone in the house together at the same time much more difficult! But we have managed to keep some semblance of those traditions alive! It's the memories we continue to create that warm my heart and soul.
So - it looks like all the preparations are pretty much done... everything is ready except for the weather... so bring on the SNOW!!!!!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
12/05/2006 - BUSY DAZE, ER... DAYS...
WOW! December already!!! In some ways it is very exciting and in other ways, I am sad to see another year already gone.
Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL this year as we had a house FULL of family and friends - and I mean FULL!!! And in truth, I had two Thanksgivings this year. The first was the weekend before actual Thanksgiving. I traveled with my bf to visit his family, including his children who drove in from West Virginia to see us! Since they are living so far away now - we also celebrated an early Christmas with them. It was a lot of fun for everyone and the kids seemed really happy to get to spend the time with us. Of course, getting gifts was really cool too!
After returning to Texas, Al and I spent actual Thanksgiving Day at home with my wife and kids and even my oldest son came home with his girlfriend, plus my nieces came and several family friends. Like I said - the house was full! And where there's a lot of people - there's also a lot of food - including two turkeys, a ham and loads of potatoes, vegetables, pies and more! Dontcha just love the holidays! And here comes Christmas!!!! LOL
My daughter and youngest son have both been working a lot so that keeps them pretty busy but recently my son participated with Al and I in a charity art show/auction. We each went in and created a piece for installation on a Thursday night (during the ice storm in Dallas!) and then went back for the auction on Friday. It was very exciting and was the first such experience for my son. He was really pumped up about the whole event and process. The couple who purchased his painting wanted to meet him and took pictures with him and his artwork at the end of the show. He was really flying high at the end of the night. It was a wonderful thing for a dad to watch! He’s already looking forward to doing it again next year! (so am I)
So now I’m trying to get all of my gifts bought and wrapped, and cards written, stamped and mailed. If I can get all that done by the 25th that will be quite an achievement. I’m sure I’ll get MOST of it done.
I’ll leave you now with thoughts of joy, peace and love. I hope you are all looking forward to a wonderful Christmas holiday and a SUPER New Year! With any luck and some effort – I’ll get a chance to see you in person in 2007!
Until then – peace to you all!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL this year as we had a house FULL of family and friends - and I mean FULL!!! And in truth, I had two Thanksgivings this year. The first was the weekend before actual Thanksgiving. I traveled with my bf to visit his family, including his children who drove in from West Virginia to see us! Since they are living so far away now - we also celebrated an early Christmas with them. It was a lot of fun for everyone and the kids seemed really happy to get to spend the time with us. Of course, getting gifts was really cool too!
After returning to Texas, Al and I spent actual Thanksgiving Day at home with my wife and kids and even my oldest son came home with his girlfriend, plus my nieces came and several family friends. Like I said - the house was full! And where there's a lot of people - there's also a lot of food - including two turkeys, a ham and loads of potatoes, vegetables, pies and more! Dontcha just love the holidays! And here comes Christmas!!!! LOL
My daughter and youngest son have both been working a lot so that keeps them pretty busy but recently my son participated with Al and I in a charity art show/auction. We each went in and created a piece for installation on a Thursday night (during the ice storm in Dallas!) and then went back for the auction on Friday. It was very exciting and was the first such experience for my son. He was really pumped up about the whole event and process. The couple who purchased his painting wanted to meet him and took pictures with him and his artwork at the end of the show. He was really flying high at the end of the night. It was a wonderful thing for a dad to watch! He’s already looking forward to doing it again next year! (so am I)
So now I’m trying to get all of my gifts bought and wrapped, and cards written, stamped and mailed. If I can get all that done by the 25th that will be quite an achievement. I’m sure I’ll get MOST of it done.
I’ll leave you now with thoughts of joy, peace and love. I hope you are all looking forward to a wonderful Christmas holiday and a SUPER New Year! With any luck and some effort – I’ll get a chance to see you in person in 2007!
Until then – peace to you all!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Friday, November 10, 2006
11/10/2006 - A REFLECTION...
November 10, 2006 marks two years for my boyfriend and I. As I reflect on the past 12 or ever 24 months, I see so many changes that have taken place in my life, and in the person I am. Even though some of those changes have been hard to endure, or hard to look at sometime - I believe that they are all good changes, and that I sit here today a better person, and a better man.
I certainly can't take credit for all of that. I've had the help of some very special people; namely, my family and my partner. Each of them, in their own unique ways, have encouraged me, supported me, tolerated me and loved me along the way. Many would probably think, and some have even voiced to me, that holding together my family, with my wife and children, and at the same time having a boyfriend, would be impossible. But I don't believe in the word impossible. I believe in possibilities. I love challenges, and believe me - there have been plenty of those. But it is precisely because of these challenges that I am able to look at my life with new eyes, and have new thoughts, and come up with new solutions to living a life "outside of the box" and different from what many consider "normal".
I walk around today feeling "blessed" more often than not. I have been able to let go of much of the pain and distrust associated with childhood abuses. It is not gone, and some days are worse than others, but I feel the anger that lives just beneath the surface, begin to ease and to ebb away. And on those days when I'm at my worst rather than my best, I have someone to hold my hand, or rub my back. Someone who understands and who helps me deal with whatever it is that faces me. How can I not feel blessed?!
The rough spots of the past year have had more to do with adjusting to a new way of looking at myself and a new way of looking at my relationships. In some cases I have had to let go of relationships that were false, shallow and not healthy for me. And in the case of my wife, I continue to learn about and deal with redefining our relationship, as we continue to love and support one another; encouraging each other to become the people we were meant to be. Each of us wants to live up to our full potential. Part of the difficulty comes with discovering what that potential may be.
I sit here in the wee hours of this morning, looking forward to the next 12 months. My mind holds wonder for what those months will bring. There is some trepidation, but it's almost like the feeling a child might have before Christmas morning. There is really not much fear that I will find a stocking stuffed with coal, but rather I'm excited about things I can't possibly even fathom yet. I know next year will hold both bad and good, as do all years, but I am so hopeful that the good will be great and the bad will be tolerable because I will not face those times alone.
I wrote a poem just a couple of days ago about being alone. I knew even then that it was one of my "bad" days. Those days are getting fewer and farther between and I am very thankful for that.
To my family I want to say "Thank you" for being so loving, accepting and understanding of my choices, my path and my life. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am today without you. I love you all so very deeply.
To my boyfriend, Al, I want to say "In you, I have found a soulmate, a partner, true honesty, pure love and a life I could not even have imagined!" I am blessed by you each day and you have proven to me that trust is not out of my reach. My love for you is endless.
To the world I want to offer encouragement to keep loving, keep forgiving, keep reaching for your passions so that you will stay inspired and motivated to live a complete and fulfilled life! Bless you all!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
I certainly can't take credit for all of that. I've had the help of some very special people; namely, my family and my partner. Each of them, in their own unique ways, have encouraged me, supported me, tolerated me and loved me along the way. Many would probably think, and some have even voiced to me, that holding together my family, with my wife and children, and at the same time having a boyfriend, would be impossible. But I don't believe in the word impossible. I believe in possibilities. I love challenges, and believe me - there have been plenty of those. But it is precisely because of these challenges that I am able to look at my life with new eyes, and have new thoughts, and come up with new solutions to living a life "outside of the box" and different from what many consider "normal".
I walk around today feeling "blessed" more often than not. I have been able to let go of much of the pain and distrust associated with childhood abuses. It is not gone, and some days are worse than others, but I feel the anger that lives just beneath the surface, begin to ease and to ebb away. And on those days when I'm at my worst rather than my best, I have someone to hold my hand, or rub my back. Someone who understands and who helps me deal with whatever it is that faces me. How can I not feel blessed?!
The rough spots of the past year have had more to do with adjusting to a new way of looking at myself and a new way of looking at my relationships. In some cases I have had to let go of relationships that were false, shallow and not healthy for me. And in the case of my wife, I continue to learn about and deal with redefining our relationship, as we continue to love and support one another; encouraging each other to become the people we were meant to be. Each of us wants to live up to our full potential. Part of the difficulty comes with discovering what that potential may be.
I sit here in the wee hours of this morning, looking forward to the next 12 months. My mind holds wonder for what those months will bring. There is some trepidation, but it's almost like the feeling a child might have before Christmas morning. There is really not much fear that I will find a stocking stuffed with coal, but rather I'm excited about things I can't possibly even fathom yet. I know next year will hold both bad and good, as do all years, but I am so hopeful that the good will be great and the bad will be tolerable because I will not face those times alone.
I wrote a poem just a couple of days ago about being alone. I knew even then that it was one of my "bad" days. Those days are getting fewer and farther between and I am very thankful for that.
To my family I want to say "Thank you" for being so loving, accepting and understanding of my choices, my path and my life. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am today without you. I love you all so very deeply.
To my boyfriend, Al, I want to say "In you, I have found a soulmate, a partner, true honesty, pure love and a life I could not even have imagined!" I am blessed by you each day and you have proven to me that trust is not out of my reach. My love for you is endless.
To the world I want to offer encouragement to keep loving, keep forgiving, keep reaching for your passions so that you will stay inspired and motivated to live a complete and fulfilled life! Bless you all!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Monday, November 06, 2006
11/06/2006 - HAZY MONDAY MORNING...
Ok, so you might think I got lazy by not posting my own thoughts here for a while, and maybe you are right. But sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled and so varied and coming at me constantly from every direction, that I can't line them up and process them in any logical manner that would translate to print. Actually, I spend most of my life like that. Some call it ADD. Some call it extreme distraction. I just know it as "my life". When I do get a train of thought that is somewhat logical and interesting enough for me to want to explore and perhaps share here - then I try to find the time and the words to do it. I also have told myself that I would like to improve my discipline of blogging more regularly - even if there is nothing remotely interesting to write about. So if it seems sometimes like I'm just rambling or thinking out loud (in cyberspace!) then I probably am. Read on or click out!
It was hazy this morning... actually really foggy before I got up. I only know because my boyfriend got up first and looked outside. He let me sleep in because he loves me. Our drive home last night from Arkansas was one of the worst I've ever made. The rain came down so hard and with the 18-wheelers passing - there were many times I could not see the road at all. I was driving blind praying I was not drifting into oncoming traffic. There was also no safe place to pull off the road. Needless to say, I kept our speed slow and we "crawled" home. When we arrived, my muscles ached from the tension. Some hot tea and relaxation helped me fall asleep finally.
Today I'm trying to catch up on work. I came in late but won't take a lunch - other than the few minutes it takes me to write this.
We had a great weekend in Eureka Springs. I had never been before, and I didn't get to see everything on our short visit, but I would like to go back again sometime. It was Diversity Weekend so there were a lot of gay, bi and supportive people visiting. We met some very nice people from all over and may even have gotten some work doing wedding photography for a woman and her fiancee'. My boyfriend also made some design contacts that may translate into some design work for him. It was a relaxing but productive weekend.
We helped my boyfriend's brother celebrate his 30th birthday with his partner and his best friend. That was a lot of fun too!
Now I find myself back in the office on Monday, with a full schedule ahead of me, and hazy skies outside. I'm very at peace with myself today, and ready to face what the day, the week and the future has in store for me.
I pray for peace for you all as well.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
It was hazy this morning... actually really foggy before I got up. I only know because my boyfriend got up first and looked outside. He let me sleep in because he loves me. Our drive home last night from Arkansas was one of the worst I've ever made. The rain came down so hard and with the 18-wheelers passing - there were many times I could not see the road at all. I was driving blind praying I was not drifting into oncoming traffic. There was also no safe place to pull off the road. Needless to say, I kept our speed slow and we "crawled" home. When we arrived, my muscles ached from the tension. Some hot tea and relaxation helped me fall asleep finally.
Today I'm trying to catch up on work. I came in late but won't take a lunch - other than the few minutes it takes me to write this.
We had a great weekend in Eureka Springs. I had never been before, and I didn't get to see everything on our short visit, but I would like to go back again sometime. It was Diversity Weekend so there were a lot of gay, bi and supportive people visiting. We met some very nice people from all over and may even have gotten some work doing wedding photography for a woman and her fiancee'. My boyfriend also made some design contacts that may translate into some design work for him. It was a relaxing but productive weekend.
We helped my boyfriend's brother celebrate his 30th birthday with his partner and his best friend. That was a lot of fun too!
Now I find myself back in the office on Monday, with a full schedule ahead of me, and hazy skies outside. I'm very at peace with myself today, and ready to face what the day, the week and the future has in store for me.
I pray for peace for you all as well.
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Thursday, November 02, 2006
11/02/2006 - OH, AMERICA...
This bears repeating…
We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the USA. Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title "C"ntarea Americii, meaning "Ode To America") in the Romanian newspaper Evenime ntulzilei, translated as "The Daily Event" or "News of the Day."
~An Ode to America~
Why are Americans so united?
They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color!
They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.
Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart.
Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army, or the secret service that they are only a bunch of losers.
Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts.
Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.
Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag.
They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.
On every occasion, they started singing: "God Bless America!"
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was
Or, of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorist and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?
Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes.
And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.
What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way?
Their land?
Their history?
Their economic Power?
Money?
I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.
I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion...
Only freedom can work such miracles.
Cornel Nistorescu
Sometimes It takes a person on the outside - looking in - to see what we take for granted!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the USA. Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title "C"ntarea Americii, meaning "Ode To America") in the Romanian newspaper Evenime ntulzilei, translated as "The Daily Event" or "News of the Day."
~An Ode to America~
Why are Americans so united?
They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color!
They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.
Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart.
Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army, or the secret service that they are only a bunch of losers.
Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts.
Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.
Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag.
They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.
On every occasion, they started singing: "God Bless America!"
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was
Or, of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorist and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?
Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes.
And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.
What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way?
Their land?
Their history?
Their economic Power?
Money?
I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.
I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion...
Only freedom can work such miracles.
Cornel Nistorescu
Sometimes It takes a person on the outside - looking in - to see what we take for granted!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
10/11/2006 - SOULMATE...
Here is an excerpt from an online article by Barrie Dolnick which I wanted to share. Barrie Dolnick helps people find love and happiness by understanding their stars and their karmic energy. She is the author of twelve books, including Enlighten Up! and KarmaBabe. Her website is www.barriedolnick.com.
Also, the word soulmate is usually spelled as two words, but for personal reasons, my partner and I spell it as a single, unified word. I’ve adjusted this post accordingly. If that bothers you… get over it!
The truth about Soulmates
We’ve all heard stories about people who lock eyes across a crowded room and know for sure they’ll marry each other. They are soulmates, right? Could be. But that’s not the only way you meet them, and it’s certainly not always instant love. Toss your preconceived notions about soulmates and learn what the experts say. It may surprise you.
Soulmates are matches made in heaven. According to Yale Chaplain Rabbi James Ponet, traditional (Judeo-Christian) ideas about soulmates are summed up in this 2nd Century story:
A wealthy Roman matron says to a rabbinic sage, “Since your Creator God made the universe in seven days, what’s he been doing since?” The Sage replied, “He's been making couples.” The Roman woman says, “I can do that!” She proceeds to command one hundred slaves to be coupled off and sends them to a great dwelling. After one night, the place is in shambles; the couples have fought and degenerated into chaos. In defeat and shame, she goes back to the Sage and says, “Oh, that’s no minor thing that your God does.”
And that’s why it is common to believe that marriages are made in heaven. In Hebrew the word is B’shert—roughly translated as “beloved” or “The One.” This is where the basic idea of soulmates originates.
Soulmates are not a one-shot deal. Don’t panic. You didn’t miss meeting your soulmate when you skipped going to that party last weekend. Soulmates find you if you’re open to them. Besides, you don’t have one great love—you have many potential great loves. According to New York Minister and Psycho-Spiritual Counselor, Susan Lemak, soulmates are profound soul connections in your life. When you’re with one, you stop looking, so you’re not aware of the other potential soulmates around you. While you’re thinking how hard it is to find The One, the reality is that it’s hard for you to choose. A soulmate is someone who reflects or matches your energy and your path in life. A soulmate is someone whose power and potential are complementary to your own. And you’ll find them in the most unlikely places. Lemak adds, “You know that great person sitting near you at work? The one who makes you laugh, but might be 10 pounds overweight? Maybe not the coolest person—but dig a little deeper. You could find a soulmate in there.”
Soulmates are about work, not play. The word “soul” opens a gigantic can of karma. While dating and light relationships are all about fun and playfulness, soulmates are all about deep emotional support, trust and faith. When you choose to go deeper with someone, you’re opening yourself up—you get emotionally naked. Susan Strong, San Mateo-based astrologer and metaphysical counselor jokes, “Sometimes our soulmates become our cross to bear. You marry someone who is your soulmate and, over time, you realize you’re connected not just through chemistry, but because you are there to help each other.”
Most guys don’t think about soulmates, no matter what “The Bachelor” says. Strong also considers the very concept of soulmates a more feminine event. “Men don’t look for soulmates nor do they really think about meeting their soulmate. Sure, a man can be in a happy, committed, connected relationship, but he won’t necessarily tell his friends that he’s with his soulmate.” Women are more aware of a soul connection because they are more introspective in that way. Women need to feel a deeper connection with a man. That soul connection is there—but (some) men just don’t define it.
Soulmates are not necessarily permanent. Like the ending of a fairytale, we’re often raised to believe that a soulmate is our “happily over after.” How old were you when realized that fairy tales don’t come true? Soulmates are certainly considered the prince charming and his princess of modern romance. Yet what happens if your romance goes sour—that soulmate turns out to be a bum? Of course you’re not out of luck. You move on, heal, and open up to the next soulmate. If you look at the traditional idea of soulmates, your beloved, you’ll realize that a higher force may have more than one love in store for you. To love someone and be loved is a deeply spiritual state.
In the words of St. Theresa of Avila,
Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Also, the word soulmate is usually spelled as two words, but for personal reasons, my partner and I spell it as a single, unified word. I’ve adjusted this post accordingly. If that bothers you… get over it!
The truth about Soulmates
We’ve all heard stories about people who lock eyes across a crowded room and know for sure they’ll marry each other. They are soulmates, right? Could be. But that’s not the only way you meet them, and it’s certainly not always instant love. Toss your preconceived notions about soulmates and learn what the experts say. It may surprise you.
Soulmates are matches made in heaven. According to Yale Chaplain Rabbi James Ponet, traditional (Judeo-Christian) ideas about soulmates are summed up in this 2nd Century story:
A wealthy Roman matron says to a rabbinic sage, “Since your Creator God made the universe in seven days, what’s he been doing since?” The Sage replied, “He's been making couples.” The Roman woman says, “I can do that!” She proceeds to command one hundred slaves to be coupled off and sends them to a great dwelling. After one night, the place is in shambles; the couples have fought and degenerated into chaos. In defeat and shame, she goes back to the Sage and says, “Oh, that’s no minor thing that your God does.”
And that’s why it is common to believe that marriages are made in heaven. In Hebrew the word is B’shert—roughly translated as “beloved” or “The One.” This is where the basic idea of soulmates originates.
Soulmates are not a one-shot deal. Don’t panic. You didn’t miss meeting your soulmate when you skipped going to that party last weekend. Soulmates find you if you’re open to them. Besides, you don’t have one great love—you have many potential great loves. According to New York Minister and Psycho-Spiritual Counselor, Susan Lemak, soulmates are profound soul connections in your life. When you’re with one, you stop looking, so you’re not aware of the other potential soulmates around you. While you’re thinking how hard it is to find The One, the reality is that it’s hard for you to choose. A soulmate is someone who reflects or matches your energy and your path in life. A soulmate is someone whose power and potential are complementary to your own. And you’ll find them in the most unlikely places. Lemak adds, “You know that great person sitting near you at work? The one who makes you laugh, but might be 10 pounds overweight? Maybe not the coolest person—but dig a little deeper. You could find a soulmate in there.”
Soulmates are about work, not play. The word “soul” opens a gigantic can of karma. While dating and light relationships are all about fun and playfulness, soulmates are all about deep emotional support, trust and faith. When you choose to go deeper with someone, you’re opening yourself up—you get emotionally naked. Susan Strong, San Mateo-based astrologer and metaphysical counselor jokes, “Sometimes our soulmates become our cross to bear. You marry someone who is your soulmate and, over time, you realize you’re connected not just through chemistry, but because you are there to help each other.”
Most guys don’t think about soulmates, no matter what “The Bachelor” says. Strong also considers the very concept of soulmates a more feminine event. “Men don’t look for soulmates nor do they really think about meeting their soulmate. Sure, a man can be in a happy, committed, connected relationship, but he won’t necessarily tell his friends that he’s with his soulmate.” Women are more aware of a soul connection because they are more introspective in that way. Women need to feel a deeper connection with a man. That soul connection is there—but (some) men just don’t define it.
Soulmates are not necessarily permanent. Like the ending of a fairytale, we’re often raised to believe that a soulmate is our “happily over after.” How old were you when realized that fairy tales don’t come true? Soulmates are certainly considered the prince charming and his princess of modern romance. Yet what happens if your romance goes sour—that soulmate turns out to be a bum? Of course you’re not out of luck. You move on, heal, and open up to the next soulmate. If you look at the traditional idea of soulmates, your beloved, you’ll realize that a higher force may have more than one love in store for you. To love someone and be loved is a deeply spiritual state.
In the words of St. Theresa of Avila,
Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Thursday, September 07, 2006
09/07/2006 - NO MORE DRAMA...
I received an email from a good friend today. It was related to something I had already read about in the news and had received other spam mail about from various anonymous sources. Because this email came from a friend, I felt compelled to reply. The subject of all this activity is an ABC miniseries "docudrama" titled "The Path To 9/11" and is scheduled for release on the anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. My good friend and I don't necessarily see things eye-to-eye politically, but I'm fairly certain we want pretty much the same general things for our lives and for our country. Things like respect, honesty, true freedom, acceptance, equality, to name a few. We simply have different ideas about how to get those things. I'm going to include his email and my response below, and then get on with my busy day.
ORIGINAL MESSAGE
Subject: A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 12:34:08 -0700 (PDT)
Isn't it interesting in the immediate days right before a major national election, the party that has always been about lies, misdeeds, and unscrupulous behavior is out ot do it again!
What's most shameful is that this so called 'docudrama' is about 9/11, on the very ANNIVERSARY of 9/11! Has the Republican Party no shame? Not that everyone in the party is this way, just the one in control.
RESPONSE
Have you seen this docudrama? I'm guessing not since it isn't released yet. What do YOU know about it that you weren't told by someone else? Probably someone you haven't even met! Why would I lend my support to keeping something off of television that I haven't even seen? And why would you? The subject line of this email states "A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud". How can you possibly know that without having seen it? Whatever happened to letting people make up their own minds about the information they receive (and letting them receive it FIRST)?
What are the Democrats so afraid of with this film? This all kind of reminds me of the church's reaction to Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" or "The Da Vinci Code".
I think, as a whole, the Democrats and Republicans, just like organized religion, engage in the exact same kinds of puerile and underhanded tactics - such as censorship of any information that disagrees with their views (whether factual or not). Other than this little commentary in response to the email, I'm not getting caught up in this latest brouhaha over yet another version of someone's drama. Hell - they even call it a docuDRAMA - indicating that events have been dramatized/fictionalized - so why is everyone so surprised? The Da Vinci Code was written as FICTION and still the Pope and his lemmings all got their panties wadded and wedgied!
The real shame is that the general public will never know who's telling the truth anyway - the one who says it happened this way - or the one who says it didn't. Unless there is documented proof (video, transcripts, etc.) that can be verified - it is ALL hearsay.
In the end we are left to judge a man's (or woman's) word by what we see in their character, and there's a huge shortage of good character out there in both camps, Republican and Democrat. Don't even get me started on the churches!
God bless America, and each of the legal, decent citizens who call it their home.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
ORIGINAL MESSAGE
Subject: A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 12:34:08 -0700 (PDT)
Isn't it interesting in the immediate days right before a major national election, the party that has always been about lies, misdeeds, and unscrupulous behavior is out ot do it again!
What's most shameful is that this so called 'docudrama' is about 9/11, on the very ANNIVERSARY of 9/11! Has the Republican Party no shame? Not that everyone in the party is this way, just the one in control.
RESPONSE
Have you seen this docudrama? I'm guessing not since it isn't released yet. What do YOU know about it that you weren't told by someone else? Probably someone you haven't even met! Why would I lend my support to keeping something off of television that I haven't even seen? And why would you? The subject line of this email states "A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud". How can you possibly know that without having seen it? Whatever happened to letting people make up their own minds about the information they receive (and letting them receive it FIRST)?
What are the Democrats so afraid of with this film? This all kind of reminds me of the church's reaction to Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" or "The Da Vinci Code".
I think, as a whole, the Democrats and Republicans, just like organized religion, engage in the exact same kinds of puerile and underhanded tactics - such as censorship of any information that disagrees with their views (whether factual or not). Other than this little commentary in response to the email, I'm not getting caught up in this latest brouhaha over yet another version of someone's drama. Hell - they even call it a docuDRAMA - indicating that events have been dramatized/fictionalized - so why is everyone so surprised? The Da Vinci Code was written as FICTION and still the Pope and his lemmings all got their panties wadded and wedgied!
The real shame is that the general public will never know who's telling the truth anyway - the one who says it happened this way - or the one who says it didn't. Unless there is documented proof (video, transcripts, etc.) that can be verified - it is ALL hearsay.
In the end we are left to judge a man's (or woman's) word by what we see in their character, and there's a huge shortage of good character out there in both camps, Republican and Democrat. Don't even get me started on the churches!
God bless America, and each of the legal, decent citizens who call it their home.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Monday, August 14, 2006
08/14/2006 - MEASURING...
Today I seem to be struggling with the idea that being busy should always result in quantifiable and measurable outputs. That's the way it is at work. We get measured by what we produce - and when we are really busy - we end up with more "product" to show for it. But life outside of the workforce doesn't seem to follow that same rule.
Instead, I look at my calendar and see very few slots of time where I don't have something going on. But when the day, week, month or year is gone - I find myself looking for the things "produced" from all of that activity. Do you ever look at the clock late at night and ask yourself "where did the day go?" You know it was a long and hectic (i.e. busy) day - but you don't feel like you have enough to show for it. Well, that's what I'm struggling with in my mind today.
I just celebrated two anniversaries last week. One was the 22nd anniversary of marriage to my wife, and the other was the 8th anniversary with my current employer. In both cases, I can see a lot of output over the years, but I still find myself wondering where the time went - and if I did "enough" with that time.
I'm sure if you asked 100 different people how they measure "success" over time - you would get somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 different answers and methods or measuring. So, for me as well, this feeling is part of an internal and personal struggle.
I've never worked for a company for 8 years before. I'm not sure I ever wanted to work somewhere for that long a period of time, because I used to think that meant doing pretty much the same thing over and over for years. I've had to change my thoughts about that since my current company is so large and I've actually held several different jobs, in different disciplines and with different groups of people - so it hardly seems like working in the same place after all. Someday I'm sure I'll leave - or at least transfer to another part of the world - just for a change of scenery and culture.
22 years of marriage is also nothing to sneeze at. I've always been proud of being married - even when my wife and I started moving in different directions about 4 or so years ago, the marriage itself was something we trusted in and felt strongly about. We drew a lot of personal strength from being a family and from being parents and partners in raising our children. That's why it was really hard for me, and strange, that we really didn't do anything to celebrate it this year. It's actually 25 years now that we have been together, since we dated for three years prior to getting married, but it seems like we are less "together" now than we have ever been, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.
My wife and I have been concentrating on "finding our own way" and our own lives - apart or separated from one another - while trying to stay together as partners in parenting and as a family. That has worked well for us in the past but may have run its course now. The kids are pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. Though two still live at home, one is in college and working and the other is about to start his senior year in high school and spends a lot of time developing his art. Which leaves my wife and I with very little interaction.
I have a partner with whom I spend as much time as possible, and my wife has been spending her time with friends, on dates or online meeting new men - looking for her "self" and "her own way". The more we do this - the more awkward it seems for us to come together and "reconnect" as parents and as friends. I've never done this before so I don't know if what we are doing is normal or the "right" way or not, but I do know it is impossible to go back to where we used to be - and very hard to see the direction we should be taking ahead!
I have faith that she and I are good people, good parents and good friends. We may not be able to be at our best around each other right now - but in the long run, we will find ways to tap into all of the love and goodness that God has bestowed upon us and within us and we will not only find our way to fulfillment and happiness - but also find our way through past hurts to the place called forgiveness. When that happens - we will truly celebrate!
So I look at my job and all of the experience that now covers my resume' and can see that I've gotten a lot out of my 8 years with this employer. I also look at my children and the adults they have become and are still becoming and it makes me very proud to be their father. I think it is even fair to say that with children - with my three anyway - I get out far more than I ever put in. And I measure the outputs in smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, tears and the lifetime of "togetherness" shared up until now, and the promise of what is yet to come!
Remember - love today like there is no tomorrow!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Instead, I look at my calendar and see very few slots of time where I don't have something going on. But when the day, week, month or year is gone - I find myself looking for the things "produced" from all of that activity. Do you ever look at the clock late at night and ask yourself "where did the day go?" You know it was a long and hectic (i.e. busy) day - but you don't feel like you have enough to show for it. Well, that's what I'm struggling with in my mind today.
I just celebrated two anniversaries last week. One was the 22nd anniversary of marriage to my wife, and the other was the 8th anniversary with my current employer. In both cases, I can see a lot of output over the years, but I still find myself wondering where the time went - and if I did "enough" with that time.
I'm sure if you asked 100 different people how they measure "success" over time - you would get somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 different answers and methods or measuring. So, for me as well, this feeling is part of an internal and personal struggle.
I've never worked for a company for 8 years before. I'm not sure I ever wanted to work somewhere for that long a period of time, because I used to think that meant doing pretty much the same thing over and over for years. I've had to change my thoughts about that since my current company is so large and I've actually held several different jobs, in different disciplines and with different groups of people - so it hardly seems like working in the same place after all. Someday I'm sure I'll leave - or at least transfer to another part of the world - just for a change of scenery and culture.
22 years of marriage is also nothing to sneeze at. I've always been proud of being married - even when my wife and I started moving in different directions about 4 or so years ago, the marriage itself was something we trusted in and felt strongly about. We drew a lot of personal strength from being a family and from being parents and partners in raising our children. That's why it was really hard for me, and strange, that we really didn't do anything to celebrate it this year. It's actually 25 years now that we have been together, since we dated for three years prior to getting married, but it seems like we are less "together" now than we have ever been, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.
My wife and I have been concentrating on "finding our own way" and our own lives - apart or separated from one another - while trying to stay together as partners in parenting and as a family. That has worked well for us in the past but may have run its course now. The kids are pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. Though two still live at home, one is in college and working and the other is about to start his senior year in high school and spends a lot of time developing his art. Which leaves my wife and I with very little interaction.
I have a partner with whom I spend as much time as possible, and my wife has been spending her time with friends, on dates or online meeting new men - looking for her "self" and "her own way". The more we do this - the more awkward it seems for us to come together and "reconnect" as parents and as friends. I've never done this before so I don't know if what we are doing is normal or the "right" way or not, but I do know it is impossible to go back to where we used to be - and very hard to see the direction we should be taking ahead!
I have faith that she and I are good people, good parents and good friends. We may not be able to be at our best around each other right now - but in the long run, we will find ways to tap into all of the love and goodness that God has bestowed upon us and within us and we will not only find our way to fulfillment and happiness - but also find our way through past hurts to the place called forgiveness. When that happens - we will truly celebrate!
So I look at my job and all of the experience that now covers my resume' and can see that I've gotten a lot out of my 8 years with this employer. I also look at my children and the adults they have become and are still becoming and it makes me very proud to be their father. I think it is even fair to say that with children - with my three anyway - I get out far more than I ever put in. And I measure the outputs in smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, tears and the lifetime of "togetherness" shared up until now, and the promise of what is yet to come!
Remember - love today like there is no tomorrow!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Friday, July 28, 2006
07/28/2006 - BLAH BLAH BLOG...
I don't usually just write in the blog without something particular on my mind, but it's been TOO long since I've added an update, and I've been so buried in spreadsheets today at work that I have to take a break. So here I am...
It's Friday and that's a good thing! Nothing big planned for the weekend except possibly a trip to Hurricane Harbor with some friends. That place is always fun. Of course, I love the water.
My son is 17 and drove a car for the first time yesterday. He called his mom and told her it was the most harrowing experience of his life! I'm glad he is taking it seriously and we told him to hang in there, it was like that for us at his age too. :) It is scary to think of him driving though. I tease my daughter all the time that she's already hit everything in town. That is a slight exaggeration. My son is generally a more careful person. I hope that is also reflected in his driving skills.
Life for me has been good lately. My partner and I moved to a bigger place. It seems much more like "our place" even though I still live at home with my wife and kids too. I guess you can say I have two homes right now. I think sometimes living this way is more difficult than just moving out all at once but I take it as part of the "transition". As far as I can tell - everyone seems to be handling it well, although we all have our "tough" days too.
Being in my current position is hard to define. I'm not "between" partners - I'm in the middle of having "overlapping" partners... my wife and my boyfriend. I love and care for them both - and yet still have to find time for my kids and for myself. Some days it is harder to tell if the balance is working but I continue to try and do my best without getting too stressed over what others think and feel. That's the hard part for me.
I decided (again) this week that my life really shouldn't be based on what other's think or feel is right for me. I have come to that conclusion many times before but I always seem to migrate back to being a "pleaser" and whether I act on that impulse or not, the pressure to make others happy is always on me. I'm not sure what I want to do about it either - but I want the end result to be a healthy one for me.
I think this is all for today. I'm a bit stressed and need to go decompress. I think I'll take in a movie with my bf. Then perhaps go out and drink heavily (but responsibly!). I hope that all of the people close to me in this journey and in my life know that I love them, care for them and need them. I may not always be doing enough to get that message across. For that I can only hope for their understanding and mercy.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
It's Friday and that's a good thing! Nothing big planned for the weekend except possibly a trip to Hurricane Harbor with some friends. That place is always fun. Of course, I love the water.
My son is 17 and drove a car for the first time yesterday. He called his mom and told her it was the most harrowing experience of his life! I'm glad he is taking it seriously and we told him to hang in there, it was like that for us at his age too. :) It is scary to think of him driving though. I tease my daughter all the time that she's already hit everything in town. That is a slight exaggeration. My son is generally a more careful person. I hope that is also reflected in his driving skills.
Life for me has been good lately. My partner and I moved to a bigger place. It seems much more like "our place" even though I still live at home with my wife and kids too. I guess you can say I have two homes right now. I think sometimes living this way is more difficult than just moving out all at once but I take it as part of the "transition". As far as I can tell - everyone seems to be handling it well, although we all have our "tough" days too.
Being in my current position is hard to define. I'm not "between" partners - I'm in the middle of having "overlapping" partners... my wife and my boyfriend. I love and care for them both - and yet still have to find time for my kids and for myself. Some days it is harder to tell if the balance is working but I continue to try and do my best without getting too stressed over what others think and feel. That's the hard part for me.
I decided (again) this week that my life really shouldn't be based on what other's think or feel is right for me. I have come to that conclusion many times before but I always seem to migrate back to being a "pleaser" and whether I act on that impulse or not, the pressure to make others happy is always on me. I'm not sure what I want to do about it either - but I want the end result to be a healthy one for me.
I think this is all for today. I'm a bit stressed and need to go decompress. I think I'll take in a movie with my bf. Then perhaps go out and drink heavily (but responsibly!). I hope that all of the people close to me in this journey and in my life know that I love them, care for them and need them. I may not always be doing enough to get that message across. For that I can only hope for their understanding and mercy.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
05/24/2006 - TRUE FRIENDS...
My dad sent this to me the other day - and except for some minor tweaks - I have included it here unchanged. I laughed when I read this because it is VERY much like me. I hope you enjoy it as well. :)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this post - just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will speak slower and use smaller words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Remember: Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Friday, May 12, 2006
05/12/2006 - LETTING GO...
I've always been the kind of person who gathers things from various places, whether I need them or not, and brings them home for "future use". Call me a "collector". It has a better ring to it than, say... "dumpster diver"! Although, I remember all the way back in grade school, in June, after school was out, I would go behind the school and go through the dumpsters and find all the really "cool" stuff that the janitors and teachers had thrown away. Friends and I would get the used fluorescent tubes and play swords! Ultimately exploding the tubes on the cement with utter joy! We had light sabers before Star Wars came around! But I stray from the story... remember this point... I'm a "collector".The thing about us "collectors" is that we turn into what other people sometimes refer to as "pack rats"! That's because we can collect much easier and faster than we can consume or use the items we store away. Often we don't even know what we will use something for. We just know that there is a "purpose" for the item somewhere in the future! Needless to say - we have space issues, storage issues, priority issues, and in particular... issues with letting our "stuff" go.
At this point in time, no vehicles can be parked in my two-car garage. One reason for that is that I did not put the 24 storage tubs of Christmas decorations (yes, more stuff!) back into the attic yet. But even if I did, there wouldn't be room for a car. My den has stacks of boxes and tubs that have to be moved just to get to the closet. I have stacks and stacks of books I plan to read someday, after I retire... maybe.
I plan to go through all these things, and have made several well-intentioned attempts to "clear things out" and get rid of things I don't need. But, the stuff usually wins.
I've been thinking about this aspect of my personality a lot lately. Not because I keep stubbing my toe on the stacks of boxes, or because it is a literal struggle to walk through my garage with my briefcase and camera bag each evening... but because I have realized I have trouble letting go of a lot of things - and not just "stuff".
This past week, as I struggled to develop and maintain two mySpace profiles, I realized how much time it was taking out of my days. I began to evaluate all the time I spend on those profiles, and the three websites I maintain, and emails accounts I have to check, read and answer for work and my personal email, and I came to the realization that I was simply running out of time! I asked myself why I was adding new mySpace profiles and came to the conclusion that it was so I could stay in touch with my friends, several of whom had urged me to get on mySpace!
So, there I was - tired, frustrated, running out of time and not knowing what to do about it all. I truly felt that each profile was a connection for me to someone, some friend or friends somewhere. And after all, we all want to be connected. We all want to belong. So it was somewhat against my nature when I started to think about closing some profiles. It made sense that I closed the mySpace because it was the newest and the one that took more time to maintain than some others. I also discovered that the need to simplify my life was greater than the need to "hold on" to my new "friend connections". It helped for me to realize that I'm not really cutting off contact with my friends, because they have my email and phone number. I was simply letting go of ONLY ONE way or method of reaching me.
This process of trying to simplify my life by reducing unnecessary elements, led me to think even deeper about my issues with letting go, and how this relates to people I know.
Even though I've always been shy, and it is hard for me to approach new people, once I was able to develop a rapport with someone, I have always considered them friends for life. Until the last 3 years, I had no concept of turning away a friend. Sure, sometimes we grow apart from people and lose track - but I had never considered cutting anyone out of my life intentionally. That is until I attracted a stalker! This stalker had been a friend, and because of that I made concession after concession and excuse after excuse and only when he became a danger to myself and my family did I tell him to leave us alone and never contact us again. At that point, I felt it was a need - even though it hurt me to do that to someone I once called friend.
But now, my thoughts are different. I'm looking at the people in my life and seeing that they too take time to care for, to nurture, to support and to encourage. All the things we do for our friends. And I realized that my time and resources are limited in this area as well. I had to start looking at individuals and ask myself - am I benefiting from this relationship - or is it more one-sided? Is there too much "take" and not enough "give" to support a friendship we can refer to as "healthy"? The collector in me says "You can never have too many friends!" but reality has begun to teach me a little different. First, I have to figure out what a true friend should look like. Just because someone is friendly and fun to be around - they may not really be bringing enough substance or positive energy to your life to sustain a true friendship. I think that if a person is a true friend, then the friendship is mutually beneficial to both parties. If that isn't the case - perhaps we need to let them "go" as friends, and be satisfied to consider them acquaintances instead - but then also limit the amount of energy and resources we devote to them - reserving enough energy and resources to keep ourselves healthy and our true friendships healthy as well.
I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this - but I do know I have people in my life whom I have considered friends, but who in reality take far more energy and resources than they give, sometimes bringing more drama than peace to my life and who may also be complicating and jeopardizing my true friendships as a result. I'll have to think more about this topic, and may find that rather than holding onto something or someone who is draining me instead of supporting me, I may just have to begin letting go...
May you each find peace, love and friendship in the truest sense...
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Thursday, April 20, 2006
04/20/2006 - THE HEAT IS ON...
Hey all!!! WoW! It's been a month since I was last on here... NO I was not on vacation. I've just been very very bizzayyyyy!!!I guess the highlights since my last post include attending TBRU (Texas Bear Round-Up) in Dallas over the last weekend of March. Then I went to Corpus Christi and Padre Island to attend a wedding in which my bf was a groomsman. And then last weekend was Easter and on Sunday I took my bf, my wife and my kids down to the park off of Turtle Creek in Dallas to picnic and to watch the annual "Pooch Parade"!
TBRU has never been much of an "event" for me because I have never registered and done the whole "run" with all of its activities. Instead, I just go out in the gayborhood and to the clubs and bars to meet people - either new friends or old friends who are visiting from out of town. It is always fun and a little less hectic since I don't have the event schedule to keep up with! This year was the same. I got to meet some new people and see some other friends who I hadn't seen since last year. It was fun to relax and play catch-up over a few Bud Lite's! :) My bf and I spent the weekend just chillin either at his place or at Buli (awesome coffee shop on Cedar Springs) or at one patio or another! We both had a really good time.
The wedding in Corpus started out as a good excuse for a road-trip but turned out to be a total BLAST! The couple that got married have actually been married for 9 years, but that was done at the Justice of the Peace and the bride wanted a church wedding! But by including the bf and I - I believe she got much more than she bargained for! She and her husband and all of their family and friends turned out to be just the nicest, sweetest, funnest and most down-to-earth people that you would ever want to meet!
I was asked to do the photography for the pre-party, wedding and after-party (yes - they partayyyy!) and decided I would do that as a wedding gift, although several people had offered to pay for pictures. I took almost 1000 pics during the weekend. The one down-spot for me was that one of my memory cards had become corrupted and I lost about 250 pictures- including all the really good ones of the children at the reception. I'm STILL BUMMED!!! (moving on...)
The wedding couple and their friends took us on a limo tour of Corpus and parts of Padre while we drank and joked as the driver just rolled his eyes. I can't even go into all the different things we did that night - but believe me, it was crazy, unexpected and some of the things we did were just very, VERY WRONG!!!! LOL - but most of all - it was FUN! (and not entirely illegal!) We've been in touch with that crew almost daily since we came home and we all can't wait for a chance to get together again!
Easter this year was definitely different for me. In the most recent years prior - I would be all tied up in church activities - preparing for the Good Friday service, and then for the Easter Sunday service, and last year we even had a service on Saturday night! But with the my old church now officially defunct - I was free to do whatever I wanted! What a good feeling that was! So I decided to have the whole family go down to the park and watch Dallas' annual "pooch parade"! I'm not sure of the official name but a lot of people will dress up their dogs and even themselves to put on a parade for the people in the park. We got their with our fried chicken, mashed potatoes and our blankets and grabbed a spot in the shade! It got VERY VERY HOT that day - might have even broke 100F. Other friends called and came out to meet us and visit. It was just a real nice, relaxing time. It was really cool to include my kids, my wife and my boyfriend in this special way.
Well - that should have me caught up on the latest about what is going on with me... I hope that all of you are enjoying life, following your dreams and being kind to those around you. If not - you BETTER START!
Love and peace!
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
03/21/2006 - FOOD FOR THOUGHT...
This was sent to me by the man I love. I believe it applies to us all. So I wanted to share...
As you grow up…
You will learn that the one person who wasn't ever supposed to let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it gets harder to handle each time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
And
You will eventually lose someone you love
Go ahead and take too many pictures
Make as many memories as you can
Laugh too much and too loud
And love like you've never been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
So…Wait for the ONE who…
…calls you beautiful instead of hot
…calls you back after you hang up on them
…will stay awake just to watch you sleep
…kisses your forehead
…wants to show you off to the world when you are in baggy pants and a torn T-shirt
…holds your hand in front of their friends
.…is constantly reminding you of how much they care about you
…says how lucky they are to have you
…turns to their friends and points to you and says, "..there he/she is – they are the ONE for me!"
WOOF ya later!
- bbw
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