08/22/2010 - LOVE: A POWERFUL DRUG...

As the Sunday afternoon shadows grow longer and the weekend comes to a close, I reflect on the steps of my life that brought me here, to this moment, right now.

I could judge and blame myself, or others - but in truth, our lives are made up of a strange fabric, interwoven with all of our experiences collectively. There is nothing that has happened to you, that does not in some remote, unknown way, effect me. The reverse is also true.

So, while the current moment is not one in which I feel like singing and dancing, I do feel a sense of calm beneath it all, for knowing that I made the right decision at the start.

Love in it's purest form cannot be manufactured in yourself or in others. It is either present or it is not. When two people come together in that love - it can be bliss. But when one of two holds on to a secret, that their love, like the image they show to the world, is false, worlds begin to crumble. Pulling yourself from the wreckage of that broken world - and at the same time trying to stop the blood from gushing out of heart ripped apart... is at times, too much to take.

I'm climbing out of the rubble. I'm holding my heart close to me. I'm protecting what I have right now - so that I can stand stronger each day. Part of what gives me strength is knowing that out there, in a place I have not yet discovered, is the true love, the pure love that is meant for me. A love to match my own, and a life that has no need, nor room for lies.

Until I come across that love - I will continue to encourage myself and look to true friends for any help I may need along the way. And when someone with a secret shows up on my doorstep once again, I will be better prepared to recognize their true self and send them on their way.

The words of this song reflect the path I have been on for 5 1/2 years. But in this moment, right now, I have turned my life around and I look into the sun. Bright days are ahead...

Rehab...
Songwriters: Lane, Hannon; Timberlake, Justin; Mosley, Timothy;
Performed by: Rihanna

Baby baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept (?)
You'd do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know it's not meant to be
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
'Cause now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Now ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
My ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Oh! You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/07/2010 - BRIGHT IDEA...

This was passed on to me – so I’m passing it on as well. Let’s all try to take pride in America. To some of you, she may not be what she once was, but if we all do something about it, she can be the best yet!

A physics teacher in high school, once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't slow a train very much, but a billion of them would.

With that thought in mind, read the following, Obviously written by a good American. It’s a good idea, one light bulb at a time . . . .

Check this out . I can verify this because I was in Lowes the other day - I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China. The next day I was in Ace Hardware, and just for the heck of it, I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA.

Start looking --- In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her! Here's her story...

My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.

My favorite toothpaste, Colgate is now made in Mexico. I have switched to Crest.

You have to read the labels on everything.,,

This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 Watt light bulbs and dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand that I normally buy was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value". I picked up both brands of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same, except for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand - - - but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA , in a company in Cleveland, Ohio.

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets..... yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!

So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here. My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your kids or your neighbors!"

If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! (We should have awakened a decade ago!!!!!!)

Let's get with the program ... help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the U.S.A.

Pass it on!

&

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/16/2009 - GROW UP, ALREADY...

I could have just left it alone. And for the most part, I did. I let the media run their circus and I just stayed out of it. Reserving most of my thoughts and opinions and holding them to myself. If you know me at all – you know that’s not simple task! But in this case it was especially important because it was a crucial topic to me personally, and because the media (as usual) rushed to the presses with every little bit of factual and/or fictional detail they could scrounge.

Something bad happened to Rihanna and Christopher “Chris” Maurice (really?) Brown, and from the very earliest reports, it looked a LOT like a domestic abuse case in which Chris brutally and viciously attacked the professed love of his life, injuring her physically and traumatizing her emotionally before leaving her on the side of the road and rushing off to hide.

Today we have a much fuller picture of the events and we know that Chris did indeed do all of the things I listed, and more. Much more. He went so far as to threaten her very life, and who knows, given any slight change in circumstance, like say – she didn’t have a cell phone… he may have carried out that threat. But let’s not suppose anything more than we know. He beat her, bit her and left her injured and dazed on the side of a dark road at night, bleeding and helpless and then he ran to hide.

Then Rihanna files a police report in which she is required to give as much detail as possible, no matter how excruciating it is for her to have to remember or relive, in order for the authorities to get an accurate account of the events both during the attack, but also leading up to and immediately after the attack.

What does Chris do – he waits a few days and then comes forward to answer questions and “just to clear things up” and clear his name, since obviously the media has things wrong and have blown things way out of proportion. At some point, Chris also gives a generic apology online to his fans and the public.

Moving forward, Chris displays some moderate amount of what I’ll call “generic” remorse, still not coming clean and manning up to the fact that he beat the crap out of his girlfriend, and mentions that he is seeking the counsel of his pastor and family and friends. Awww – how nice, how almost sweet, how… what’s the word I’m searching for… whitebread!

In court he enters a plea of guilty (ya think?!) for a felony assault and gets a paltry 5 year probationary sentence. So guess what... Chris Brown is still out on the streets and just released a new album. Which brings me to the entire reason for this blog and why I can no longer hold my tongue.

Chris is not happy with his album sales, and he feels that he is being black-balled by the industry. He has himself reported on Twitter that he’s going into stores to see if they are stocking his CD on their shelves – and when he doesn’t find them – he asks for the manager because he doesn’t think that’s fair. The one instance Chris cites on Twitter about a Walmart where the manager said they didn’t have any of his CD’s is almost funny because Chris goes OFF – and in fact the reason the Walmart didn’t have any was because they had already sold out. The store manager was not aware of this fact. Perhaps Chris should have talked to someone in electronics!

But to Chris’ point – there have been other reports where his Fans have gone into stores and been told by managers that not only are the new CDs not on the shelves, but that they will never be stocked and in fact the stores won’t be carrying any more Chris Brown music. Now the fans and Chris are all in a tizzy and screaming about unfairness and blackballing and WHAAA WHAAA WHAAA!

And so, for you Mr. Christopher Maurice Brown, I have these four words – GROW THE FUCK UP!

In addition, the last time I checked this was still the United States of America. And being such, you have the right to cry and whine all you want. But guess what, stores have the right to stock the products they want to sell. Or, in this case, the right to NOT stock something they don’t want to sell. Just like it is my personal right to buy or NOT buy your CD. Does this make them bad stores, bad managers or bad people? I don’t think so. Some people have a strong sense of indignation for domestic abuse and those that perpetrate it. They may feel especially incensed when the person who causes such violence really never comes out and accepts the responsibility for what they did and takes their punishment like a real man. They may just not have a lot of warm fuzzies for someone like you Mr. Brown. You should count yourself very VERY lucky that you did not end up in prison. I doubt seriously if you would last a day in the joint with even half the poise and dignity that your ex-girlfriend and abuse survivor has done after getting away from you! Or – perhaps these shop managers and business owners feel this is their “own little way” of speaking out against domestic abuse, sort of like a personal protest or boycott. Guess what, if enough people feel that way, you may find yourself some day, working at Walmart and asking “paper or plastic?”.

So think about it. Dood - you got lucky. You and Rihanna both got lucky! You both have a chance to start over and do things right. It appears she is making the most of her 2nd chance. Yet, it appears as though you haven’t learned a thing! Remember, the world doesn’t owe you anything. You are too old to blame your behavior on being a “kid” and too old to blame mommy and daddy! You are in the world now as a man – so please, start acting like one. No – scratch that. You have been “acting” - start BEING a man! In the long run you will be a more fulfilled person, a more prolific and satisfied/satisfying artist and your future girlfriends/fiancée/wife will be much much safer.

With love and respect, I wish you peace and good luck.

To the rest of us – may we learn from our own past mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others, for we are never so different from our brothers.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/01/2009 - WORLD AIDS DAY...

AIDS and HIV... so much more than mere letters, because when we string them together just so, we attach to them things like fear, shame, scorn, stigma, judgment, apathy and hate. Yes, I'm still astounded that we can so easily turn away from, or that we can hate someone just because they utter the letters H I V...

My view of reality is that we are all living with AIDS and HIV. Some of us may choose to deny or ignore it, but that does not remove it from the world, our world. It surrounds us - whether in our own blood, or in the blood of our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers or strangers that pass us by every day. AIDS and HIV is strung through the fabric of our world making that fabric weak in some areas, and stronger in others.

I've never had to sit and cry with a friend as he or she first received the news from their doctor, though they know I would. I've never had to sit with a friend and watch them breathe their last breath, because I've been fortunate enough to have seen them improve and return home. But I have seen the scared and then surprised look on far too many faces, who, after working up the nerve to tell me they were HIV positive, couldn't believe that I loved them even more for telling me, and then embraced them tightly to assure them I was not afraid, and hope maybe they could be a little less afraid too.

My tears have thus far been limited to sorrow for those who have been lost far too soon, and whom I never got to know fully, and my tears of anger for those who use hate and ignorance to fuel their lives, their vocations, and their words when they speak about AIDS and HIV.

I read an article a couple years ago about a preacher’s wife who supported AIDS efforts in Africa. Although her husband and the church did not fully support her, but only humored her in this endeavor, the article painted her a hero. I was all good with this until I read a quote from the woman. She said she struggled with her calling until reaching a point she terms “a surrender to God” as she realized that AIDS “wasn't just a gay disease.” This quote stunned me as I realized the only reason she answered the plight of those people dying from AIDS in Africa, was that she realized they were not gay! So, had she not realized that AIDS wasn’t just a gay disease – those poor African’s, and God for that matter, would just have had to make do without her help! A hero? Not quite. That woman is Kay Warren, wife of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Valley Community Church in Southern California, one of the most influential evangelical churches in the United States. Yes, I have cried tears of sorrow and anger. And yes, sometimes I still do.

But for me today, AIDS and HIV is not about tears, fear, shame, scorn, hate or any of those negatives we can so quickly attach. Today I think we can look to progress, and acceptance, healing and love. There will still be hard times. There will ALWAYS be hard times. But we don’t get through those times by embracing the negativity of things. We must embrace the positives in this life. We must accept what we have before us and truly make the best of life with it. And we must help to make sure that no one is left to do that alone.

I have a partner. I am loved. He and I are thankful for each day, each moment we have together and we have made it a part of our life’s mission as it is our passion, to reach out to others and let them know they are not alone and that each day can get better. Remember, in this world, in this life, in this time, we ALL have AIDS, we ALL have HIV! Let’s deal with it… together.

WOOF ya later!

~ bbw

10/25/2009 - A MANIFESTO: PASS IT ON...

I believe John Spong, a straight, retired bishop from Newark, NJ, is an excellent example of a theologian who "gets it". I have served as an ordained deacon in my own church and have been a part of religious debates and witch-hunts as well as seen the bible used to twist words and to twist the minds of people and turn them against others. I had come to the same conclusion as Mr. Spong a few years ago. I will no longer participate! Those churches and people who do not follow or teach the ALL INCLUSIVE love of Christ - have no place in this world or in my life. Please read this letter from Bishop Spong and pass it on to everyone on your contact list.

A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!
I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant." I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement. I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves. I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one.

I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged.

In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer.

I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude. I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population. I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable.

I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces. We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women? The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite.

I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote.

The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon.

I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union. I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people.

Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever.

This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.

– John Shelby Spong

PASS IT ON...

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/02/2009 - MOVING FORWARD...

It's odd, but I was thinking the other day as I pondered my upbringing and life with my mom and dad and brother - and I came to the conclusion that they have had a profound impact on my life - but not necessarily a very positive one. I came away with this thought...

I've never come across a mountain laying across the path in front of me that I haven't been able to cross or find my way around, but it's always the valleys behind me that keep dragging me down.

There's something profound in those words. And pondering this one thought further - and discussing it with my partner and lifemate - it has led me to another thought...

I must live my life going forward from this point with new eyes... wide open

To Al - I love you Al-ways!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

02/17/2009 - THE JOY AND THE PAIN...

Judging from this blog, it may seem as if my life has been uneventful as of late. Trust me – don’t let my lack of blogging deceive you! Things have been plenty busy!

I notice that my last entry was July 7, 2008. That was the day after my father’s birthday last year. I went back and glanced over my writing to get a sense of what was going on at that point last Summer. I laughed to myself a little remembering the events that led to me writing that blog. I also thought it a little odd that I never even mentioned my dad’s birthday. But then again – maybe it was just an indicator of things to come…

THE JOY
Like I already mentioned, a LOT has gone on since July 7 of last year. I’m just coming off of a WONDERFUL Valentine’s weekend that was preceded by an INCREDIBLE birthday “Season”! It almost seemed like Christmas was extended because Al’s birthday came almost immediately after New Year and then my birthday was right around the corner! And in the meantime we found the time to take a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico! What a splendid way to begin a new year!

Last week, my daughter took me out for a “date”, just the two of us, like we used to do for Valentine’s when she was little. This was more for my birthday, and she took me out – but it was very special, and we hadn’t had time alone like that in a VERY long time. I think we will need to plan that more often.

I’ve been thinking about taking a trip with my son, just he and I, probably next year when he has some time off from school. I did that with my daughter when we went to New York during her Senior year in high school, but he never really got a trip like that. Next year there are no kids graduating so money should be easier to save, and I think he would enjoy a trip where it’s more about him!

Some other things that have happened since last July…well one of the biggest is that my divorce was finally settled and finalized! WOO HOO! I’d like to say it was a completely amicable event from start to finish – but I’ll just say that the divorce ended in a better place than it started. I’m glad to have that part of my life behind me and I look forward to focusing on building a brighter future with Al.

THE PAIN
But even in paradise, not everything is perfect all the time. I’d like to say that every aspect of my life is rosy and now that I’m out of a marriage that was unhealthy and unfulfilling, the universe has re-aligned and hate and bigotry, ignorance and intolerance have just melted away – but if I said that, you would probably have me locked up – and heavily medicated!

The element of this that hits me closest to home is my father. When he came down for my son’s graduation in 2007, he acted like a complete ass. This is no different than the man I’ve known him to be my entire life. But now his “assness” seemed to have more focus – more purpose. He let me know ahead of time he did not want any part of my “other” life and when he got here, he acted like Al did not exist and made it a very public point to pay for my ex-wife’s meals and for my kids – but not for mine or Al’s. I never said a word, but let his behavior speak for itself. Since then, he’s written me Christmas and Birthday cards and aside from tons of junk email, sent me maybe 2 emails in almost 2 years, and mentioned that he doesn’t hear from me often. At the risk of seriously going-off on the man, I’ve chosen to ignore his comment and just continue to thank him for his cards (addressed only to me) and his gifts (checks at Christmas and Birthdays).

What has irked me most is that he still tries to give me parenting advice! His last email advised me to do what’s best for my kids. As if I would do something OTHER than that? The issue I have is that HE never raised any children. He brought home a paycheck and let my mother do ALL of the child rearing. He watched television and went hunting and fishing, and IF we were to go fishing with him, we were not allowed to speak (or even whisper) because that would scare the fish. However – slaps to the head and our crying apparently had no effect on fish-fears whatsoever!

I’m very tempted to reply to his latest email and tell him that it’s not too late for him to follow his own advice. But then again, maybe it is… I have decided it is birthday and Christmas cards only for him from now on. Father’s Day cards are reserved from men who were actually Fathers – not just sperm donors and paycheck providers.

In the meantime, I’ll work on my attitude.
You work on loving everyone around you!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

07/07/2008 – FUNNY WORLD…

What a funny world we live in, filled with funny people. And by “funny” in this context, I mean “odd”.

I’ve often said “It takes all kinds”, but you know what, I’m not sure that ALL kinds are really required. I’m almost certain that there are certain kinds of folks we can do without. In fact, the world might most assuredly be a better place without some types of people. But who wants to be the one to pick who stays and who goes? Well… not me. Not yet anyway.

But that’s not really the point is it. It’s not the actual person – it’s the behavior that is really at issue. It leaves us wondering – WHY do people act like that? WHAT makes a person do that, or say that? But with some people it is hard to separate their identity from their behavior. HOW they are is so intensely related to WHO they are. And I guess that is the basis for how we relate to others. Why we like or dislike someone. We may not REALLY know them, so we judge them based on HOW they come across. That’s really an interesting thing for me to ponder.

Yesterday was the end of a long, fun, tiring holiday weekend for my partner and I. We spent four days and evenings of non-stop running around, traveling to visit friends, going to pool parties, barbecues, softball tournaments, time with family and wrapped it up with a going away party for friends who are moving out of state. When we finally got home Sunday night, unpacked the car, got the laundry going, fed the dog, checked the mail and sat down to check email, we were truly exhausted.

As I cleared my inbox I found an item in my junk-mail box that was appropriately filtered from an address I did not recognize. It was from someone (a guy I have to assume based on the contents of the email) who had been to my blog here and was commenting back to me. By the way, he did not identify himself in the email, but rather, chose to remain anonymous. What was even more odd, is that his translation of what he read in my blog was almost unrecognizable. In addition to taking what I wrote way out of context, this person proceeded to relate to me that he had “been with me” in the past and also with my partner under very “questionable” circumstances. The entire tone was “I’m letting you know I’ve been with you both without the other one knowing… and guess what – this is what we did!”

Now, I’ve encountered people in the past who, for some reason, make it their objective to bust up relationships, for whatever reason. I can’t say I understand it, and I didn’t used to believe it. In fact I used to have an acquaintance who I spoke with on a regular basis both before I was partnered and after, who I was later warned, had tried to break up three other couples I know. I kind of just brushed off this warning as a misunderstanding, but then I heard it again, and again – with pretty concrete examples of what the guy would do. So, for whatever reason, there are people who do this sort of thing. So when I read the email, I just replied back that I have no idea who he is, I seriously doubt that either one of us had been with him and if either had – certainly NOT under the circumstance he described. And then I let it go. I didn’t even bother my partner with it. I knew he was tired and we would talk about it later anyway.

What I didn’t know was that my partner also received an email from this guy – with pretty much the same intentions, but with a different story line. In the note to my partner, there’s no mention of him ever meeting my partner. Instead, he states he met me and then describes things that, if he really knew me, he would know would NEVER have occurred. So my partner asks me if I recognized this email address, and I tell him yes and then I read him the one I received and my reply back. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed because we figured here’s another one of THOSE people; someone who, for some reason, is trying to cause trouble for others. Luckily for us, we don’t get caught up in other people’s drama, and we don’t let them lead us around with their stories - especially some chicken-shit who sends an anonymous email. What is up with that?

So, whether it’s some cheesy sleaze who has nothing better to do than hide behind his anonymous email and make up stories, or some vertically-challenged low class horn-dog from the past with a history of cheating on his partner who messages my partner with the story of how he and I first met, hoping desperately and in vain, for an invitation to our bed, my partner and I have the type of relationship and communication that allows us to smile at this funny world, with all it’s beauty, comedy, and yes, even the oddities, because we know our love is stronger when we are together.

May you also find strength in honesty and love

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/25/2008 – HOLLOWED & BURNED...

My blog today was intended to be something vastly different. Something much lighter but still meaningful to me. Now that will have to wait. Because my mind, heart and very core have been turned and torn in a totally different direction. As I sat here at work getting ready to take lunch at my desk, I thought I’d look at the news online and my eyes caught the headline “Court rejects death penalty for raping children”. Now, I don’t know where you fall in your beliefs about the death penalty, but I believe there are situations that warrant it. Child rape by an adult is one of those situations. Of course I read the article. I can’t say it was a mistake because I want to be an informed person, even about things I find disdainful. It’s just that this issue affects me to my very core, and stirs up in me things I don’t want stirred up. Once again I felt like a child with no voice, trying to scream… and now the supreme court is speaking for me, saying what? It’s not THAT bad? I guess that’s what I got out of the article. Unless the perpetrator kills me – they don’t deserve to die for their crime. I don’t think the supreme court understands child rape or what it means to die… emotionally and spiritually, over and over again. They can’t possibly understand. Well I guess some of them did. The vote was 5 to 4.

"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.

Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.

So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.

I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.

I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.

I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.

I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.

Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - WHY AM I HERE...

Do you ever wake up, or pause in your day, and just wonder why you are where you are in your life? I do. I don’t know if I do it a lot, but I do it, every now and then. It’s not so much that I wonder how I got where I am, although that’s a part of the thought process for sure, but it’s mainly why. Why am I here, in this place, with this job, this partner, at this time in my life? Why?

Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.

Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.

I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.

If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.

Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.

And I continue hacking through the weeds…

Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.

So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.

I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.

Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.

There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.

Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - ON HEROES...

Just a quick scribble. In reading a magazine recently, I came across a quote by an actor I rather admire. He's not considered the "Hollywood Hottie" - but that flavor seems to change weekly. He's just a very good actor who seems to have staying power - and someone with whom I have always felt sort of a kinship without ever really knowing why. After reading the quote, maybe I have a better sense of why. This man comes across as a very deep, very real and very spiritual person. I like that. I identify with that. So... here's his quote. I hope you find something in it for yourself as well.

When asked to name a real life hero, the actor responded...

"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” - John Cusack

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/13/2008 – TIME TO BREATHE…

It seems that for some time now, I have been holding my breath. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought I would do that and time would stand still. Maybe I was thinking I could preserve some of what I had in my life if I just held my breath long enough. But, long enough for what? I’m not completely sure. The closest thing I can relate this to is when I was a small boy, I used to think that old people were trying to poison me. So, whenever I passed old people on the street or in shops in town, I would hold my breath until they were well past me. Sometimes this was rather difficult if I came upon a large group of them – but somehow I managed not to pass out! And so lately, it has seemed like that again. Like I had been holding my breath. Waiting for something bad to pass. And now, having reached a settlement agreement on my divorce during mediation… it seems like the right time to take a breath of air again. Fresh air.

In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.

Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.

So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.

I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.

2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/30/2008 - THANKS GEORGE...

The following has been attributed to George Carlin. Supposedly he wrote this after his wife passed away. I cannot validate whether or not he is in fact the author, but it seems like something he would write. He's always had a keen sense of wisdom injected into his humor. It is that sense of wisdom that shines through here - but the sense of humor is not alltogether lost. I've decided to go ahead and give him credit. Thanks George!

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin


God Bless and...
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/11/2008 - NO IMMUNITY...

I must admit - I am not immune. Sometimes I fall into the same trap I try to warn others against, and it's not only embarrassing, but it's humbling. I would say the humbling part is a good thing - it helps to keep me/us "real" and remind us that we are not faultless and yes, sometimes that glass house is our own.

On January 17 of this year I posted a blog titled Crazy Times, and it held up "Muslim" or Islamic ideals and compared them with "American" ideals, basically to show how inconsistent the two are and how they, like oil and water, don't fundamentally mix. That in itself isn't a bad exercise - but the big OOPS that leaves me feeling so humbled and foolish - is that I drank the same "internet kool-aid" that led me and so many others to believe for a "fact" that Barack Obama was a Muslim. At the time - I had never heard Mr. Obama state that he was Muslim - but I got emails and read internet blather almost daily that said so. AND his name seemed to fit that image as well. AND he never publicly stated that he was NOT a muslim... that is, until some months later.

Now I have heard from his very mouth that he is in fact a Christian, who reads the Bible - and well, I'll say it again - I feel foolish. I fell into the trap of the haters and I put on their sheep's skin and walked on all fours like them...

So I ask that Mr. Obama forgive me, and that you forgive me as well. It proves to me how easy it is to "believe" something when we hear it stated as fact, particularly when it is stated in a public place by seemingly professional and "knowing" people - over and over again! Much like Hillary's account of entering Bosnia under sniper fire. Had I not been informed by others who were there, I would believe her. She would have liked that.

Thanks to all of you for your love, your support, your forgiveness! Let's continue to hold each other accountable!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/20/2008 – FLIP-FLOP…

Is it that time again? And will it be business as usual? God, I’m so afraid the answer is yes. I passed a sign on someone’s fence today. It stated, simply enough “Had enough yet? Vote Democrat!” I looked at the sign and I just let the meaning sink in. I questioned myself – had enough of what? Bush? War? Republicans? What was it that this family has had enough of? Were they wanting to imply that their “enough” is the same as everyone else’s “enough”? What really bothered me was the suggestion that the answer to “enough” was now in the hands of the democrats. But that’s what I meant by “business as usual” here in America. And what prompted the title of today’s blog.

You see, I’ve come rather close to concluding that our American symbol might ought to be changed from that of a noble eagle to that of a flip-flop. Yes, you know… the foam-rubber shoe some of us used to refer to as a “shower-shoe” and used to only see in public showers or pools and on beaches, but which are now fashion accessories found in every color and material on the feet of young and old across the country. How totally apt!

Why a flip-flop you ask? Good question! It goes back to the sign on the fence. Have you had enough yet? Vote Democrat! We have to assume here that by “enough”, the person sending the message has wrapped up all the woes and ills of this country into a nice, neat package containing the war, all the hatred for the bushes, both former and present, all the presumed “lies” about weapons of mass destruction, and let’s not forget the thing that most clearly and directly put our country’s safety at risk, the mispronunciation of the work “nucular”! (Don’t get me started on how these same people LOVED Dan Quayle, even when he couldn’t spell Potato!) So – all of that is lumped into a package and labeled “Fault of the Republicans!” Are you still with me? So what’s the obvious solution if you are one of those who HAVE INDEED had enough? Well, the sign tells you! Vote Democrat!

You might begin to wonder here if I’m a Republican and if this is one of those anti-Democrat rants that are going to get your panties all knotted again. I assure you, I am not. Nor will I take responsibility for the condition of your panties! What I am is an independent person, in both my political and my spiritual views of the world and of our country specifically. Please do NOT confuse that with being a MEMBER of the Independent Political party. I AM NOT! I am an independent thinker, who is a member of NO political party, and incidentally, would never vote for a candidate simply because I read a sign somewhere on a fence telling me that I should!

But that sign kind highlighted for me where we are as a society, at least politically, here in the USA today, and it left me feeling somewhat empty and powerless. We are still largely a two-party system. And if you look back through our history, we have done a great deal of voting for a particular party (either Fat-Ass Elephants or Jack-Ass Donkeys) and when we’ve HAD ENOUGH – we simply vote for the other one! And the race this year seems to be no exception.

It actually doesn’t matter if you like George Jr. or not. He’s leaving. And if you think that he alone makes and executes domestic and foreign policy and law from the oval office and you blame him directly for the things you don’t like about the current US government, well then you are simply either stupid, or supremely naïve about how democratic process in the USA works. No single man or woman has that kind of clout or power, period! But that point aside, we are getting closer and closer to a two-man (pardon me Hillary) race. I don’t know how YOU feel – but I’m not excited about ANY of the prospects! That’s not to say that one or all of them won’t make a decent president, but I have yet to hear something from them or see something of character from any of them that suggests they would make a GREAT leader! I think this country NEEDS and DESERVES a great leader!

So what is the answer? I won’t pretend to have a simple remedy, but I don’t think the answer will be found in our current two-party system. I don’t think it will be found in our in-bred flip-flop mentality. I believe we need to raise our expectations and start really holding our elected officials accountable. If they work for us, then by golly, we should only hire the best! If that BEST PERSON is not a Democrat or Republican, or they don’t have a lot of money, then we need to have an electoral system that STILL allows them to be seen, and heard and tested.

Right now, if you haven’t noticed, each candidate moving through the primaries, is preparing a different speech and a different “face” for the particular state in which they are stumping. What the hell is that all about? I want a candidate that has one speech and one face for the entire nation. I want a candidate that is elected by the country as a whole, not by a pocket here for this reason, and a pocket there for that reason. That’s what we are reduced to today. And when the election is over… and time has run its course… eventually we will have had enough. And we will flip, or flop, once more.
I’ve had enough!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/18/2008 - ANCHORS....

anchor
an•chor [ángker]
noun (plural an•chors)
Definition:
1. device to hold ship in place: a heavy, traditionally double-hooked, device for keeping a ship or floating object in place
2. device keeping object in place: any device that keeps an object in place

Driving to work this morning I was thinking about anchors, not necessarily in the traditional sense of big iron hooks that drag and catch at the bottom of the murky seas, but more in the figurative or symbolic sense. I was thinking about the things in my life, both concrete, and imagined, that seem somehow to hold me in place and keep me from moving forward with my life’s dreams, goals and passions. You see, my soul has been stirring again lately, as it often does when I’m either doing something I shouldn’t or not doing something I should. If I’m really honest with myself, and from time to time I try to be, I might even admit that my soul has been stirring for a long time… a very long time.

But as some of you may know… not all stirrings are equal!

As I drove this morning, I marveled at my good mood. I was smiling for no reason other than the day was good and I had a sense of being alive. More than this, I had a sense of purpose about my life this day, which is something that has been missing for way too long. Too many days, weeks and months have gone by where I have dragged myself from bed, showered, shaved, dressed, gone through the motions at a job I detest, come home and then dreaded the repetition I knew waited for me the next day. WTF?! I deserve better than that out of life. The people I love deserve better than that out of ME!

At some point this weekend a seed of an idea drifted into my mind. It was the idea that all the excuses I keep making for not doing the things I want to do right now are just that – excuses! And that they are false. So what if I’m in the middle of a divorce? Does that mean my life needs to be put on hold? No. So what if I’ve been at my job for 9+ years and things “might” be starting to get better – does that mean I shouldn’t just jump out there and look for a “Dream Job”? No.

This led to my thoughts this morning about anchors – or those things that I keep allowing to drag me down, hold me back and keep my life from being the life I want to be living. My anchors include people, voices from the past, thoughts, ideas, doubts, fears, insecurities, worries and probably a host of other things! But basically any of those things that have a negative impact on my health, wellness and fulfillment in life.

The GOOD NEWS is… I’ve made a decision to do something about it! I’m going to start trying to identify my anchors, and as quickly, honestly and deliberately as possible, extract them from my life. I want to throw away the excuses for not living the life I want to live and not pursuing happiness. If I fail to achieve some of my goals – I can handle that – but I don’t want to miss out because I was too afraid to try, or had my head so deeply buried in self-doubts, fears and excuses to even see that I COULD have tried!

I’ve done a few things right in my life. My kids – VERY RIGHT! Therefore, by default, my wife – very right for the time, but that time is over. My partner now – VERY RIGHT! My love for other people – it’s right, but I don’t think I’m doing everything I SHOULD be doing in that area. So I’ll keep looking for the right way to apply myself. The rest of my current life is wide open for change. My job, this city, this country – everything is open for discussion and change. My dreams and passions include creativity, photography and travel. Is there a job for me somewhere that will fit those passions and dreams? I don’t know – but I won’t let my job stop me from pursuing LIFE!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right track with things, and every now and then I get a small cosmic tap on the shoulder that tells me everything will be ok. Today was no exception.

I arrived at the office this morning to find an email from a friend, who is also sort of an arch-nemesis when it comes to political views, and we rib each other quite a bit about such issues. But today he sent me these words accompanied by a short article which I will include as well:

“The Fear of Succeeding is the worst fear of all - because we all have it within ourselves to be really great.”

Monday, February 18, 2008
Decide and do
The route to success in any area of life can be summed up in a simple, easy-to-remember formula. Decide what you wish to do, and then do it.

That may seem entirely obvious, and indeed it is. Yet even though the path to success is so clear and simple, many people have great difficulty following it.

The decision of what to do can be greatly hindered by doubts, fears, insecurities and worries, as well as by confusion over priorities. To get past all that, remember that every doubt is a creation of your own mind, and deep within you is an authentic purpose that can transcend any challenge.
When it comes to taking action, there can be all sorts of justifications and excuses for not doing so. To move forward anyway, it's important to keep in mind that every moment is an opportunity to create value for your life and your world.

When you choose to do nothing with this moment, the opportunity it contains is gone forever, never to return. Choose instead to invest yourself in effective action, and the potential value of this moment is transformed into real, actual, lasting value in your life.

Decide how you can best express the values and dreams that mean so much to you. Then take step after step to successfully bring your decisions to life.

-- Ralph Marston

So it seems that my idea about pulling up the anchors of one’s soul isn’t an entirely new idea, nor did I intend to imply that it was. I’m just excited today because it has found its way into my way of thinking and reinvigorated me today. I entered 2008 feeling that changes would indeed be coming this year, but I felt that most of those changes would come at me like the Texas weather – with little warning and nothing I could do about it but wait until it changed again. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel I can have a more deliberate hand in my life and my future, if I only step up and decide to do so. Today I have made that decision.

I don’t pretend to believe that every day from here on out will be easy. I bet things are going to be a lot harder at times than they are today – especially when I make decisions of the heart over decisions of convenience as I may have done in the past. But if health, wellness and fulfillment are truly my goal, I will learn to deal with those times as well. Wish me luck! I wish you the same!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/14/2008 – HEART HAPPY…

Valentines Day! It’s kind of funny to think about this day and how its meaning has changed through my life. As a kid it was all about getting cards and giving out cards and of course, THE CANDY! Dude! Those conversation hearts were just the best! I don’t care if they were solid sugar and tasted like chalk. Hell, to this day I still love Necco Wafers! LOL

Then as I got a bit older, I’m guessing Junior High and High School – it got to be a bit more serious. It was more about impressing my girlfriend at the time. Getting flowers and candy and the right card for her. Sending a candy-gram during school and stuff like that. Spending the day with her – and just making sure everything about the day was special. That was fun, but there was also probably a bit more pressure associated with the holiday. It was less carefree – kinda like life.

Since I went to catechism to learn more about the catholic faith (my mom was catholic but my dad was protestant) I learned a little bit about St. Valentine and his contribution to the holiday. But I really never make that connection when the day comes around – it’s way too commercial for that!

Oh, and since I’ve become an adult, I am NOT a card buyer! I don’t like to buy greeting cards for ANY occasion! I do buy them every now and then but I would much rather make them. This year I did buy a Valentine card for Al because there are these two cartoon characters named Hoops and Yoyo that most closely resemble a cat and a rabbit that Al just loves! It’s a talking card and it was SOOO funny I had to buy it! If you come by the house to see us, ask about the card and we’ll show it to you!

As an adult now, Valentine’s Day means something completely different than when I was a child. I’m not much about candy at all. I don’t buy cards much. Ok, I will break down and buy a bouquet or two of tulips – but only because Al really loves them, and so do I. But to me, the holiday is more about service, and about reaching out to each other and to friends. I love to send messages to friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I love to send notes to my kids and tell them I love them. The focus is no longer on the candy, cards or gifts that come wrapped… but the focus is more on the thought and care that came across in the message – “I am thinking loving thoughts of you today” or “I miss you, and I wanted you to know”.

So, as this Valentine’s day draws to a close, I know I didn’t have the time to call, text, email or IM everyone I would have liked to connect with. Hopefully my blog will find you, or you will find it, and you will know that you are loved! Happy Valentine’s Day and have a wonderful and love-filled year! Pass it on!

WOOF to ya!
~bbw

02/12/2008 - ANOTHER PASSING...

Another day, another week, and another message that a friend has passed away. My first response always seems to be the same. My first thoughts are “There must be some mistake! That can’t be right!” Of course, I want there to be an error. There must be some crazy mix up! There is a part of me that desperately wants to find out that my friend is actually ok.

It seems that it was only yesterday that I last talked to him. Of course “yesterday” is inevitably more like weeks, or even months ago, which makes the loss sting just that much more. It brings home the fact that once more I’ve taken for granted the time I had to spend with a friend who no longer walks these streets with us. It seems weird that I can’t just pick up the phone and text or call him, or sit down at the computer and email or chat with him. I miss him more than I did when he moved across the country. I knew he’d come back for a visit from Atlanta. Or I could visit him. But what now?

I will miss his devilish grin and constant teasing. I will miss his silliness. I will miss walking up to his big muscular frame and declaring him my favorite lesbian. Mostly, I think, I will miss the gentle man he kept hidden inside of the rough macho exterior he presented to the world. I will miss him. I do miss him. I miss you John, my friend.

WOOF to ya bud, wherever you are!
~ bbw

02/01/2008 - HOLES IN TIME...

It’s been an odd week for me. Busy, sad and almost surreal. Two significant things happened this week, both of which have left places of emptiness in this time of my life. I want to explore them in reverse order. On Thursday, there was the divorce hearing in court that was similar to an out-of-body experience. There were times when I felt like an outside observer to the life I used to have, watching the woman I used to know and somewhere in the courtroom was the man I used to be. It was humbling and awakening all at the same time. On Wednesday night, while preparing information for the hearing the next morning, I received the news that a friend had died the night before. What’s worse is that he took himself away from us, making it even more confusing and heartbreaking to feel the pain and guilt when thinking about him, and missing him, wondering if there was anything I could have done that would have made a difference.

So, Court first: I sat in court this week and watched my wife, sitting with a friend of ours who came with her to provide emotional support. At one point the friend had to leave for the restroom or something and our attorneys were off doing whatever it is they do. And she and I sat alone on our court “pews”, me a couple of rows behind her, and I remembered that, for the biggest part of my life, she was my best friend and I hers. I looked at the back of her head, imagining how alone and vulnerable she must feel, and I prayed for her… tears filling my eyes. I knew it wouldn’t change what we had come there to do that day, but I wanted to send her peace and strength. I wanted her to not feel alone.

When the time came to face the judge, we made our way to the front and my wife looked at me once and smiled a silent hello. That was it. This was our brief moment before we turned things over to those who we have paid to protect our interests, at all costs.

The actual court proceedings really didn’t hold any surprises and I don’t think anyone came out feeling like they really won or lost. After all, it was a hearing and we settled very little in the larger scheme of things. If anything, I had one little surprise because I had this mental image of how my wife’s attorney might look, without ever having met her, and she fit that image exactly! She was neither young nor old, but very uptight and everything about her looked pinched, from her upturned nose to her shoes that one would imagine were at least three sizes too small. At one point during questioning I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing because she was coming at me very aggressively but she did it in the same way that school children argue. There was something so juvenile about the way she would use obvious sarcasm that it was cartoonish. It was almost like watching someone doing a spoof of a lawyer on comedy central. But I managed to hold it together.

Back to my friend, Bruce: Apparently, he found that he no longer had a place in this world, or that the world no longer had a place for him. I’ll never really know what he truly felt in his last minutes, days, weeks or even months. I’m ashamed to say it’s been months since I had talked to him, and that just adds to my sadness and guilt now. Ironically, on Tuesday, his final day with us, I was journaling and came across an entry from 2005 where I had written about him. I was reading that and thinking about him, which caused me to think about the last time I talked to him and then of course led me to think I need to call him and catch up, invite him to dinner and see how he’s doing. One day later I find out it’s too late and it just took the wind out of me. I asked about a funeral service to see if I could at least make plans for that, but found out the family was taking his body out of town and holding the funeral the very next day. So that was not even an option for us. So I’ve been carrying around this gnawing loss for two days now. Being able to write about it helps me get it out.

My friend Bruce was a shy guy in public. It didn’t matter where you were or what the crowd was like, big or small – he was always more comfortable one-on-one. He was also a blusher, which made him fun to tease. He was such a handsome man, with a great smile. I think the only thing bigger than his smile was his heart. He was such a sweet, gentle person. But he had his fun and wild side too. He was just an all-around good guy, an all-American boy and a wonderful friend. All of these things I will remember. All of these things I will hold dear. All of these things I will miss.
We miss you Bruce!

WOOF to ya!
~ bbw

01/30/2008 – ROLLING STONES…

They say rolling stones gather no moss. Well I’m not sure we’ve exactly been “rolling” but things have been busy this month for sure! 2008 came in with a bang! and January is gone already!

I’m glad to report that Al’s surgery went well. It was longer than we originally anticipated. A little over 8 and a half hours! They had him face down on a steel table, unconscious the entire time. Even though there was a pad under him, it was so stressful on his body physically that it caused two huge pressure sores on his chest that looked like 2nd degree burns and actually had to be treated with silver sulfadine cream. The doctor told me there was a lot of pressure on Al’s spine but said he did great through the surgery and everything went well. He spent about 2 and a half hours in recovery before they sent him up to his room Friday evening. The hospital staff was generally very good, and outside of some quirky nurses, they took good care of us until we left on Sunday afternoon. The room we were in was a large private sweet with a couch that pulled out into a bed, so I was able to spend the entire time there with him and take care of him. Al’s second cousin, Melanie was a sweetheart and came over everyday and brought me meals and kept us both company.

Recovery at home the past week and a half has been slow but steady. People have been asking me how Al is doing and I tell them “He’s getting better every day!” Which is true. He is getting up out of bed by himself and can get around the house. But I still have to put his socks on in the morning before I go to work and make his lunch and put it on a high shelf in the fridge so he can reach it. We still have about three and a half weeks before he goes back to the doctor for a checkup. Hopefully by then he will be feeling stronger and have a better range of motion.

Another change looming is my divorce. Tomorrow is my first court appearance. I’m not really sure what to expect. I know that my wife has been less than communicative about everything since she moved out except when she wants something and the latest batch of papers from her attorney indicate that they are now trying to say the divorce is my fault. This is quite a departure from all the conversations my wife and I have had in the past about how we wanted to handle our divorce, but it’s no surprise that she has changed her mind. It’s just sad to see her choose to throw away friendship in exchange for some material possessions to which she somehow feels entitled.

I’ve always wanted her to be happy. I don’t think anything I own, or any amount of money is going to bring her that happiness. I hope that she finds it in herself.

As February comes rushing at us… I still don’t really know who I will be cheering on at the Super Bowl Party! I know Al is going for the Patriots (ONLY because of Tom Brady!) and I’m usually known for picking the underdog – so will I pick the Giants? Who knows? If you see me – make sure and wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw