BigBadWorld

08/22/2010 - LOVE: A POWERFUL DRUG...

2010-08-22T16:14:00.002-05:00

As the Sunday afternoon shadows grow longer and the weekend comes to a close, I reflect on the steps of my life that brought me here, to this moment, right now.

I could judge and blame myself, or others - but in truth, our lives are made up of a strange fabric, interwoven with all of our experiences collectively. There is nothing that has happened to you, that does not in some remote, unknown way, effect me. The reverse is also true.

So, while the current moment is not one in which I feel like singing and dancing, I do feel a sense of calm beneath it all, for knowing that I made the right decision at the start.

Love in it's purest form cannot be manufactured in yourself or in others. It is either present or it is not. When two people come together in that love - it can be bliss. But when one of two holds on to a secret, that their love, like the image they show to the world, is false, worlds begin to crumble. Pulling yourself from the wreckage of that broken world - and at the same time trying to stop the blood from gushing out of heart ripped apart... is at times, too much to take.

I'm climbing out of the rubble. I'm holding my heart close to me. I'm protecting what I have right now - so that I can stand stronger each day. Part of what gives me strength is knowing that out there, in a place I have not yet discovered, is the true love, the pure love that is meant for me. A love to match my own, and a life that has no need, nor room for lies.

Until I come across that love - I will continue to encourage myself and look to true friends for any help I may need along the way. And when someone with a secret shows up on my doorstep once again, I will be better prepared to recognize their true self and send them on their way.

The words of this song reflect the path I have been on for 5 1/2 years. But in this moment, right now, I have turned my life around and I look into the sun. Bright days are ahead...

Rehab...
Songwriters: Lane, Hannon; Timberlake, Justin; Mosley, Timothy;
Performed by: Rihanna

Baby baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept (?)
You'd do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know it's not meant to be
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
'Cause now I feel like....oh!
You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Now ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
My ladies gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Now gimme that...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh
Oh! You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/07/2010 - BRIGHT IDEA...

2010-04-07T14:28:00.009-05:00

This was passed on to me – so I’m passing it on as well. Let’s all try to take pride in America. To some of you, she may not be what she once was, but if we all do something about it, she can be the best yet!

A physics teacher in high school, once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't slow a train very much, but a billion of them would.

With that thought in mind, read the following, Obviously written by a good American. It’s a good idea, one light bulb at a time . . . .

Check this out . I can verify this because I was in Lowes the other day - I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China. The next day I was in Ace Hardware, and just for the heck of it, I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA.

Start looking --- In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her! Here's her story...

My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.

My favorite toothpaste, Colgate is now made in Mexico. I have switched to Crest.

You have to read the labels on everything.,,

This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 Watt light bulbs and dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand that I normally buy was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value". I picked up both brands of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same, except for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand - - - but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA , in a company in Cleveland, Ohio.

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets..... yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!

So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here. My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your kids or your neighbors!"

If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! (We should have awakened a decade ago!!!!!!)

Let's get with the program ... help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the U.S.A.

Pass it on!

&

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/16/2009 - GROW UP, ALREADY...

2009-12-16T15:56:00.003-06:00

I could have just left it alone. And for the most part, I did. I let the media run their circus and I just stayed out of it. Reserving most of my thoughts and opinions and holding them to myself. If you know me at all – you know that’s not simple task! But in this case it was especially important because it was a crucial topic to me personally, and because the media (as usual) rushed to the presses with every little bit of factual and/or fictional detail they could scrounge.

Something bad happened to Rihanna and Christopher “Chris” Maurice (really?) Brown, and from the very earliest reports, it looked a LOT like a domestic abuse case in which Chris brutally and viciously attacked the professed love of his life, injuring her physically and traumatizing her emotionally before leaving her on the side of the road and rushing off to hide.

Today we have a much fuller picture of the events and we know that Chris did indeed do all of the things I listed, and more. Much more. He went so far as to threaten her very life, and who knows, given any slight change in circumstance, like say – she didn’t have a cell phone… he may have carried out that threat. But let’s not suppose anything more than we know. He beat her, bit her and left her injured and dazed on the side of a dark road at night, bleeding and helpless and then he ran to hide.

Then Rihanna files a police report in which she is required to give as much detail as possible, no matter how excruciating it is for her to have to remember or relive, in order for the authorities to get an accurate account of the events both during the attack, but also leading up to and immediately after the attack.

What does Chris do – he waits a few days and then comes forward to answer questions and “just to clear things up” and clear his name, since obviously the media has things wrong and have blown things way out of proportion. At some point, Chris also gives a generic apology online to his fans and the public.

Moving forward, Chris displays some moderate amount of what I’ll call “generic” remorse, still not coming clean and manning up to the fact that he beat the crap out of his girlfriend, and mentions that he is seeking the counsel of his pastor and family and friends. Awww – how nice, how almost sweet, how… what’s the word I’m searching for… whitebread!

In court he enters a plea of guilty (ya think?!) for a felony assault and gets a paltry 5 year probationary sentence. So guess what... Chris Brown is still out on the streets and just released a new album. Which brings me to the entire reason for this blog and why I can no longer hold my tongue.

Chris is not happy with his album sales, and he feels that he is being black-balled by the industry. He has himself reported on Twitter that he’s going into stores to see if they are stocking his CD on their shelves – and when he doesn’t find them – he asks for the manager because he doesn’t think that’s fair. The one instance Chris cites on Twitter about a Walmart where the manager said they didn’t have any of his CD’s is almost funny because Chris goes OFF – and in fact the reason the Walmart didn’t have any was because they had already sold out. The store manager was not aware of this fact. Perhaps Chris should have talked to someone in electronics!

But to Chris’ point – there have been other reports where his Fans have gone into stores and been told by managers that not only are the new CDs not on the shelves, but that they will never be stocked and in fact the stores won’t be carrying any more Chris Brown music. Now the fans and Chris are all in a tizzy and screaming about unfairness and blackballing and WHAAA WHAAA WHAAA!

And so, for you Mr. Christopher Maurice Brown, I have these four words – GROW THE FUCK UP!

In addition, the last time I checked this was still the United States of America. And being such, you have the right to cry and whine all you want. But guess what, stores have the right to stock the products they want to sell. Or, in this case, the right to NOT stock something they don’t want to sell. Just like it is my personal right to buy or NOT buy your CD. Does this make them bad stores, bad managers or bad people? I don’t think so. Some people have a strong sense of indignation for domestic abuse and those that perpetrate it. They may feel especially incensed when the person who causes such violence really never comes out and accepts the responsibility for what they did and takes their punishment like a real man. They may just not have a lot of warm fuzzies for someone like you Mr. Brown. You should count yourself very VERY lucky that you did not end up in prison. I doubt seriously if you would last a day in the joint with even half the poise and dignity that your ex-girlfriend and abuse survivor has done after getting away from you! Or – perhaps these shop managers and business owners feel this is their “own little way” of speaking out against domestic abuse, sort of like a personal protest or boycott. Guess what, if enough people feel that way, you may find yourself some day, working at Walmart and asking “paper or plastic?”.

So think about it. Dood - you got lucky. You and Rihanna both got lucky! You both have a chance to start over and do things right. It appears she is making the most of her 2nd chance. Yet, it appears as though you haven’t learned a thing! Remember, the world doesn’t owe you anything. You are too old to blame your behavior on being a “kid” and too old to blame mommy and daddy! You are in the world now as a man – so please, start acting like one. No – scratch that. You have been “acting” - start BEING a man! In the long run you will be a more fulfilled person, a more prolific and satisfied/satisfying artist and your future girlfriends/fiancée/wife will be much much safer.

With love and respect, I wish you peace and good luck.

To the rest of us – may we learn from our own past mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others, for we are never so different from our brothers.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/01/2009 - WORLD AIDS DAY...

2009-12-01T21:03:00.004-06:00

AIDS and HIV... so much more than mere letters, because when we string them together just so, we attach to them things like fear, shame, scorn, stigma, judgment, apathy and hate. Yes, I'm still astounded that we can so easily turn away from, or that we can hate someone just because they utter the letters H I V...

My view of reality is that we are all living with AIDS and HIV. Some of us may choose to deny or ignore it, but that does not remove it from the world, our world. It surrounds us - whether in our own blood, or in the blood of our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers or strangers that pass us by every day. AIDS and HIV is strung through the fabric of our world making that fabric weak in some areas, and stronger in others.

I've never had to sit and cry with a friend as he or she first received the news from their doctor, though they know I would. I've never had to sit with a friend and watch them breathe their last breath, because I've been fortunate enough to have seen them improve and return home. But I have seen the scared and then surprised look on far too many faces, who, after working up the nerve to tell me they were HIV positive, couldn't believe that I loved them even more for telling me, and then embraced them tightly to assure them I was not afraid, and hope maybe they could be a little less afraid too.

My tears have thus far been limited to sorrow for those who have been lost far too soon, and whom I never got to know fully, and my tears of anger for those who use hate and ignorance to fuel their lives, their vocations, and their words when they speak about AIDS and HIV.

I read an article a couple years ago about a preacher’s wife who supported AIDS efforts in Africa. Although her husband and the church did not fully support her, but only humored her in this endeavor, the article painted her a hero. I was all good with this until I read a quote from the woman. She said she struggled with her calling until reaching a point she terms “a surrender to God” as she realized that AIDS “wasn't just a gay disease.” This quote stunned me as I realized the only reason she answered the plight of those people dying from AIDS in Africa, was that she realized they were not gay! So, had she not realized that AIDS wasn’t just a gay disease – those poor African’s, and God for that matter, would just have had to make do without her help! A hero? Not quite. That woman is Kay Warren, wife of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Valley Community Church in Southern California, one of the most influential evangelical churches in the United States. Yes, I have cried tears of sorrow and anger. And yes, sometimes I still do.

But for me today, AIDS and HIV is not about tears, fear, shame, scorn, hate or any of those negatives we can so quickly attach. Today I think we can look to progress, and acceptance, healing and love. There will still be hard times. There will ALWAYS be hard times. But we don’t get through those times by embracing the negativity of things. We must embrace the positives in this life. We must accept what we have before us and truly make the best of life with it. And we must help to make sure that no one is left to do that alone.

I have a partner. I am loved. He and I are thankful for each day, each moment we have together and we have made it a part of our life’s mission as it is our passion, to reach out to others and let them know they are not alone and that each day can get better. Remember, in this world, in this life, in this time, we ALL have AIDS, we ALL have HIV! Let’s deal with it… together.

WOOF ya later!

~ bbw

10/25/2009 - A MANIFESTO: PASS IT ON...

2009-10-25T18:40:00.002-05:00

I believe John Spong, a straight, retired bishop from Newark, NJ, is an excellent example of a theologian who "gets it". I have served as an ordained deacon in my own church and have been a part of religious debates and witch-hunts as well as seen the bible used to twist words and to twist the minds of people and turn them against others. I had come to the same conclusion as Mr. Spong a few years ago. I will no longer participate! Those churches and people who do not follow or teach the ALL INCLUSIVE love of Christ - have no place in this world or in my life. Please read this letter from Bishop Spong and pass it on to everyone on your contact list.

A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!
I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant." I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement. I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves. I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one.

I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged.

In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer.

I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude. I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population. I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable.

I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces. We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women? The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite.

I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote.

The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon.

I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union. I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people.

Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever.

This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.

– John Shelby Spong

PASS IT ON...

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/02/2009 - MOVING FORWARD...

2009-05-02T13:28:00.002-05:00

It's odd, but I was thinking the other day as I pondered my upbringing and life with my mom and dad and brother - and I came to the conclusion that they have had a profound impact on my life - but not necessarily a very positive one. I came away with this thought...

I've never come across a mountain laying across the path in front of me that I haven't been able to cross or find my way around, but it's always the valleys behind me that keep dragging me down.

There's something profound in those words. And pondering this one thought further - and discussing it with my partner and lifemate - it has led me to another thought...

I must live my life going forward from this point with new eyes... wide open

To Al - I love you Al-ways!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

02/17/2009 - THE JOY AND THE PAIN...

2009-02-17T13:50:00.004-06:00

Judging from this blog, it may seem as if my life has been uneventful as of late. Trust me – don’t let my lack of blogging deceive you! Things have been plenty busy!

I notice that my last entry was July 7, 2008. That was the day after my father’s birthday last year. I went back and glanced over my writing to get a sense of what was going on at that point last Summer. I laughed to myself a little remembering the events that led to me writing that blog. I also thought it a little odd that I never even mentioned my dad’s birthday. But then again – maybe it was just an indicator of things to come…

THE JOY
Like I already mentioned, a LOT has gone on since July 7 of last year. I’m just coming off of a WONDERFUL Valentine’s weekend that was preceded by an INCREDIBLE birthday “Season”! It almost seemed like Christmas was extended because Al’s birthday came almost immediately after New Year and then my birthday was right around the corner! And in the meantime we found the time to take a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico! What a splendid way to begin a new year!

Last week, my daughter took me out for a “date”, just the two of us, like we used to do for Valentine’s when she was little. This was more for my birthday, and she took me out – but it was very special, and we hadn’t had time alone like that in a VERY long time. I think we will need to plan that more often.

I’ve been thinking about taking a trip with my son, just he and I, probably next year when he has some time off from school. I did that with my daughter when we went to New York during her Senior year in high school, but he never really got a trip like that. Next year there are no kids graduating so money should be easier to save, and I think he would enjoy a trip where it’s more about him!

Some other things that have happened since last July…well one of the biggest is that my divorce was finally settled and finalized! WOO HOO! I’d like to say it was a completely amicable event from start to finish – but I’ll just say that the divorce ended in a better place than it started. I’m glad to have that part of my life behind me and I look forward to focusing on building a brighter future with Al.

THE PAIN
But even in paradise, not everything is perfect all the time. I’d like to say that every aspect of my life is rosy and now that I’m out of a marriage that was unhealthy and unfulfilling, the universe has re-aligned and hate and bigotry, ignorance and intolerance have just melted away – but if I said that, you would probably have me locked up – and heavily medicated!

The element of this that hits me closest to home is my father. When he came down for my son’s graduation in 2007, he acted like a complete ass. This is no different than the man I’ve known him to be my entire life. But now his “assness” seemed to have more focus – more purpose. He let me know ahead of time he did not want any part of my “other” life and when he got here, he acted like Al did not exist and made it a very public point to pay for my ex-wife’s meals and for my kids – but not for mine or Al’s. I never said a word, but let his behavior speak for itself. Since then, he’s written me Christmas and Birthday cards and aside from tons of junk email, sent me maybe 2 emails in almost 2 years, and mentioned that he doesn’t hear from me often. At the risk of seriously going-off on the man, I’ve chosen to ignore his comment and just continue to thank him for his cards (addressed only to me) and his gifts (checks at Christmas and Birthdays).

What has irked me most is that he still tries to give me parenting advice! His last email advised me to do what’s best for my kids. As if I would do something OTHER than that? The issue I have is that HE never raised any children. He brought home a paycheck and let my mother do ALL of the child rearing. He watched television and went hunting and fishing, and IF we were to go fishing with him, we were not allowed to speak (or even whisper) because that would scare the fish. However – slaps to the head and our crying apparently had no effect on fish-fears whatsoever!

I’m very tempted to reply to his latest email and tell him that it’s not too late for him to follow his own advice. But then again, maybe it is… I have decided it is birthday and Christmas cards only for him from now on. Father’s Day cards are reserved from men who were actually Fathers – not just sperm donors and paycheck providers.

In the meantime, I’ll work on my attitude.
You work on loving everyone around you!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

07/07/2008 – FUNNY WORLD…

2008-07-07T23:17:00.001-05:00

What a funny world we live in, filled with funny people. And by “funny” in this context, I mean “odd”.

I’ve often said “It takes all kinds”, but you know what, I’m not sure that ALL kinds are really required. I’m almost certain that there are certain kinds of folks we can do without. In fact, the world might most assuredly be a better place without some types of people. But who wants to be the one to pick who stays and who goes? Well… not me. Not yet anyway.

But that’s not really the point is it. It’s not the actual person – it’s the behavior that is really at issue. It leaves us wondering – WHY do people act like that? WHAT makes a person do that, or say that? But with some people it is hard to separate their identity from their behavior. HOW they are is so intensely related to WHO they are. And I guess that is the basis for how we relate to others. Why we like or dislike someone. We may not REALLY know them, so we judge them based on HOW they come across. That’s really an interesting thing for me to ponder.

Yesterday was the end of a long, fun, tiring holiday weekend for my partner and I. We spent four days and evenings of non-stop running around, traveling to visit friends, going to pool parties, barbecues, softball tournaments, time with family and wrapped it up with a going away party for friends who are moving out of state. When we finally got home Sunday night, unpacked the car, got the laundry going, fed the dog, checked the mail and sat down to check email, we were truly exhausted.

As I cleared my inbox I found an item in my junk-mail box that was appropriately filtered from an address I did not recognize. It was from someone (a guy I have to assume based on the contents of the email) who had been to my blog here and was commenting back to me. By the way, he did not identify himself in the email, but rather, chose to remain anonymous. What was even more odd, is that his translation of what he read in my blog was almost unrecognizable. In addition to taking what I wrote way out of context, this person proceeded to relate to me that he had “been with me” in the past and also with my partner under very “questionable” circumstances. The entire tone was “I’m letting you know I’ve been with you both without the other one knowing… and guess what – this is what we did!”

Now, I’ve encountered people in the past who, for some reason, make it their objective to bust up relationships, for whatever reason. I can’t say I understand it, and I didn’t used to believe it. In fact I used to have an acquaintance who I spoke with on a regular basis both before I was partnered and after, who I was later warned, had tried to break up three other couples I know. I kind of just brushed off this warning as a misunderstanding, but then I heard it again, and again – with pretty concrete examples of what the guy would do. So, for whatever reason, there are people who do this sort of thing. So when I read the email, I just replied back that I have no idea who he is, I seriously doubt that either one of us had been with him and if either had – certainly NOT under the circumstance he described. And then I let it go. I didn’t even bother my partner with it. I knew he was tired and we would talk about it later anyway.

What I didn’t know was that my partner also received an email from this guy – with pretty much the same intentions, but with a different story line. In the note to my partner, there’s no mention of him ever meeting my partner. Instead, he states he met me and then describes things that, if he really knew me, he would know would NEVER have occurred. So my partner asks me if I recognized this email address, and I tell him yes and then I read him the one I received and my reply back. We just looked at each other and kind of laughed because we figured here’s another one of THOSE people; someone who, for some reason, is trying to cause trouble for others. Luckily for us, we don’t get caught up in other people’s drama, and we don’t let them lead us around with their stories - especially some chicken-shit who sends an anonymous email. What is up with that?

So, whether it’s some cheesy sleaze who has nothing better to do than hide behind his anonymous email and make up stories, or some vertically-challenged low class horn-dog from the past with a history of cheating on his partner who messages my partner with the story of how he and I first met, hoping desperately and in vain, for an invitation to our bed, my partner and I have the type of relationship and communication that allows us to smile at this funny world, with all it’s beauty, comedy, and yes, even the oddities, because we know our love is stronger when we are together.

May you also find strength in honesty and love

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/25/2008 – HOLLOWED & BURNED...

2008-06-25T12:51:00.002-05:00

My blog today was intended to be something vastly different. Something much lighter but still meaningful to me. Now that will have to wait. Because my mind, heart and very core have been turned and torn in a totally different direction. As I sat here at work getting ready to take lunch at my desk, I thought I’d look at the news online and my eyes caught the headline “Court rejects death penalty for raping children”. Now, I don’t know where you fall in your beliefs about the death penalty, but I believe there are situations that warrant it. Child rape by an adult is one of those situations. Of course I read the article. I can’t say it was a mistake because I want to be an informed person, even about things I find disdainful. It’s just that this issue affects me to my very core, and stirs up in me things I don’t want stirred up. Once again I felt like a child with no voice, trying to scream… and now the supreme court is speaking for me, saying what? It’s not THAT bad? I guess that’s what I got out of the article. Unless the perpetrator kills me – they don’t deserve to die for their crime. I don’t think the supreme court understands child rape or what it means to die… emotionally and spiritually, over and over again. They can’t possibly understand. Well I guess some of them did. The vote was 5 to 4.

"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion.

Keep in mind that there are other crimes where no one has to die and the death penalty is still considered appropriate or “proportional” – they include treason and espionage. Spying! You can rape a 5 year old repeatedly (one of the cases before the supreme court!) and keep on living – but if you spy against the government – we can kill you! I’m just not sure about our priorities right now.

So here I sit at my desk, fucking crying, angry, frustrated and totally NOT professional, trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings that are boiling in me. Too upset to eat. Too busy to leave work. Too scattered to concentrate! I’m sitting here feeling carved up and hollowed out, burning on the inside. So I will try to write and hope to get things out and calm down some. But then there’s the past too… knocking at the back of my head. I try to keep it in the past. Been doing really good too! Until shit like this happens.

I don’t even know what to say or who I want to say it to. What does it take for us to find value in our children? I know many would argue that killing the rapist would not add value to the victim – but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It won’t undo the crime, but I think it will show the victim and the world that the child is worth MORE than the scum who dared to use the child to GET OFF! Would pedophiles still be as active if they faced the death penalty for even one strike? Maybe not. But I’ll tell you one thing, if the death penalty does nothing to prevent them from attacking the first time – it WILL prevent them from becoming a repeat offender once caught! Dead men & women don’t rape kids! And what about peace-of-mind for the victims? Do you know what lives at the back of the minds of people who were raped (at any age!)? “Where is the person who did this to me?” “When will they show up again?” If the person is on death row, or better yet, dead – that peace of mind is worth more than any amount of money or restitution a rape victim could get.

I hear so often that victims have no rights in this country and that the criminals have all the rights. I don’t REALLY believe it, but on days like today, and with decisions like the one handed down today, it is very easy to see why some people do. It would be easy for me to become polarized around this single issue and throw my hands up in the air and say “they just don’t care!” and give up. But the vote was 5 to 4. Maybe four people get it. Maybe four people care! It was one person away from going the other way.

I just don’t know what it takes for the other five to understand that children who are raped DO die. That child dies and something, and someone else replaces the child – forever! If they are lucky, they don’t stay a victim for the rest of their lives. If they are lucky, they find a way to cope, help themselves or get help and then reclaim their lives as new people and become productive citizens in society. If they are lucky, they don’t turn into pedophiles or other criminal types. If they are lucky, they don’t become self-hating, self-destructive people who crash and burn over a short or long period of time – hurting others along the way. If they are lucky, they do overcome their physical wounds, their emotional wounds and their spiritual wounds. If they are lucky, all these wounds will somehow fade into scars and be hidden under different forms of coping mechanisms, behaviors and personalities – that hopefully – the world will be able to embrace. If they are lucky, they will find someone with whom they can be somewhat open and with that person, find love. To a certain extent, I’ve been lucky. Very lucky.

I don’t have statistics to spout here, but I’ve spent a year in therapy, and judging from what I’ve seen, heard and read, I would say the majority of victims are not so lucky. Most are far from it. But I think we would all benefit from some help from the supreme court recognizing the true severity of the damage done to children when they are so grievously violated. I guess this is my plea. To the other 5.

Peace and Love to the children, and to you all…

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - WHY AM I HERE...

2008-06-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wake up, or pause in your day, and just wonder why you are where you are in your life? I do. I don’t know if I do it a lot, but I do it, every now and then. It’s not so much that I wonder how I got where I am, although that’s a part of the thought process for sure, but it’s mainly why. Why am I here, in this place, with this job, this partner, at this time in my life? Why?

Whenever I get to that question, it’s like reaching a fork in the road. I have two choices. I can either try to answer it by running off into the densely populated weeds and intellectually hacking my way through trying to make sense of things – or I can admit to myself that I’m too tired to think about something so deep and just say “fuck it” and force my mind to change the subject. Guess which one wins most often. Yes, but eventually I get right back to the fork in the road and once again find myself staring at the mental-machete in my hand – and this time I trod off into the brambles and the vines called my past. The path to my “now”.

Why am I here? Geeze it’s quite simple really. I am here because I want to be here. Is it REALLY that easy? Am I finished? Of course not, because having said that, the question bubbles up “Why do you want to be here – and not there?” And… I’m reminded that not too long ago I wasn’t even on the path to “here”. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different partner. Something has changed. A LOT of somethings have changed.

I recognize that life is all about change and that the world keeps changing – but we also have a saying; that the more things change – the more they stay the same. So did someone come up with that just to fuck with my head? As I think about the changes that most affected me over the past five or so years, I recognize that most of the ones that led me to “here” were changes in me, not changes in others or my environment. This sort of makes sense to me, since we really can’t control other people – and it’s a full time job just to learn self-control. I’ve put some amount of time and a bit of therapy, into learning more about myself during those five years just so I could get a better understanding of what I need to live a life that is fulfilling. It was the first conscious attempt on my part, to be happy.

If that seems weird to anyone – that’s ok. It was WAY weird to me! I always thought I was happy. I considered myself a happy person. But deep down inside, my spiritual and emotional self was frightened, damaged, injured, scarred, conflicted and deeply unhappy – but was also completely hidden from the waking, conscious me.

Until that point in my life, my happiness was drawn from other people, in adulthood, namely from my wife and kids. This was particularly fucked up because my wife was emotionally unstable, relying on me for her stability. So – while the kids provided us with immeasurable joy – we provided each other with an unstable, unbalanced foundation of co-dependence where we fed off of each other in a lose/lose situation that neither of us recognized. We kidded ourselves into thinking it was a win/win because we would always “survive” the discord. Here “discord” can be defined as screaming scenes from “Mommy Dearest” along with self-inflicted hair-pulling, name-calling, suicide-threatening, door-slamming and I probably don’t need to go on. Just really, really dysfunctional shit.

And I continue hacking through the weeds…

Why am I here? Why is it that I wake up every morning now with another man in my bed instead of the wife I have known for 27 years? Some people will tell you it’s because I “turned gay”. Some will say I was gay the whole time but have just now “come out”. But those are just some of other people’s ways of answering something they don’t understand. I think being “straight” or “bi” or “gay” – or whatever label is being thrown around, has more to do with people’s ideas ABOUT sex than anything else. They have much less to do with actual people being… well, people. I have had sex with both women and men. My wife has done the same. As and adult, the sex I had with men I did for myself. My wife had sex with other women because the man she was seeing wanted her to do it. What do you think is more fulfilling? I’m not judging, but I think people should consider their motives for doing things. The funny thing is – even though we’ve both been with girls and guys – only I get labeled as gay. In the world of labels, I would probably choose “bi” but would rather not choose one at all. I’m just me.

So, why do I wake up with a man in my bed instead of a woman? Well, first of all, he isn’t just A man – he is THE man! And… I woke up with a woman, the same woman, for 25 years. Remember the years where I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. No – correction, I was in love. I loved my wife with everything in me. The problem was, she and I were in love with the same person. I wish I could say I was completely blind to it, and that I didn’t have a clue at all. But the truth is that I knew she was selfish for a long time. I may have even known it before we got married. But I was going to be the one person in the world who took care of her and spoiled her and loved her to the end of time. I loved her that much. The problem is, when that love doesn’t come back to you – over time, it takes its toll. It beats you down.

I’m with someone else now. Someone new. Actually we have been together over three years now, but every day still seems so new. He could have just as easily been a she. Had I met a woman with the loving, caring, giving, selfless qualities that my man has – things would be different today, and I would be there instead of here. But it didn’t work out that way. Instead, when I least expected it, I met a man who put his life aside one night because he saw that I might be in need. My vehicle had been burglarized and I was waiting for the police in a dark parking lot. Even when I insisted that I was fine and could wait on my own, he never left my side. We waited for hours until the wee hours of the morning, and talked. That was in November 2004. Had he not waited with me that night – I probably would not have gotten such a sense of what a truly compassionate soul he is, and we might never have met again. But, because we had time to talk, and because I was probably more vulnerable at that point than I would normally have allowed myself to be, we formed a bond that eventually grew into the partnership we share today.

Why am I here today? Is it because I’m bi or gay? No. I can be bi or gay or straight and be anywhere I want to be. Is it for sex? No. There is no shortage of men and women in the Metroplex willing to meet for sex. Is it because I’m lonely and just need someone? No. Anyone who knows me will probably tell you I prefer to be alone.

There’s only one reason why I am here today. Because here is where I love and I am loved in return. Outside of the relationship with my children, this is the first time in my life I have ever experienced this kind of love being returned to me, without me having to do anything at all to deserve it. My parents never found it necessary to bring love into the equation. They thought we should be quite content with food, clothing and shelter. My wife tried to love me, but could never get past her own unhappiness enough to truly give of herself. She was more concerned with getting than giving – and in going through our recent divorce, I’ve recognized that in 27 years – that has not changed.

Thanks to you Al - I’m here for the love.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/11/2008 - ON HEROES...

2008-06-11T13:53:00.006-05:00

Just a quick scribble. In reading a magazine recently, I came across a quote by an actor I rather admire. He's not considered the "Hollywood Hottie" - but that flavor seems to change weekly. He's just a very good actor who seems to have staying power - and someone with whom I have always felt sort of a kinship without ever really knowing why. After reading the quote, maybe I have a better sense of why. This man comes across as a very deep, very real and very spiritual person. I like that. I identify with that. So... here's his quote. I hope you find something in it for yourself as well.

When asked to name a real life hero, the actor responded...

"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful. The man Garry Wills describes “with the future in his eyes … paradoxically calming and provoking,” and whom Flannery O’Connor saw as “the ragged figure who moves from tree to tree in the back of [one’s] mind.” - John Cusack

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/13/2008 – TIME TO BREATHE…

2008-05-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

It seems that for some time now, I have been holding my breath. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought I would do that and time would stand still. Maybe I was thinking I could preserve some of what I had in my life if I just held my breath long enough. But, long enough for what? I’m not completely sure. The closest thing I can relate this to is when I was a small boy, I used to think that old people were trying to poison me. So, whenever I passed old people on the street or in shops in town, I would hold my breath until they were well past me. Sometimes this was rather difficult if I came upon a large group of them – but somehow I managed not to pass out! And so lately, it has seemed like that again. Like I had been holding my breath. Waiting for something bad to pass. And now, having reached a settlement agreement on my divorce during mediation… it seems like the right time to take a breath of air again. Fresh air.

In many respects I suppose I’ve felt sort of trapped – not in my marriage, which I’d always felt was a good thing, but rather trapped in the proceedings of a divorce that was simply going nowhere. Sort of a non-divorce. It’s been well over five years now since my former spouse and I had agreed to end the marriage once the kids were both out of high school. So that was already discussed and planned –without having worked out any of the details. However, we did agree to do so with love and respect for each other and to do so amicably when the time came. Then the time came and my former spouse forgot pretty much everything we had planned earlier. Which I suppose happens when so-called friends and lawyers begin to whisper in your ears about all the stuff that could be yours. Needless to say – plans changed, she changed and the divorce became the thing that dragged on without reason… until last week.

Last week we went to mediation. I almost didn’t want to go because judging from an email from my former spouse earlier in the week – it seemed like it was going to be another huge waste of time. She had indicated to me that settlement wasn’t something she was interested in – that she wanted to keep fighting! But after speaking with my attorney, I went to mediation and was glad that I did. There was only about 10 minutes when my former spouse and I and our two attorneys were all in the same room together with the mediator. The remainder of the time we had separate rooms and the mediator ran between rooms. For the most part everyone was cordial and smiled and said good morning. The one exception was my former spouse’s attorney. Even when I said good morning to her, she could never make eye contact or open her mouth to speak or smile or anything. It made me wonder about her and her life because she looked so absolutely miserable – or perhaps it was just really bad make-up. She still had that drawn and pinched look, like she’s constantly sucking on lemons. The poor dear. The mediator was especially good and was very keen on listening and picking up messages in the words she heard. She did an excellent job in helping us reach a settlement agreement. That’s not to say either of us are completely happy with the outcome – because there’s a degree of negotiation and give and take involved, but we ended up with something that we could live with. In the end, I felt like I could finally breathe.

So, while the divorce itself isn’t final, we are one HUGE step closer to being done, and I believe my family can begin it’s journey to healing and redefining what it means to be a family – more specifically “Our” family. It’s rather unfortunate that my former spouse chose to be so deceitful and dishonest in her approach to the separation and the divorce. In tearing down trust and respect she’s further damaged a tenuous relationship – which will only make things harder on all of us, including the kids, going forward. Such self-destructive behavior from her has come up repeatedly throughout our marriage, and so should not surprise me. She has also created a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying she felt that after the divorce I would not want to have anything to do with her. I always told her that as long as she was open, honest and respectful with me and communicated with me as a friend, I would be here for her as a friend. So, when she snuck out of the house and took all of our belongings without any discussion with me, then came back and also stole things that belonged to Al, she fulfilled her own prophecy. Healing those kinds of things will take time.

I wake up a little bit lighter these days. I’m breathing now. And I’m on my way to healing wounds that seemed to have been sitting open – and “on-hold” for some time – waiting for who-knows-what. I hope that means I’ll be able to focus more on my relationship with Al, and my relationships with my kids. I also hope that I’ll be able to focus better at work and on my art as well.

2008 has already been a busy year for me, and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down a bit! So wish me luck, and love and peace. I’m gonna need it!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/30/2008 - THANKS GEORGE...

2008-04-30T09:38:00.002-05:00

The following has been attributed to George Carlin. Supposedly he wrote this after his wife passed away. I cannot validate whether or not he is in fact the author, but it seems like something he would write. He's always had a keen sense of wisdom injected into his humor. It is that sense of wisdom that shines through here - but the sense of humor is not alltogether lost. I've decided to go ahead and give him credit. Thanks George!

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin

God Bless and...
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/11/2008 - NO IMMUNITY...

2008-04-11T12:35:00.002-05:00

I must admit - I am not immune. Sometimes I fall into the same trap I try to warn others against, and it's not only embarrassing, but it's humbling. I would say the humbling part is a good thing - it helps to keep me/us "real" and remind us that we are not faultless and yes, sometimes that glass house is our own.

On January 17 of this year I posted a blog titled Crazy Times, and it held up "Muslim" or Islamic ideals and compared them with "American" ideals, basically to show how inconsistent the two are and how they, like oil and water, don't fundamentally mix. That in itself isn't a bad exercise - but the big OOPS that leaves me feeling so humbled and foolish - is that I drank the same "internet kool-aid" that led me and so many others to believe for a "fact" that Barack Obama was a Muslim. At the time - I had never heard Mr. Obama state that he was Muslim - but I got emails and read internet blather almost daily that said so. AND his name seemed to fit that image as well. AND he never publicly stated that he was NOT a muslim... that is, until some months later.

Now I have heard from his very mouth that he is in fact a Christian, who reads the Bible - and well, I'll say it again - I feel foolish. I fell into the trap of the haters and I put on their sheep's skin and walked on all fours like them...

So I ask that Mr. Obama forgive me, and that you forgive me as well. It proves to me how easy it is to "believe" something when we hear it stated as fact, particularly when it is stated in a public place by seemingly professional and "knowing" people - over and over again! Much like Hillary's account of entering Bosnia under sniper fire. Had I not been informed by others who were there, I would believe her. She would have liked that.

Thanks to all of you for your love, your support, your forgiveness! Let's continue to hold each other accountable!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/20/2008 – FLIP-FLOP…

2008-02-20T16:53:00.008-06:00

Is it that time again? And will it be business as usual? God, I’m so afraid the answer is yes. I passed a sign on someone’s fence today. It stated, simply enough “Had enough yet? Vote Democrat!” I looked at the sign and I just let the meaning sink in. I questioned myself – had enough of what? Bush? War? Republicans? What was it that this family has had enough of? Were they wanting to imply that their “enough” is the same as everyone else’s “enough”? What really bothered me was the suggestion that the answer to “enough” was now in the hands of the democrats. But that’s what I meant by “business as usual” here in America. And what prompted the title of today’s blog.

You see, I’ve come rather close to concluding that our American symbol might ought to be changed from that of a noble eagle to that of a flip-flop. Yes, you know… the foam-rubber shoe some of us used to refer to as a “shower-shoe” and used to only see in public showers or pools and on beaches, but which are now fashion accessories found in every color and material on the feet of young and old across the country. How totally apt!

Why a flip-flop you ask? Good question! It goes back to the sign on the fence. Have you had enough yet? Vote Democrat! We have to assume here that by “enough”, the person sending the message has wrapped up all the woes and ills of this country into a nice, neat package containing the war, all the hatred for the bushes, both former and present, all the presumed “lies” about weapons of mass destruction, and let’s not forget the thing that most clearly and directly put our country’s safety at risk, the mispronunciation of the work “nucular”! (Don’t get me started on how these same people LOVED Dan Quayle, even when he couldn’t spell Potato!) So – all of that is lumped into a package and labeled “Fault of the Republicans!” Are you still with me? So what’s the obvious solution if you are one of those who HAVE INDEED had enough? Well, the sign tells you! Vote Democrat!

You might begin to wonder here if I’m a Republican and if this is one of those anti-Democrat rants that are going to get your panties all knotted again. I assure you, I am not. Nor will I take responsibility for the condition of your panties! What I am is an independent person, in both my political and my spiritual views of the world and of our country specifically. Please do NOT confuse that with being a MEMBER of the Independent Political party. I AM NOT! I am an independent thinker, who is a member of NO political party, and incidentally, would never vote for a candidate simply because I read a sign somewhere on a fence telling me that I should!

But that sign kind highlighted for me where we are as a society, at least politically, here in the USA today, and it left me feeling somewhat empty and powerless. We are still largely a two-party system. And if you look back through our history, we have done a great deal of voting for a particular party (either Fat-Ass Elephants or Jack-Ass Donkeys) and when we’ve HAD ENOUGH – we simply vote for the other one! And the race this year seems to be no exception.

It actually doesn’t matter if you like George Jr. or not. He’s leaving. And if you think that he alone makes and executes domestic and foreign policy and law from the oval office and you blame him directly for the things you don’t like about the current US government, well then you are simply either stupid, or supremely naïve about how democratic process in the USA works. No single man or woman has that kind of clout or power, period! But that point aside, we are getting closer and closer to a two-man (pardon me Hillary) race. I don’t know how YOU feel – but I’m not excited about ANY of the prospects! That’s not to say that one or all of them won’t make a decent president, but I have yet to hear something from them or see something of character from any of them that suggests they would make a GREAT leader! I think this country NEEDS and DESERVES a great leader!

So what is the answer? I won’t pretend to have a simple remedy, but I don’t think the answer will be found in our current two-party system. I don’t think it will be found in our in-bred flip-flop mentality. I believe we need to raise our expectations and start really holding our elected officials accountable. If they work for us, then by golly, we should only hire the best! If that BEST PERSON is not a Democrat or Republican, or they don’t have a lot of money, then we need to have an electoral system that STILL allows them to be seen, and heard and tested.

Right now, if you haven’t noticed, each candidate moving through the primaries, is preparing a different speech and a different “face” for the particular state in which they are stumping. What the hell is that all about? I want a candidate that has one speech and one face for the entire nation. I want a candidate that is elected by the country as a whole, not by a pocket here for this reason, and a pocket there for that reason. That’s what we are reduced to today. And when the election is over… and time has run its course… eventually we will have had enough. And we will flip, or flop, once more.
I’ve had enough!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/18/2008 - ANCHORS....

2008-02-18T16:38:00.009-06:00

anchor
an•chor [ángker]
noun (plural an•chors)
Definition:
1. device to hold ship in place: a heavy, traditionally double-hooked, device for keeping a ship or floating object in place
2. device keeping object in place: any device that keeps an object in place

Driving to work this morning I was thinking about anchors, not necessarily in the traditional sense of big iron hooks that drag and catch at the bottom of the murky seas, but more in the figurative or symbolic sense. I was thinking about the things in my life, both concrete, and imagined, that seem somehow to hold me in place and keep me from moving forward with my life’s dreams, goals and passions. You see, my soul has been stirring again lately, as it often does when I’m either doing something I shouldn’t or not doing something I should. If I’m really honest with myself, and from time to time I try to be, I might even admit that my soul has been stirring for a long time… a very long time.

But as some of you may know… not all stirrings are equal!

As I drove this morning, I marveled at my good mood. I was smiling for no reason other than the day was good and I had a sense of being alive. More than this, I had a sense of purpose about my life this day, which is something that has been missing for way too long. Too many days, weeks and months have gone by where I have dragged myself from bed, showered, shaved, dressed, gone through the motions at a job I detest, come home and then dreaded the repetition I knew waited for me the next day. WTF?! I deserve better than that out of life. The people I love deserve better than that out of ME!

At some point this weekend a seed of an idea drifted into my mind. It was the idea that all the excuses I keep making for not doing the things I want to do right now are just that – excuses! And that they are false. So what if I’m in the middle of a divorce? Does that mean my life needs to be put on hold? No. So what if I’ve been at my job for 9+ years and things “might” be starting to get better – does that mean I shouldn’t just jump out there and look for a “Dream Job”? No.

This led to my thoughts this morning about anchors – or those things that I keep allowing to drag me down, hold me back and keep my life from being the life I want to be living. My anchors include people, voices from the past, thoughts, ideas, doubts, fears, insecurities, worries and probably a host of other things! But basically any of those things that have a negative impact on my health, wellness and fulfillment in life.

The GOOD NEWS is… I’ve made a decision to do something about it! I’m going to start trying to identify my anchors, and as quickly, honestly and deliberately as possible, extract them from my life. I want to throw away the excuses for not living the life I want to live and not pursuing happiness. If I fail to achieve some of my goals – I can handle that – but I don’t want to miss out because I was too afraid to try, or had my head so deeply buried in self-doubts, fears and excuses to even see that I COULD have tried!

I’ve done a few things right in my life. My kids – VERY RIGHT! Therefore, by default, my wife – very right for the time, but that time is over. My partner now – VERY RIGHT! My love for other people – it’s right, but I don’t think I’m doing everything I SHOULD be doing in that area. So I’ll keep looking for the right way to apply myself. The rest of my current life is wide open for change. My job, this city, this country – everything is open for discussion and change. My dreams and passions include creativity, photography and travel. Is there a job for me somewhere that will fit those passions and dreams? I don’t know – but I won’t let my job stop me from pursuing LIFE!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right track with things, and every now and then I get a small cosmic tap on the shoulder that tells me everything will be ok. Today was no exception.

I arrived at the office this morning to find an email from a friend, who is also sort of an arch-nemesis when it comes to political views, and we rib each other quite a bit about such issues. But today he sent me these words accompanied by a short article which I will include as well:

“The Fear of Succeeding is the worst fear of all - because we all have it within ourselves to be really great.”

Monday, February 18, 2008
Decide and do
The route to success in any area of life can be summed up in a simple, easy-to-remember formula. Decide what you wish to do, and then do it.

That may seem entirely obvious, and indeed it is. Yet even though the path to success is so clear and simple, many people have great difficulty following it.

The decision of what to do can be greatly hindered by doubts, fears, insecurities and worries, as well as by confusion over priorities. To get past all that, remember that every doubt is a creation of your own mind, and deep within you is an authentic purpose that can transcend any challenge.
When it comes to taking action, there can be all sorts of justifications and excuses for not doing so. To move forward anyway, it's important to keep in mind that every moment is an opportunity to create value for your life and your world.

When you choose to do nothing with this moment, the opportunity it contains is gone forever, never to return. Choose instead to invest yourself in effective action, and the potential value of this moment is transformed into real, actual, lasting value in your life.

Decide how you can best express the values and dreams that mean so much to you. Then take step after step to successfully bring your decisions to life.

-- Ralph Marston

So it seems that my idea about pulling up the anchors of one’s soul isn’t an entirely new idea, nor did I intend to imply that it was. I’m just excited today because it has found its way into my way of thinking and reinvigorated me today. I entered 2008 feeling that changes would indeed be coming this year, but I felt that most of those changes would come at me like the Texas weather – with little warning and nothing I could do about it but wait until it changed again. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel I can have a more deliberate hand in my life and my future, if I only step up and decide to do so. Today I have made that decision.

I don’t pretend to believe that every day from here on out will be easy. I bet things are going to be a lot harder at times than they are today – especially when I make decisions of the heart over decisions of convenience as I may have done in the past. But if health, wellness and fulfillment are truly my goal, I will learn to deal with those times as well. Wish me luck! I wish you the same!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

02/14/2008 – HEART HAPPY…

2008-02-14T23:57:00.001-06:00

Valentines Day! It’s kind of funny to think about this day and how its meaning has changed through my life. As a kid it was all about getting cards and giving out cards and of course, THE CANDY! Dude! Those conversation hearts were just the best! I don’t care if they were solid sugar and tasted like chalk. Hell, to this day I still love Necco Wafers! LOL

Then as I got a bit older, I’m guessing Junior High and High School – it got to be a bit more serious. It was more about impressing my girlfriend at the time. Getting flowers and candy and the right card for her. Sending a candy-gram during school and stuff like that. Spending the day with her – and just making sure everything about the day was special. That was fun, but there was also probably a bit more pressure associated with the holiday. It was less carefree – kinda like life.

Since I went to catechism to learn more about the catholic faith (my mom was catholic but my dad was protestant) I learned a little bit about St. Valentine and his contribution to the holiday. But I really never make that connection when the day comes around – it’s way too commercial for that!

Oh, and since I’ve become an adult, I am NOT a card buyer! I don’t like to buy greeting cards for ANY occasion! I do buy them every now and then but I would much rather make them. This year I did buy a Valentine card for Al because there are these two cartoon characters named Hoops and Yoyo that most closely resemble a cat and a rabbit that Al just loves! It’s a talking card and it was SOOO funny I had to buy it! If you come by the house to see us, ask about the card and we’ll show it to you!

As an adult now, Valentine’s Day means something completely different than when I was a child. I’m not much about candy at all. I don’t buy cards much. Ok, I will break down and buy a bouquet or two of tulips – but only because Al really loves them, and so do I. But to me, the holiday is more about service, and about reaching out to each other and to friends. I love to send messages to friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I love to send notes to my kids and tell them I love them. The focus is no longer on the candy, cards or gifts that come wrapped… but the focus is more on the thought and care that came across in the message – “I am thinking loving thoughts of you today” or “I miss you, and I wanted you to know”.

So, as this Valentine’s day draws to a close, I know I didn’t have the time to call, text, email or IM everyone I would have liked to connect with. Hopefully my blog will find you, or you will find it, and you will know that you are loved! Happy Valentine’s Day and have a wonderful and love-filled year! Pass it on!

WOOF to ya!
~bbw

02/12/2008 - ANOTHER PASSING...

2008-02-12T22:16:00.004-06:00

Another day, another week, and another message that a friend has passed away. My first response always seems to be the same. My first thoughts are “There must be some mistake! That can’t be right!” Of course, I want there to be an error. There must be some crazy mix up! There is a part of me that desperately wants to find out that my friend is actually ok.

It seems that it was only yesterday that I last talked to him. Of course “yesterday” is inevitably more like weeks, or even months ago, which makes the loss sting just that much more. It brings home the fact that once more I’ve taken for granted the time I had to spend with a friend who no longer walks these streets with us. It seems weird that I can’t just pick up the phone and text or call him, or sit down at the computer and email or chat with him. I miss him more than I did when he moved across the country. I knew he’d come back for a visit from Atlanta. Or I could visit him. But what now?

I will miss his devilish grin and constant teasing. I will miss his silliness. I will miss walking up to his big muscular frame and declaring him my favorite lesbian. Mostly, I think, I will miss the gentle man he kept hidden inside of the rough macho exterior he presented to the world. I will miss him. I do miss him. I miss you John, my friend.

WOOF to ya bud, wherever you are!
~ bbw

02/01/2008 - HOLES IN TIME...

2008-02-02T02:15:00.000-06:00

It’s been an odd week for me. Busy, sad and almost surreal. Two significant things happened this week, both of which have left places of emptiness in this time of my life. I want to explore them in reverse order. On Thursday, there was the divorce hearing in court that was similar to an out-of-body experience. There were times when I felt like an outside observer to the life I used to have, watching the woman I used to know and somewhere in the courtroom was the man I used to be. It was humbling and awakening all at the same time. On Wednesday night, while preparing information for the hearing the next morning, I received the news that a friend had died the night before. What’s worse is that he took himself away from us, making it even more confusing and heartbreaking to feel the pain and guilt when thinking about him, and missing him, wondering if there was anything I could have done that would have made a difference.

So, Court first: I sat in court this week and watched my wife, sitting with a friend of ours who came with her to provide emotional support. At one point the friend had to leave for the restroom or something and our attorneys were off doing whatever it is they do. And she and I sat alone on our court “pews”, me a couple of rows behind her, and I remembered that, for the biggest part of my life, she was my best friend and I hers. I looked at the back of her head, imagining how alone and vulnerable she must feel, and I prayed for her… tears filling my eyes. I knew it wouldn’t change what we had come there to do that day, but I wanted to send her peace and strength. I wanted her to not feel alone.

When the time came to face the judge, we made our way to the front and my wife looked at me once and smiled a silent hello. That was it. This was our brief moment before we turned things over to those who we have paid to protect our interests, at all costs.

The actual court proceedings really didn’t hold any surprises and I don’t think anyone came out feeling like they really won or lost. After all, it was a hearing and we settled very little in the larger scheme of things. If anything, I had one little surprise because I had this mental image of how my wife’s attorney might look, without ever having met her, and she fit that image exactly! She was neither young nor old, but very uptight and everything about her looked pinched, from her upturned nose to her shoes that one would imagine were at least three sizes too small. At one point during questioning I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing because she was coming at me very aggressively but she did it in the same way that school children argue. There was something so juvenile about the way she would use obvious sarcasm that it was cartoonish. It was almost like watching someone doing a spoof of a lawyer on comedy central. But I managed to hold it together.

Back to my friend, Bruce: Apparently, he found that he no longer had a place in this world, or that the world no longer had a place for him. I’ll never really know what he truly felt in his last minutes, days, weeks or even months. I’m ashamed to say it’s been months since I had talked to him, and that just adds to my sadness and guilt now. Ironically, on Tuesday, his final day with us, I was journaling and came across an entry from 2005 where I had written about him. I was reading that and thinking about him, which caused me to think about the last time I talked to him and then of course led me to think I need to call him and catch up, invite him to dinner and see how he’s doing. One day later I find out it’s too late and it just took the wind out of me. I asked about a funeral service to see if I could at least make plans for that, but found out the family was taking his body out of town and holding the funeral the very next day. So that was not even an option for us. So I’ve been carrying around this gnawing loss for two days now. Being able to write about it helps me get it out.

My friend Bruce was a shy guy in public. It didn’t matter where you were or what the crowd was like, big or small – he was always more comfortable one-on-one. He was also a blusher, which made him fun to tease. He was such a handsome man, with a great smile. I think the only thing bigger than his smile was his heart. He was such a sweet, gentle person. But he had his fun and wild side too. He was just an all-around good guy, an all-American boy and a wonderful friend. All of these things I will remember. All of these things I will hold dear. All of these things I will miss.
We miss you Bruce!

WOOF to ya!
~ bbw

01/30/2008 – ROLLING STONES…

2008-01-30T16:23:00.000-06:00

They say rolling stones gather no moss. Well I’m not sure we’ve exactly been “rolling” but things have been busy this month for sure! 2008 came in with a bang! and January is gone already!

I’m glad to report that Al’s surgery went well. It was longer than we originally anticipated. A little over 8 and a half hours! They had him face down on a steel table, unconscious the entire time. Even though there was a pad under him, it was so stressful on his body physically that it caused two huge pressure sores on his chest that looked like 2nd degree burns and actually had to be treated with silver sulfadine cream. The doctor told me there was a lot of pressure on Al’s spine but said he did great through the surgery and everything went well. He spent about 2 and a half hours in recovery before they sent him up to his room Friday evening. The hospital staff was generally very good, and outside of some quirky nurses, they took good care of us until we left on Sunday afternoon. The room we were in was a large private sweet with a couch that pulled out into a bed, so I was able to spend the entire time there with him and take care of him. Al’s second cousin, Melanie was a sweetheart and came over everyday and brought me meals and kept us both company.

Recovery at home the past week and a half has been slow but steady. People have been asking me how Al is doing and I tell them “He’s getting better every day!” Which is true. He is getting up out of bed by himself and can get around the house. But I still have to put his socks on in the morning before I go to work and make his lunch and put it on a high shelf in the fridge so he can reach it. We still have about three and a half weeks before he goes back to the doctor for a checkup. Hopefully by then he will be feeling stronger and have a better range of motion.

Another change looming is my divorce. Tomorrow is my first court appearance. I’m not really sure what to expect. I know that my wife has been less than communicative about everything since she moved out except when she wants something and the latest batch of papers from her attorney indicate that they are now trying to say the divorce is my fault. This is quite a departure from all the conversations my wife and I have had in the past about how we wanted to handle our divorce, but it’s no surprise that she has changed her mind. It’s just sad to see her choose to throw away friendship in exchange for some material possessions to which she somehow feels entitled.

I’ve always wanted her to be happy. I don’t think anything I own, or any amount of money is going to bring her that happiness. I hope that she finds it in herself.

As February comes rushing at us… I still don’t really know who I will be cheering on at the Super Bowl Party! I know Al is going for the Patriots (ONLY because of Tom Brady!) and I’m usually known for picking the underdog – so will I pick the Giants? Who knows? If you see me – make sure and wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

01/18/2007 THE TIME IS AT HAND…

2008-01-18T15:28:00.000-06:00

It’s a little past midnight and we are getting ready for bed. The bags are pretty much packed and the house is pretty much ready. My daughter and her boyfriend came to get the dog tonight to keep her for the weekend. And I’ve set the alarm for 4:30 am so that I can get up and drive Al to the hospital in Arlington for spinal surgery. They want us there by 5:45 am even though they won’t take him into surgery until 7:15 am. I guess we are as ready as we can be.

We had a burst of energy earlier in the evening, moving the big couch into the living room, vacuuming all of the carpets and sitting down to a quiet dinner. Then we pulled out all of our DVDs and re-arranged them into more logical groupings. Maybe it was nervous energy. Maybe it was something else.

During the week there’s been this unspoken feeling and sense of things between us. It wasn’t fear or uneasiness. For the most part, we’ve been comfortable with the pending procedure and yesterday the doctor even pulled out a model and showed Al exactly what they were going to be doing with his spine. That helped even more. No, the feeling between us has not been a bad thing at all.

We both certainly understand that with any kind of surgery, no matter how minor or how complicated, there is always the chance that something could go wrong. We have not been carrying around any kind of fear associated with that subtle knowledge. The feeling that has been unspoken, but deeply felt, is more akin to sensing the moments of being together. It has been us being more keenly aware of the preciousness of those moments. Each glance, each meal shared, each good night kiss – has lately been that much more special and wrapped in the aura of a gift. And it has so palpable lately. So sweet.

While we still “check in” with each other on a regular basis and ask how the other is doing, no matter what the answer has been, behind that answer is a knowing look that says “I know… and I love you more each day”.

So as I turn out the light tonight, pull him closer to me, snuggle up and whisper “good night” and “I love you” – the words we exchange will carry with them that extra bit of care, love and heart-felt devotion that assures the other that we recognize these moments, as much as any other, are more precious than gold!

May we all live in the fullness of each moment of our lives!

WOOF ya later!
~bbw

01/17/2008 CRAZY TIMES…

2008-01-17T12:49:00.001-06:00

Can Muslims be good Americans?

This is an interesting question.

This great country was founded on some damn fine principles. One of those was the principle of freedom of religion. Any free man should be allowed to practice ANY religion he likes. Right! Right? Any religion? Like Jim Jones and the Kool-Aid Klan? Or Tom Cruise and his cult of Scientology? I’m all for letting people find their own path and working out their own spirituality and their own salvation, but I have to draw the line at proselytizing or evangelizing through coercion, guilt, force etc. And I certainly don’t condone the freedom of someone’s religion to infringe on the rights and freedoms of others. So what about Islam and this Muslim faith?

Can a good Muslim be a good American? To get at an answer, we need to have a better understanding of the basic tenets of what it means to be a Muslim. The question was forwarded to a gentleman who has worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. In an email that was copied to me, the following is his reply:

Theologically – no, because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon God of Arabia.
Religiously – no, because no other religion is accepted by His Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256) (Koran).
Scripturally – no, because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.
Geographically – no, because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially – no, because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.
Politically – no, because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America, the great Satan.
Domestically – no, because he is instructed to marry 4 women and beat and scourge his wives if they disobey him
Intellectually – no, because he cannot accept the US Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles, and he believes the Bible to be corrupt
Philosophically – no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually – no, because when we declare 'one nation under God,' the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.

Therefore after such deliberation, should we be suspect of ALL MUSLIMS in this country? If they are truly devout, can they really be both good Muslims and good Americans?

The more we understand about this, the better it will be for our country and our future. A religious war has been waged against our country, of that there can be no doubt. The religious war is bigger than we know or can comprehend.

Retraction: 04/11/2008 - Regrettably - the statement in brackets below was made out of my ignorance, and in fact, Mr. Obama is a practicing Christian! My apologies to him and to you. ~bbw

[And we also know that Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, wants to be our President. He’s even said if he wins the election, he will be sworn in on the Quran (Koran), not the Bible.]

Is there a conflict of interest here?
Do you think America cares?
Some days I’m just not sure…

Let’s all remember to:
- Love one-another
- Look after one-another
- Hold one-another accountable

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

01/08/2008 – TIME MARCHES ON...

2008-01-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

Another year gone and a new one sitting in front of us, already slipping under our feet, begging the question… “what will you do with me?” What indeed.

It’s not a question I like to take lightly because I truly believe that time is one of our most valuable resources, yet it is a question I find completely perplexing and difficult to answer. There are so many things I WANT to do, but I really don’t have a clue as to what I will ACTUALLY do this year. And yes I know, that’s pretty much a cop-out for an answer – but it’s honest nonetheless.

When I start to think about making plans, setting goals, jotting lists and then executing those, my head begins to spin, I get dizzy, my palms sweat and I feel faint. I’m emotionally unprepared to actually “see” myself in the future. Not that I don’t spend more than my fair share of time dreaming, because I do! But when it comes down to practicality, I’m more of a “here and now” kinda guy! I’ve always been that way. So you can probably guess that I’m not really strong when it comes to saving, or building up an investment portfolio. I don’t have a documented and charted five or ten year goal worksheet or checklist. What I do have is a crystal clear notion that I DON’T want to be where I am now in 10 years, and I DO want to be somewhere else! But I don’t have more than a foggy notion of what that journey will look like or where it will end up. And, for the most part, I’m ok with that.

From what I’ve seen in this life, most things “planned” don’t even turn out the way we first envisioned them. I’ve also learned that the quickest way to disappointment is through expectation, especially when it comes to dealing with other people. So, I guess you could say that I’ve fashioned my life to be somewhat of a loosely planned, one-day-at-a time, creatively-directed and spiritually-open adventure of sorts. While I have a full-time “day job” I have many other “hobbies” that don’t generate any real income at this time, but they do bring a “return” of sorts. In the future that may change and I may actually be able to make a tangible living with these more creative pursuits, but for now, they all serve a purpose.

And what about changes? Things constantly change around us. 2007 was a big year for changes around our home! My partner and I moved back into the house and started much-needed renovations. My son graduated from high school and enrolled in college! (YAY him!) My daughter moved out of the house and into an apartment she shares with her boyfriend. My wife started school, moved out of the house into her own apartment and then started divorce proceedings (YAY her!) And these are only a FEW of the year’s highlights! If you had asked which of these were planned at the beginning of the year, I think only the high school graduation was high on the list of hopeful (if questionable!). The divorce may also have seemed inevitable to some, but even at the beginning of 2007 there was no conscious thought of “this is the year”. But like I said, things change – and people change.

So with all these factors to consider, how am I supposed to know right here and now what I am going to do with 2008? I planned a birthday party for Al this coming Friday. What happens if I get hit with a bus on Thursday? See what I mean? Yes it’s silly not to plan at all – but how far out is too far? I guess that’s different for everyone. Unfortunately, my reach isn’t that far. So far this year I’ve planned: a dinner for Al and I to celebrate on his actual birthday, a dinner party to help celebrate Al’s birthday with friends, time off to be with Al when he is having back surgery and a VERY tentative schedule of my vacation days for the year. Beyond that – nothing has been planned. I know I will end up doing other things. Al and I like to stay active and love to get involved in volunteer activities, particularly if they are coupled with art-related events. So we’re always looking for those types of things to plug into.

Then there’s travel! I love to “get out and about” whether that’s across town, across the state, across the country or around the world! I’ve been known to leave town on a whim with no bags packed at all. That works when it’s a weekend trip and you aren’t going too far, but generally trips take a bit more planning and preparation. So here I am challenged once again. Last summer a friend approached me about a cruise coming up in February of 2008. I immediately told him to discuss it with Al because that kind of planning stressed me out. I joked with him about my blood pressure – but I was only partially joking. It really does stress me out to have to make concrete plans that far into the future. I have no idea why I’m wired like that. I just am. It’s weird.

So, 2008, I welcome you. I’m not sure what you have in store for me. And I’m not at all certain what I have planned for you. But between the two of us, I think we can make it one helluva good year!

Happy New Year everyone!
Make it the best it can be!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/03/2007 - CHOICES, CHOICES...

2007-12-03T12:09:00.000-06:00

Below is an article originally published in USA Today on November 20, 2006. So it’s a bit over a year old now but I had never seen it before and found it very well written and thought provoking. I thought some of you might find it interesting as well. Enjoy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When religion loses its credibility By Oliver "Buzz" Thomas

What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality? I suppose, much as a newspaper maintains its credibility by setting the record straight, church leaders would need to do the same:
Correction: Despite what you might have read, heard or been taught throughout your churchgoing life, homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth and is not to be condemned by God's followers.

Based on a few recent headlines, we won't be seeing that admission anytime soon. Last week, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops took the position that homosexual attractions are "disordered" and that gays should live closeted lives of chastity. At the same time, North Carolina's Baptist State Convention was preparing to investigate churches that are too gay-friendly. Even the more liberal Presbyterian Church (USA) had been planning to put a minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two women before the charges were dismissed on a technicality. All this brings me back to the question: What if we're wrong?

Religion's only real commodity, after all, is its moral authority. Lose that, and we lose our credibility. Lose credibility, and we might as well close up shop.

It's happened to Christianity before, most famously when we dug in our heels over Galileo's challenge to the biblical view that the Earth, rather than the sun, was at the center of our solar system. You know the story. Galileo was persecuted for what turned out to be incontrovertibly true. For many, especially in the scientific community, Christianity never recovered.

This time, Christianity is in danger of squandering its moral authority by continuing its pattern of discrimination against gays and lesbians in the face of mounting scientific evidence that sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with choice. To the contrary, whether sexual orientation arises as a result of the mother's hormones or the child's brain structure or DNA, it is almost certainly an accident of birth. The point is this: Without choice, there can be no moral culpability.

Answer in Scriptures:
So, why are so many church leaders (not to mention Orthodox Jewish and Muslim leaders) persisting in their view that homosexuality is wrong despite a growing stream of scientific evidence that is likely to become a torrent in the coming years? The answer is found in Leviticus 18. "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."

As a former "the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" kind of guy, I am sympathetic with any Christian who accepts the Bible at face value. But here's the catch. Leviticus is filled with laws imposing the death penalty for everything from eating catfish to sassing your parents. If you accept one as the absolute, unequivocal word of God, you must accept them all.

For many of gay America's loudest critics, the results are unthinkable. First, no more football. At least not without gloves. Handling a pig skin is an abomination. Second, no more Saturday games even if you can get a new ball. Violating the Sabbath is a capital offense according to Leviticus. For the over-40 crowd, approaching the altar of God with a defect in your sight is taboo, but you'll have plenty of company because those menstruating or with disabilities are also barred.

The truth is that mainstream religion has moved beyond animal sacrifice, slavery and the host of primitive rituals described in Leviticus centuries ago. Selectively hanging onto these ancient proscriptions for gays and lesbians exclusively is unfair according to anybody's standard of ethics. We lawyers call it "selective enforcement," and in civil affairs it's illegal.

A better reading of Scripture starts with the book of Genesis and the grand pronouncement about the world God created and all those who dwelled in it. "And, the Lord saw that it was good." If God created us and if everything he created is good, how can a gay person be guilty of being anything more than what God created him or her to be?

Turning to the New Testament, the writings of the Apostle Paul at first lend credence to the notion that homosexuality is a sin, until you consider that Paul most likely is referring to the Roman practice of pederasty, a form of pedophilia common in the ancient world. Successful older men often took boys into their homes as concubines, lovers or sexual slaves. Today, such sexual exploitation of minors is no longer tolerated. The point is that the sort of long-term, committed, same-sex relationships that are being debated today are not addressed in the New Testament. It distorts the biblical witness to apply verses written in one historical context (i.e. sexual exploitation of children) to contemporary situations between two monogamous partners of the same sex. Sexual promiscuity is condemned by the Bible whether it's between gays or straights. Sexual fidelity is not.

What would Jesus do?
For those who have lingering doubts, dust off your Bibles and take a few hours to reacquaint yourself with the teachings of Jesus. You won't find a single reference to homosexuality. There are teachings on money, lust, revenge, divorce, fasting and a thousand other subjects, but there is nothing on homosexuality. Strange, don't you think, if being gay were such a moral threat?

On the other hand, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about how we should treat others. First, he made clear it is not our role to judge. It is God's. ("Judge not lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1) And, second, he commanded us to love other people as we love ourselves.

So, I ask you. Would you want to be discriminated against? Would you want to lose your job, housing or benefits because of something over which you had no control? Better yet, would you like it if society told you that you couldn't visit your lifelong partner in the hospital or file a claim on his behalf if he were murdered?

The suffering that gay and lesbian people have endured at the hands of religion is incalculable, but they can look expectantly to the future for vindication. Scientific facts, after all, are a stubborn thing. Even our religious beliefs must finally yield to them as the church in its battle with Galileo ultimately realized. But for religion, the future might be ominous. Watching the growing conflict between medical science and religion over homosexuality is like watching a train wreck from a distance. You can see it coming for miles and sense the inevitable conclusion, but you're powerless to stop it. The more church leaders dig in their heels, the worse it's likely to be.

Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a Baptist minister and author of an upcoming book, 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).

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So - I suppose we could "choose" to hide and pretend to not be gay, or bi or whatever we are that is different than someone else just so that they can feel more comfortable or better about themselves, but as for me, I'm thinkin... NAHHHH!

I hope your December is off to a GREAT START and that your Christmas is shaping up to be a wonderful one!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

11/09/2007 - TIME STILL FLYIN'...

2007-11-09T15:24:00.000-06:00

So... I haven't really put anything new out here since June. But that doesn't mean nothing has been going on in my life. Quite the contrary, a lot has been happening.

My youngest graduated high school and we are now going through the enrollment process to get him started in college. We're all excited about that!

My daughter has been working for the same company for some time now and has taken a break from school but is re-enrolling next semester because she wants to make sure and get her degree now. She has a really nice boyfriend and about a two months ago the two of them moved out of the house and into their own apartment. That took some getting used to for me, and I guess in some ways I'm still adjusting. She's always been "Daddy's Girl" and I worry a lot about her and her health. So it's been hard in some ways for me to let go. But just like I need to let her have her freedom and "grow up" - I need to do some of the same. I'm just glad she didn't move to another city or another state. This way, I still get to see her quite often!

A few days after my daughter and her boyfriend moved out, my wife decided to do the same thing. Only I guess it slipped her mind to let me know because she pretty much had some of her friends help her load up just about everything that was ours (now hers) that she could find room for, and was gone by the time I returned from work at the end of the day. To this day I'm not sure why she chose to do things that way - but what is done is done. She's since filed the divorce proceedings and we are in the process of taking care of that.

The house has kept us busy as well. There's still quite a bit of work to do. Hopefully we can get some painting done before we decorate for Christmas! That's going to take some dedication though! We've already repainted my daughter's old room but we want to try and get the living and dining rooms done soon.

We have a few art fundraiser opportunities coming up soon. We were too busy to participate in submitting works for the Artists Against AIDS fundraiser in October, but we were able to support the event by volunteering our time as bartenders for the event. We had an absolute blast! It was such a worthy and well-attended event. We will definitely make time and plan better next year! Art Conspiracy 3 is coming up the weekend of December 9th and we are planning to be a part of that event again this year. If you've never been - please come check it out! More information can be found at http://www.artconspiracy.org/. Then, in early 2008, there will be an event called the Free Range Art Project benefiting the Bishop Arts District in Oak Cliff. It is the first year for this project and already is shaping up to be a great event.

So, as you can see, my life is in continuous forward motion, and always FULL FULL FULL of things to do, places to be, people to see, and of course there’s work too! I passed my 9th anniversary at my company in August. It was NOT a happy day! I’ve never worked for one company for so long in my life! I vowed to myself I would not be there for my 10th, but in all honesty, if things change (and they are constantly changing!) and that change is for the better… well then maybe being there is a good thing for me. Time will tell. In the meantime, I’m keeping my eyes open for other opportunities and I’m dreaming BIG!

Speaking of anniversaries… this is the eve of mine and Al’s third anniversary. Three years… all I can say is WOW! Another big surprise. I remember meeting him in person for the first time three years ago. I remember where I was in my life at that time. I remember the weather. I remember my state of mind and the state of my spirit at the time. I remember being unavailable for a relationship with anyone. I remember telling him that – repeatedly. I remember the movie we saw with a group that used to meet weekly. I remember chatting with him online for almost a year prior to actually meeting in person. I remember my impression of him from our online chats and I remember my first impression of him as he walked up the steps to say hello in front of the theater. I remember our first touch, as I held his hand in the dark… and I remember how he trembled. In the three years we’ve been together, I remember so many things, and I’m sure I’ve forgotten more than I should as well. But at the moment, I’m ok with that, because I still have him with me, at my side day by day, to remind me with his smile, his eyes, his touch, his gentleness and his love. For 45 years now I’ve been on this planet, and for the last three of those years, I’ve finally been shown what it is like to be loved completely, unashamedly and unselfishly. And so you find me here now, a bit dazed and confused at how all these blessings could actually be coming to me, but content in the knowledge that I am the luckiest and most blessed man on this earth.

Thank you Al. I love you too.

Needless to say, since time is still flyin', I must be havin' fun!!!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/29/2007 - GETTIN' AROUND...

2007-06-29T15:15:00.000-05:00

I recently heard from someone that my partner Al and I have slept “with everyone”. I found the comment interesting because it came from someone I had never met. When I asked him where he’d heard such a thing, he quickly confessed the source and the puzzle began to fall into place.

It’s called drama, in this particular case, big gay drama! It’s like a particular kind of sport, sometimes practiced solo and sometimes fielded in teams. It is the sort of thing that gives the gay community a bad name and leaves a bad taste in the mouths of most decent folk of any orientation.

In Dallas, this sport has been elevated to the point where I wouldn’t be surprised to see a lobby to include it in the next Olympics! Gay Drama is a BIG DEAL in this town! There’s a certain amount of local pride attached that’s much akin to big hair, big oil, big steaks, big handbags, big trucks and the “help keep Dallas pretentious” t-shirts!

After hearing that I had slept with “everyone” I started to wonder if everyone knew. Surely they know – they were THERE weren’t they? I began to wonder if that meant I caught some shut-eye with them, or if it implied a sexual encounter with the entire global population. I chuckled to myself as I considered what kind of time it would take to actually have “close encounters” with just the local Dallas inhabitants, much less everyone everywhere!

At one point, I looked over at Al and asked him what he thought drove someone to say such a thing. Is it a slam against us, like calling us sluts? If so – why is this guy still calling and messaging us? Why is he still trying to get us to travel and visit him and have sex with him? Is he miffed because we haven’t done that? Who really knows? Who really cares? Obviously – I don’t give a hoot-n-nanny beyond just making casual observations about people and what motivates them.

So…

If you are reading this blog and you told someone that “Al and Robb sleep with everyone”, then this is about YOU.

If you didn’t say it – well then it’s about someone else.

If I’ve slept with you – consider yourself one of the lucky few (or many if you believe the other guy).

If I haven’t slept with you – but you want to – how in the hell did I miss you? Tell the other dude he’s wrong – I missed you! Then call me!

If I haven’t slept with you – and you’re still not interested – then quit reading my blog and go find some hot chick or dude you DO wanna make it with and try a line on them!

If I did sleep with you and you didn’t enjoy it – keep your friggin mouth shut! LOL

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

06/29/2007 - SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT...

2007-06-29T15:09:00.000-05:00

Honesty is the best policy… Really it is! The relationship I have with Al is based on complete and total honesty. That means we don’t lie to each other. It also means we don’t allow lies of omission. But that doesn’t mean we talk about everything. Not immediately anyway.

There are times when I have thoughts, like little things that are bothering me. Not things about him, just things about life… things in general. And they are such small things that I feel they aren’t really worth mentioning to him – or maybe just not “right now” - whenever that is.

Other times I may just have a feeling or feelings that I don’t really understand myself. I may associate it with a “bad mood” but I really can’t articulate it. So how do you talk about something you can’t articulate? You just don’t. Sometimes, given more time and perspective, I grow into a better understanding and either the whole issue disappears or I get to a place where I CAN talk about it – and then I do.

Even with these kinds of understandings about myself, it still seems weird to me when I’m in those moments of non-communication, or non-verbal communication.

There have been times when Al and I will be in the same room catching up on email and chatting with friends online when I will come across a chat message from him that he sent either minutes or even seconds ago - and he’s sitting only a few feet or even inches away from me. On occasion I will respond to him verbally, but every so often I will respond with silent key strokes, as if he were a million miles away. And on some rare occasions, we have some rather deep, meaningful, yet silent, conversations that go on for a good length of time like this. With neither of us acknowledging the other in the room.

It’s as if there’s a wall of protection around me, or him, or both of us. I don’t really know what it feels like for him. But there’s an isolationist quality to it that feels somewhat familiar to me – and not altogether bad. I’ve always felt safest when people couldn’t touch me.

Usually these “distant” conversations will be about “little” things that we are feeling that aren’t big enough to come up in everyday conversation, but may have been nagging at the back or our minds and the tips of our tongues. Sometimes they are things that we consider non-issues – but we just want to put out there to clear the air. Dust we’ve swept under the rug that we want to put into the dustbin once and for all. Typically – the virtual conversations are sealed with a virtual kiss, but occasionally we also address each other in person later – expressing gratitude for having had the conversations in the first place and for keeping the lines of communication open – in any form.

In case I haven’t mentioned it here before… I’m a lucky guy.
Just thought you should know.

Hugz to you all, and

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/14/2007 - MOVING ALONG...

2007-05-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

Moving Day… First, it was later than originally planned, and now it seemed sooner than anticipated. After several weeks (or was it months) of renovations, Al and I moved back into the house last night. Even though we all have talked about it, and planned for it to happen… it will take some time to get used to everyone being under the same roof.

The fact that it was Mother’s day seemed a little “disjointed” as well, particularly since my wife did not feel she was shown enough attention or appreciation by myself or her children. So the day was off to a rocky start. But, you know… life is like that sometimes.

It was a good, productive weekend all in all. We finally got my daughter’s new bed together and found her some new bedding. When we got everything in her room it was really stunning. Now we need to get her room painted. We also got the bed in my wife’s room this weekend and the new bedding on there. We just painted her room and shampooed the carpets and moved in the furniture so that room is completely transformed! It looks fantastic.

There’s still a good bit of work to do throughout the house and garage – but now that we are there, it will be easier to schedule.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Part of it was just being keyed up from working non-stop right up to bed-time. I didn’t do anything to “wind down” first and so my mind was still going a mile-a-minute when I laid down. Then it was getting used to the different sounds of the house. All of them familiar to me, but also different that what I had gotten used to at the apartment. I did finally fall asleep sometime between 2 and 3 am.

A big part of it too is that ’m never really at-ease around clutter. Right now, with us in transition, and the house still being worked on, there are things EVERYWHERE! And that kind of environment for some reason fills me with nervous energy. I guess that makes a good case for Feng Shui. I hope I can get the house in good order before my son’s graduation in two weeks. If not – I might be a nervous wreck by then. That would not be good for ANYONE!

I realize that life is also about making things happen. So, I know to have the type of environment I need in order to feel a sense of peace, I have to make it happen. I’m going to have to put forth whatever effort is required to get the clutter either packed away, thrown away or given away so that it does not have a negative effect on me. Big words coming from a pack-rat like me!

So, in the days and weeks ahead of me, I think I’ve got my work cut out for me. Let’s see… there’s more packing, more moving, more unpacking, more sorting, more tossing, more trashing, more donating, more shuffling, more storing, more painting, more spackling, more hanging, more folding, more sweeping, more more more more… there’s just a bunch to do!

Lucky for me – I’m surrounded by wonderful family, friends, and a soon-to-be peacefully un-cluttered home environment! I wish the same for all of you!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

05/01/2007 - JIMMY CRACKED CORN...

2007-05-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

The following opinion is attributed to an anonymous New Jersey housewife. I tend to agree with her sentiment and thought I would share it here.

Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's' capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all. I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for Incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia. I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care. When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care. When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care. When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care. And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and - you guessed it - I don't care ! ! ! ! !

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your e-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country!

A few last thoughts:

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." -- Ronald Reagan

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." -- Ronald Reagan

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you. One is Jesus Christ, the other is the American G. I.. The first died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in... And how many want out."

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

04/18/2007 - GOOD MANNERS...

2007-04-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

During her daily class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked some of her male students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a dinner date with a nice young lady, how would you excuse yourself and let her know that you have to go to the restroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher informed him that it would be rude and impolite to use such vulgar and common language. She turned to another boy.

"What about you Peter?” She asked, “How would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better.” The teacher encouraged, “But it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom to a lady or at the dinner table."

Obviously frustrated, she turned to little Johnny, who had his hand raised and a twinkle in his eye. She didn’t particularly care for him but she was at her wit’s end with the boys so she thought she’d give him a chance. “And you, little Johnny?” She asked, “Can you use your brain for once and show us all some good manners?"

“Why sure, Ma’am” was Johnny’s reply. "I would say; Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I sincerely hope you will get to meet later after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

03/22/2007 - CHANGES LOOMING...

2007-03-22T14:34:00.000-05:00

To say that I’ve been unbelievably busy in the past few months would be an understatement. Often I’ve simply been overwhelmed! In some ways it’s a reflection of things going well in my life. But, I’ve also had some soul-stretching times that have had me re-evaluating where I am and where I want to be, particularly in my professional life.

Personally, I have not felt my best. I’ve been dealing with health issues since the beginning of the year, but they aren’t the kind where you can just go to the doctor for a pill and then everything gets better. They are much more vague than that. I’ve had a record number of headaches and my stomach issues have just run rampant. I can logically link most of it to stress – usually about work, but that doesn’t bring me any closer to a solution.

After weeks of daily neck pain and migraines, I got referred to a specialist who ended up having some good and innovative ideas about healthcare, but ultimately, I never felt comfortable with him or his associates and office staff, and I’m looking forward to getting back to my doctor. That’s one less stress I have to deal with! I have begun to improve since the end of February.

I’ve been working together with my boyfriend Al quite a bit on renovating my house. I’ve spent way too much money and there is still so much work to be done, but finally we are out of the “planning” and “talking” stages and into the “doing” stage – so that in itself brings about a real sense of accomplishment! I have Al to thank for encouraging me and gently “pushing” me to actually move forward with the work. The house and yard really needed the work too! My wife and kids are not very handy with that kind of upkeep and it was depressing for me to see the condition of the house every time I went over there. I can already see a huge difference and we are only now getting started!

On the professional front, changes at work have had me jumping through hoops as I’ve been through three management changes in the past few months. Through each change I’ve come to discover more and more that I really do not enjoy what I’m doing at my company anymore. I’ve migrated so far away from where I started and from what my expertise is that I’m having to learn an entirely new vocabulary and way of thinking. That in itself is not a bad thing, but my upper management has expectations that I know everything as if I’ve done this job for years. The pressure has been unbearable at times and this is the most unhappy I have been in my 8 plus years with this company. Perhaps it is time for a change. I’m dusting off the resume, so who knows what the future has in store. I’m keeping my eyes and ears open.

With all the pressures of work and the time spent working on house projects, and my health issues, I have neglected to take care of things like working out and eating properly. So my energy level isn’t where it should be and I find myself in a cycle of being really busy and getting a lot of things done – followed by crashing at the end of the day where I don’t want to move and I really just want to veg or sleep. Which is all well and good if I was single, but I’m not. So add to my list above – the stress of feeling like I’m not meeting the needs of my partner (even when he says that I do).

Whew! That’s a long-winded way to tell you why I haven’t blogged in a while! But honestly – I wanted to just let you know that I’ve been busy – and now you know a little bit about why and what I’ve been up to!

So – now that you’re up to speed, I have to say that all in all, life is very good! My children are healthy for the most part and are just as wonderful as ever! My wife is working on improving her life and on being a happy independent woman and we still love and support each other. Al and I feel so blessed to have each other in this life and in this world. The relationships we have and the new ones we continue to form make us stronger, happier and wealthier people!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

02/09/2007 - BEWARE BAD APPLES...

2007-02-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

At times, I wonder… “do good people sometimes do bad things?” Followed by “can they do bad things and still be good people?” and Invariably the answer I come up with is “Yes”. But generally, when a good person does something wrong or “bad” – it is usually done without thinking, or without forethought and intentional malice. They have either just messed up, or have come to hold onto some form of credible validation that allows them to see the thing as “good” or, at the very least, as “excusable”.

But there’s another side to the coin. You see… I also believe, that if a person does something “bad” with forethought, planning and intentional malice – well, then they are not good people. Instead – they are “bad apples”. They may have seemed to be good people. They may have, up to the point when the “bad” thing is discovered, appeared to be persons with respect for themselves and for others, but who, upon further inspection, turn out to be selfish, egotistical and shallow. Remember the poison apple in Snow White? It was all shiny and bright red. It looked delicious and inviting. But it was only an illusion.

Such people can hide for years beneath the VENEER of “nice”, “giving”, “caring”, “decent” and “respectable” (the list goes on and on…), but eventually cracks begin to appear in their “surface” and they start to show their true nature, and their selfish and corrupt core. Similar to Sauder furniture, like you can buy at K-Mart – they are all particle-board at the core – but with a thin cherry-wood-looking plastic veneer to make them look better in the light of day.

The cracks usually begin to show in their shiny, plastic surface during times of stress. It’s already gotta be hard for them to walk around and “appear” to be decent because it goes against their true nature. If you don’t believe it – try to go around for just one week and try to convince others you are someone you aren’t. Heck – try it for a day. I think you may find the stress is unbearable. The fear of being found out, of others realizing you are a liar and a fraud. You see – I think most of the time, bad people know they are bad. They may lie to themselves to help them live with it. And they may use justifications with themselves to stomach their actions – but deep down in their core… I think they know.

You see… I’ve had some experience with these people. I knew a guy once who befriended me for over a year. He would say things to me and do things for me that convinced me he wanted to be a friend and that the both of us would benefit from it. He thanked me for inviting him to church, telling me, with tears in his eyes, how he credited me with restoring his faith in God, in the teachings of Jesus and in spirituality. He would tell me how thankful he was for inviting him to share holidays with my family, since he was so far from his own. He shared his feelings, thoughts and emotions with me, which in turn led me to open up to him about things I would feel, or think, or do. In the end – he was a total fraud and a liar. Turns out he was obsessed with me and had plans all along to “win” me over and “make” me fall in love with him. He joined my church to be near me. Went through my computer, journal and anything he could get his hands on to use as leverage to a) get to know me better and b) to try and blackmail me. He illegally logged into my Toll-Tag records to track where I was going in town. And sure there were red-flags or “cracks” in his veneer along the way. But I was trying to be a good Christian and a good friend, by forgiving him and giving him yet another chance.

But this story isn’t about him… not exactly. It’s about someone else like him. And today, it’s about a particular person who has finally shown her true colors. Not to everyone mind you, but only to a select few who she has deemed “disposable” and “expendable”. This is a story about another bad apple. We’ll call her Kristin, because that is her name… and there is no innocence to protect here.

Here’s a pre-warning before you read any further. Kristin uses MySpace. She has a profile and will read your profile if she has access. She will also use any information she finds on your profile as she see’s fit. I think most of you should be ok – but you never know. Also, what you are about to read could be graphic in nature and should not be read by those who are easily shaken or disturbed by harsh words or offended by ugly truths. I may be tempted to use the word BITCH a time or two… or more. Read only at your own risk. YOU HAVE BEEN CAUTIONED! Oh… and bye-the-way – any resemblance to real people is purely intentional (or is it coincidental?) – but probably will induce the guilty party to get her panties in a wad! Finally, for the full effect and in order for you to really feel the foundational soundtrack for the subject of this story, you should play Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous Girl” and over-dub it with Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back”. Preferably in Surround Sound.

Kristin came into my life because she works with my partner, Al. I met her for the first time when I went to have lunch with Al. She seemed nice enough and was eager to befriend people, having just moved with her daughter to Dallas from Austin. Her husband was still in Austin trying to sell their house and he was also trying to find a job in the Dallas area so that he could join them. During that first lunch, I noticed she did a lot of gossiping about people from her work. This was not unusual to me but something about her vibe came off as if she thought she was above and better than everyone else with whom she worked. I later told Al that Kristin “seemed” nice, but that he should be careful to not get caught up in her gossip and that he should insist on maintaining a professional relationship at work.

A few weeks later I met Kristen’s husband when she invited Al and I to go out with them. She wanted us to show them around and asked us to suggest the best night clubs to visit. We started out in Deep Ellum but there wasn’t much going on and the music wasn’t what she wanted to dance to – so we told her that we could try TMC – a gay dance club. We ended up going there and having a good time. During the evening another friend from her work came to join us, and I discovered that her husband and I do basically the same kind of work. I told him that if he would send me a résumé, I would look it over and forward it to HR or any recruiters I knew. He was very gracious and thankful. She was somewhat disinterested.

It wasn’t long after this that Kristin invited us again to a birthday party for herself at her apartment. She had also invited other people from her work, including another gay man, who brought his boyfriend. Over the course of time, this other gay man would become her close confidant and babysitter when she wanted to go clubbing, or visit with other men… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What’s important to remember is that Kristin initiated the so called “friendships” with Al, myself and the others. Her husband was still living in Austin and only met us through her. He was also blissfully unaware that she was already sleeping around on him, and making plans for her future without him.

About a week later, I received his résumé, which I worked on with him via email to get it into what I considered better shape. He was also pursuing certification which would make him even more marketable as he tried to find something that would allow him to join his family.

Not long after, I heard the first of many rumors that Kristin was considering leaving her husband. I was saddened because we had just begun to know them as a couple, and we liked them both.

For Halloween, Kristin had decided she wanted to hang out in the gay section of Dallas and take part in the costume revelry and parade going on down there. She asked if she could hang out with Al and I. She had already told me about the costume she and her husband would wear. But when the night came – she had her costume with her but not her husband. Instead she had a gay friend with her. I thought it odd that her husband was not with her, and when I asked her about it, she was vague and kind of rolled her eyes saying he couldn’t make it.

To move the story along… Kristin had decided that she was going to do her own thing, on her own. She said she wanted to join a rock band and asked if we knew anyone who could help her with that. She also started telling her “close friends” about the other men she was sleeping with. It seemed VERY important to her that she let everyone know she was now an independent, strong woman. She started blogging about it on her MySpace and started to write obscure poems.

As things moved forward, I told Kristin and her husband that I did not want to be in the middle of their issues. Al and I let them know we like them both and wanted to be friends with them both, but we asked them specifically not to involve us in their problems. But, in the middle is precisely where Kristin wanted us. Once her husband realized she was not amenable to counseling and making amends, he decided to start planning for his own future as a single father. This seemed to completely confound Kristin because she planned on calling all the shots. She became very angry, suspicious and childish – going even so far as to block certain people from reading her blogs on MySpace. I wanted to remain supportive so I just brushed it off as childishness.

For Christmas, Kristin had her daughter during the actual holidays. So I invited her husband to have Christmas dinner at my house with my wife and kids. He was very grateful – and almost backed out when he thought it might cause a problem at work for Al. I left it up to him, but explained that we often had friends over at Christmas and he was more than welcome. He decided to join us and we all had a great holiday.

In the end, being a friend was turned into an unfortunate lesson that really hurt only two people, Kristin’s husband and her daughter.

During a custody hearing this week, in which Kristin and her husband were both vying for full custody, Kristin cast off her veneer and showed her true self. She did this by attacking her husband and everyone else who had befriended her in Dallas, whom she felt could be used to help her lie to the judge and gain full custody of her daughter.

Her husband was grilled about his sexual identity. He was quizzed as to the nature of his relationship with myself and Al. Our MySpace blogs, which are certainly in the public domain, were used to skew the picture of a platonic friendship and healthy support, and used to suggest that “maybe” something more was going on. She used homophobia to smear the reputation of her straight but too-kind husband. She lied to the judge about her own friendships and did nothing to underline the fact that her husband ONLY knew us because of her. It is well known that she let a gay man babysit her daughter. She invited gay men and gay couples to parties where her daughter was present. She bragged of at least three other men she was sleeping with before her husband was even aware she wanted to separate. Who knows if there were others she kept to herself. One of the men she is still seeing. So there’s another person who is in line to be hurt by all of this. But when it comes to sex, love or infatuation – no one can open your eyes for you!

So now I’m thinking… this story is already too long. It’s filled with fact, rumor, innuendo and second-hand information. Are there details missing? Most certainly! Enough to turn this blog into a novel! Is the story told objectively? I’ve been as objective as I know how, especially considering that I am one of the persons who was used by Kristin for her own agenda. Is the story over? Don’t you wish it was? I know I do – but there are still others in Kristin’s life who are unaware of what she has done and what she is capable of doing when she decides to be finished with them. Also remember, there is a child involved. These two parents will need to continue to raise that child and hopefully do it with dignity, respect and sacrifice. I have no doubt the father can live up to the task – he’s already proven that. But the mother, Kristin, still needs to learn that her daughter, and the example she sets for her, are more important than Mommy getting into a rock band, or wearing a Wonder Woman costume to a gay Halloween party, or even getting her snatch itched (or is it her itch scratched?) once in a while. I have no real problem with someone being a slut or even a whore, as long as they can be honest with themselves and others. I have a huge problem with someone being a liar and a user!

So now you see… the answer is “Yes” boys and girls… good people can do bad things. And bad people can do good things. But really shitty people do bad things to good people just to fill their own selfish needs.

Oh and lest I forget to give in to my own childish temptation… Kristin is a BITCH!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

01/18/2007 - PONDER THIS...

2007-01-18T18:59:00.000-06:00

This was sent to me by my Dad. Thought I'd share it here.

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday when they are lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost us two-hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves only thirty cents?

Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and those same people take Prozac to make it normal

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We can pinpoint the exact location of one cow with Mad-cow-disease among the millions and millions of cows in America. But, we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located? Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

01/05/2007 - GROWING OLDER OR WIZER...

2007-01-05T01:09:00.000-06:00

What does “growing up” really mean? I'm guessing it means different things to different people. Just like all things. But I can remember when I was little, growing up meant getting older. There wasn’t a lot to thought put into it then. It was just all about getting older and being able to do things that the older people did.

But now that I'm one of the “older people”, growing up means something more, something different. It has more to do with maturity now than age. I mean, face it – we all age. We all get older. But look around you. How many adults do you know that you can really call “grown up”?

I tease sometimes saying I still don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” – indicating that I have never really settled on doing just one thing in my life. I’m ok with that. I like change. I also tease saying I hope I never “grow up”, meaning that I enjoy being mischievous and living life with a certain child-like playfulness. I'm ok with that too. What concerns me about the world around me, is that some people (lots actually) seem to have missed the necessary “growth” required to mature emotionally.

Too often I'm confronted with “grown” adults who say things that just blow me away, or who act in ways that remind me of high school – or worse – JUNIOR HIGH! Usually it is about their relationships with other people, but can be about their jobs, their pets, or just anything in general.

Now I'm just a laid-back kind of guy who has piles-a-plenty of my own personal shit to deal with. So getting caught up in someone else’s drama is not my thing. And I'm usually pretty quick to let them know too. I have sort of a zero-tolerance policy on drama, pettiness and squirrelly grade-school antics. To them I just want to say “GROW THE FCUK UP!” and I don’t mean for them to magically get older.

From a distance, I’ve watched these people, some of them dear friends of mine, and some of them worthless shits like the asshole that was stalking me for a couple of years (see… zero-tolerance!). And as I watch them I try to understand what makes them behave so. What makes an “adult” fall apart when the person they are smitten with, doesn’t return the sentiment? What makes an “adult” come to the conclusion that they cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t believe, think, vote or feel the way they do? What makes an “adult” try to convince their friends to pick them over other friends with whom they have had a falling-out? How does an “adult” become obsessed with another person to the point that they will do anything, include harm the other person – all in the name of some screwed-up idea they call “love”? I don’t think you can just label them crazy or psychotic and issue them medication and weekly therapy. There are too many highly-functioning, professional, seemingly normal-in-all-other-ways people out there who are behaving this way. So what can it be?

Now, I'm only guessing here, based on my observations and many discussions with some of these individuals, and I believe that much of it is rooted in lack of self-respect, lack of self-esteem, and lack of responsibility for one’s own actions and one’s own feelings. When I’ve confronted friends about how they are acting, they usually start out with blaming the other person for their feelings. Now we all should know by now – our feelings are our responsibility, as are our actions. Of course there are other factors involved, such as past history, depression and such. But I'm still at a loss for how to deal with this behavior in my own friends. If people I don’t know act this way – well that’s for their friends to handle. But when it is people I know, or even people I care about, it really gets me turned-around, and a bit angry at them for behaving so NOT “grown up”.

Well – I don’t have some magical solution for this dilemma. I can’t even say I haven’t behaved in a similar manner (in JUNIOR HIGH!). But I must say, I think the best thing I can continue to do is to be honest with these people, and to support them without supporting the behavior. I hope in time that people are able to see in themselves those behaviors that are holding them back from truly fulfilling lives. And that they find the courage and resources to make positive changes in themselves. Call it a silly, childish dream if you want to… but I will believe in it until I decide to grow up.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

01/02/2007 - STARTING FRESH...

2007-01-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

Here we are again! Another new year, full of promise, potential and possibilities! We should all be brimming with energy and excitement just thinking about it. But sometimes that is not the case. Sometimes, we are coming down off of the high of the recent holiday excitement. Or we may be simply exhausted from it all. Sometimes we may be dreading another year of unfulfilling jobs, insurmountable bills and loving relationships that seem out of our grasp.

In some ways, I'm very lucky. Not that my job is all that sweet. It does pay well but I find it harder and harder to go to work every day. I will have to really consider what to do about that this year. I plan to get a better handle on my finances this year too. I made some pretty good progress in 2006, but there’s still some work to do, and some additional self-discipline to apply.

In the area of relationships, I'm very lucky indeed. Now, I know that luck isn’t all of it, because real relationships take work, and effort on everyone’s behalf. But I’m starting off 2007 with great friends, a wonderful family, and a partner who is as much in tune with me as anyone I’ve ever met.

This New Year’s Eve, I went to dinner with my wife and my boyfriend (how many people can say that?!) and we talked about our plans and expectations for the coming year. The kids made their own NYE plans for the first time in their lives, so the adults were pretty much on their own. It was kinda cool! New Year’s Day, we all got back together with the kids, cooked up some home-made Chinese pork dumplings and sat around watching movies.

The week after Christmas, I mailed a letter to my Dad, effectively “coming out” to him and letting him know where my life is today and giving him some high-level insight into my relationship status with my wife and with Al. I wanted to do it after Christmas so that he would not have that on his heart during that time, but I also wanted him to know before the new year began. He called me on December 30 but I didn’t take the call. I wasn’t ready to have a discussion just yet. He left me an encouraging voice-mail, letting me know he loved me and that I would always be his son. I have to admit – I did not expect that response. I didn’t know what to expect, and I felt it was safer to have no expectations at all.

On NYE, I called him back and we chatted briefly. His main concern was that I was not depressed during the holidays. I explained how I have had about 4 years to deal with it now, and that I was doing well, and he shouldn’t worry. He also did not want me to worry. He only mentioned twice how he does not approve of “that kind of lifestyle” but that he loved me. Then there was the awkward joke when he asked if this was a “Brokeback Mountain” kind of thing and all I could do was laugh and explain to him that no, we did not own any sheep! LOL

In retrospect, I'm not sure how the wine industry will measure their vintages from the past 12 months, but for me, 2006 was a good year. I traveled a bit, met and made some really great friends, and created some wonderful memories. So if I may correct myself… 2006 was a GREAT year!

Looking forward to 2007 is a bit daunting, as it always is for me trying to “see” into the future. But I will deal with the issues of my job, and will continue to prioritize finances, family and fun as we move forward into the year. I will continue to cherish the friends and loved ones who stand by me, reach out to me and support me in this journey called “life”. I will continue to be open to learning new things, seeing new perspectives, making new friends and experiencing life to the fullest. I really can’t say what 2007 has in store for me, but I know this… I’m ready for the adventure!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/18/2006 - AROUND THE CORNER...

2006-12-18T02:04:00.000-06:00

It's almost 2am and I should probably get to sleep. It has been a good weekend overall. Al has been suffering with a painful sprain in his lower back since pulling it at work on Thursday - so we have been taking it easy and hoping it will heal up soon.

We are about to head into the last week before Christmas and it will be a short week at work. I'm excited about taking some time off, especially since work hasn't been exactly challenging as of late. At least the pay is good and I get along with the people.

I'm already looking ahead into 2007 and trying to imagine what changes the new year will bring. We don't know what is waiting around the corner at any point in our lives - but we can initiate change, and I hope to be an active agent in as much of that as possible moving forward. That's not to say that I have lived my life in the past as a passive bystander - far from it. But so often I have felt like a victim of circumstance, or an ineffectual contributor. In 2007 (no! this is not a resolution!) I want to be even MORE intentional about the path my life takes. I want to plan more of my "journey" and shape it in a way that I feel I'm getting the most out of my life - and that my life is getting the best from me.

I've already started the wheels in motion with my family, signaling changes that are to come in the future. They all know I want to move to Australia someday - but so far that has just been a dream. I guess an easier way to say it is that I want to start focusing on making my dreams come true.

I've spent a good part of my 44 years trying to please others and make them as comfortable as possible in life, sometimes succeeding but often failing miserably. It took me a long time to realize that the inability of others to find contentment wasn't really MY failure, nor was it ever really my responsibility to make others happy, to make them comfortable or to make sure they were fulfilled, and certainly not at my own expense.

So I move forward with a slightly different perspective now, and yes it continues to change and alter as I continue to learn and grow. I am blessed to have a partner now who is skilled at helping me find focus (he'll laugh at that - but it's true!) and who believe in me enough to nudge me forward when I'm having an off day, or week or what-have-you!

I'll admit - I have no certainty about what lies around the corner, but I do know - it's a part of my life - and what I call "the Adventure". So bring it on!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/12/2006 - EVERYTHING BUT THE...

2006-12-12T14:43:00.000-06:00

Lists were all made. Gifts have all been purchased and wrapped and crowding the tree. Cards have all been written, addressed, stamped and mailed. Some parties already behind us. A few still to come. Two Advent Sundays down. Two to go. Nicklaus Tag finished and the boots put away. Trees are all up. Lights are hung. Stockings are already getting stuffed. Can this really be true? Can it be that I am this far ahead of the "game"? Yes! Even the relatives in Germany should get their cards before Weinachten this year! Someone... pinch me! QUICK!

I only make a big deal about it because... well, it's a big deal to me! It is a rare thing when I don't have last minute things to do and buy and worry about. Of course I'm sure there will be some small things I'll want to add here and there between now and Christmas day - but I'll be able to do that without stress because everything else is taken care of! But I certainly can't take credit for all of this! It was a great team effort! I especially want to thank my bf for keeping me focused.

I think the kids are really getting excited! That's usually where I get my energy from too around this time of year - seeing their faces and the look of anticipation in their eyes. It's the best! I also love the traditions we have followed over the years and this year has been a little different because now that they are older - they work, and our schedules make getting everyone in the house together at the same time much more difficult! But we have managed to keep some semblance of those traditions alive! It's the memories we continue to create that warm my heart and soul.

So - it looks like all the preparations are pretty much done... everything is ready except for the weather... so bring on the SNOW!!!!!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

12/05/2006 - BUSY DAZE, ER... DAYS...

2006-12-05T12:48:00.000-06:00

WOW! December already!!! In some ways it is very exciting and in other ways, I am sad to see another year already gone.

Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL this year as we had a house FULL of family and friends - and I mean FULL!!! And in truth, I had two Thanksgivings this year. The first was the weekend before actual Thanksgiving. I traveled with my bf to visit his family, including his children who drove in from West Virginia to see us! Since they are living so far away now - we also celebrated an early Christmas with them. It was a lot of fun for everyone and the kids seemed really happy to get to spend the time with us. Of course, getting gifts was really cool too!

After returning to Texas, Al and I spent actual Thanksgiving Day at home with my wife and kids and even my oldest son came home with his girlfriend, plus my nieces came and several family friends. Like I said - the house was full! And where there's a lot of people - there's also a lot of food - including two turkeys, a ham and loads of potatoes, vegetables, pies and more! Dontcha just love the holidays! And here comes Christmas!!!! LOL

My daughter and youngest son have both been working a lot so that keeps them pretty busy but recently my son participated with Al and I in a charity art show/auction. We each went in and created a piece for installation on a Thursday night (during the ice storm in Dallas!) and then went back for the auction on Friday. It was very exciting and was the first such experience for my son. He was really pumped up about the whole event and process. The couple who purchased his painting wanted to meet him and took pictures with him and his artwork at the end of the show. He was really flying high at the end of the night. It was a wonderful thing for a dad to watch! He’s already looking forward to doing it again next year! (so am I)

So now I’m trying to get all of my gifts bought and wrapped, and cards written, stamped and mailed. If I can get all that done by the 25th that will be quite an achievement. I’m sure I’ll get MOST of it done.

I’ll leave you now with thoughts of joy, peace and love. I hope you are all looking forward to a wonderful Christmas holiday and a SUPER New Year! With any luck and some effort – I’ll get a chance to see you in person in 2007!

Until then – peace to you all!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

11/10/2006 - A REFLECTION...

2006-11-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

November 10, 2006 marks two years for my boyfriend and I. As I reflect on the past 12 or ever 24 months, I see so many changes that have taken place in my life, and in the person I am. Even though some of those changes have been hard to endure, or hard to look at sometime - I believe that they are all good changes, and that I sit here today a better person, and a better man.

I certainly can't take credit for all of that. I've had the help of some very special people; namely, my family and my partner. Each of them, in their own unique ways, have encouraged me, supported me, tolerated me and loved me along the way. Many would probably think, and some have even voiced to me, that holding together my family, with my wife and children, and at the same time having a boyfriend, would be impossible. But I don't believe in the word impossible. I believe in possibilities. I love challenges, and believe me - there have been plenty of those. But it is precisely because of these challenges that I am able to look at my life with new eyes, and have new thoughts, and come up with new solutions to living a life "outside of the box" and different from what many consider "normal".

I walk around today feeling "blessed" more often than not. I have been able to let go of much of the pain and distrust associated with childhood abuses. It is not gone, and some days are worse than others, but I feel the anger that lives just beneath the surface, begin to ease and to ebb away. And on those days when I'm at my worst rather than my best, I have someone to hold my hand, or rub my back. Someone who understands and who helps me deal with whatever it is that faces me. How can I not feel blessed?!

The rough spots of the past year have had more to do with adjusting to a new way of looking at myself and a new way of looking at my relationships. In some cases I have had to let go of relationships that were false, shallow and not healthy for me. And in the case of my wife, I continue to learn about and deal with redefining our relationship, as we continue to love and support one another; encouraging each other to become the people we were meant to be. Each of us wants to live up to our full potential. Part of the difficulty comes with discovering what that potential may be.

I sit here in the wee hours of this morning, looking forward to the next 12 months. My mind holds wonder for what those months will bring. There is some trepidation, but it's almost like the feeling a child might have before Christmas morning. There is really not much fear that I will find a stocking stuffed with coal, but rather I'm excited about things I can't possibly even fathom yet. I know next year will hold both bad and good, as do all years, but I am so hopeful that the good will be great and the bad will be tolerable because I will not face those times alone.

I wrote a poem just a couple of days ago about being alone. I knew even then that it was one of my "bad" days. Those days are getting fewer and farther between and I am very thankful for that.

To my family I want to say "Thank you" for being so loving, accepting and understanding of my choices, my path and my life. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am today without you. I love you all so very deeply.

To my boyfriend, Al, I want to say "In you, I have found a soulmate, a partner, true honesty, pure love and a life I could not even have imagined!" I am blessed by you each day and you have proven to me that trust is not out of my reach. My love for you is endless.

To the world I want to offer encouragement to keep loving, keep forgiving, keep reaching for your passions so that you will stay inspired and motivated to live a complete and fulfilled life! Bless you all!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

11/06/2006 - HAZY MONDAY MORNING...

2006-11-06T13:29:00.000-06:00

Ok, so you might think I got lazy by not posting my own thoughts here for a while, and maybe you are right. But sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled and so varied and coming at me constantly from every direction, that I can't line them up and process them in any logical manner that would translate to print. Actually, I spend most of my life like that. Some call it ADD. Some call it extreme distraction. I just know it as "my life". When I do get a train of thought that is somewhat logical and interesting enough for me to want to explore and perhaps share here - then I try to find the time and the words to do it. I also have told myself that I would like to improve my discipline of blogging more regularly - even if there is nothing remotely interesting to write about. So if it seems sometimes like I'm just rambling or thinking out loud (in cyberspace!) then I probably am. Read on or click out!

It was hazy this morning... actually really foggy before I got up. I only know because my boyfriend got up first and looked outside. He let me sleep in because he loves me. Our drive home last night from Arkansas was one of the worst I've ever made. The rain came down so hard and with the 18-wheelers passing - there were many times I could not see the road at all. I was driving blind praying I was not drifting into oncoming traffic. There was also no safe place to pull off the road. Needless to say, I kept our speed slow and we "crawled" home. When we arrived, my muscles ached from the tension. Some hot tea and relaxation helped me fall asleep finally.

Today I'm trying to catch up on work. I came in late but won't take a lunch - other than the few minutes it takes me to write this.

We had a great weekend in Eureka Springs. I had never been before, and I didn't get to see everything on our short visit, but I would like to go back again sometime. It was Diversity Weekend so there were a lot of gay, bi and supportive people visiting. We met some very nice people from all over and may even have gotten some work doing wedding photography for a woman and her fiancee'. My boyfriend also made some design contacts that may translate into some design work for him. It was a relaxing but productive weekend.

We helped my boyfriend's brother celebrate his 30th birthday with his partner and his best friend. That was a lot of fun too!

Now I find myself back in the office on Monday, with a full schedule ahead of me, and hazy skies outside. I'm very at peace with myself today, and ready to face what the day, the week and the future has in store for me.

I pray for peace for you all as well.

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

11/02/2006 - OH, AMERICA...

2006-11-02T13:36:00.000-06:00

This bears repeating…

We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the USA. Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title "C"ntarea Americii, meaning "Ode To America") in the Romanian newspaper Evenime ntulzilei, translated as "The Daily Event" or "News of the Day."

~An Ode to America~
Why are Americans so united?
They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color!
They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.
Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart.
Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army, or the secret service that they are only a bunch of losers.
Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts.
Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.
Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag.
They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.
On every occasion, they started singing: "God Bless America!"
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was
Or, of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorist and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?
Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes.
And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.
What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way?
Their land?
Their history?
Their economic Power?
Money?
I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.
I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion...
Only freedom can work such miracles.

Cornel Nistorescu

Sometimes It takes a person on the outside - looking in - to see what we take for granted!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!

WOOF ya later!
~ bbw

10/11/2006 - SOULMATE...

2006-10-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

Here is an excerpt from an online article by Barrie Dolnick which I wanted to share. Barrie Dolnick helps people find love and happiness by understanding their stars and their karmic energy. She is the author of twelve books, including Enlighten Up! and KarmaBabe. Her website is www.barriedolnick.com.

Also, the word soulmate is usually spelled as two words, but for personal reasons, my partner and I spell it as a single, unified word. I’ve adjusted this post accordingly. If that bothers you… get over it!

The truth about Soulmates
We’ve all heard stories about people who lock eyes across a crowded room and know for sure they’ll marry each other. They are soulmates, right? Could be. But that’s not the only way you meet them, and it’s certainly not always instant love. Toss your preconceived notions about soulmates and learn what the experts say. It may surprise you.

Soulmates are matches made in heaven. According to Yale Chaplain Rabbi James Ponet, traditional (Judeo-Christian) ideas about soulmates are summed up in this 2nd Century story:

A wealthy Roman matron says to a rabbinic sage, “Since your Creator God made the universe in seven days, what’s he been doing since?” The Sage replied, “He's been making couples.” The Roman woman says, “I can do that!” She proceeds to command one hundred slaves to be coupled off and sends them to a great dwelling. After one night, the place is in shambles; the couples have fought and degenerated into chaos. In defeat and shame, she goes back to the Sage and says, “Oh, that’s no minor thing that your God does.”

And that’s why it is common to believe that marriages are made in heaven. In Hebrew the word is B’shert—roughly translated as “beloved” or “The One.” This is where the basic idea of soulmates originates.

Soulmates are not a one-shot deal. Don’t panic. You didn’t miss meeting your soulmate when you skipped going to that party last weekend. Soulmates find you if you’re open to them. Besides, you don’t have one great love—you have many potential great loves. According to New York Minister and Psycho-Spiritual Counselor, Susan Lemak, soulmates are profound soul connections in your life. When you’re with one, you stop looking, so you’re not aware of the other potential soulmates around you. While you’re thinking how hard it is to find The One, the reality is that it’s hard for you to choose. A soulmate is someone who reflects or matches your energy and your path in life. A soulmate is someone whose power and potential are complementary to your own. And you’ll find them in the most unlikely places. Lemak adds, “You know that great person sitting near you at work? The one who makes you laugh, but might be 10 pounds overweight? Maybe not the coolest person—but dig a little deeper. You could find a soulmate in there.”

Soulmates are about work, not play. The word “soul” opens a gigantic can of karma. While dating and light relationships are all about fun and playfulness, soulmates are all about deep emotional support, trust and faith. When you choose to go deeper with someone, you’re opening yourself up—you get emotionally naked. Susan Strong, San Mateo-based astrologer and metaphysical counselor jokes, “Sometimes our soulmates become our cross to bear. You marry someone who is your soulmate and, over time, you realize you’re connected not just through chemistry, but because you are there to help each other.”

Most guys don’t think about soulmates, no matter what “The Bachelor” says. Strong also considers the very concept of soulmates a more feminine event. “Men don’t look for soulmates nor do they really think about meeting their soulmate. Sure, a man can be in a happy, committed, connected relationship, but he won’t necessarily tell his friends that he’s with his soulmate.” Women are more aware of a soul connection because they are more introspective in that way. Women need to feel a deeper connection with a man. That soul connection is there—but (some) men just don’t define it.

Soulmates are not necessarily permanent. Like the ending of a fairytale, we’re often raised to believe that a soulmate is our “happily over after.” How old were you when realized that fairy tales don’t come true? Soulmates are certainly considered the prince charming and his princess of modern romance. Yet what happens if your romance goes sour—that soulmate turns out to be a bum? Of course you’re not out of luck. You move on, heal, and open up to the next soulmate. If you look at the traditional idea of soulmates, your beloved, you’ll realize that a higher force may have more than one love in store for you. To love someone and be loved is a deeply spiritual state.

In the words of St. Theresa of Avila,
Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/07/2006 - NO MORE DRAMA...

2006-09-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

I received an email from a good friend today. It was related to something I had already read about in the news and had received other spam mail about from various anonymous sources. Because this email came from a friend, I felt compelled to reply. The subject of all this activity is an ABC miniseries "docudrama" titled "The Path To 9/11" and is scheduled for release on the anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. My good friend and I don't necessarily see things eye-to-eye politically, but I'm fairly certain we want pretty much the same general things for our lives and for our country. Things like respect, honesty, true freedom, acceptance, equality, to name a few. We simply have different ideas about how to get those things. I'm going to include his email and my response below, and then get on with my busy day.

ORIGINAL MESSAGE
Subject: A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 12:34:08 -0700 (PDT)

Isn't it interesting in the immediate days right before a major national election, the party that has always been about lies, misdeeds, and unscrupulous behavior is out ot do it again!
What's most shameful is that this so called 'docudrama' is about 9/11, on the very ANNIVERSARY of 9/11! Has the Republican Party no shame? Not that everyone in the party is this way, just the one in control.

RESPONSE
Have you seen this docudrama? I'm guessing not since it isn't released yet. What do YOU know about it that you weren't told by someone else? Probably someone you haven't even met! Why would I lend my support to keeping something off of television that I haven't even seen? And why would you? The subject line of this email states "A Despicable, Irresponsible Fraud". How can you possibly know that without having seen it? Whatever happened to letting people make up their own minds about the information they receive (and letting them receive it FIRST)?

What are the Democrats so afraid of with this film? This all kind of reminds me of the church's reaction to Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" or "The Da Vinci Code".

I think, as a whole, the Democrats and Republicans, just like organized religion, engage in the exact same kinds of puerile and underhanded tactics - such as censorship of any information that disagrees with their views (whether factual or not). Other than this little commentary in response to the email, I'm not getting caught up in this latest brouhaha over yet another version of someone's drama. Hell - they even call it a docuDRAMA - indicating that events have been dramatized/fictionalized - so why is everyone so surprised? The Da Vinci Code was written as FICTION and still the Pope and his lemmings all got their panties wadded and wedgied!

The real shame is that the general public will never know who's telling the truth anyway - the one who says it happened this way - or the one who says it didn't. Unless there is documented proof (video, transcripts, etc.) that can be verified - it is ALL hearsay.

In the end we are left to judge a man's (or woman's) word by what we see in their character, and there's a huge shortage of good character out there in both camps, Republican and Democrat. Don't even get me started on the churches!

God bless America, and each of the legal, decent citizens who call it their home.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/14/2006 - MEASURING...

2006-08-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

Today I seem to be struggling with the idea that being busy should always result in quantifiable and measurable outputs. That's the way it is at work. We get measured by what we produce - and when we are really busy - we end up with more "product" to show for it. But life outside of the workforce doesn't seem to follow that same rule.

Instead, I look at my calendar and see very few slots of time where I don't have something going on. But when the day, week, month or year is gone - I find myself looking for the things "produced" from all of that activity. Do you ever look at the clock late at night and ask yourself "where did the day go?" You know it was a long and hectic (i.e. busy) day - but you don't feel like you have enough to show for it. Well, that's what I'm struggling with in my mind today.

I just celebrated two anniversaries last week. One was the 22nd anniversary of marriage to my wife, and the other was the 8th anniversary with my current employer. In both cases, I can see a lot of output over the years, but I still find myself wondering where the time went - and if I did "enough" with that time.

I'm sure if you asked 100 different people how they measure "success" over time - you would get somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 different answers and methods or measuring. So, for me as well, this feeling is part of an internal and personal struggle.

I've never worked for a company for 8 years before. I'm not sure I ever wanted to work somewhere for that long a period of time, because I used to think that meant doing pretty much the same thing over and over for years. I've had to change my thoughts about that since my current company is so large and I've actually held several different jobs, in different disciplines and with different groups of people - so it hardly seems like working in the same place after all. Someday I'm sure I'll leave - or at least transfer to another part of the world - just for a change of scenery and culture.

22 years of marriage is also nothing to sneeze at. I've always been proud of being married - even when my wife and I started moving in different directions about 4 or so years ago, the marriage itself was something we trusted in and felt strongly about. We drew a lot of personal strength from being a family and from being parents and partners in raising our children. That's why it was really hard for me, and strange, that we really didn't do anything to celebrate it this year. It's actually 25 years now that we have been together, since we dated for three years prior to getting married, but it seems like we are less "together" now than we have ever been, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.

My wife and I have been concentrating on "finding our own way" and our own lives - apart or separated from one another - while trying to stay together as partners in parenting and as a family. That has worked well for us in the past but may have run its course now. The kids are pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. Though two still live at home, one is in college and working and the other is about to start his senior year in high school and spends a lot of time developing his art. Which leaves my wife and I with very little interaction.

I have a partner with whom I spend as much time as possible, and my wife has been spending her time with friends, on dates or online meeting new men - looking for her "self" and "her own way". The more we do this - the more awkward it seems for us to come together and "reconnect" as parents and as friends. I've never done this before so I don't know if what we are doing is normal or the "right" way or not, but I do know it is impossible to go back to where we used to be - and very hard to see the direction we should be taking ahead!

I have faith that she and I are good people, good parents and good friends. We may not be able to be at our best around each other right now - but in the long run, we will find ways to tap into all of the love and goodness that God has bestowed upon us and within us and we will not only find our way to fulfillment and happiness - but also find our way through past hurts to the place called forgiveness. When that happens - we will truly celebrate!

So I look at my job and all of the experience that now covers my resume' and can see that I've gotten a lot out of my 8 years with this employer. I also look at my children and the adults they have become and are still becoming and it makes me very proud to be their father. I think it is even fair to say that with children - with my three anyway - I get out far more than I ever put in. And I measure the outputs in smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, tears and the lifetime of "togetherness" shared up until now, and the promise of what is yet to come!

Remember - love today like there is no tomorrow!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

07/28/2006 - BLAH BLAH BLOG...

2006-07-28T16:18:00.000-05:00

I don't usually just write in the blog without something particular on my mind, but it's been TOO long since I've added an update, and I've been so buried in spreadsheets today at work that I have to take a break. So here I am...

It's Friday and that's a good thing! Nothing big planned for the weekend except possibly a trip to Hurricane Harbor with some friends. That place is always fun. Of course, I love the water.

My son is 17 and drove a car for the first time yesterday. He called his mom and told her it was the most harrowing experience of his life! I'm glad he is taking it seriously and we told him to hang in there, it was like that for us at his age too. :) It is scary to think of him driving though. I tease my daughter all the time that she's already hit everything in town. That is a slight exaggeration. My son is generally a more careful person. I hope that is also reflected in his driving skills.

Life for me has been good lately. My partner and I moved to a bigger place. It seems much more like "our place" even though I still live at home with my wife and kids too. I guess you can say I have two homes right now. I think sometimes living this way is more difficult than just moving out all at once but I take it as part of the "transition". As far as I can tell - everyone seems to be handling it well, although we all have our "tough" days too.

Being in my current position is hard to define. I'm not "between" partners - I'm in the middle of having "overlapping" partners... my wife and my boyfriend. I love and care for them both - and yet still have to find time for my kids and for myself. Some days it is harder to tell if the balance is working but I continue to try and do my best without getting too stressed over what others think and feel. That's the hard part for me.

I decided (again) this week that my life really shouldn't be based on what other's think or feel is right for me. I have come to that conclusion many times before but I always seem to migrate back to being a "pleaser" and whether I act on that impulse or not, the pressure to make others happy is always on me. I'm not sure what I want to do about it either - but I want the end result to be a healthy one for me.

I think this is all for today. I'm a bit stressed and need to go decompress. I think I'll take in a movie with my bf. Then perhaps go out and drink heavily (but responsibly!). I hope that all of the people close to me in this journey and in my life know that I love them, care for them and need them. I may not always be doing enough to get that message across. For that I can only hope for their understanding and mercy.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

05/24/2006 - TRUE FRIENDS...

2006-05-24T11:40:00.000-05:00

My dad sent this to me the other day - and except for some minor tweaks - I have included it here unchanged. I laughed when I read this because it is VERY much like me. I hope you enjoy it as well. :)

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this post - just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will speak slower and use smaller words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Remember: Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

05/12/2006 - LETTING GO...

2006-05-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

I've always been the kind of person who gathers things from various places, whether I need them or not, and brings them home for "future use". Call me a "collector". It has a better ring to it than, say... "dumpster diver"! Although, I remember all the way back in grade school, in June, after school was out, I would go behind the school and go through the dumpsters and find all the really "cool" stuff that the janitors and teachers had thrown away. Friends and I would get the used fluorescent tubes and play swords! Ultimately exploding the tubes on the cement with utter joy! We had light sabers before Star Wars came around! But I stray from the story... remember this point... I'm a "collector".

The thing about us "collectors" is that we turn into what other people sometimes refer to as "pack rats"! That's because we can collect much easier and faster than we can consume or use the items we store away. Often we don't even know what we will use something for. We just know that there is a "purpose" for the item somewhere in the future! Needless to say - we have space issues, storage issues, priority issues, and in particular... issues with letting our "stuff" go.

At this point in time, no vehicles can be parked in my two-car garage. One reason for that is that I did not put the 24 storage tubs of Christmas decorations (yes, more stuff!) back into the attic yet. But even if I did, there wouldn't be room for a car. My den has stacks of boxes and tubs that have to be moved just to get to the closet. I have stacks and stacks of books I plan to read someday, after I retire... maybe.

I plan to go through all these things, and have made several well-intentioned attempts to "clear things out" and get rid of things I don't need. But, the stuff usually wins.

I've been thinking about this aspect of my personality a lot lately. Not because I keep stubbing my toe on the stacks of boxes, or because it is a literal struggle to walk through my garage with my briefcase and camera bag each evening... but because I have realized I have trouble letting go of a lot of things - and not just "stuff".

This past week, as I struggled to develop and maintain two mySpace profiles, I realized how much time it was taking out of my days. I began to evaluate all the time I spend on those profiles, and the three websites I maintain, and emails accounts I have to check, read and answer for work and my personal email, and I came to the realization that I was simply running out of time! I asked myself why I was adding new mySpace profiles and came to the conclusion that it was so I could stay in touch with my friends, several of whom had urged me to get on mySpace!

So, there I was - tired, frustrated, running out of time and not knowing what to do about it all. I truly felt that each profile was a connection for me to someone, some friend or friends somewhere. And after all, we all want to be connected. We all want to belong. So it was somewhat against my nature when I started to think about closing some profiles. It made sense that I closed the mySpace because it was the newest and the one that took more time to maintain than some others. I also discovered that the need to simplify my life was greater than the need to "hold on" to my new "friend connections". It helped for me to realize that I'm not really cutting off contact with my friends, because they have my email and phone number. I was simply letting go of ONLY ONE way or method of reaching me.

This process of trying to simplify my life by reducing unnecessary elements, led me to think even deeper about my issues with letting go, and how this relates to people I know.

Even though I've always been shy, and it is hard for me to approach new people, once I was able to develop a rapport with someone, I have always considered them friends for life. Until the last 3 years, I had no concept of turning away a friend. Sure, sometimes we grow apart from people and lose track - but I had never considered cutting anyone out of my life intentionally. That is until I attracted a stalker! This stalker had been a friend, and because of that I made concession after concession and excuse after excuse and only when he became a danger to myself and my family did I tell him to leave us alone and never contact us again. At that point, I felt it was a need - even though it hurt me to do that to someone I once called friend.

But now, my thoughts are different. I'm looking at the people in my life and seeing that they too take time to care for, to nurture, to support and to encourage. All the things we do for our friends. And I realized that my time and resources are limited in this area as well. I had to start looking at individuals and ask myself - am I benefiting from this relationship - or is it more one-sided? Is there too much "take" and not enough "give" to support a friendship we can refer to as "healthy"? The collector in me says "You can never have too many friends!" but reality has begun to teach me a little different. First, I have to figure out what a true friend should look like. Just because someone is friendly and fun to be around - they may not really be bringing enough substance or positive energy to your life to sustain a true friendship. I think that if a person is a true friend, then the friendship is mutually beneficial to both parties. If that isn't the case - perhaps we need to let them "go" as friends, and be satisfied to consider them acquaintances instead - but then also limit the amount of energy and resources we devote to them - reserving enough energy and resources to keep ourselves healthy and our true friendships healthy as well.

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this - but I do know I have people in my life whom I have considered friends, but who in reality take far more energy and resources than they give, sometimes bringing more drama than peace to my life and who may also be complicating and jeopardizing my true friendships as a result. I'll have to think more about this topic, and may find that rather than holding onto something or someone who is draining me instead of supporting me, I may just have to begin letting go...

May you each find peace, love and friendship in the truest sense...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

04/20/2006 - THE HEAT IS ON...

2006-04-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hey all!!! WoW! It's been a month since I was last on here... NO I was not on vacation. I've just been very very bizzayyyyy!!!

I guess the highlights since my last post include attending TBRU (Texas Bear Round-Up) in Dallas over the last weekend of March. Then I went to Corpus Christi and Padre Island to attend a wedding in which my bf was a groomsman. And then last weekend was Easter and on Sunday I took my bf, my wife and my kids down to the park off of Turtle Creek in Dallas to picnic and to watch the annual "Pooch Parade"!

TBRU has never been much of an "event" for me because I have never registered and done the whole "run" with all of its activities. Instead, I just go out in the gayborhood and to the clubs and bars to meet people - either new friends or old friends who are visiting from out of town. It is always fun and a little less hectic since I don't have the event schedule to keep up with! This year was the same. I got to meet some new people and see some other friends who I hadn't seen since last year. It was fun to relax and play catch-up over a few Bud Lite's! :) My bf and I spent the weekend just chillin either at his place or at Buli (awesome coffee shop on Cedar Springs) or at one patio or another! We both had a really good time.

The wedding in Corpus started out as a good excuse for a road-trip but turned out to be a total BLAST! The couple that got married have actually been married for 9 years, but that was done at the Justice of the Peace and the bride wanted a church wedding! But by including the bf and I - I believe she got much more than she bargained for! She and her husband and all of their family and friends turned out to be just the nicest, sweetest, funnest and most down-to-earth people that you would ever want to meet!

I was asked to do the photography for the pre-party, wedding and after-party (yes - they partayyyy!) and decided I would do that as a wedding gift, although several people had offered to pay for pictures. I took almost 1000 pics during the weekend. The one down-spot for me was that one of my memory cards had become corrupted and I lost about 250 pictures- including all the really good ones of the children at the reception. I'm STILL BUMMED!!! (moving on...)

The wedding couple and their friends took us on a limo tour of Corpus and parts of Padre while we drank and joked as the driver just rolled his eyes. I can't even go into all the different things we did that night - but believe me, it was crazy, unexpected and some of the things we did were just very, VERY WRONG!!!! LOL - but most of all - it was FUN! (and not entirely illegal!) We've been in touch with that crew almost daily since we came home and we all can't wait for a chance to get together again!

Easter this year was definitely different for me. In the most recent years prior - I would be all tied up in church activities - preparing for the Good Friday service, and then for the Easter Sunday service, and last year we even had a service on Saturday night! But with the my old church now officially defunct - I was free to do whatever I wanted! What a good feeling that was! So I decided to have the whole family go down to the park and watch Dallas' annual "pooch parade"! I'm not sure of the official name but a lot of people will dress up their dogs and even themselves to put on a parade for the people in the park. We got their with our fried chicken, mashed potatoes and our blankets and grabbed a spot in the shade! It got VERY VERY HOT that day - might have even broke 100F. Other friends called and came out to meet us and visit. It was just a real nice, relaxing time. It was really cool to include my kids, my wife and my boyfriend in this special way.

Well - that should have me caught up on the latest about what is going on with me... I hope that all of you are enjoying life, following your dreams and being kind to those around you. If not - you BETTER START!

Love and peace!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/21/2006 - FOOD FOR THOUGHT...

2006-03-21T11:32:00.000-06:00

This was sent to me by the man I love. I believe it applies to us all. So I wanted to share...

As you grow up…
You will learn that the one person who wasn't ever supposed to let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it gets harder to handle each time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
And
You will eventually lose someone you love

Go ahead and take too many pictures
Make as many memories as you can
Laugh too much and too loud
And love like you've never been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

So…Wait for the ONE who…
…calls you beautiful instead of hot
…calls you back after you hang up on them
…will stay awake just to watch you sleep
…kisses your forehead
…wants to show you off to the world when you are in baggy pants and a torn T-shirt
…holds your hand in front of their friends
.…is constantly reminding you of how much they care about you
…says how lucky they are to have you
…turns to their friends and points to you and says, "..there he/she is – they are the ONE for me!"

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/20/2006 - TORN...

2006-03-20T15:29:00.000-06:00

When you get bad news about someone you don't really know - it is easy to sympathize, but most often, deep feelings are spared. When you get bad news about someone you care about - there is the real pain of hurting for them, and hurting with them, and of course - wanting to do something to help.

Recently I heard some bad news about someone who falls outside of the two categories above. It was about someone I know, and used to care dearly for as a friend, but who has since shown himself to be very emotionally immature and unstable, choosing to attack me both physically and verbally, to such a degree that my feelings for him now are more akin to contempt and pity.

Then last week, without warning, I was told the "word on the street" is that my former friend had contracted the HIV virus, and worse, that he was having unprotected sex with others and lying to them about his status. I didn't know what to think. Moreover, I didn't know what to feel.

Knowing a little about the gay community in Dallas, and having some sense of the large number of people this man has alienated, I thought, and even hoped - that it was just a vicious rumor. Knowing also that it is practically impossible to truly know the HIV status of another person without actually seeing their medical test results, I questioned how accurate this news could really be. So I sat on what I had been told, and I realized that it was really bothering me. So I started to think about why I was so bothered.

I have since come to the conclusion that what bothered me initially was the fact that I didn't know how to feel. I was torn. I felt sad for the guy, and found myself hoping that it wasn't true. I also felt sad for anyone who may have had unprotected sex with him, because if they also heard the news - they would be in a panic over their careless choices - whether the news was factual or not. Then I felt angry... angry that anyone with HIV would lie to others about their status and angry with anyone who wouldn't just simply protect themselves REGARDLESS of what a random sex partner told them.

I thought about contacting the guy and just asking him outright if the news was true. I figured that he would either get mad that I asked, or deny that he was positive, or simply ignore my question. After giving it some thought, I determined to send him a message online and just tell him what I had heard and ask if it was true. I have always felt the best way to dispel a rumor was to go to the source. Since only he would know the "truth" I decided to give him the opportunity to set things straight. I figured that if he confirmed that he was indeed HIV positive, I could offer my condolences and maybe try to see if there was anything I could do to help. If he told me he was not HIV positive, then I would choose to believe him and be relieved that the rumor was false. So last week I asked him - and he chose not to respond.

The lack of response is actually what I expected from him. So I was not surprised or bothered by it. I also expected that he would then start talking to others about how I am spreading a rumor that he has contracted HIV - which he has already started to do. None of that bothers me - and in fact - I feel much better now. I'm no longer torn about how to feel. I think it was appropriate that I was worried for him and that I let him know what I had heard. If he ever does find out that he has HIV, I want him to know he can talk to me about it. Whether or not he ever chooses to do that would be in his court.

It is a peculiar world we live in where we have to assume other people are liars. But when it comes to sex, particularly in the gay community, we need to do just that. Unless someone tells us they have HIV or AIDS - if we want to have a sexual encounter with them, we need to assume that they are positive. And we need to protect ourselves accordingly! Too many people have contracted the HIV virus from others who swore they were negative. Too many young men, thinking that playing "somewhat" safe is safe enough - are now dealing with HIV and AIDS and all the emotions and trauma and health issues and costs that go along with that. Too many men aren't even being tested because not knowing their status allows them to say either they are negative "last time they checked" or to say "I don't know" leaving others to hope for the best.

If my former friend is HIV positive and having unprotected sex, well shame on him. But we cannot rest the blame solely on him, or anyone who is doing that. We need to hold all parties accountable. NO ONE out there in the world has made YOUR HEALTH their number one priority. So if you don't do it - no one will. Everyone - please know that there ARE men in the Dallas area and all over the world who are lying about their HIV status. Please take the responsibility that is yours alone - and protect yourself during sex.

TBRU is coming up this weekend. Please - make it a fun, and safe experience!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

03/06/2006 - BLESSED DAYS...

2006-03-06T15:56:00.000-06:00

I'm back in the office today for the first time in almost two weeks. Normally that would mean I had a good, lengthy vacation - but not this time. My daughter suffers from Crohn's disease and we spent 11 days in the hospital trying to get her stabilized after discovering two abscesses in her abdomen and two new fistulae. I spent most of the time in her hospital room with her, leaving for a few of the nights while my wife came to give me a break, but working remotely from the hospital during the days. The good news is that she is home now and feeling much better! Praise God!

They say that God works in mysterious ways - and it was no different in the past two weeks. Getting to spend time with my daughter, almost completely uninterrupted for 11 days, was a blessing in itself. Much of the time she spent sleeping - so I was left in the quiet, dark room with plenty of time to think, or chat with friends online. When she was alert, we could talk and sit around playing cards. In our busy lives, we haven't had that much alone time with each other, and it was wonderful for us.

During that time, especially when I was the only one in the room awake - I would keep an outside line going with friends and family on the "outside". I was able to keep people updated on her condition and to also catch up with news about them and their families and loved ones. There was also a lot of time for prayer and reflection. It was during these times that I realized how lucky I am.

I'm lucky to have a daughter, and especially one so beautiful, talented and wonderful. It makes me pause when I see her so sick, and think about what my life would be like if I did not have her with me tomorrow. It really brings home to me how precious our time really is. Not that I didn't already know that - but it was a timely reminder. To see her in the hospital, dealing with the doctors, answering their questions and taking control of her treatment and her life - I see a strong and capable woman of 18. Her fierce independence and stubbornness that sometimes aggravates me to no end, makes me very proud to be her father and to know that she can take care of herself if she has to. Her timid, suffering moment - when she reaches for my hand to squeeze when she is scared or when the pain is too much to bear alone, breaks my heart and floods it with warmth and pride all at the same time. She is my daughter and I will always be her daddy.

I'm lucky to have my son too. He will be turning 17 this year! He is so excited about his birthday and about becoming a man. It thrills me to spend time with him and watch him with his still-childlike exuberance balanced on the edge of a man-like seriousness. He's always been the one who never wanted to grow up. He has always loved childhood - and because of that - has instilled something his childhood into each person who knows him. But he is growing up - and the fact that he is looking forward to the independence that comes with age will attest to that. He still takes life a day at a time. He still doesn't take too many things too seriously. And he still loves to laugh, tease, instigate, joke and play - just as much as he did when he was two! I look forward to any opportunity to be with him and to watch his mind work, and to see him shape his own personality, his own humor and his love of others, into the man that he is becoming. He is my son - and he lovingly calls me Dad.

I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to let me go and grow into the man I am becoming. My wife and I are still on our parallel journey. We are separated in many ways - yet also inextricably linked as parents, partners and friends forever. Our path is not completely smooth but neither is it unbearably rocky. Our challenges constantly change as we both become more and more independent - not unlike our children! We continue to make new friends and meet new people - all of whom come secondary to our family but some of whom get introduced to our family - and become friends of us all. We do tend to move quite slowly when it comes to introducing new people to our kids. We don't want to make the same mistake we did a few years ago when we introduced a man named Christopher, whom we thought was a friend, but who turned out instead, to be a fraud and an opportunist - looking for other people he could pull into his life to supply him with love, affection and intimacy to make up for what is lacking in himself. But like so much other garbage in our lives - we put that, and him, behind us and my wife and I are moving forward. Our love and our commitment to each other and to our children continue to hold strong. We continue to try and find time to connect - even for the briefest of moments at times - just to find out how the other is doing - and if either needs something. It is almost like a dance - to a slow and unfamiliar tune. We may not know all the steps, but we know each other - and that closeness allows us to dance right on through to the end. Our moments together should be treated like gold. When we forget that - we have each other and our children to remind us.

I'm lucky to have a partner who feels as lucky to have me as I am to have him. There is so much to be said about balance being one of the keys to fulfillment. For the first time in a long time, I feel balanced. It isn't so much about equality - because we are not always equal - but it is about finding equilibrium, coming to the center - and maintaining a healthy balance. My partner has been able to reflect back to me a man I've never seen before. He also shows me in himself, a person capable of deep love, deep spirituality, unearned trust and undeserved forgiveness. No matter where we are - the connection is felt. No matter how independent our thoughts, feelings, wants, dreams, desires or actions - we consider and "feel" the other. And through that connection - we are able to maintain our independence and not sacrifice our respect and commitment to each other. I can put pages and pages of words down on paper or on the computer screen - but the words will never adequately describe the truly unique and special bond I have with him.

So you see - these days - I am living a blessed life. Perhaps it has always been so and I just couldn't see it because of some dark events of the past. But I know that each day I try to live for that day and those moments. I try to look over the horizon into tomorrow and build hopes and dreams there. I try to make sure that each time I place my foot on the earth - I am pointing it in the direction of those hopes and those dreams. I try to spend less and less time peering over my shoulder and fearing the demons of childhood. Like for my children and for all children - there is a time to grow up and to put childish things away. My time is now - and it is a most blessed time.

May your days be filled with blessings; even when the sky is dark and the ground is trembling... blessings are on the way!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

02/16/2006 - OLD AGE...

2006-02-16T16:29:00.000-06:00

This was sent to me today by my Dad. Having just turned 44, and having experienced some of the feelings of "getting older" physically despite the age I "feel" inside... I thought it quite appropriate to include here. Enjoy!

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body. The wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I did not need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I can say "yes." and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

02/06/2006 - ANOTHER YEAR BETTER...

2006-02-06T13:18:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday was my birthday. The celebrating actually started on Friday night as my wife made a wonderful Cajun meal of crawfish étouffé, maquechoux (fried corn dish), rice and veggies. My bf made my birthday cake – a pineapple upside-down cake, which is my absolute favorite! It was so moist and the whole meal was just WONDERFUL! After dinner, my bf and I went to a club to celebrate another friends’ birthday. It was nice to see some friends we had not seen in a while. Then on Saturday morning, my wife and kids (mostly my wife!) made a breakfast of waffles, ham, sausage, grits, eggs, cinnamon toast, juice and more! It was a wonderful feast – again! (Birthday’s are GOOD!) But I wasn’t finished with the eating just yet… Saturday night I had dinner at a local seafood restaurant called Hook Line and Sinker. The seafood there is so fresh and delicious and the place is always hopping! The party of 10 ended up being just 7 because three friends ended up not making it. We all ate well and then headed out for some drinks, dancing and socializing. All in all it was a very fun night! Then, Sunday was Super Bowl – so decadent eating was planned again as we had all kinds of junk-food piled up at the house and friends over to enjoy the game! What a great weekend! And, what a great family and group of friends I have at this point in my life! I am more blessed than I can ever express. I hope I do a good job of letting them all know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate their love and care. THANK YOU!

Yes, I’m another year older – but I prefer to think of it as another year BETTER. Better in the sense that I have another year of life-experience and of lessons learned under my belt. I have another year of time spent designing and building this thing I call “my life”. I have another year of shared experiences with family, friends (old and new!) and loved-ones. This year I turned 44. In some ways that seems “old” but in so many ways – I don’t feel “old” at all. When I think about it – I never have felt old – at least not yet. But there are days when I look in the mirror and am faced with the reality of physical changes. Some days I look more tired, or allergies have me looking puffy and such. But inside, I still have energy and vitality – and in many ways I have more than I’ve had in years! So, should 44 bother me? It doesn’t. I hear all the time that I look much younger than I am. That can be very flattering – and, if I let myself believe it, I suppose it could affect how I see myself. But I’ve never been a fan of letting others decide for me how to feel about myself. I spent far too much time in my childhood and youth letting others tell me who I was, what I liked, what I wanted and what I was supposed to be and do. So I’m pretty resistant now to letting others affect or alter my self-image, even if it is a positive change. But just like the comments I hear about how young I look – there are many people, especially men in the gay community, that are hung up on the “numbers” of age.

When I used to chat more online, I would sometimes encounter guys who would engage me in conversation, only to stop abruptly when they found out I was 40 or older. I have had some tell me they really aren’t interested in talking to or meeting someone in their 40s. Other’s revealed that they only talk to guys aged 30 or younger and so on and so forth. I never could understand this – and I guess I still don’t. But if I did buy into this way of thinking – I think I would feel old. I think that many guys DO buy into it – that’s why I see so many guys my age and older getting face lifts, botox, dye-jobs, spray-on tans and more. I don’t want to judge them for this – but I do think it is sad that the idea of the “culture of youth” causes them to try and alter their appearance – often with less than desirable results. What’s even sadder – is that often the procedures don’t mask their age at all – it only underlines their age and their desperation to escape to younger days. I would love to encourage everyone to embrace their own age and to embrace others for who they are as people – regardless of their age. I think if we could all do more of that – the world would be a friendlier, warmer and more loving place. And I think the gay community would experience less frustration, loneliness and exclusion from inside as well as out.

My birthday marked the beginning of another year of my life. Hey! I’m 44 now!!! What will that mean in the long run? I guess I’ll know the answer to that next February. I can say that I am very excited about what this next year holds for me. I’m continuing to gradually build my business as an artist and photographer. I’m continuing to express myself creatively in writing, art and the way I live my life. I’m continuing to face each day on my own terms – taking care of myself, my family, my wife, my kids, my boyfriend and my friends. I’m continuing to express the feelings and desires of my heart and soul by journaling both in private and in this blog. I’m continuing to speak out against what I see as unjust or unfair or just downright wrong – and I’m continuing to applaud, encourage and support those things in life that are good, fair, uplifting and bringing freedom to people around the world. I have a busy year ahead of me! I don’t have time to feel old, or sorry for myself. I find the more that I get involved in life – the more energy I have and the younger I feel. I encourage you all to try it. Get into life. Get into your life and move it in a direction that is right and healthy for you and your spirit!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/30/2006 - MONDAY MONDAY...

2006-01-30T23:49:00.000-06:00

Well January 2006 is almost gone! WOW - it's been a whirlwind month. By all rights I should not be feeling so good today - having just gotten over a cold and only getting 4 hours of sleep last night. Also dealing with some difficult projects at work and business meetings and conference calls - to which I like to joke, I'm allergic! But, it was just one of those positive and high-energy days and nothing could get me down. My spirit has been soaring all day and I managed to get quite a bit accomplished. I'm feeling better after the cold and the rest of my family and loved-ones are all happy and healthy!

That's not to say my feathers didn't get ruffled a bit - especially when I got the news that a whole new batch of former church members are now phoning around gossiping about how they heard a rumor that I was living a "homosexual lifestyle". Apparently this was a topic of discussion at the pastor's home where church was held this past Sunday. It seems that at some time after church, calls were relayed across the metroplex to people I haven't had any contact with in over 5 years, trying to find out if anyone knew or could validate the rumor! I guess my question would be "What exactly is a 'homosexual lifestyle'?"

I mean seriously! I've always had a problem with labels being used to define people, so this didn't sit too well with me on that count. But this also had me chuckling and shaking my head as I pictured these poor unfulfilled people scattering and burning up the phone lines trying to find some threads of truth about my life - no, make that "lifestyle"! What on earth do these folks do with their time? What kind of life allows one to sit in church and discuss someone elses life, AND in sexual terms, and then causes them to take action to involve as many people as they can to try and get to the "truth" - which of course they can't get to without going to the source - which would be my family and I. Finally, a call was placed to some friends of ours who did contact my wife to offer support and apologize for what they called "the gossip". Even though these friends have yet to talk to me - I applaud them for at least calling my wife and letting her know what was going on.

As for the gossip, if I try to make a comparison, I try to imagine me discussing some of them and asking if it is true they are living a hetersexual lifestyle, or in the case of some, an asexual lifestyle. "Could it be true - she ain't gettin' any?" I simply can't imagine that subject being discussed in the church I used to attend. I can't imagine anyone putting up with that. In some ways it is sad. In some ways it is comical, and still in other ways, it is disturbing. These are your "christian" leaders in the community! I just have to say "no thanks!" I'll stick with God and with a deep spirituality and sense of love and integrity as taught by Jesus. I don't have much use for cowards, hypocrites and glass-housed finger pointers. They are the ones giving christians a bad name.

Last year, after my pastor and his wife called my wife over to their house to "out" me to her and to offer her their support, I dealt with my initial reaction and went back to church. I was still the same me, the same man they had always known, but now, some of them knew a little bit more. Since I was not ashamed of my life, it was rather easy for me to continue going. But once the pastor's wife stopped making eye contact and avoiding me without ever saying a word to me about the whole matter, and went to my wife accusing me of avoiding her - I figured it was way too much trouble for her to deal with. Add to that, the fact that my best friends (the pastor and his wife) decided not to discuss the "issues" with me but to talk about me with others instead, and I decided not to return to that church. Once again, these are the people that others in the church look to for leadership. What example is being set?

If you have read this far, you might have forgotten that today, Monday, was a really GOOD day for me. It really was. I've long since dealt with the break-down of past relationships based on the inability of others to face me or deal directly with me. Some send their love to me via my wife. Others act as if I've fallen off the face of the planet. That for the most part is behind me. So the "stirring" today has caused me to think, to ponder, to laugh and to walk through my thoughts and feelings again - but it was also very self-affirming. I found I was rather surprised by my emotional reaction. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hurt. I was just a bit agitated in a pebble-in-the-shoe kind of way. But mostly I laughed at the ridiculous nature of the people whose names were given to me today - the names of those who are all "caught-up" in my "lifestyle" rumor! And the fact that I didn't feel angry or hurt helped me to see that I have grown. I feel that I am learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. So much of what has happened to me, my feelings, my relationships, my choices, etc. is still a bit new to me. I'm still adjusting. My wife and kids are still adjusting. And best of all - even if no one else ever came around to offer support - we have each other. We are still and always will be, a family. I love them. They love me. And I'm learning a little more each day to love me too.

Monday was a good day...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/24/2006 - SPIRITUAL DEPTHS...

2006-01-24T16:20:00.000-06:00

As I got ready for work this morning - I was listening to music on my much-loved iPod when a christian song came on. It was one I had not heard in a while. I think it was by DC Talk. The lyrics state "I know you need some Jesus in your life" and I got to thinking about what that meant.

On the drive in this morning - the questions were still buzzing around in my head and I reached the conclusion that what was missing from most christian churches, theologies and orthodox teachings was just that, Christ - or rather, Jesus.

I've always been a deeply spiritual person - even more so since belonging to my former church where Pastor John taught us about spirit, the "true voice" of Christ and the foundational nature of love and forgiveness. And since that is a part of my nature, I've been missing the sense of belonging to a spiritual community. I would love to say I miss my old church and my "friends" there - but in truth, I only miss what they once represented to me. Before I left the church, they were always so friendly and not one day would go by without me getting at least one email or phone call from someone at church. But after being somewhat "outed" to my pastor and his wife, apparently tongues got to wagging and these so-called friends and christians began talking about me rather than to me. So I can't say I miss them at all. But I do miss the idea of them as friends and as my spiritual "family".

So the lyrics of the song spoke to me this morning, and I started to think of them in a larger context - that the world needs some Jesus. What does this mean? Should we spread Christianity across the world? Should we spread Jesus across the world? No... I don't think that is what God wants nor do I think it is what Jesus called us to do. Instead, we are to take the model Jesus brought us; the model of love and forgiveness, of acceptance and tolerance, of patience and kindness, and remake ourselves in that image. If we were to do that - we wouldn't have to be caught up in teaching "about" Jesus - instead, we would be teaching those around us how to BE Jesus.

Yes, we need some Jesus in our lives. We need to be able to see him in our actions AND our words, not just one or the other. We need to be able to see him in our reflection when we gaze upon the mirror or a still pond. We need to be able to see him in our children who are the best reflections of ourselves that we shall ever encounter. We need to see him in the eyes of our friends when they look upon us with a pure love.

Today's religions are all working from the wrong spiritual foundation. One of the first things they do when a newcomer walks in the door is to explain why "they" are different from other religions - and then - why "they" are right while others are wrong. This in itself screams hypocrasy because Jesus would have started not by focusing on differences, but by focusing on things held in common. Jesus was all about inclusion - while most world religions today are about exclusion. How could they have missed the mark on such a basic concept?

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, or as a rant of sorts - they are just my thoughts. My soul continues to grow and my spirituality continues to deepen with each day. I have some friends and family with whom I can share this - but I want to reach out into the world and encourage all of mankind, to love each other and to accept each other.

I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people, friends and family that love and accept me in a way I've never experienced before in my life. I want that for you too!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/17/2006 - TIME TRAVELING...

2006-01-17T12:48:00.000-06:00

Ah yes... a new year and all the promise and excitement that holds in our imaginations! What will this year bring? What will we do with our time this year? Will we finally make the time to do that thing we have been thinking about for years...

Only you know the answers to those questions for yourself.

As for me, it is strange that I even ask the questions. I've always been a "today" kinda guy. For many, many reasons I have never spent a lot of time thinking about my past. Although, for a long time, my past did seem to consume way too much of my present! On the other side of things - I could never grasp the concept of "seeing" a future. Even now it is strange for me.

I've often been to seminars, meetings or simply in discussion with friends where I was asked to tell or write about where I see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I HATED that! I could never come up with anything. All I could say was "I don't know" and the truth be told - I really didn't. No one knows for sure where they will be in the coming years - or if they will even be around. But that was never the point! I'm beginning to understand that the point was to allow ourselves to dream of a future. That was something I could never do. I always saw myself in the same spot - doing the same job, living in the same place, driving the same vehicle, hanging with the same people and following the same routine. Not that any of that was bad or wrong - but I was so tightly tied to the present (and control issues) that I wouldn't allow things to become fluid and actually allow for "unknown" change in my vision.

That is starting to change for me now. I'm starting to loosen up as I realize control is just an illusion. I'm starting to live with more purpose and with less fear, and a few days ago I realized that my bf had a lot to do bringing about this change in me.

I won't go into all the ways he has helped me to be calm, to feel safe and to learn trust. Many of those things are very subtle and they are too many to name... But I managed to put some of my feelings into words in a poem I wrote for him yesterday. Yesterday also happened to be my mother's birthday. She passed away in 2001 and she also represented a huge "control" issue for me in my life. So as I continue to let go of some of my issues regarding control, fear and distrust, perhaps I am also saying goodbye to some negative feelings and energy.

So today, I send my mother a kiss and a wish for a happy birthday as I remember the good things in her - and hope that wherever she is - her spirit is blessed.

To my bf - I give this poem and I thank him for helping me dream of a future, my future, our future.

-----------------------------------------------

My Time Traveler

Today I looked at myself
And saw a man I didn’t recognize
I found someone stronger
And more self assured
Than the last time I looked
Someone happier
And more whole
And I thought to myself
Why
Where did he come from
What has happened to me
And I realized
It was you
You happened to me
And you have touched
Every part of me

Like a time traveler
You have moved from the now
Into all parts of my life
You have not only changed my today
But my tomorrow
And surprisingly – my yesterday
No longer is the future so terribly foggy
And today when I looked at my past
The days were not as dark
Nor as hideous
It’s not that the past has changed
But those days no longer hold me
No longer sink fangs into my skin
And catch my every breath
You have changed
Every part of me

What a gift God has given you
To be able to impact time
To have the ability to brighten the future
And calm the turbulent past
What a gift from God
That I now have you in my life
A spirit that travels the same path as I
A soul that understands hurt and pain
A hand that soothes and a word that heals
How blessed are we to have each other
And to have honesty and integrity
You reflect back to me the man I want to be
The man I hope I am
Like a mirror that casts
The light of time across
Every part of me

-----------------------------------------------

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/09/2006 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

2006-01-09T22:52:00.000-06:00

Well this is rather uncharacteristic of me, putting a personal message out here on the World Wide Web, especially since I am such a private person who likes to keep personal matters to myself. However, having said that, I think that birthdays should be celebrated and that we should always try to celebrate those around us. Today is the anniversary of the birth of my boyfriend. And yes, it is traditional to celebrate such days as special and to treat the person to gifts, parties, surprises and tons of attention, but it is so much more to me. Today I celebrate the beginning of a journey that began 35 years ago. I met him just before he turned 34 - so in truth - it took 33 years of wandering through life for us to find each other. The kicker is we weren't aware of each other - nor were we looking for anyone. Yet, somehow life had other plans for us. We were treated to something special... call it fate, or destiny or whatever you want. What I recognize is the miracle of meeting, getting to know, and being with someone who helps me to be a stronger, better man. He is someone who brings out my best instead of my worst, someone who compliments my personality and tempers my rough edges. So, while today is a celebration of his life - I feel like the greatest of gifts was actually given to me. For that, and for him, I am deeply, deeply grateful. One last gift is this poem I wrote for him tonight...

*** DEEPER ***
Tidal waters move
Pounding the shore
Grinding rock, stone, sand
Wearing down
Washing back out
Only to recharge
Pound again
And then wash away
Finding a place
Deeper

So like life
As days come upon us
Sometimes overwhelming
Tearing down
Retreating for a while
Only to cycle around
And hit us again
With circumstance
While we search for something
Deeper

Then there is you
Entering my world
Never overbearing
Always building me up
Yet giving me space
To fail and to grow
For such is love
Within you I've found a soul
And a place
Deeper

--- Happy Birthday Baby!

For us all, let's treat every day like our loved one's birthday - making sure they know they are loved, and appreciated, and that THEY are the true gifts in our lives.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

01/01/2006 - TO BEGIN AGAIN...

2006-01-01T02:13:00.000-06:00

Here we are - a new year has begun! I'm not sure about you, but I've never been big on new year's resolutions. It's just never made much sense to me. Why wait until the beginning of a new year to put into practice something you know you should have done on May 18th?! Now I'm not trying to stomp on anyone's tradition. I believe it is fine for those you practice it - but for me - I want to practice daily resolutions. That is... as each day unfolds and I come across something I need to change in order for my life to be more fulfilled - I want to put that change into effect ASAP!

I hope that as 2006 begins to open up to us, that we can all move into it with intention and determination. I hope we can all find the strength and motivation to develop new self-disciplines if that is what we need to get our lives in order. This is particularly important to me because I tend to over-stretch my life, my time and my involvement in so many different areas. Also, my office at home and my garage are both a wreck - and I need to be more disciplined in cleaning them up - organizing them and keeping them that way!

I also pray that each of you find peace, love and fulfillment this year. That you find a way to make your own lives better and also enhance the lives of those around you.

Happy New Year everyone! May it be the best one yet!!!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

12/27/2005 - HAPPY HAPPY...

2005-12-27T17:39:00.000-06:00

Well, another year about to come to a close. Christmas is now behind us and the new year just days away. So many thoughts and feelings have been going through my mind lately. The Christmas season was great, and it was so fun to celebrate with my wife and kids AND my boyfriend all together under one roof. We also had some friends over so it was a full house!

I was able to send out cards to many long-standing friends, and send email messages and phone text greetings to some other for whom I don't have a mailing address. I'm sure there are still others whom I missed, and to them I say "Happy, Happy Ho Ho!!!" I hope that everyone's Christmas was blessed and that the coming year is filled with opportunities to do more of what we want to do with our lives!

We've had our share of health issues with my daughter dealing with Crohn's disease that doesn't seem to want to rest. The rest of use battling IBS or migraines along with other minor maladies that just make living and working that much more of a challenge. All in all our health has been good - and I pause to think of friends who have HIV, AIDS, Cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. I pray a special prayer for them. It is a prayer of peace, of healing and of love. I've often said to family and friends that I am a great nurse but a terrible patient. If I'm caring for someone who is ill - I will do pretty much whatever I can to make them comfortable and to make sure their needs are met even before they voice them. But, when I'm I'll - a lot of the time I just want to be left alone. I'm trying to be less like that - and more open to allowing others to provide comfort to me. It is just not how I was raised and is so foreign to me that it feels wrong. I say this because I know other people who are ill, who have a hard time facing others or allowing themselves to "need" others in their illness. I'm trying to be more understanding of that and find creative ways to be compassionate and available to them.

For those of us who have been experiencing good health - may it continue into and through the new year!

There is a lot on which I can reflect from 2005, and I probably will in an upcoming blog. In the meantime I just want to send out warm wishes of love and peace to all who read this. May you have peace in your lives, in your heart and in your world.

With all my love and hope for the coming year!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

12/05/2005 - ON THE RUN...

2005-12-05T15:53:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not trying to hide from the holiday crowds and the crazy mall traffic - although I will avoid them as much as I can... but I am moving forward in life at a rather quick clip! This past week and weekend were full of activities and it doesn't look like things will slow down for some time.

My bf and I participated in an art auction this past weekend, both contributing an original piece for sale. All time, supplies and artwork were donated by about 100 local artists, including five really good bands who supplied live music for the auction audience. There were also countless volunteers to help get the venue ready by cleaning, setting up tables, serving drinks - you name it! The event was a total success with amazing attendance and it raised over $11,000 for the Children's Health Fund. My wife, kids and other friends were in attendance and really enjoyed viewing the art and taking in the experience!

We also did our family Christmas cards in our typical family tradition. To make it more of a fun thing - we always go to a local restaurant early on a Saturday morning and order food to eat while we all write out cards, share stories and just basically have a fun time. We also include friends who want to participate and this year my bf came with us.

After doing our cards, we attended the Turtle Creek Chorale holiday concert. This was a first for my children and they really enjoyed the show!

As we get closer and closer to Christmas and New Years, our schedules get tighter and tighter. There are several evenings where I am double-booked and still trying to figure out how to be in two places at one time! No matter! I'm not going to stress out about it and will only do as much as I can. :)

This year the holidays will be somewhat different than in the past few years. Since our last church disbanded and since I'm no longer attending the new church - many of those old friends are no longer in touch with me or with my family. We are still sending them Christmas cards - but I will miss seeing their faces and sitting down to pot-lucks with them. I wish them all the best for their holidays and the coming year. Saying goodbye to the old usually means that we are also saying hello to something new. This year, my bf will participate in our family traditions, feasts and celebrations. I'm not sure how comfortable or awkward any of that will be, but if Thanksgiving is any indication - we are all going to have a wonderful, comfortable, very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

I'm more excited about the holidays this year than I have been in about 4 years... I hope you are excited too!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/22/2005 - LETTING GO...

2005-11-22T14:14:00.000-06:00

As Thanksgiving approaches, there is so much in life for which to be thankful. Sometimes it is harder to see those things. As we become busy with work, family, friends and just daily survival - we can miss the miracles that surround us every second of the day. My prayer for the world is that we all find a way to slow down, to look around, to let go of things that are holding us down, or are simply just not important, and that we take time, no, MAKE time, to do those things that are important. We need to do the things that feed our passions and our souls.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a vision today of a man. Perhaps he was you, or maybe he was me. This man walked around with his left hand balled up into a fist. He was not an angry man and he wasn't attempting to express discontent with a particular person or thing. In fact, he was quite a peaceful man; sort of quiet and even a little sad.

The man's left hand was balled up because he was holding a fistful of sand. He didn't even notice it much anymore, except when he felt some of the sand working through his fingers and spilling out. It had become second nature to him, to hold onto the sand with all his might. So while he was rather laid back and relaxed in most aspects of his demeanor and lifestyle - his left hand and arm had become rigid and stiff. The veins protruding under the bronzed skin covering muscle, sinew and bone.

From his youth, he remembered that day on the beach so clearly. The old woman, who reminded him of a gypsy fortune-teller, had told him to thrust his hand deep into the sand and grab a big handful of the slippery stuff. She told him to hold onto it and never let go. She explained that those grains of sand, each little one, represented a piece of him - and that losing even one grain could result in the loss of something too important to do without.

This had a tremendous impact on his boy-mind - and he worried about his future. He asked the old woman how he would be able to go through life without the use of his left hand. The old woman told him that the sacrifice of his left hand was insignificant compared to the control he now had on his life and his future. She told him that his left hand now held all the power he would ever need to be successful at business, at love and at life in general. She warned the boy that if he were to give up and drop the sand - he would be forever cursed and doomed to failure and even to the point of death. Then she walked away and eventually disappeared on the horizon.

While the boy had been impressionable and intimidated by the prospect of death, with age that intimidation had become determination. Very soon the boy learned to do things using only his right hand. As his dexterity improved, his confidence grew and he felt better and better about himself. The only time that really concerned him was at night, when his body relaxed and he worried about loosening his grip and losing the sand while he slept. So he had devised a contraption of cloth and rubber bands that he placed on his hand each night to assure that his hand would stay tight. Over time, even this became unnecessary as his body learned not to relax his left hand.

As years went by, from time to time a few of the smaller grains of sand would shift and work their way through the cracks in his fist and fall out. At these times the man would panic. He would begin to imagine that his sight would go, or that his kidneys would cease to function. Perhaps he would lose his job or his dog would run away. These panics would be so debilitating that it would take days, sometimes even weeks for him to fully recover, and only after realizing that those particular grains of sand must have represented something minor. Perhaps it was the reason his hair was thinning.

Every now and then - he would begin to sense a deep aching in his left hand. It started out as a minor pain, but soon would work up into a vicious throbbing that radiated from his hand with the pain and heat of a wild fire. The first time this happened - he went to the doctor, desperate for some painkillers. After the doctor called him into the examination room - the man explained about the pain and about the sand in his hand. The doctor looked at him dumbfounded and told him the only thing he needed to do was to let go of the sand. The doctor then started to explain the physiological implications of holding his hand closed so tightly, but was interrupted by the man who, without allowing further explanation, began hurling insults at the doctor and then ran from the examination room, never slowing down until he was safely home. Tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't understand why.

Then suddenly the man in my vision looked up at the mirror in his foyer and saw me. He asked me if I was a vision or a reflection and I told him I was no longer sure. I noticed that the front of my shirt was tear-soaked as well. Then I asked the man to show me his left hand. He held up his fist to the mirror, knowing that I could not touch it. I asked him to show me what was inside of his balled fingers. He withdrew slightly and said that he could not, because if he opened his hand, he would die. I looked into his wet, tired eyes and said three simple words; “It’s just sand”.

Suddenly the man’s mind reeled with images of all the things he had given up as a child, as a young man and as an adult in order to hold tightly to his sand. He remembered the playground where he watched the other kids swing as he stood by gripping his treasure. He remembered the awkward high-school years when he wanted to play baseball and football but settled for being a fan on the sidelines – enduring the taunts of others who called him the “sandman”. He remembered the warm brown eyes of the one woman who ever took the time to talk to him, and who encouraged him to know her better by opening his heart, and his hand to take hers. The salt of new tears blurred these images and burned his face as he realized what a fool he had been. How the old woman at the beach had tricked him and how he had been so gullible. And yet, even in the midst of this revelation – his hand stayed shut like an iron cage.

Defeated, he looked back at the mirror and into my eyes. Desperately he asked – “what can I do?”

Looking back at him, I said that his hand had been closed for many, many years, and that he could not expect to simply open it wide at once. I explained that he needed to go slowly, and break old habits by consciously willing his hand to open. I told him it might take days, months or even years for him to regain full dexterity in his hand, but that the first step was to make the decision to let go. Let the sand fall free. Take the twisted, gnarled hand and treat it with warmth and with love and eventually it would return to him with the usefulness God intended.

As the vision began to fade from me – I thought I saw the man smile, but his head dropped down and I couldn’t be sure. I followed his gaze to the floor to see what he was staring at and there it was; a small,
but growing,
...pile of sand.

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Peace, love and thanks to all of you!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/14/2005 - SEARCHING...

2005-11-14T16:00:00.000-06:00

I'm in a weird mood today - so who knows what this blog will reveal! Maybe it's because I'm tired. The weekend was a busy one as I volunteered to work a vendor booth and also work security at the IGRA (International Gay Rodeo Association) National Finals, held in Mesquite, Texas this past weekend. My bf and I both volunteered and had to be there early in the morning. By Sunday evening we were just completely worn out. We stopped for dinner with friends on our way home and then got to his place and just crashed...

All in all it was a wonderful weekend though. We got to see some dear friends and meet some new people too. I was able to take some pictures of the rodeo and hopefully some of those will turn out good enough to include in my portfolio.

Also, on Thursday, my bf and I celebrated the one-year anniversary of our first face-to-face meeting (we really didn't consider it a date - we just attended the same movie with a group of people). That was a spectacular milestone for us. I'm proud of him and of myself in a small way - for sticking together and communicating with each other through the hard times. He's really an amazing man!

I guess that is what got my mind wandering as I drove in to work today. I thought about how wonderful he is and how much he says, and shows me he loves me. Then I thought about why I find that so incredible, and actually, very hard to believe. I think it goes back to my being raised to think I would never amount to anything - and therefore - never be loveable. On the conscious level - I don't think I ever bought into that. But at some deeper levels - I think I'm conditioned to believe it even today. That is something about myself I want to change.

I started thinking about why, when it appears I have everything I will ever need to bring me happiness and fulfillment, I feel the need to search for something else, or something more. Why can I not accept things as "good" and let them be? Why do I have to have these nagging little thoughts that tell me "it's too good to be true"? Can't it just be true?

I get the feeling that the something else I'm searching for is actually something inside of me - or maybe missing from inside of me. I've worried in the past that I will never really be able to love someone, simply because I don't think I was ever taught what love is, and how love (healthy love) is supposed to look. I'm thoroughly convinced that I can make others "feel" loved. I can even convince myself that I "love" that other person. But - there is still the nagging question in my brain, asking "Is it real? Are you sure? Could you just be fibbing to yourself and to the other person - and then believing your own lie?" This turns into absolute torture for me as I doubt myself, my own intentions, my own feelings and those of everyone around me.

If it is torture for me - imagine what it is like for the people whom I profess to love - when they become aware of my questions, my insecurities, my distrust of myself and of them.

That's why I can tell you that my bf is an amazing man. He knows these "bad" things about me. He even understands a little bit about why I have such doubts. He knows my demons - and also knows that they are not "me". Yes, they are a part of me. They are a part of my experience, but they do not equal me as a person. He knows, and tells me, that I am much larger than those demons, much better and kinder in spirit, and much stronger - so that one day, I will recognize them and overcome them.

So what am I searching for? What are so many of us in the world out there searching for? Perhaps it is the day, or the moment, when we can recognize our own strength, and our own goodness, and then be able to apply that recognition to our new experience of life and finally put away our self-doubts and truly love ourselves, and all of those who are around us, without ever wondering if it is "real". Because then, it will be!

To my hero, my partner, my better-half and soulmate - thank you for making my life "real"!

Peace to your spirits, your searching souls.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

11/09/2005 - PICK UP, MOVE FORWARD...

2005-11-09T13:50:00.000-06:00

The election results in Texas are clear: poor voter turnout with an overwhelming lean toward legislated bigotry, divisiveness and discrimination. Of course I'm talking about Proposition 2, that amends the Texas state constitution to define a "marriage" as a union between one man and one woman. It pains me to realize that here in the "bible belt" - there is very little of Christ in our christianity! This kind of legislation directly contradicts the teachings of Jesus - who always upheld inclusion, acceptance and love. I would include forgiveness - but that does not even apply here. Should we require forgiveness for being gay, bi or transgendered? I don't think so. If forgiveness should be applied to this situation in any way - it will have to be our forgiveness of those who voted for the amendment for "they know not what they do".

Speaking of those who are transgendered, how will this amendment impact them? How will they be looked upon under the law that does not specifically define "man" and "woman"? I guess that is up to future court cases to decide. In any event - this is merely a blight on the human record, that I feel will in time be corrected. Our children and their children are already learning how to accept and embrace diversity. Someday they will be more active in our churches, in our schools and in our government - and they will look back and shake their heads at what has happened here today. They will ask themselves and each other - "What were they thinking?!!!"

For us here today - we need to keep hold of hope. We need to accept this minor defeat, pick ourselves up, dust off our britches and move forward, continuing to spread a message of love, acceptance, inclusion and yes, forgiveness. But we also need to practice what we preach! Let's not just talk about it - let's do it.

In the meantime... peace and love to you all!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

10/26/2005 - UNREST...

2005-10-26T12:19:00.000-05:00

As the title of today's blog indicates - things in my heart are not at peace. There's the whole issue of the proposed "marriage amendment" to the Texas constitution which is so blatantly discriminatory and down-right hateful that all I can do is encourage EVERYONE to vote "NO" on this amendment (Proposition 2) at the polls. For more information please visit http://www.nononsenseinnovember.com/905/index2.php and then ACT! Go out to the polls and vote "No!" PLEASE!

But there are heavier burdens on my heart today. Some of our dear friends and family are aware that my bf and I were approached several weeks ago to move to New Orleans for a period of 18-24 months or longer and act as foremen for disaster relief, clean-up and restoration/construction crews. At that time we both felt led to do this and had begun necessary arrangements without having a contract or anything concrete in hand. Since then the government and insurance companies have been tying things up in bureaucratic red-tape and slowing, if not completely halting, some of the restoration and clean-up work needed. Because of this - insurance claims have been very very slow to pay and we have been waiting for projects to become available. We are still very committed to going down there and working to rebuild the city. We are also very mindful of our responsibilities to our families and need to make sure that the contracts are written so that everyone will be adequately taken care of.

In the meantime - we were asked last week to drive a work crew of 24 men (some as young as 17) from Dallas to New Orleans to work with the group of Disaster Relief leaders already on site. So we agreed to do that. We both figured it would be a good way to assess what is really going on, and to help determine what we should be doing, if anything, to prepare to make the move ourselves. We were not prepared for the sights and smells that were waiting for us. And, we've been told - things are about 400 percent better now than the weeks immediately following hurricane Katrina and then additional flooding caused by Rita.

The camp site for the crew is made up of two trailers for the Disaster Relief company owners, and foremen already on site. The 24 men we brought with us were placed in a variety of 2 to 5-man tents situated in an old junk yard just a few hundred yards from the airport. You would think that there would be better places to set up camp - but honestly - this is one of the few locations that have power! The camp is very rudimentary, with a single port-a-potty for the men to share - and a converted port-a-potty for a shower. Their days, weeks and months ahead will be filled with hard work, starting at 5:30 or 6am each day - working 60 plus hours each week, dragging trash, knocking down walls and eventually - rebuilding.

As for the city of New Orleans - no pictures, video or words can really express the vastness of the destruction down there. No one will ever truly be able to comprehend the full impact on the emotional state of the residents who have left and the few who have chosen to remain. As we drove past downtown and the French Quarter on Interstate 10 heading east - we noticed the small pockets that still had power. What was overwhelming were the miles and miles of utter darkness - or "blackness" that shadowed what should have been bustling malls, shopping centers, businesses and residence communities. On the east and north ends of the Quarter, there was blackness as far as the eye could see. There were no lights on the freeway. No working lights at the on and off ramps. No electricity anywhere for miles and miles. We peered into the darkness and could just make out shapes of buildings, and signs. We pulled off of the interstate and entered the darkened ghost town that used to be the majority of New Orleans. Everything was still. There was not light. There was no movement. There was no noise save for the few cars that buzzed through on the interstate. But what was so eerie looking at night - became even more nightmarish and unreal during the daylight hours.

What was only "blackness" at night, became these ghostly neighborhoods, completely abandoned, covered in dust and salt from the ocean and lake water that covered every inch of ground and several vertical feet - up to 20 feet in some places.

Each building and even some of the abandoned cars were marked with spray-painted codes indicating dates, water levels, number of people found, number and types of animals found, and other codes identifiable only to those trained to know their meanings. Some houses had the doors and windows open, some shut. You could look into these places and it seemed as if life had just ceased in an instant. There was food on the tables. There were household belongings and cherished treasures left behind. In fact you could find almost everything in place as it had been just before the hurricane hit and the flooding took over. Sure there was also wind damage in a lot of places - but what was more apparent was the flood damage. And what you couldn't find in these neighborhoods - was any sign of life. There were no people. No pets. No birds in the trees. No sounds of birds. Nothing living. Just stillness, destruction and salty dust covering everything.

As we drove through, I thought about how much effort would be required to haul away all of the thousands and thousands of cars, and refrigerators, and washers and dryers, and appliances and garbage, and and .... so much trash. I had heard that some neighborhoods would be dozed - completely razed and reduced to flat ground. I had already seen mountains of debris piled up two or three stories tall. And the clean-up has only barely begun!

Then I started to grasp the idea that even if every home, building, garage, storage shed and dog house were to be rebuilt exactly as it had been before the storm - the area would still never, ever be the same. Why? Because of the salt water which had soaked the ground in the flooded areas. In place of green grass, shrubberies, and majestic palms, oaks, pecans, crepe myrtles and many other types of flora - were rust colored husks, dead from the root to the crown. Many of the taller trees were falling over. Some easily a hundred years old or older. When I finally began to comprehend how deeply the destruction had sunk into the fiber of New Orleans - I began to understand why some former residents had vowed never to return. Perhaps they already understood - their home, their beloved crescent city, would never be the same again.

So I pray. I pray for the people who are yet displaced with little resources and little hope. I pray for the people who are able to return home - realizing that home is forever changed. I pray for the hopeless and for those who are clinging to hope. I pray that hope will grow and continue to grow and flourish into a dream come true. I believe, that like the Phoenix, New Orleans will rise from the ashes and become a living, vibrant creature yet again. I also know that other storms will come - and this jewel of a city in the gulf must be rebuilt better and stronger than it has ever been in the past. Only then can we rest.

I pray for that city and for the freedom and spirit that city represents to me now. God bless us all - and please continue to pray and to help when and where and however you can.

And finally - Mrs. Rosa Parks, sweet light of truth - may your courageous spirit rest in peace.

Peace to all...
- bbw

10/17/2005 - CATCHING UP...

2005-10-17T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here typing - rather bummed because I had already typed everything I wanted to say and just before posting it, I lost it all! Don't you hate when that happens???!!! I know I do!

Well I'm not in the mood to type it all over again - so I'll do the cheap, watered-down, summary version of my weekend...

I took a road-trip with my bf this weekend to visit with his children, brother and mom as well as some other friends and extended or ex (wife) family members. Overall - meeting everyone was nice. The kids are super - and being with them made me miss my own children a lot. Even though my bf and I had some great quality time together - I missed my wife too. We had agreed to "touch base" each day and that helped us as we both move forward into lives of independence.

I got a chance to visit the place where my bf grew up. We talked a lot about things that had happened there - people he knew, family events etc. I now have a physical location to match up with the stories he tells me about his childhood.

It was a long weekend, packed full of activity and it is good to be home again but I wouldn't trade the trip for anything. It was a wonderful adventure - and I look forward to many many more in my life.

So, even though sometimes I talk about simplifying my life - I guess I'll have to work on that... tomorrow...

Until then....

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/28/2005 - DISTANCES...

2005-09-28T14:57:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years, I've become more keenly aware of how people distance themselves from one another, and some of the reasons they do this. It's not a new phenomenon or anything - but it had never occurred to me in the past. I never had cause to really consider it - or maybe I was just not as aware before.

But lately, it has become something of a bigger matter in my life. I look at my relationships with my wife and with my children. I look at my relationships with friends and associates. In doing so, I find myself awed, surprised, bewildered and confused by the many different ways that we humans turn and maneuver our relationships, particularly when one or more involved parties are going through life's changes. In many ways, it resembles a ballet - or rather, some less disciplined and less controlled form of dance.

This has been very evident for me in my relationships with my "former" best friends, my pastor and his wife - and has also been very evident in others from my church. I say "former" not because there has been any verbal or written declaration of moving away from me and out of my life. In fact - there has been some direct and indirect correspondence suggesting that they want to continue with a loving and supporting relationship. Yet, for some reason only they know, they have declined to put any action behind it. I suppose it is a matter of waiting for me to make the first move. The message has reached me in this way: "We have support over here for you - if you want to come and get it!" - and though I have tried, I cannot understand that position. I can respect it but I cannot accept it. Maybe in the future that will change.

My wife and I have purposely been putting distance between us. Not because our love for each other is diminishing, in fact it is growing! We are applying measures of distance to help each other ease into a marital separation. We want to support each other, and challenge each other to grow as individuals. We both realize that would be very difficult, or near impossible, if we were to cling to our state of couple-hood and not allow for "room" or "distance" between us. We've also realized that it is now even MORE important to come back together and re-connect at times - just to gain stability and check on each other's progress. This has been hard for both of us - but overall - we are seeing more and more rewards in terms of building up individual strength, self-confidence and building new relationships with others.

Some of the challenges that my wife and I face include the fact that we don't move at the same pace. One of us may be experiencing growth that is readily apparent, while the other is still trying to build up enough courage to take an initial step. We have dealt with this and discussed it through tears of frustration and hugs of continued encouragement.

So I feel very good about the distance that we are allowing, and even insisting on between the two of us. We have found new ways to navigate around differences of opinion and perception as a result of discovering our "individual" selves. We no longer feel so much pressure to reach the same point of view, or the same perspective. We've learned so much about respecting the differences between us. I think that will only allow for our friendship to continue to grow, strengthen and flourish!

As for my friends from church, I'm not as encouraged. I'm not sure what to make of their silence. The silence seems to be directed at me - because I know they are talking. They are talking amongst themselves - asking each other about me and how I'm doing. They are asking each other how my children are handling it, or how my wife is handling it. Yet, not one of them has picked up a phone, or a pen, or a keyboard to directly ask me how I'm doing.

I don't usually worry about things like that - and truthfully, I'm not worried at all now - but I do wonder. I wonder because I've seen these people in action when they percieve a need in their community. I've never known them to sit back and wait and let someone, who is supposedly dear to them, come to them when there is a need. Perhaps they don't think I have a need, and for the most part, I would have to say that is true. Perhaps, and most likey I'm guessing, they don't know how to approach me. They don't know what to say. I can understand that - and I can respect that. What I have a harder time respecting is the talking about me...

In any case, I feel more alive today than I have in years. I feel that I have gone through some terribly dark times. I know there will be more ahead - but I hope that the worst ones are behind me. Even if that is not true - I am better prepared and I know I can get through them. Regardless of what others talk about, regardless of how many times they might say they want to support me and love me, yet take no action to do either, and regardless of what anyone might think about my life, my path, my choices or my beliefs - I know that I will survive. I will continue to learn about myself. I will continue to love my wife, my children, my partner and the friends who choose to be with me without requiring anything of me in return. I will do all this because I have what I need. I have my faith in the future and in God. I have my faith in myself and my inner strength. I have my faith in those I call "loved-ones" as they stick by me and encourage me by being in my life and loving me just because they do. Praise be to God - I have EVERYTHING I need!

Genuinely love one another and show each other that love every day!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/26/2005 - THE CALM AFTER THE STORM...

2005-09-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure about any of you, but I don't think this nation can take another hurricane right now! Yes, Katrina was horrible and caused a great deal of tragedy. Rita was shaping up to be an even bigger mess, but miraculously turned out to be less costly in terms of damage and loss of life - but for those directly affected - it was tragic enough. I have a great appreciation for storms and the damage they can do to property and to our emotional sense of security. Personally, I'm one of those "nutz" who like storms! I love heavy winds and extreme weather conditions. I do protect and have concern for the safety of my family and I take precautions for my own safety, but I have to admit there is a part of me that makes me more likely to run into a storm rather than away from it. I think I would make a good tornado chaser if I didn't have a family to care and provide for. Afterall, I recognize a storm for what it is; violent and unpredictable. That is a storms nature. You would be silly to expect something different.

So, although my heart goes out to those who lost property and loved ones (including so many pets) to the recent storms in the gulf region of the United States, I am appalled at the stories I've heard coming from those who tried to evacuate the Galveston and Houston areas of Texas. I'm also disappointed in the behavior of some of the citizens right here in the Dallas Metroplex.

Thursday night, as people were trying to get out of the southeast Texas regions and head north to avoid REAL danger, some of the people in Plano and other Dallas suburbs were acting as if they had lost their minds! Gas stations were drained of fuel. Store shelves were stripped of merchandise like bottled water, flashlights and other "necessities". I suppose I could accept this if it weren't for the way I saw and heard people treating each other. I personally saw people deliberately cut off other motorists to prevent them from getting to the gas pumps first. I saw people hordeing groceries as if they were stocking up for a three-year stint in a bomb shelter. I saw a lot of pushing, shoving and jockying for "first dibs" on things!

I also kept checking with friends who had either evacuated Houston or were in the process of trying to get out. They told me horror stories of gridlock on I-45 heading north. If someone's car ran out of gas, or stalled for whatever reason, the other motorists honked, screamed, yelled and then eventually got out of their vehicles, not to help the stranded motorists, but to move their vehicles off of the freeway! I'm sure there are other stories of people who did good deeds - and I would have liked to hear or read about them - but none of those stories have made it my way.

I like to think that difficult times help to galvanize civilized people, but that was not the case with Hurricane Rita. Fear got the better of many folks. So, while it is not my place to judge anyone or to disparage them or their motives, I must say I was saddened and disappointed with what I saw and heard about. Perhaps many of us learned a little bit more about oursleves in the process - and if there is a "next time", we can better steel ourselves to act out of love and compassion rather than fear and self-preservation.

In the end, at least in the Dallas metroplex - Rita will be remembered as the "storm that never was". We got a bit of wind and even less than a bit of precipitation. Nothing to justify the panic behavior of our "good" citizens. Perhaps in the future, when we are faced again with uncertainty and trepidaton - we can hold each other's hand, help out those in need, and make sure that everyone is cared for in the same way we want to care for ourselves and our loved ones. We are all neighbors, and in a way, all family.

Love and peace to you all!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/16/2005 - PROUD BEGINNINGS...

2005-09-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

Gosh! It's been a week since I wrote anything here. I knew I was busy - but I guess I was busier than I thought! If anyone is even reading this, my apologies for the delay. :)

This weekend is "Pride" weekend in the Dallas gay community. There will be people in from out of town and a parade on Sunday. Supposedly it is a big deal. I've never attended any of the events before so it will all be new to me. Hopefully the weather will be nice for the parade. I think my allergies and sinus issues have decided to turn into a head-cold, so I have that to deal with too.

This has also been a week full of different, yet meaningful and deep conversations. Some with my wife, some with my kids and still some others with friends and acquaintances. Sometimes deeply felt, emotional conversations can take a huge toll on my emotional resources. I guess that is why I'm feeling somewhat depleted today. Of course - it could also be the head-cold! Perhaps I should take off early and get some bed-rest today. I'll have to consider that. I do have quite a bit of work to get done so I don't think that will happen.

I also spoke this week with some more people who had been displaced by hurricane Katrina, and were now living off the kindness of friends in Houston. I asked them if they knew some of my friends from New Orleans and one of the guys did - but had not been in touch with them since before the storm. He said a lot of people still had no phone or computer access. In fact - many computers got ruined in the flood waters. So I'm still looking for confirmation that the people I know from that area are alright.

I will continue to think of, and pray for them, and all other affected by the storm and ensuing destruction.

Please remember to keep each other close, safe and warm. Everyone needs someone to love them.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/09/2005 - WORDS IN ACTION...

2005-09-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

Friday! Woo Hoo!!! It's been a relatively quiet day although it has also been productive. It's almost 2pm now and I haven't taken a break or a lunch. I've been finalizing process diagrams, answering meeting requests, sending out template requests, filing reimbursement claims, and retyping my cell phone address book because I have to switch to a new phone and guess what? That's correct! No SIM card! I still have so much to do so I will make this brief today.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Actions Speak Louder Than Words"? I'm sure you have - and you may have taken that for granted as well. I think for the most part I have taken it for granted - like a basic truth or something. But recently I've begun to wonder if it is ALWAYS the case. If the actions are there - but no words to accompany them - is that enough? I would suggest that the answer could be "sometimes" or "it depends".

But - on what does it depend?

Well for me, I guess it could depend on my emotional state of being. Let's take for example the word "I love you". Have you ever been with someone who you KNOW loves you because they are always so loving toward you - but they never SAY it? Has that been a problem for you? I was in college the first time I heard one of my parents say "I love you". I was floored. Those words had such power because I had never heard them before from my parents. I do know that I find it very important to tell my kids, my wife and my friends that I love them - even if I feel they should know it already from my actions. For me, those words need to be heard, and need to be said - regardless of how loving the actions are.

In contrast - if someone uses the words all the time - but their actions indicate something else, then the power of those words can be diluted or even altered so that the hearer no longer equates them with something "good" or positive.

Recently I experienced a situation with a loved one who was having a hard time dealing with some emotional issues. I reached out to this person with words of love, and encouragement, but I didn't have a lot of time to be with them and "do" things for them. This person ended up feeling neglected because they wanted to be "shown" love and support. One week later - the same person was again dealing with some emotional burdens - and in this case I had the time to be present, and in a physical sense - by hugging and holding, show them that I love and support them. I just listened and really couldn't think of anything "insightful" to share - so I just silently held, hugged and provided a shoulder to cry on. After some time went by my friend made it clear that they really wanted to hear words of encouragement - and that the "showing" of love just wasn't enough. I was a bit blown away and even a bit miffed - feeling like I was doing what I could - and what I thought was the right thing - and yet it seemed I couldn't get it "right"! Had I provided both words and actions - perhaps that would have turned out better. In any case - it gave me something to think about.

When dealing with people we love - we really need to try and assess their emotional "temperature" and in time, learn to read that and respond in ways that are beneficial to that person - while still staying true to our own nature. This reminds me of a book I read some years ago called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book helps us learn to meet our friend/partner/lover on their terms when it comes to loving. In other words - we learn to love them the way they need to be loved - not the way we THINK they want to be loved. It is very insightful and eye-opening!

Well - enough for now. I hope that we can all learn to reach out to each other in love - sharing our world, our lives and our passions with each other in a positive and uplifting way!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

09/05/2005 - CH CH CH CHANGES...

2005-09-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

In just over a week - the face of the North American Gulf Coast region has changed - forever. Not that change is necessarily bad - but in this case - it was devastating to so many. And 8 days later - the devastation continues. So many people are homeless. So many areas are destroyed, both physically and economically. There is lawlessness in the land and very little that most of us can do about it.

And the changes continue to roll in...

Read the paper and watch the news. See and hear the personal stories of heartache, courage, despair and heroism that issue forth from those in the midst of the turmoil in New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulfport and their surrounding areas. Pan across the United States - particularly the neighboring states - as storm refugees are helped, and sometimes forced, to relocate to "unknown lands". I met some of these people in person this weekend. People who have nothing to return home for, because there is no home. People who have lost everything except the clothes on their backs. They now have to rely on the charity of others. I sometimes wonder if we have that much charity to give. In my heart I want to believe we do - but just like the rumblings of the West Germans when "The Wall" came down in Berlin... I'm hearing murmers of discontent at having to accomodate the refugees.

Change has come to Dallas, Texas, and to Houston, Baton Rouge and many other cities, as a result of Hurricane Katrina. And as a general rule - people don't like change.

I've wondered over the weekend about how Dallas Mayor, Laura Miller must be feeling right now. In the past she has proposed changes to the law that include making it a criminal offense to remove a shopping cart from the private property of the grocery store or other retail operation. She has presented for consideration, the idea of making charity a crime - if that charity takes the form of giving money to the homeless. You see - Ms. Miller wants to clean up Dallas streets - and get rid of street people. And now look what we've gone and done - we've opened up our arms, our hearts, our wallets, our hotels and yes- our cities - to busload after busload of homeless people. How many will remain homeless - I don't know. I will pray that each and every one of these souls find a place to call home. In the meantime - I pray that we all learn to deal with the changes in a positive and uplifting manner.

There are also other changes in the wind...

More on those once the wind settles down...

Until then...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/30/2005 - BUSY BEE...

2005-08-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

Tuesdays right now are very busy days for me. I attend all day work-sessions that usually last until 6:00pm or later. I thought about blowing off the blog today but it is only 5:00pm and I thought I'd take just a moment to check in.

Well - as was feared, Hurricane Katrina caused a lot of damage and took several lives - I haven't even seen a stable estimate yet of the number of deaths related to the storm. But whether the number is 1 or 100 - we should take a moment to think about and pray for the friends and loved ones who now have to figure out how to adjust to a life without them. Pray also for peace and comfort for all that have lost property and the necessities like electricity and clean water that we enjoy and so often take for granted.

...
...
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I heard from my friend James today. It was excellent timing because I was beginning to wonder and almost worry about him. He was nowhere near the gulf coast (to my knowledge) but since returning from China I had only heard from him twice. This is unusual for James. I thought on my drive in from work this morning that I might have to call his mother to see if she had heard from him! But when he called, I found out today that he is still in San Francisco getting over a bronchial infection of sorts. His plans are to return to Alaska in the next day or two and then off to explore colleges! I'm so proud of him!

I have a planned "family night" tonight with my wife and kids so I'm gonna make this real short and head home. I got my inbox cleared for the day and feel pretty caught up on things at the office.

I hope everyone's week is off to a good start and then just keeps getting better!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/29/2005 - COUNTING BLESSINGS...

2005-08-29T13:42:00.000-05:00

Good morning bloggers... It is Monday and almost the end of August. Hurricane Katrina just hit New Orleans and is Headed to Mobile and points East. Even though it has been downgraded from a Category 5 down to around a 3 - it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of many states, cities, towns and individual lives.

Yesterday I spoke with friends who had plans to go to NOLA next week. They were anxiously watching the news and weather reports as things were shaping up to be pretty disastrous to the gulf regions in the path of the storm. Of course the media tends to make things as dramatic as possible - but you still have to wonder how close to reality they are at times. Times like these. I felt bad for my friends who seemed almost certain to have a change in plans - and the trip was a birthday present too. Yesterday, I felt bad. Today - I feel a bit different.

Today I feel lucky to not live in New Orleans or the countless other places not mentioned in the news, but which are nonetheless destined for change due to the terrible impact of Katrina. Today I feel glad that my friends are here in Dallas rather than already in Louisiana having to worry about their own safety. Today I feel my heart sink as I think about those poor people huddled in the Superdome, with rain leaking and pouring into the dimly lit, un-airconditioned space. Just the thought is sickening. How much worse is it to actually be there - crowded in among the cities poor, feeble and homeless. I'm sure there are no words to describe what it is like to bear the heat, the smell and the sounds of scared, weary but restless crowd. Today I feel lucky and thankful that I am safe and that my loved-ones and friends are safe too.

I have some friends in New Orleans too. Friends with whom I have not been able to get in touch yet. Today I think of them. I wonder if they are ok. I pray that they are and feel in my heart that they will make it through intact. Still I wonder, and I pray.

For me - today is set aside for praying and being thankful.

Please join me - and pray...

Blessings,
- bbw

08/26/2005 - HOT TEXAS DAYS...

2005-08-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, It's been rather hot here in Texas lately. But I'm not complaining (not much anyway) because I can usually be found in the A/C. Amazing thing, air conditioning... I have often said that I could not live without it - and yet I know that for eons, people did live without it. I suppose I really mean I don't want to live without it - EVER! And not just the cool air - but also the warm air in winter. To those of you who have only heard of Texas but never been here - it DOES get cold. Not that we have spectacular winters or anything like that. We usually have the occasional ice storm, freezing rain and ever-so-rarely, something that resembles snow but is coarser and never lasts long. We also get a lot of wind. Combine freezing temperatures with wind and some sleet thrown in for fun and you can see why we might want to have a heated home, office, and car! But for today - I'm thankful for electrically cooled air! It really is best for me. Ask my wife! Often she has told others "you do NOT want him to get hot!" and she means it. There is something about an elevated body temperature that makes me a bit surly. Even just hot air hitting my face is enough to make me scowl and bitch a little (under my breath). I am not proud of the fact - but I do acknoweldge it.

Today, I'm cool. Not that I'm walking around like the Fonz in my leather jacket or anything - but my body temperature is comfortable and I'm in a good mood to boot! I guess my team-mates here in the office should consider themselves lucky huh? C'mon! I'm not THAT bad!

I am looking forward to this weekend. Not because of any specific plans but because it has been a rather hectic and draining week. Work has really picked up for me and shows no sign of slowing down. This is all good as I have not really been "challenged" at work for some time now. I'm moving into a new position with new responsibilities, new team members and new management. Good thing I'm not devastated by change - it could be overwhelming!

I've also been emotionally taxed this week as I consider what is going on in my personal life and how everyone is affected by decisions I and they make. It's a bit scary when you start really examining things you've done and decisions you have made. For examply, decisions I've made, thinking they are what is "best" for everyone - may truly not be what is best. They may just be what is easiest. Working through those kinds of issues is important, but should be handled slowly, deliberately and with great caution. I try to lean away from making assumptions and get down to basic facts. However, in terms of emotional issues - facts can be completely useless. So there - that is just a "taste" of where my mind and heart has been this week. I don't have any great secrets or revelations to announce - so for now- it is business as usual. I continue my journey one step at a time - and I still consider myself lucky that I don't have to travel alone.

Spiritually, I've also been mulling over my future direction. I love my church and the direction it is taking - but lately I've felt less and less inclined to go. I've been examining these feelings and I think that maybe I should consider "moving on" and taking what I know to be true for me spiritually - with me to another place. The people at my current church are wonderful and very loving and supportive. Several (if not all) now know about my relationship situation and have either offered their continued love and support or have said nothing at all. Still, I have felt a pull to examine other places of worship. I will need to continue examining my feelings, and along with my family and loved ones - decide what is best for the future.

So - you can see I have a LOT going on. But life is good - even when it doesn't feel peachy - it is fertile and offers MUCH room for growth! Praise God!

Please remember to listen to each other... try to understand each other... reach out to each other... forgive each other and above all - love each other!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/24/2005 - CATCHUP...

2005-08-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

Wednesday is sometimes referred to as "Hump" day. For some this means that they've made it to the middle of the week - and everything that comes after is downhill - and coasting into the weekend! For others - "hump" day is taken as a verb... and can actually fall on any day of the week! I'll let you decide which point-of-view best fits you. :)

It is Wednesday and I realized that I haven't made a journal entry since last Thursday - almost a week. I would like to develop better discipline than that - and try to get here every day, but things are WAY too busy for that right now.

The weekend was good - and started early for me. I took Friday as a vacation day and went with friends to a local water park. The weather was great and there were no lines because all the kids were back in school!!! WOO HOO! My friends have made this an annual event but this was the first year I joined them. I think it is a great idea and will try to fit it onto my calendar next year as well.

I've been a bit overwhelmed by things lately, with my son starting back to school last week and my daughter starting college next week. I'm also still juggling family time, bf time and me time and finding there sometimes just isn't that much time! Work has really picked up so I'm working some longer hours and kicking off some new projects. This is a good thing but also completes for time!

I guess, having said that - I recognize that I've sort of un-plugged myself from some of my normal daily activities in the past week. I haven't been online much at all. I've made it to the gym but not as much as I wanted. I haven't been out to a club lately and really haven't missed it. I think I just need some time to breathe, to regenerate and to realign things in my life. I'm taking care of "chores" and trying to prioritize the things I "want" to do. Again - I notice that all of this has to fit into that thing called "time".

So now I will keep this blog short and just wish all of you a wonderful "Hump" day! I hope the remainder of your week goes well and that you make it a priority this week to catch up, center yourself, regenerate or reinvigorate your spirit and make the most of your time.

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/16/2005 - JUDGE YE NOT LEST...

2005-08-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

Anyone hear about the nomination of Judge John G. Roberts Jr. to the Supreme Court? Anyone know much about this man? I will have to admit that I do not. I've not been following the stories about the nominees proposed to fill the Supreme Court spot vacated with the retirment of Judge Sandra Day O'Connor.

My commentary today will do nothing to enlighten you on the nature or character of Mr. Roberts - nor will it do anything to explain the process one must go through to get confirmed to sit on the Supreme Court. What really brought this whole subject up was a brief glance through the Dallas Voice over lunch yesterday.

A survey question was posed to several people and their answers provided. I do not want to assume that the interviewees are themselves gay - but because the article appears in a gay-oriented newspaper, I will assert that they become representatives of the gay community - regardless of their orientation. Why is this important? Because of the question posed and the answers some of them gave.

The question went something like this: Since Judge John Roberts has a history of helping out the gay community (cited some past case) do you trust or feel good about his nomination to the Supreme Court? This seems like an intelligent question. And some of the respondees gave what I consider intelligent responses - but there were some answers that just didn't sit well with me.

At least two of the responses posted in the paper had nothing to do with the character, legal record, or even personal feelings about Judge Roberts - instead, they centered on feelings about the man who nominated him - namely President Bush. In essence - they said they did not trust John Roberts Jr. because he was nominated by President Bush. As I read this, it was very apparent that these people, and others like them were ready to judge a book by the cover of a completely different book. And I thought to myself... why?

I have to admit that perhaps I'm a bit more bothered about this than I should be - only because I've experienced the same kind of judgment and discrimination at the hands of the "gay community". Not from everyone mind you - but enough to present a pattern. I've been chastised for not voting the Democratic Party Line and even been called "Republican" out in public, even though I've never in my life been a member of the Republican party. So I ask - is there room in the gay community for independent thinkers? How about independent political views or independent spiritual direction and religious inclinations? Is there a group of gay people that NEED everyone to pick a side? Do things have to be black or white in order for them to comprehend where everyone stands? If the answer is yes - do they not see the hypocrisy of that?

I've heard it said that the gay community (again - I don't really like to lump everyone together but I'm just illustrating what I've heard...) is the most judgmental and discriminating of others and of themselves - yet they constantly complain about others judging them. Having said that - and assuming there is some grain of truth in it - again it begs the question - "Why?" followed by "What do we want to do about it?" or "How can we change that?"

If you know anything about me - you will know that I don't care much for labeling myself or labeling others. That is very difficult to do (even for me at times) in our society that relies on such labels to figure out HOW to think about others. The labels help us to indentify how we are united or separated from others. Is that why some gays have become so label-conscious and so resistant to any label that implies ambiguity (bisexual for instance). It's as if there is some deep-seated need to pick a position and to have everyone else pick a position, a VERY clear position, and stay there. There also seems to be a lot of finger pointing at all those who have not picked a Black or White label - and that is followed with accusations of "hiding" and "denial" or out-and-out deceit!

Do I have the answers? No. But perhaps the first step to finding an answer is to understand the questions. And those may be different questions for each of us. We should look at who we are as individuals and as a community of mankind and ask ourselves how we judge others. We need to recognize what we have inside of us that makes us "require" a label for everything and everyone else in our world. Once we see our own limitations and the limitations we set on our own hearts, minds, and our very lives - then we can begin to examine them, expose them and grow beyond them. I think that only then will we find true freedom to be ourselves and to celebrate the true nature of others. I'll have to think about it - and I invite you to do the same. Try to find the walls you have created in yourself that keep you separated from those who may hold different lifestyles, different points of view, different political and/or religious values - and try find in them the true nature of humanity that is shared by us all. Then learn to open up to that humanity with a loving response rather than a judgment. It's a challege - and you are invited to try...

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/12/2005 - WHAT COULD BE WRONG?

2005-08-12T12:39:00.000-05:00

Actually... the answer is "nothing"! It's Friday and that's a good thing. Not only because it marks the end of the work week - but because it also launches a good portion of us into that sometimes hectic, sometimes harried, always welcomed phase of life known as "the weekend"! Please don't get me wrong - I think each day is special and that good things can and do come along at any time - but there is something just a little "special" about knowing that you can walk away from the office this afternoon and put all the bizness stuff behind you for two days! [side note: for those of you who have to work on Saturday and/or Sunday - ignore this blog - I'm NOT trying to rub it in!]

I don't think I'm going to write a whole lot in here today - mostly because I don't want to spend my entire lunch hour here - but also because I'm trying to ease into weekend mode a little early! Where, when it comes to work - less is more!

I'm going to be doing some networking tonight to try and drum up some business for my photography and also for my bf's interior design business. My wife has a happy-hour planned with some friends from her office. She's excited but a little hesitant too. We usually do social things together. I'm sure she will be just fine and have a really good time.

Last weekend I went to a pool party and it was great. I would like to find another one this weekend - mainly because I've had so little time to swim this year and I love the water. I'm not going to put a lot of effort into it tho - there are so MANY things I could be doing.

Well - I'm off to grab a bite to eat and start working my way out of these shoes and into some flip-flops!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/11/2005 - WYSIWYG...

2005-08-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Remember this buzzword: WYSIWYG? (pronounced wizzeewig) which stood for What You See Is What You Get...

For some reason today that kinda sums up me feelings. I'm not sure if it is because of the overcast weather, or the humid, muggy feeling in the air outside, or simply the fact that this has been a blah week at work, but I'm worn out.

Yesterday, my 21st anniversary, was actually a good day. Perhaps I'm coming down from that and by comparison this day is just phooey... actually - as I typed that last line, it struck me! I know exactly why I'm a bit bummed... it is my work anniversary today! I've been here for 7 LONG years.

Now isn't that sad? I should be happy to have a job. I should be pleased that I was not laid-off during the countless staff reductions I've survived over the past 7 years. I should be happy that my wage is on-par with others in my field of work. I should be glad that I enjoy working with my team-members. There is so much I should be happy about and grateful for... but for some reason - all of that is buried beneath a cloud of blah today. Instead of counting my blessings today - I've been contemplating the reason I come to this job at all. Yes, I need to get paid. And yes, I need to be productive. But sitting in an all-day workshop on Tuesday - I looked around the room of "professionals" and wondered to myself - why are we all here? What are we trying to accomplish and what difference will it make in the world? What difference will it make in people's lives? Sure, we are trying to improve the nature of the way we run our corporation - and thus make the company more profitable - but who will that really impact? The shareholders. The executives. Some of the project managers. And after reviewing that list I wonder to myself how really important all that is. I don't have a good, solid answer - but the answer deep down inside feels like "not very".

I know this is part of my inner reflection to find my true self and my true calling. I don't feel that I'm called to work in this corporation for the next 7 years. I don't feel called to work for any corporation for the rest of my working career. I do feel called to be creative - to be helpful to others - to follow my passion and to inspire passion in others. So how do I get there? Well - my photography business is one way - but will it really take off? Will it really inspire me and others? I don't know, and today, I don't have the energy to search too deeply for an answer.

So, for today - WYSIWYG!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/10/2005 - MILESTONES...

2005-08-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

You have probably figured out by now that I did not ever get to the "Late Edition" on Monday - but that's ok - I just didn't have the energy for another loooong topic... So I just blew it off!

Today is a special day for me. It is my 21st wedding anniversary - and that in itself is quite an accomplishment - but under the circumstances that exist in my life - it seems even more extraordinary. It certainly causes me to pause, and to reflect on where I am today in my marital relationship as well as other relationships.

I have so many truly special people in my life, and though each one is different, they are all just as deeply special. My children are special for many obvious reasons, and for other reasons that may not be quite so apparent. They are both loving, caring and accepting people. My daughter is more of an adult now than a child - yet I still see and experience the child in her. It is that child that more quickly brings laughter to her face and mine. I worry a bit that she may grow up to be too serious of an adult. I hope that she finds a way to balance maturity, responsibilty and child-like fun and enthusiasm into her life and lifestyle. My son is growing into a man - but always with trepidation. It's not that he doesn't want to grow up - because he does. He just doesn't want to rush it. His sense of "time" in the world is uncanny. At his age I lived like time was endless, invisible and abundant. My son senses the impermanence of things, and of life - and for that reason I think he has a much richer experience of what it means to be alive. I have much to learn from him.

I have friends in my life too. Some are distant and I haven't seen them in some time. Some I have never met in person - only through the internet - yet a friendship has formed that allows us to talk about things so deeply personal and allows us to reach out to each other in need. Friends like that are not many in number - but having even 3 or 4 is a lot! I have some friends who live locally. Some of them have known me before I went through the changes associated with my self-discovery. One married couple whom I consider real, true friends, seem to struggle with knowing how to deal with me now. I've seen them a number of times since coming out - and for the most part - things seem the same. But there is an underlying current of awkwardness that I'm not sure I can do anything about. It's as if they are waiting for me to make the first move, or every move when it comes to spending time together. And I guess I'm waiting for them to approach me - so that I can be sure I don't cause them to feel awkward. I'm sure in time all will work itself out.

I have a boyfriend who I am continuously getting to know better. And, he is getting to know more about me. I'm guessing that sometimes we may not like what we learn - but we appreciate learning even that. He is a man, just like all men, with a past. His past and his present contain all the ingredients of life - including pain and personal challenges. In dealing with him through issues related to such pain and challenge - I'm able to get closer and love him more deeply - more completely. And in doing that I have learned more about myself and about my other relationships. At my age - I'm learning more and more about my own limitations and my own challenges in relationships. I know now that it is a challenge to be my friend, and even more of a challenge to be my lover. For years I did not "get" this. I wasn't in a place where I could really "hear" it. I had so much of myself "locked away" from me. I just didn't have access. And while I could be really sad about that, and pine and complain about the time I have wasted for myself and for those who love me - I won't. I accept that I still have a lot of learning to do - a lot of self yet to be discovered, and I forgive myself for not being better sooner. But knowing these things about myself helps me to appreciate those around me even more. Particularly those closest to me. I know now that those who choose to walk with me for more than a day - are people who have consciously chosen not to take the easy road. I'm blessed by their choices. I need to remember to always let them know I am thankful.

Then there is my wife... there isn't enough time or space or even enough words to write everything my heart and soul feel for her. Today we celebrate 21 years of marriage and nearly 24 years of being together. Wow - almost a quarter century - yet that does not make me feel old. Instead, I feel lucky. I have no regrets about our marriage, our life together and our creation and raising of a family. Should I have done some things differently? Sure, and I would if I could. I would have been kinder with my words when I got edgy. I would have been much more of a listener and less of an authority. I would have been less arrogant and less pushy with my opinions and more open minded to the qualities of meekness and humbleness. I would have been more confident in myself and therefore less stressed by the pressures of life. I would have taught my children to settle conflict with love and understanding rather than with loud voices and venom. But hey... even though I can't go back and undo the things I want to correct - I have the opportunity to correct them now. And that is what I am trying to do each day now.

My wife and I are closer friends now than we have been in a long time, possibly ever. It feels good and right for it to be that way - now that we need each other more than ever. I'm learning to let myself "need" others now and that helps her too.

So today is a good day - a good anniversary and a good milestone in my life. I feel blessed by my current relationships and I know that I am a truly lucky man. When days are dark and my past pains creep in on me - I have people to whom I can turn. I pray to God for the strength to make that turn and to let them in.

To all of you - my gratitude and my love!

Woof ya later!
- bbw

08/08/2005 - [Early Edition] SISSIES INDEED!

2005-08-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's Monday, and it is still morning. I've been hard at work getting caught up on business mail, creating new systems diagrams and scheduling meetings to review those diagrams with others. Yet I still have a lot on my mind. On the morning drive - I had two specific and distinct thoughts that I wanted to explore. I'm not sure I will have time to do them both justice today - but just in case I do - I'll mark my first entry as the "early" edition.

Here we go... thought number one...

Well, it's not actually a thought, but a review of a play I went to see yesterday. The title of the play is Southern Baptist Sissies, written by Del Shores and directed by Bruce Coleman. The play is running through August 21, so if you are interested in seeing it - check out more information at http://www.uptownplayers.org/.

I had not had any exposure to reviews or information about the play except that I was told it was written by the same guy who wrote "Sordid Lives". So given the comedic nature of that work and the seemingly humorous title - I thought I was going to see a comedy. I love comedies. I like to laugh - and will generally choose that over something that makes me think too much or feel too deeply. So there's a glimpse at the coward in me.

So I went. I bought tickets for myself, my wife, my boyfriend and three other friends of ours. We also met some friends who had tickets for the same date and time. The theater is part of the Trinity River Arts Center at off of Stemmons Freeway and Motor street in Dallas. I'm not sure how many people can be seated in the theater, but I'm guessing it was not more than 250 people. The theater stage is small and intimate; a perfect setting for the play I was about to see.

I don't really want to give anything away in my review, because nothing I write here could provide the reader with a sense of having experienced something profound and important. I want you to go see this play for yourself! I don't want to spoil it for you.

The play deals with so many themes that if listed, would certainly overwhelm the best of orderly minds. But that is the way of life. We don't experience life as a list of strung-together events. We experience life in layers. Layers upon layers upon layers. That is how I felt sitting there watching this play. It felt so... so REAL!

There is plenty of very good dialog and some great one-liners that I know will be repeated over and over by some of us. There were some laughs (there's my comedy!) and there were some tears. Actually, for me, there were lots of tears. Some for the personal pain of living in a judging world, but more for the pain experienced by those who are dear to me, and who actually "lived" the story unfolded on that stage. My boyfriend sat there sobbing through many parts, sometimes uncontrollably, because some of the pain was just too close to home and so deeply pressed into his soul. Way too much of the play and the dialogue could have been written by him - from personal experience. He was, and in many ways still is, Mark, the main character in the play (played by Carter Hudson). He was raised deeply rooted in one of the strictest religions I know of. He became involved in a same-sex physical relationship early in his teen years with someone who could not handle the consequential guilt and shame. He fell in love with the boy - only to be used and discarded - dismissed as a "phase", a "mistake" and an "abomination". I know life is unfair at times. It is also painful at times. But I think the deepest cuts and resulting scars come from the pain associated with the "L" word - yes... Love.

This play explores all of these themes and more! Love is looked at from many angles; self love, God's love, mothers' love, physical love, false love, love in friendship, love lost, love found and once again - this listing might be endless - and therefore meaningless to pursue an end...

I count myself as lucky. I have love in my life. True love. Those who attended the play with me could see it for themselves as I held the hand of my wife of 22 years on my left side, and held the hand of my boyfriend of 9 months on my right side. We all three felt the piercing message of the play. We felt the twisting despair caused by religious daggers of judgment and we heard the message of hope in words that told us to believe in ourselves and to believe in love - no matter what! And each of us understand the need to reach out to one another and bolster the quivering hearts and spirits until we can all soar again - in peace... in freedom... in love.

Don't take my word for anything here... go see the play for yourself. It can be transforming, and freeing.

If you want to find ways to better understand how bigotry, judgmentalism and fundamentalism are formed and ingrained into the very fabric of mankind - look to the portrayal of the preacher and the mothers, caught up in an unholy, ungrounded, rickety and contradictory theology that is more defeating than liberating.

If you want to find ways to love more deeply - look to the "sissies" where you will find they aren't sissies at all - but real men, as God created man to be. In all their diversity, and variety. Their glory is His glory. Their victory is a victory for us all.

In the words of Mark - "sometimes I close my eyes and imagine a perfect world..." Let's all try to imagine Mark's world - and then open our eyes and make it real!

Peace to you all!

Woof ya later!
- bbw

08/04/2005 - INTENTIONAL LIVING...

2005-08-04T12:48:00.000-05:00

Here it is, Thursday - but it's kinda like a Friday already. At least for me. I'm taking tomorrow off from work - or working from home for a bit maybe - but I also want to try and have a yard sale tomorrow and Saturday to get some of the JUNK out of my house and garage! So while I won't be relaxing - I will be productive!

I was thinking on my way driving in to work this morning (a sentence you will hear or read over and over I'm sure...) mostly because that is the best time for me to just think. It's quiet (for the most part) and there are few distractions (if you don't count idiot drivers!). But I realized this morning that I have spent a good part of the past two or three years turned inwards. I've been caught up in self-discovery, self-healing and yes... self-pity for a good number of months! While I'm not apologizing for it - because I think I've been doing a lot of what I needed to be doing - I still think that things could have been handled differently, or better, for those around me. And in realizing that - I think, hope and pray that I can make some changes that lead me to reach out more to those around me whom I love, cherish and need.

I've always been one to reach out - but more in a "robotic" or "automatic" kind of way. I was programmed to be like that since I was a baby. I was raised a "pleaser" - some of you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Somehow I was programmed to believe that my existence was predominantly geared to be of use, service, amusement and pleasure for others. EVEN THOUGH I would never be "good enough" - I was still expected to do my best to fill those roles. And boy did I buy into it! This is not a totally bad thing, mind you. I enjoy helping others, and doing for others. My mistake was doing that at my own expense, and thus, at the expense of others too. It led me to living an unfulfilled life of constantly giving and living merely off of the praise and thank you's that I received in return. I felt that if I volunteered here, or helped there - then I was fulfilling my purpose in life. Truth is - it was really more about fulfilling someone else's needs - and ignoring my purpose altogether.

So what is my purpose? I had never thought much about that. I thought it was to be a husband, and a father. I honestly thought that if I succeeded at that - my purpose would be fulfilled - but my spirit cried out for more. I will never diminish what it means to me to be a husband or a father. I don't think I will ever accomplish anything in my life that brings me more joy and pride than those two things. But I am of the mindset now that I cannot just define myself by my relationships to other people. I need to know who I am as an individual. Not as a husband. Not as a father. Not even as a lover or a friend or an employee... Who am I as a man? AND - what is it that I want to accomplish in this life as that man? Well - I don't have a lot of answers - but one thing I do know is that I want to live with intention.

I don't want to spend another second just letting time pass me by. I don't want to "get through" the day, or live "for the weekend". I want each day to count for something. I want each second and minute of each day to have a purpose and a direction. Even if that time span is set aside to do nothing more than sitting quietly, and listening or reflecting - to recharge my body, my mind or my soul - I need those things too.

I used to dread when someone asked me "where do you see yourself five years from now?" because my honest response was "I don't know". I had no concept of what life or I would be like then. I had no capacity or reference to be able to look into the future and see what I wanted it to be like. I brushed off such questions as "ridiculous" simply because I could not fathom myself ever really having a plan. I think that had a lot to do with being cut off from a significant amount of my past. All I REALLY had was now. That's what I needed to concentrate on - surviving the now!

Well - I'm hoping those days are behind me. Yes, I know I will "backslide" now and then and fall into some lazy habits. But I'm also listening more to the encouragement of others and to the callings within my own spirit. I am starting to build an image in my mind of my future. Will it look exactly like that when I arrive? I doubt it! But I will be in the vicinity - and if I change my mind and my direction along the way - I'm allowing that to be ok too, because it is done with intention - and with a plan in mind. No longer do I want to be a dandelion umbrella seed blowing in the breeze, taking whatever I get and making "lemonade". I want to create things - photographs, paintings, memories and most importantly - I want to create a life that has meaning, is fulfilling to me and brings joy to others.

My first step is to spend less time "inside" of me and more time reaching out with love, compassion and yes, even my own "needs" and allowing those around me to love me and to participate in this life with me. That is a great challenge for me - but hey, I'm up for a challenge!

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

08/03/2005 - MIDWEEK BLUES?

2005-08-03T16:32:00.000-05:00

I've heard of "blue monday" but what about Tuesday or Wednesday? Is that allowed? Well it doesn't matter - I'm not going to let a bit of "down" feelings spoil my day or my life!

I have had some trouble communicating with folks lately. Not sure what's going on with that - after all - I think I did a pretty decent job with the kids on Sunday. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm still feeling crappy due to allergies. Maybe it is that I don't have a lot of job satisfaction. Or, maybe I'm just feeling some pressure from outside sources, or people... pressure to try and "make" them feel better and me feeling down because I just can't.

In any event - it is now Wednesday AND the workday is almost over. (YES I'm typing this while at work! Now go take your cigarette break!). This has been a busy/hectic week already. Lot's going on at the office. Much more than usual, but I'm going to take that as a "good thing" for now.

Emotionally I'm feeling somewhat distant, disconnected and cold. I'm not particularly angry, hurt or bothered, just somewhat "shut down" on the inside. I'm not excited about anything. Could care less if I go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. I get like that sometimes - and I guess it is OK because I don't give in to the feelings. I have a meeting this evening for married men who are bi/gay/curious. It is a good group and they all have a lot to offer. I would suggest it for anyone who is going through such issues - or for anyone who has already been through it because your experience can really help others!

Well, I think that is all I need to write for today. I know it's not much, and not very deep, profound or thought provoking - but hey... what more do you want on a Wednesday? Perhaps you could contact me and we could go to Monica's tonight for 50-Cent margaritas!!! (or are they 75 cents now?) ANYWAY....

WOOF ya later!
- bbw

07/31/2005 - COMING OUT DAY (part 2)

2005-07-31T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well - it's now 12:25pm and my kids are aware that I'm bi/gay - and they love me anyway. It was kind of awkward to get to the actual "telling" - and once I said it I wasn't sure if they completely understood because I didn't get much of a reaction. So I had to ask them what they were thinking and feeling. I asked my son what he thought about having a bi or gay dad. He said that he didn't think of it like that. He said that I am simply his dad and that he loves me no matter what. He said he didn't think being gay was really an issue when it comes to our relationship.

My daughter responded much the same way, as if it didn't really matter, but I could tell in her eyes that she was feeling pain. She was having a hard time processing all of the ramifications of the news. My wife and I reassured her that whatever she was feeling was ok and if she needed time and/or space or whatever - we would support that.

I asked if they had any questions and they said for now they didn't, but when they did they would ask. They both appreciated that my wife and I were being honest and they assured us that they loved and supported us too.

I asked whether or not they had suspected something like this. My son said he could tell I was changing, but he didn't associate it with being gay or anything - he just loved that I was more happy with myself and that allowed us to bond even more.

My daughter said she had also noticed that I was changing, and seemed to be struggling with issues but she just hoped that everything would work out for the best. She added that if the struggle was between being gay or not gay, she would have hoped for not gay - and I added that I would have wished that too. But it didn't turn out that way.

My wife and I stressed that we did not want to treat this or see it as bad news. I explained that I was not ashamed of myself and I did not see being more free to be myself and express myself was a "bad thing" but instead was a good thing. The kids agreed.

So now that part is done - and I'm sure many other aspects will come up over time and we will deal with them as they arise - but for now the kids are in great moods and want to go out for lunch. My daughter wants to invite her boyfriend to come with us - which I see as a good sign because when she is really bothered - she doesn't want to be around people.

God is good! Life is good, and my family - well they are just the BEST!!!!!

Woof ya later!
- bbw

07/31/2005 - COMING OUT DAY (part 1)

2005-07-31T10:15:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep very well last night. I went out for a bit and then started getting all muscle-achy and actually ran a pretty high fever. This morning all symptoms are gone except for a raspy throat. My sinuses have been draining for a few days due to allergies and my throat is paying the price. When I did finally wake up this morning, I dressed, brushed my teeth and then walked into the bedroom and woke up my wife. I quoted the line from Stewart Little, citing "It's Today! It's Today!" This made us both smile. I then printed off some information from the internet, including the "my journey" portion of my website and three resources with tips on coming out to children. My wife and I sat down and read through all of the information and felt pretty good about things because they were all tips that we had already thought of and discussed. It would seem we are on the right track. I told her that choosing the right words would be the trick! She agreed.

So now I'm sitting here journaling - wanting to capture my own thoughts and feelings before the news is shared with my children. Many people, mostly gay men, have suggested to me that my kids probably already have a clue. One went so far as to offer a wager (jokingly) on it. I can't say for sure - but my thoughts are that they do not know - although they have known for about the past two or three years that "something" is going on with Mom and Dad. We have talked on several occassions about our needs to get out on our own and learn what it is like to be individuals. My wife would like to live in Paris for a year or so and I want to move to Australia for about two years. So the kids know that we have loose plans to at least "separate" for these journeys. Maybe they do suspect more... I'll find out soon enough.

I'm not worried about their love for me. I know my children to be both loving and accepting people. In many ways they are much more mature, loving, trusting and accepting at their ages than I was, or still am at my age. They both make me so proud as I watch them mature into adulthood. I guess I'm more worried about how my coming out as a bi or gay man will affect their images of themselves with each other, our family, with their friends etc. That may be very hard for them to reconcile and I don't feel good about adding any amount of stress to their lives. Stress is one of the main reasons we waited this long to tell them. But I feel in my heart that everything will be fine... will work out for the better and that we will all be happier, closer and more free once we all have a shared understanding of this issue.

Well, I'm off to get a cup of coffee and share the "good news" of honesty, love and freedom with my children. I'm excited and hesitant all at the same time. But I am not afraid, or ashamed or really very worried. I love them and they love me - I don't see that changing.

Wish me luck!
Woof you later!
- bbw

07/29/2005 - I LOVE FRIDAY...

2005-07-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

YES! It's Friday! Not that I have a whole lot planned for the weekend. Last night, after spending some wonderful family time with our kids playing "Battle of the Sexes" (guys won!), my wife and I went out to a gay bar to dance - but we never did. I kept offering (which I RARELY do) and she kept waiting for a better song (which she NEVER does!). But I had my bartender friend, Dade, make her some awesome electric margaritas! My bf joined us later and we had a good time talking and freaking out a friend who had NO CLUE that I was married! Enuff about that!

It's Friday and I think I'm going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight! The rest of my family have seen it and said it was a great movie! Woo Hoo!

Driving in to work today I was having my usual random thought process and began to contemplate the apple with which Adam and Eve are associated. I was thinking about that fruit, and the many times I've heard "good christian people" arguing over whether or not it was REALLY an apple, or a pear, or a pomegranate or what... and I got to thinking how ridiculous the whole thing is and how much energy is wasted on such a discussion. I mean - these people have already swallowed the whole tale about a man and woman formed in a mythical garden - one from dust and the other from a rib (was it REALLY a rib, or a thigh bone, or a tibia?!), and somehow they got "caught up" on what kind of fruit it was that Eve used to sell our souls into sin and degradation! These people could just as easily exhaust their energy asking questions like "Why a rib?... Did God run out of dust?" I mean, come on! Didn't Jesus bring a new covenant? Didn't he tell us that we, for the most part, got it all wrong!? Did Jesus say that it was an apple, or a pineapple, or a peach? NO! He kept his teaching to things that were important! Like the fact that God is love. God is in each of us - so Love is in each of us. We all have the capacity to love, and therefore forgive, in the same manner as God. And when I say "all" I don't mean all "christians" and neither did Jesus. Do you realize that there were no christian's before there was Christ? So what were those people who came before Jesus, and how the hell did they find salvation? WAKE UP! We all need to open our eyes, our minds and our hearts and realize that salvation is up to us - not up to Christ and not up to God. They have both already given us all that we need - unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness and instructions on where to find both AND how to move both out of ourselves and into our world - thus creating the Kingdom of God!

Whew! I wasn't planning all that - but there it is. Please - go out and love each other today and each day going forward.

With MUCH LOVE!
Woof you later!
- bbw

07/28/2005 - WORLD KEEPS CHANGING...

2005-07-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

WOW! I can't believe I've had this weblog for over a year. I started out just to learn about "blogging" and thought it might be a cool thing - but it soon seemed I was just talking to the wall. So I walked away for a while. Since then I've started a website (2 actually!) one for personal expression and the other for business (photography and art gallery!). I've considered putting an online journal of sorts out on my website and then I thought - hey! why not just link to the web log! So I think I will do that. Then I can check in here... add some thoughts, comments, concerns or rants and then anyone checking out my website can link here if they want to. That will also encourage me to be more faithful about posting information here and keeping things "fresh"! It would be cool to see comments posted or to enter into some discussion about things here - but I suppose that may come in time.

So - what's new with me? Well I'm not sure I mentioned it earlier in any of my blog entries... but I'm a man going through changes. I guess it was three years ago now that I began to discover/uncover things about my past and my childhood that my mind had chosen to keep hidden from me. I won't go into detail here in "public" but those discoveries centered around sexual abuse. It shook me up pretty hard and I ended up in therapy for about 12 months. I've been out of therapy now for about 18 months and I'm doing much better!

During therapy and the opening-up process, I also discovered that I had feelings for other men, both emotional and sexual feelings, that had not been explored. Again, this rattled me to my core. Until this whole process began, I was very anti-gay and completely homophobic. I did not make friends with many men. I didn't trust them or "bond" with them. Sure, I could drink with them, shoot the shit, play sports and such - but never get beyond a purely social encounter with them. My wife was my only "friend" and we pretty much did everything together. Looking back at my past and my childhood history - that makes much more sense to me now.

I guess where this is leading is that I have "come out" to my wife (did that about 2.5 years ago) and more recently to some friends of ours. I will also be having the "talk" with my two teenagers this weekend. So maybe next week you will see more about that.

Since November of 2004 I've been seeing a guy who I met online and chatted with for about a year. I've been very cautious in meeting new people because one of the first people I ever met in person led me to believe he wanted to be a friend and sort of mentor to me in the "coming out" process - but instead after a year of friendship - turned into a sociopathic stalker! So I have to be protective of my family, my friends and my self. But this guy I've been seeing since November is very different. He's helping me learn to love myself - all aspects of myself. And he's helping me learn to trust again - and in trusting - I'm learning to be truly and completely honest with myself and with everyone around me. That is such a freeing feeling. So! There you have it. I have a wife whom I love; kids whom I love and a man whom I love. And the best part is... they ALL love me! I'm a lucky man!!!

More to come.... (soon? time will tell!)
Woof you later!
- bbw

03/28/2005 - MONDAY MADNESS...

2005-03-28T13:22:00.000-06:00

Actually - it IS Monday - but there isn't that much madness... The morning has been very quiet at work as I prepare for meetings. Home was a different story. My daughter and wife both stayed home not feeling well. I think my daughter's Crohn's is acting up again - and my wife seems to be "down" about current job and life struggles in general. I told her I would try to get away from work early and spend some time with her before my church meeting tonight.

I went through the NYC pictures today. It is fun to revisit them and remember what was going on at the time. Remembering the temperatures, feelings, smells etc. I definitely want to go back to Manhattan again.

Another earthquake reported off the Sumatran coast today - there are many who are fearing a repeat of the December 2005 tsunami. I pray their fears are unfounded. It may take hours before we know.

Pray for them... pray for us... pray for the world! Lord knows we need it!

Woof you later!
- bbw

03/22/2005 - HOPPING INTO SPRING...

2005-03-22T10:40:00.000-06:00

Yes - Easter is just around the corner! Woo Hoo! I really don't have any plans yet but I'm sure I will have to come up with something. The weather here in the Dallas area is getting really really sweet! This is my second day in short-sleeves and I'm loving it. Soon things will get HOT and we will have that to complain about!

I just spent 5 days in NYC with my daughter and her choir as I chaperoned these high school kids on the trip of a lifetime! It was COLD there but we really had wonderful weather. We had snow one night that made everything in Central Park white and sparkly. I got some great pictures. We also spent plenty of time in Times Square and even took an impromptu limo ride around downtown Manhattan. That was a real fun ride especially for the kids who had never been inside a limo.

Getting back home and trying to get back into the work grind has been a bit difficult. Also, my personal life has been hectic as usual with me trying to do so much and stay involved in everything! But hey - I'm not stressed.... nooooooooooooooo! :D

Well, as I realized that this will be a short week at work - since Good Friday is a company holiday - my mood just got ratcheted up from "really good" to "whoopie"!!!

Signing off now... Woof you later!
- bbw

03/01/2005 - RETURN FROM THE VOID...

2005-03-01T14:01:00.000-06:00

Well I'm back... from where you ask? (or perhaps you really don't care - and who could blame you!?) I'm back from a busy busy life that has had little time for blogging...

Actually, I still have little time - but decided to put that little time into a few lines. This is as much for me as for anyone who might come across these paragraphs in cyberworld.

My personal life has been quite hectic, in both good and bad ways since my last post in July. Since then I have had my truck broken into twice, I have met a new friend who impacts every aspect of my life, and makes my life richer. I have traveled to Los Angeles and am planning another trip to NYC next week.

I've seen my kids getting older, more mature. My 15 year old son turns 16 in a few days and will soon be learning to drive. My 17 year old daughter is driving on her own now, and dating seriously for the first time in her life. Her boyfriend seems to be the kind of guy I would have picked for her - although I don't dare tell her that (she might dump him!)

My wife and I went through some times of "distance" but are closer than ever before right now. She has even embraced my new friend and the two of them have also begun to form their own friendship.

Life is a funny, scary, wonderful journey. At this point in time it is leaning more toward wonderful, but there are always troubles on the horizon - I just feel stronger now and better able to face those challenges as they come into view and into reality.

The one area where satisfaction cannot be found right now is in my job. I've updated my resume' and begun posting it on the net. So far the only "bites" are from insurance companies looking to beef up their sales staff - NOT INTERESTED! :) Things at the office are shaking up again and it could be that once the dust settles I'll find myself doing something I enjoy... for now I keep my eyes and ears open and bide my time.

Thought for today:
Find that "piece", that "image" of God, in each person - and in some special way, bless that person - the blessings will certainly be returned many times over...

07/06/2004 - BACK TO IT...

2004-07-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

praise God that marine Cpl. Wassef Ali Hassoun has been freed. i had expected all weekend long to hear that he had been beheaded. i'm not sure why he was spared but am very relieved that he was released!

this 4th of july weekend was a good one. i worked from home on friday which kind of gave me a head start into the weekend - and was able to spend lots of time with my family. my wife and i took the kids all over and just really had some good time with them. we visited a new health club and decided to join and they are all excited about that. we also went to the coffee shop in murphy where we will be singing twice this month and worked up a schedule for those two shows. the folks that work there are very excited - and also relieved that we will be bringing our own sound system since what they have is not adequate.

i have some work to catch up after being out for three days but the day should be fairly easy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

06/30/2004 - WORKING MY WAY BACK...

2004-06-30T16:36:00.000-05:00

what a day yesterday was! it seemed that everything was working against me... i got to work and my pc was fried - it would not boot up for anything! i took it to the tech department personally and they agreed to squeeze me in and take a look at it but they felt i needed a new hard drive. turns out i only needed a re-image but i was not able to save my settings or my download files so i have to reconfigure and reload software and that could take upwards of two weeks just to get it back to semi-normalcy. then, when i left the office early because my all-day meeting ended at 3pm - i got to my truck and it would not start! i called a friend for a jump and that got me going. i went straight to walmart because my batter is about 18 months old but has a three year warranty. i parked the truck near the auto department and turned it off. i cranked it again to see if it would start - nothing! the battery was dead! after dealing with some knucklehead who told me i couldn't park where i was (i explained that i had a dead battery - he didn't seem to understand that a battery was required to start and move my truck!) i went inside walmart and got a new battery. i reconnected and was on my way. today i'm starting the reconfigure and load of my pc... in the meantime i'm taking a break to post this.

in my immediate world - we are having a whole lot of rain! we are one inch short of breaking a 1929 record i heard someone say. all i know is that it is muggy and wet outside. not what i expect in june in texas!

well - back to reconfiguring... take good care of your friends, family, loved ones and your neighbors....

06/28/2004 - OFF TO A GOOD START!

2004-06-28T12:39:00.000-05:00

it's monday, and rainy (stormy actually!) but a good day so far. uncovered a few financial discrepancies but got most of those handled already...

the weekend was good. mm's play was a huge success and she really nailed her songs sunday afternoon! everyone in the audience just went wild. now that the production is over it's time for her to find a job!

it is a sad thing that as we (our nation) ponders the meaning of freedom, leading up to july 4, that we find another of our armed forces personnel, Marine Corporal Wassef Ali Hassoun, captive in the hands of terrorist muslim murderers. also, a Pakistani driver identified only as Amjad is also being held captive. chances are they will both be viciously beheaded before we even light our first firecracker. i pray for them, their families and friends and for our countries. we are all hurting... please pray for and care for each other a little more each day.

06/25/2004 - FRIDAY FINALLY!

2004-06-25T13:36:00.000-05:00

friday is good! although it just started raining. spent a few hours in a user group meeting this morning BORING!

opening night for mm's play this morning was great. great show! great fun!

as for michael moore and the movie "fahrenheit 9/11" which opens today. everyone it seems, is either overwhelmingly supportive or vehemently against this man and this movie. i read a quote in an interview saying that what michael shows us in this, and in his other books and movies, is technically factual, but presented in a way that is intentionally and wildly misleading. so basically, he lies by taking the truth out of context... way out of context in my opinion! but why keep attacking this man and this movie in the media? what does that serve except to generate the type of free publicity that michael is no-doubt after in the first place. you cannot expect that someone so controversial would for one second try to avoid controversy. those who disagree with him should not continue to feed him. my advice - if you don't want him to be successful with his "mis-truths" say your piece in a kind and loving manner, then go home, read a different book. go to a different movie. don't lend significance where it is not warranted.

this was sent to me by my dad - i like it enough to share it...

I sat in a movie theater watching "Schindler's List," asking myself, "Why didn't the Jews fight back?"

Now I know why.

I sat in a movie theater, watching "Pearl Harbor" and asked myself, "Why weren't we prepared?"

Now I know why.

Civilized people cannot fathom, much less predict, the actions of evil people.

On September 11, dozens of capable airplane passengers allowed themselves to be overpowered by a handful of poorly armed terrorists because they did not comprehend the depth of hatred that motivated their captors.

On September 11, thousands of innocent people were murdered because too many Americans naively reject the reality that some nations are dedicated to the dominance of others. Many political pundits, pacifists and media personnel want us to forget the carnage. They say we must focus on the bravery of the rescuers and ignore the cowardice of the killers. They implore us to understand the motivation of the perpetrators. Major television stations have announced they will assist the healing process by not replaying devastating footage of the planes crashing into the TwinTowers.

I will not be manipulated.

I will not pretend to understand.

I will not forget.

I will not forget the liberal media who abused freedom of the press to kick our country when it was vulnerable and hurting.

I will not forget that CBS anchor Dan Rather preceded President Bush's address to the nation with the snide remark, "No matter how you feel about him, he is still our president."

I will not forget that ABC TV anchor Peter Jennings questioned President Bush's motives for not returning immediately to Washington, DC and commented, "We're all pretty skeptical and cynical about Washington."

And I will not forget that ABC's Mark Halperin warned if reporters weren't informed of every little detail of this war, they aren't "likely -- nor should they be expected -- to show deference."

I will not isolate myself from my fellow Americans by pretending an attack on the USS Cole in Yemen was not an attack on the United States of America.

I will not forget the Clinton administration equipped Islamic terrorists and their supporters with the world's most sophisticated telecommunications equipment and encryption technology, thereby compromising America's ability to trace terrorist radio, cell phone, land lines, faxes and modem communications.

I will not be appeased with pointless, quick retaliatory strikes like those perfected by the previous administration.

I will not be comforted by "feel-good, do nothing" regulations like the silly, "Have your bags been under your control?" question at the airport.

I will not be influenced by so called,"antiwar demonstrators" who exploit the right of __expression to chant anti-American obscenities.

I will not forget the moral victory handed the North Vietnamese by American war protesters who reviled and spat upon the returning soldiers, airmen, sailors and marines.

I will not be softened by the wishful thinking of pacifists who chose reassurance over reality.

I will embrace the wise words of Prime Minister Tony Blair who told the Labor Party conference, "They have no moral inhibition on the slaughter of the innocent. If they could have murdered not 7,000 but 70,000, does anyone doubt they would have done so and rejoiced in it?

There is no compromise possible with such people, no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such terror. Just a choice: defeat it or be defeated by it. And defeat it we must!"

I will force myself to:

-hear the weeping
-feel the helplessness
-imagine the terror
-sense the panic
-smell the burning flesh
- experience the loss
- remember the hatred.

I sat in a movie theater, watching "Private Ryan" and asked myself, "Where did they find the courage?"

Now I know.

We have no choice. Living without liberty is not living.

-- Ed Evans, MGySgt., USMC (Ret.)
Not as lean, Not as mean, But still a Marine.

not much else to say because it is now 2pm on a friday and i need to get outta here.

please continue to love and to pray for each other. have a great weekend!